HOME | DD
omnipotent-lion — 2. Love
Published: 2008-01-17 03:51:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 156; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
Redirect to original
Description
Theme 2. LoveThere were many things Cetus loved. He loved long walks in the park. He loved watching the sun set. He loved the feel of a snake's scales as it slithered up his arm. He loved the night. He loved the smell of powedered dragon's blood mixed with thyme. He loved power and respect and prestige.
Of course, he also loved Jalen Cyrus, and this rather complicated things.
Because if there was one thing that drove Cetus mad, it was loosing. And Jalen was, everyone knew, fighting for the loosing team. She knew it as well as he did, and for a time, he had admired her for that. For a time, he had been on her side, fought the Tyrant alongside Mortis and Posiedon and the Masters.
But he could no longer fight the Tyrant. He was winning, and they all knew it. Mortis and Posideon had Arch-Mage Vulcan and all the Masters at Firewick Academy on their side, and still, they were loosing. And Jalen didn't care. She didn't care that she had lost so much fighting a battle that was sure to end with her death. She didn't care that every day she challanged the Tyrant, she was putting her life on the line, pushing the limit, testing the gods.
She didn't care that her refusal to even consider his point of view was tearing them apart. Was tearing him apart.
He loved Jalen, but Jalen loved danger. She loved the thrill, the adrenaline. And she worshiped Mortis and Posideon, although she would never admit it. She even, he suspected, worshiped Arch-Mage Vulcan, despite the history of bitter rivalry and animosity between the two. More importantly, she hated the Tyrant, abhored him with such a passion that her voice, when she spoke of him, struck fear in Cetus' heart. He had taken so much from Jalen, and her hatred was, perhaps, well-founded. But Cetus knew that if she were willing to give quarter, willing to listen to him, just for once, she could be safe. That was not what she wanted.
Cetus had thought that he was more important to her than revenge. He had thought that Jalen loved him more than the idea of being a hero. But he had been wrong.
If he was going to do this, he was going to have to do it without her. She had forsaken him, not he her. He could only protect her to a degree. The rest was up to her.
Related content
Comments: 10
Once again, it was a pleasure to read, and I hope more are coming! You are a great writer, you make it so easy to fall into one of your stories.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
D'aw, thanks! Very glad to hear it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're Welcome, You're Welcome, You're welcome
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
hmmm interesting indeed! I just noticed a few things while reading this. You use the past perfect tense a lot, aka the word "had." This makes your whole story seem distant. I think you could make it feel more alive and gripping if you brought it more into just the standard past tense. Also, you begin a lot of sentences with the words "and" or "but." I used to have this problem big time, so I know how hard it is not to that! 
One other thing. Injections of phrases such as "of course," and "they all know it" again makes the story seem a little distant as if the story teller knows everything and isn't really actively engaging the reader.
Hope that's not to confusing and at least a little helpful. 
*WordCount has great articles.
*ProsePlease also has great articles.
[link] is a journal listing articles from all over.
[link] is a news article with a list of more great articles.
It's a good story so far! Keep it up!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, I used the past perfect on purpose, actually, and I wrote it so that it would sound distant to the reader. That was the effect I was going for...it's supposed to give the feeling of a outsider (the reader) looking into someone else's thoughts.
I use non-standard English all the time in writing----it helps a lot with voice. In something like this, the rules of English don't really apply. It's a person's thoughts, and most people don't tend to think in a grammatically correct sense. But I understand the problem---when people do it in formal writing, it drives me crazy!
Thanks for the insight---it's so nice to get actual critique! I'll check out those links ^_^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Those links were really helpful for me, though I haven't read nearly all of them yet.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah---though it all depends on the type of narration. Mark Twain, for instance, wrote all of Huck Finn in dialect, narration and all, which I thought was very powerful. However, unless I'm writing the narration from first person, which I do do quite a bit, I usually do use proper grammar, unless doing other wise adds something. I'm pretty experimental with my work, so I don't really confine myself to the traditional. Some people are like that, others, not so much. I figure there will always be readers who want a more traditional, proper way of writing, and my mentality is they can go read someone else. I'm pretty open about what I read, so I tend to take techniques I've seen other authors use, and the styles I've liked most have been much less traditional.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, to me it's not about what's traditional or not. However, I'm writing toward the goal of publication someday, so I try my hardest to write professionally.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, I'm doing the same---but writing professionally doesn't always mean writing "properly". I attended a writing workshop at the University of Iowa, which was an awesome experience, and we were really encouraged just to go with whatever we thought worked, even if it meant breaking some rules. They said something like, writing for publication is great, but you shouldn't write for the public. You should write for yourself and hope other people like it. It's interesting, because in my own writing, I can really tell who influenced me to do certain things, and if I'm reading a book I like and writing at the same time (not literally the same time, but you get it) the style of the author tends to rub off on what I'm doing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yep, that's very true. First drafts are for whatever works, and rewriting is for making this correct and proper, at least for me.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0