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omnipotent-lion — Go in Harmony
Published: 2007-08-31 01:54:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 150; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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Description
Can you hear the wind-song, friend?Do you understand it's words?
Can you feel the harbinger breeze on your face, in your hair,
can you hear the wind-song, friend?
Can you smell the cherry blossoms, love?
Does the scent penetrate your soul?
Will you let them take you away, to my kingdom here?
Can you smell the cherry blossoms, love?
Can you see the white-caps, child?
As they crash and shater against the bleach-white shore?
Do you feel their strength in your veins?
Do you see the white-caps, child?
Can you taste the mountain air, father?
Does it bring you back, to spry-limbed days and youthful ways?
Do the snow-caps melt you rheart with longing flames?
Can you taste the mountain air, father?
Can you feel the downy heather, lord?
Gentle,'neath your feet, do the dew-drops cold please your senses?
Do you feel free, for once, 'moungst the rolling verdent fields?
Can you feel the downy heather, lord?
Will you make it your own,
and go in harmony with your world?
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Comments: 7
Hm. I like the different relationship-names - friend, love, etc - but I don't really understand the reason for their changing. It distracts a little from the rest of the poem - which isn't bad if it's an important part of the poem to you, but it's just unclear how essential they are.
I like the phrase "harbinger breeze." It seems to change breeze from something ordinary into something specific and special.
In general, I love your wording. It's simple, but it's crisp and artistic, full of images without being cryptic or metaphor-laden.
Using the five senses is a wonderful basis for a poem; it's not uncommon but neither is it cliche. It adds depth to a poem, especially since it can be done many ways. And you used the five-sense theme subtly enough that I had to glance back to see if that was indeed what you'd done. Which was very good.
Couple typos you might want to fix: Line 2: "it's" should be "its"; Line 10: "shater" should be "shatter"; Line 15: "rheart" - "heart"
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Wow...dunno why that posted already...didn't mean for that to happen.
The five senses idea came from an assignment I was given at a writing program I attented at University of Iowa---we had to write a love poem to an inanimate object using all five senses, eight metaphors, no form of the verb "to be" and no use of the word "the". It was...difficult. The poems somewhere in my scraps, but the whole idea kind of stemmed from the five senses theme. I had a lot of fun with it last time, and the same was true here.
As for the typos...I have a bad habit of never looking anything over after I've written it...and I didn't use spellcheck...bad idea...so, thanks! I'll just go sally off to fix those *sheepish grin*
Thanks for your comments! It's hard to get real constructive critisism sometimes, so I'm grateful for what I can get ^^
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That sounds like an interesting - and, yes, difficult - poetry assignment. *scribbles on notecard immediately*
I know what you mean about getting constructive criticism. Sometimes it seems that all the comments I get are 3 words long. Which is why I avoid commenting unless I have a lot to say.
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Thanks for the critique!
I tried to set up the changing names to show that the theme encompasses everyone...the natural aspects acting as sort of a link between the friend, lover, child, father, and lord, presumably unrelated entities. I guess I wasn't clear enough on that----that's what I get for writing stuff in AP US History and then not going back over them before posting
Harbinger was a vocab word last year and I sort of became infatuated with it ^^ I seized the chance to use it hear. Glad you liked it!
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Hm. Yeah. I did get a feel for that, but the variety may have distracted from that idea. But I can't think of any better way to handle that, and probably most people wouldn't find them distracting.
Heehee, classtime writing! I do some of that myself.
And I guess harbinger is a good word to get infatuated with. And I like the idea of being infatuated with a word.
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Haha...infatuation with words happens all the time for me....as a writer, I tend to get infatuated with odd things...including, of course, my own fictional characters. Not fun T_T
Classtime writing is the best kind ^^
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Oh dear. I cannot say that I have ever become infatuated with my own characters. That would be a little scary.
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