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paintausea — Kill Me
#inconsolable #me #anger #anxietyattack #depression #despair #hate #hopeless #paintausea
Published: 2015-09-22 20:40:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 11371; Favourites: 189; Downloads: 28
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Yes. The peacefullest way possible dear.
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I know that people can't stop being like: No don't kill yourself !
Yet, they wouldn't be there to stop the blade from cutting the veins, they wouldn't be there to cry at your funerals if you'd have those. I know that one thing that your life is valuable at the eyes of the outisde world is your art and how much people can relate to you, but I know that life "needs" to be fullfilled but what if we don't want to know what will happen, what if we don't care about what we will miss from this world when we're dead...? Everything depends on what the person has lived and is feeling. If you know that later nothing is truly waiting for you or whatever, well....
Still though, if people just lock you up in psychiatric asylum or whatever, it's like keeping you in the hell that you're living, surrounded by flames that others don't see. While wheb you're dead, there's many possibilities of what will happen, you won't exist anymore, your being won't feel anything anymore and then you'll be at peace from your flesh shell, or perhaps you will go to a paradise or in your own paradise where nobody can bother, nothing will be there to annoy you anymore. Sometimes I feel like personnally being in a coma would "solve my problems" if I'd stay like that for the rest of my life, or if I'd just be dead and erased from everyone's memory, so no one would have to be sad, I'd be happy in peace and they'd be happy without me anyway.
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I relate to these thoughts well..
There are times when I had thought that a comatosed state would be like a peaceful and restful state..
Until I was in one.
I had dreamed of hell and much more...
The demons will never sway away to follow you elsewhere from this world...
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Oh god...Sometimes I wish I could be beside people like you and me and just free them of their demons in their sleep, let them dream of a peaceful dream.
Demons are monsters, monsters can be hidden in human bodies, but they can also be hidden inside of us...When it's inside, it's the worst, because you can't open up your whole being to let them go away.
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It iiiissss... all i can do for now....... i ammmm.. such a disgraceeeee...
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you are not a disgrace, my dear. you are so much more than you see.
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Hi there.....uhhh is this thing on?
I've just been looking at your gallery today and saw this.
I'd looked at your gallery before, and I also remember seeing this: paintausea.deviantart.com/art/…
Maybe it might help a little bit...? I hope I haven't offended you or made you feel worse or something.........uhhhhhhhhh ok bye! *flies off on a chocolate covered wristwatch*
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Not at all....
Thank you so much....
You're such a sweetheart...
Thank you for reminding me.... (but it is very hard at the moment...)
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It makes me feel glad I could help in some way (even if it was just a small gesture).
You know......I want to tell you a short story about something that......kind of, made me do a sort of double-take, in a way, about how I view your artwork and topics like this in general...
I'm at university right now. I'm actually amazed that I was able to get in at all considering I barely made the entry requirements for my course. I actually used to be a higher-tier student, but over the past three or so years I've been fighting an addiction to the Internet that has increasingly interfered with my life in general - my studies, my social life.....I've actually become somewhat estranged from my parents.....like, I still, we still see each other and talk to each other....back when I was living at home.......anyway I'm going off on a tangent, I need to move this story forward...
So I'm in uni and still fighting my Internet addiction. I see a specialist mentor every week (awesome guy, calls himself Mr. Wolf after that character from Pulp Fiction; he "fixes problems") and one thing we tried to help me overcome my addiction and get back to my studies was to lock my laptop away in a locker until our first assessment period's finished. However, my dad took me.....when I came back home for my birthday, Dad took me into town to get me a new smartphone....after my mentor had locked my laptop away for me, I figured out how to access the....well, I...when I went to my apps list, one of the first things I noticed was an app for Chrome.....oh dear XD.
So eventually, my mentor and I agreed to lock away my smartphone as well. I still have an older phone I can make use of, but it's on a pay-as-you-go SIM rather than the rolling contract my smartphone's on.....and this picture was one of the last things I looked at on my phone before giving it up.
And I saw the picture, which left me speechless like it did the first time I saw it.......and then I scrolled down......the first thing I saw underneath this picture, on my phone........"more from paintausea".
For some reason, something about seeing that there so abruptly after this emotional piece seemed........somewhat amiss....like, it seemed to break that mood this piece had put me in.......
And, I don't know why, but I thought....at the time....it felt to me like, "OK, you've seen this picture, and now, if we look over here...", and there was something about that sensation that felt........somewhat detached from the emotions of this piece, and the emotions I felt when looking at it........I felt like those emotions were being interrupted by something......like, I know that that's just how this site, the mobile version of this site is set up for ease of use, and I'd think that for most artists on here that use this site as a promotional tool for their art, that's a good thing in that it gets the viewer to investigate an artist's gallery further.......yet, in a context like this, in something where both an artist and their audience would emotionally invest themselves more.........it seemed, in a way......maybe I shouldn't use this word, but to me, that experience felt..........oddly clinical and cold.......
Maybe I might just be over-analyzing this whole thing, and I don't want to be putting strange words or concepts in your mind........but that's actually made me think quite a lot about.......sort of, the whole kind of relationship between an artist and their audience.........like, if some people, when they look at an artist's work, especially those that come from such a vulnerable place as this (again, those are just my words and they may be coming from a completely wrong standpoint) if those people actually care to try feeling what the artist may be going through when they made pieces like this, and in trying to reach out and help them, in some small way......whether they genuinely care about how the artist is feeling or if they themselves simply want to feed their own egos, in a way, by feeling like a better person or a person of higher moral standing for feeling like they did a good deed.....kind of like an altruism-egoism kind of setup......and the more I think about this and the art world in general......how many people, not just fans of artists, but also people who promote the works of artists, like dealers, record producers, all those kinds of people.......how many of them are actually willing to altruistically invest themselves emotionally in what an artist thinks, feels and sees the world, if that's something they want to invest themselves with or if that's something they feel they have to invest themselves with for their own personal gain at the possible expense of the artist they're investing themselves with.......like, in trying to associate themselves with a person of great talent and compassion (which is what I think you are, no matter what anyone else might say), if they'd be using that other person's presence to try one-upping themselves to make other people and things gravitate to them more, and when they feel like they have used that person enough to get everything they feel they need, then they wouldn't want that person around anymore or they'd feel that they don't need that person's company anymore, and they either try hanging on in the hope of continuing to appear morally superior, when they don't actually want to be with that person anymore and the relationship breaks down and turns toxic, or they simply feel that they can now leave that person to the sharks when they come; and either way, that artist or that person those kinds of people would associate with ends up in a worse place in their life than they were before they met their associates, who they'd learned to trust or even to love, and after all that time they end up realizing that associate simply wanted to use them for their own ends and cast them aside to die or rot away...............and they end up more emotionally, socially, physically or financially hurt than they ever had been before...............I don't know....
And, and I think that now......when I look at pieces like this and I observe how I feel and emotionally respond to those pieces.......kinda how genuine that response actually is, or if I've subconsciously conditioned myself to respond that way to sort of fabricate the idea that I can bring myself into......your shoes, as it were......in the line of thinking that I can morally elevate myself as a person, when in fact it might really just be a self-fabricated illusion.......
Like, what I mean to say, I guess, is if that symbiosis between artist and viewer, or at least between me and you (for I cannot speak for everyone), on looking at your emotionally laden works......if, when I feel those emotions, if I feel genuinely sympathetic to what you've experienced in your life, in an altruistic sense.......or if it's just something I've decided to leech off of to feel like I've gained some sort of superiority over my past self when I was much less emotionally receptive.......and if the second scenario is what I've really set up for myself when I expose myself to highly emotional content.......that actually really frightens me and when I think about who I might actually be as an interdependent person, that makes me feel afraid about any deep personal relationships I might make with other people, in the future.......when, if they are going through difficult times, how much I'd really be able to help them, and my motives for doing so.......or if I may end up trying for force help upon them without giving them room to breathe, and actually physically or psychologically damaging those people more and making things worse for them, at their own expense, to make myself feel like a morally superior person...............and because I've never had or at least been receptive of having that kind of experience before, I'm not sure how I would cope with that kind of thing happening, whether it would be me causing that kind of pain to someone else or vice versa without me or them realizing.............or even if I might be doing that to you right now, because seeing that comment I left you linking you to that earlier piece you did makes me feel like some sort of leech or narcissist and creating any false beliefs in you that people like me are really there to help you through your pains, when by contrast we may just be using your own pain to bolster our own egos in making false promises to you which some of us may never actually act upon......................that prospect really terrifies me...
I was just wondering if that, if any of that made any bit of sense, if that's something you've ever felt happen to you before or even something you feel you yourself may have been guilty of in the past or perhaps even now (and I'm definitely not trying to accuse you of anything), and if you have, on either of those two fronts, how you've been able to deal with something like that. See, by asking you that kind of question, now I feel like a leech again by trying to get something from you for my own personal gain, asking you for some sort of.........life advice, I guess.................this is a strange and frightening concept for me to think about because I'd never thought about things like this from this perspective for very long, only the past week or something, and I really don't want to feel like I or anyone else here might be setting up that kind of construct in your mind or leaving you feeling even more emotionally hurt than I'm sure you must be already (judging by your pieces and replies to people's comments) so I'm still trying to clarify things in my own head on how I feel about this and if I could use this to actually move myself forward as a more truthfully altruistic person without it feeding my ego in a way to come off as being some kind of smug know-it-all moralfag who thinks he's better than everyone else, who ends up using people, tricking both them and myself that I'm doing something good for them, to help them..........and then just leaving them off in a worse place than they were before...............
Having said all that, I do sincerely hope (I know that may be hard to believe after I just wrote all that) that you are now emotionally in a better place (whatever that may mean for you, because everyone's idea of "better" is different, and I don't believe anyone should enforce what they believe is best on you or anyone else) than you must of been when you made this piece , because this is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen on Deviantart, and it left me lost for words when I first saw it..........umm, and I deeply respect and admire you for allowing yourself to be this vulnerable on the Internet, and your friends and watchers for doing everything they can to help you find brighter days.
Actually I think your own willingness to be this emotionally open is what really allowed me to communicate these thoughts and feelings in my head, and I don't feel like I could have done that with any other person either on the Internet or even in real life (I honestly feel comfortable enough in your presence to tell you things about myself that I don't think I could even tell my parents on their deathbeds), and I'm usually never so willing to open myself up like this to anyone at all - not even the members of my autism/Asperger's support group at uni........and it really does feel like some kind of therapy for me, in getting me to come to terms with my own person, my own thoughts and ideas, and learning, or at least trying to figure out for myself how to recognize potentially harmful ways of thinking (both to myself and to other people) and thinking about how to replace those with ways of thinking that are actually mutually beneficial, for myself and the people I share my life with............so, thank you for creating that kind of environment to allow me to open myself up like this......
I'm actually writing all of this in the early hours of the morning....I spent all day asleep when I should have been going to lectures and a practical workshop (my body clock still has yet to properly reset itself after my years of being an Internet addict), and I have assignment deadlines coming up which I know I'd never be able to make now............but being able to talk to you like this.........just makes me feel like everything's going to be alright, and that somewhen in the future I'll feel completely safe, self-reliant and maybe even able to actually, really help other people, and that I won't have these problems or dark thoughts anymore or end up causing problems for other people or myself.
..............................
I humbly and gratefully thank you for your existence.
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-big big sigh-
I just finally got the chance to sit down and calmly read through what you have written.
I am emotionally stirred and my head is really jumbled in so many directions and pieces, I really have no idea where to start and what to say to you at this point...
It's remarkable how you are able to leave a comment like this out in the open for the internet to see when you have claimed they are so personal, yet I believe it is your courage that provides you a strength you have found amidst these thoughts..
I am deeply moved by your words and your different sparks of paths that lead to everywhere and land in this very soothing conclusion in the end..
I have wondered a lot this myself.
>>"I felt like those emotions were being interrupted by something......like, I know that that's just how this site, the mobile version of this site is set up for ease of use, and I'd think that for most artists on here that use this site as a promotional tool for their art, that's a good thing in that it gets the viewer to investigate an artist's gallery further.......yet, in a context like this, in something where both an artist and their audience would emotionally invest themselves more.........it seemed, in a way......maybe I shouldn't use this word, but to me, that experience felt..........oddly clinical and cold......."
I think this is why museums are so greatly appreciated for celebrated artists.
You are able to sit and stare.
And you are able to move at your own pace throughout the building.
I feel like this tradition is slowly fading amidst the technology and the media among us...
I have come to the point where I don't even appreciate my own works anymore.
Because of the numbers media likes to throw at me.
As much as I fight it, the numbers make me realize how little I see myself as.
Which is why, comments like you have made, mean so much to me.
So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for opening and for elaborating explaining all your thoughts and feelings.
Please continue to keep strong.. I am glad you are still taking small steps to getting away from your internet addiction.
Please keep at it. Balance it out. Don't hate it, but appreciate it.
You are always, _always_ welcome here to let out your thoughts and feelings.
Thank you so much...
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Oh. My. God.
I just tried re-reading that entire comment.....I couldn't even get halfway. I've never cringed so hard or felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm really sorry for that wall of text I just left here. I wanted to write a thank-you-and-keep-your-head-up kind of message but it turned more into some kind of love letter from a 40-something pedophile...
I got way too ahead of myself. I really hope I didn't just terrify you into thinking I'm some kind of Schrödinger's rapist (though I perfectly understand if that's what you think of me now).
I really am sorry. I never wanted to scare you. That was never my intention...
............
I'll be here behind my wall if you wanna say anything. Please don't feel like you have to, though....
*slides brick back into wall*
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Wow wow wow...
Your comments have so much vital energy that leave such strong explosive tastes in my mouth..
Please don't put yourself down.. I am so so so touched and honored to have someone write me such elaborate words of gratitude and love..
You care very much.. I can feel that..
I am very sorry for responding so very late.. I am still struggling with many things daily so it is hard to come to properly reply to comments. With someone who puts so much passion behind their words leaves me dwindling in this crazy spiral of anxiety because I have no idea how to respond properly back without making my dear commenter feel like I've just loosely skimmed through the message...
So I always try to take my time with replying and attempt to give an at least satisfying answer..
I have no idea what to say.. but "thank you". But I feel that is not enough...
So I would rather urge you to please keep those bricks safe and close.
Appreciate them for what they were able to give you because I know those bricks had a purpose to help you feel safe as you may have needed it during those times.
If time will come to let them go, then that is wonderful, but make sure to not forget them.. and celebrate how they may perhaps have also helped you get this far.
Am I sounding stupidly sappy? I am sorry..
If those strong feelings still reside in you, I hope they are able to give you much strength..
Aaa.. I'm stumbling over my own words..
I am but just a human.. with many faults as everything else.
But your comforting words really tell me otherwise. I almost feel like a goddess with how you described me, haha..
That was wonderful to read though.. thank you so much.. (:
Please take care yeah..? Don't feel so embarrassed about your feelings. They each have their own set of purposes!
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Ohhhhhhh boy...................I think by this point, words have become obsolete - but I too have been stalling for time to carefully think about which ones to use in which context to convey certain ideas to you...
Your reply prompted me to read through that whole comment again (I wish I knew another word to use than 'comment' without aggrandizing it too much because I don't feel like that word fits much in this reply thread), and, perceived board-up-your-windows-and-doors-Tom-and-Jerry-style creepiness aside, I've found myself doing another huge double take............not so much on the kind of message I wanted to convey (I still feel like I owe a lot of the sureness of my new goals to you), but more on the kind of words I used to put that message across. And I'm now of the opinion that loading an *insert synonym for 'comment' here* with so many superlatives can be potentially dangerous for whomever is receiving that message; for I feel now, having read back through that whole *synonym*, that such elaborate words, by conveying such gratitude and love, can have the capacity to make the receiver believe that they would have to forcibly uphold such an image in order to feel loved and appreciated by others; even if all they might want to do is scream and shout and shrink away from such people who pay them such compliments - and then, talking from an observer's point of view, I feel that might give further leverage to your inner demons to take hold of any resentful feelings you may feel for anyone (it's only natural; as you said, we're all just humans with our own faults), and feed off them and grow more and more to drag you further back down into that pit for not upholding yourself to someone's perceived image of a perfect person. I feel like I may have just implanted that in your head without realising.
You summed it up best yourself: "I almost feel like a goddess with how you described me", and whilst I'm thrilled to read how much my *synonym* comforted you and made you feel the same kind of power I feel you emanate, part of me feels anxious that I may have placed you on an impossibly high pedestal that you may feel you have to stay on in order not to disappoint anyone to the point of them turning their backs on you and walking away if you do fall off from such a great height. I actually just Googled this concept right now and found this quote that I'd like to share: Pedestal Figment . I know what it's like to receive so much praise and so many compliments and then feel as if I need to try upholding that image to please my family (it actually turned me into a compulsive liar about my Internet habits for many years), and I don't want to feel like I'm pushing that kind of pressure on another person, especially someone who I appreciate so much already (PEDESTAL DANGER!!!). Believe me, it feels so cold and lonely up there...
So I would like to let you come down from all that by saying that I don't want you to always be this incredibly sweet, kind, compassionate, strong and every-other-superlative image of how everyone perceives you to be. I do still believe you genuinely have a heart of gold - but every metal has its own natural defects. And that's perfectly OK! Nothing and nobody can ever be absolutely perfect (well, except for carbon nanotubes, maybe, but that's a whole other story! ). So I would much rather you be the real you, scars and emotional outbursts and all, and just let the chips fall where they may (as Marilyn Manson would say! 
And if anyone doesn't like that, if they decide to turn their backs and walk away from you, then they never wanted the real you in the first place; they wanted a fabrication of you that's as thin as tissue paper. Go for it, rip that tissue up! Rip up my own fabrication of you right in front of my face! DO IT! NAO!!! And if anyone complains about it and says shit like "Ohhhh I thought you were this really nice person all the time, why're you being such a bitch, now?", you refer them back to this comment and tell me, and I'll tell them exactly the same thing I'm telling you now. And remember, just like one of your friends said before, it's always good for the strong to allow themselves to crumble for a bit when things get too hectic. There's no shame in that; we all have our own breaking points. I got yo' back, Pai!
I mean, look at me. I've had this account for over a year now and done nothing with it. I was mollycoddled my whole life and barely even know how to cook for myself or wash my own clothes! All my uni assignments have fallen by the wayside, and I suspect my winter exams will, too. And you know what? I'm learning to not care about what other people think of that shit. That is my shit to deal with, not theirs. You're gonna get through this, you hear me? 'Cause you've gotten through so much already (your gallery and staying power are proof of that)! And I know, "I feel you", "I really want to help you", "You're much better than you think you are"; all these kinds of statements and advice get old real fast, but there it is, so NOG-NOG!!!
And hey, don't worry about not getting back to people so late (again, old, I know...); we all got our problems to deal with. LIFE, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT LIFE! S'all part of being human (those damn humans...)! Besides, getting any update from you no matter what it is, if it's a new deviation, reply, or even just changing that little thing under your username on your profile; any of those things mean one very important thing to me: you're still alive and still with us. And that alone is enough to brighten up our most rotten days.
GODSPEED, MAH NIGGA!
On another note, that's a very interesting way of looking at tearing down your personal walls; preserving your bricks and thanking them for protecting you from the rest of the world so you can develop. I wonder if that was ever brought up between the lines of that Pink Floyd album, somehow? Considering that The Wall has a large autobiographical aspect to its writing, maybe Roger Waters writing about each brick Pink uses to complete the Wall may have been his own way of remembering the bricks he used to build his own wall (especially since he was going through depression when he wrote that album); and by writing and singing about them, maybe that was his own way of making peace with those bricks so he could finally let them go and move ahead with his life. Or maybe, one might have to preserve the bricks and remember them in order to break the cycle of The Wall album; "Isn't this where-*end*, *start*-we came in?" Who knows? There are so many unanswered questions I still have about The Wall. What happened to Pink's wife and boyfriend, in the end? Why did they sing about Vera Lynn? Who actually is Mrs Bancroft? Did Pink Floyd weave her name or character into the story somehow? I hope this ain't all going over your head! But hey, if it is, that's just one more thing for you to explore!
"thank you so much.. (:"
Awwwwwwwwwww, Pai-chan is so cute when she smiles! *snuggle*
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Aaah.. this comment has been sitting in my inbox for such a long time and I've read it several times, but I don't know what to say anymore hahaha..
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I have acknowledged it and read it thoroughly... So thank you again ^^''
This topic has been on my mind a while now though.
While my confidence is very low, I always try to go through self-help videos when I have none to talk to-- or just feel to insecure to.
So what stuck to me most in the end was: "Be authentic!"
And I will try my best to do this..
You have already helped me to open up a bit more just through communicating with you. (:
I've always tried to keep at a safe distance between my viewers so that I would not break into outbursts..
But I think just typing down my thoughts here and there a bit more often will help this...
So thank you!
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Whoa, I forgot I even left that thing here! XD
"You have already helped me to open up a bit more just through communicating with you."
Ha... wow... yeah... ummm... ahaha... that's the first time anyone's ever said that to me... I've no idea how to respond... ummmmm... you're...welcome...?
AHAHAHAHAHA, you've done the same for me, really...
Heh, talking with you like this has actually made me forget the nature of the painting this reply thread is even under! THE POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD, BABY!!!
.............OK, I've stalled. Much love to you!
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"I don't want you to always be this incredibly sweet, kind, compassionate, strong and every-other-superlative image of how everyone perceives you to be."
Sorry, "don't want" sounds a bit forceful. I think "don't need" sounds more accepting (or whichever's the most appropriate word I should use here)!
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"I just finally got the chance to sit down and calmly read through what you have written."
Man... no sooner did I first see this in my inbox that my own life started rushing past so quickly that I never got the chance to write back to this heartfelt and hope-filled message until now. Goddammit, everything at uni happens too damn quickly... It's a pretty strange feeling for me sometimes. Do you ever get the feeling where hours feel like months and months feel like hours at the same time? I've been getting that kind of feeling over the past few weeks or so. Things have been happening so quickly and yet time still seems to crawl in the very instance of living.
"yet I believe it is your courage that provides you a strength you have found amidst these thoughts.."
I cannot be any more thankful for your kind words, but I would respectfully like to disagree.
I have never been this open about my thoughts and feelings with anyone before; indeed, this is actually the first time in years that I can remember talking to someone who I only know via the Internet, in a way that didn't end up boiling down to confrontation or ad-hominem altercation (and the last time that happened was at least two years ago). After that time I actually became really shy on the Internet.....I guess you could say I just lurked about as a non-entity, of sorts, and I really felt like I couldn't approach anyone on any social media platform, apart from some people I've known from my childhood in real life.....I actually became the very opposite of most people these days and I was actually even shyer on the Internet than I was in real life, and no matter what kind of things I looked at online (even things a lot like this, really) and wanted to communicate and learn of other people's life experiences, I could never feel like I could break through this wall I had built in front of myself and others (ever listened to Hey You by Pink Floyd? That's pretty much how I always felt on forums and social media sites). So, there I was, with a lot of things I wanted to feel like I could share in and, I don't know, just talk to people about and have them share their experiences with me..........and no way of feeling like I could break the ice with these people or even fearing (maybe irrationally) that I may be chased away like a stray dog or something..............and bizarrely, even though I surrounded myself with things that were very close to me whenever I went online, I felt completely alone, with only my favourite music to keep me company, with no people to share those things with................
I remember then, earlier this year, being on Deviantart (I've actually been lurking on and off this site for about the last seven or eight years, now...maybe even longer...) and hearing all my favourite songs in my head. Many of them actually dealt in some part with depression or depressing concepts (Pink Floyd, Marilyn Manson, etc.) and I remember being curious about how people would depict something like depression, anxiety or isolation in their artwork. So I typed it into the search bar and went to the Manga & Anime category, as I always found that art style to be the most emotive. After clicking on one of the thumbnails I just kept clicking through and reading the emotions in each piece...................and then I stumbled on one of your artworks you did quite a back....I think it was called "In The Name Of Depression" or something?.....and I just got interested and started looking through more of your gallery...some concepts and emotions were very familiar to me and some others I couldn't even begin to comprehend at the time (as I had not been through such....................experiences..................... ).............yet surprisingly enough, it was some of those ones that shocked and moved me in a way I have never known visual art or paintings to ever do in my life. But, over time, the more of your gallery I looked at, the more people I saw leaving comments of their own on your artwork....................and the more I saw you reply to them...................and the way I always saw you talk to people on here..................especially now, more than ever.....................well........it all just seemed so.....................heartfelt and genuine............and....the more I looked through your gallery, and the more I saw how you communicate with people on this site...................I had never known so much compassion and kindness (I guess those words are kind of synonymic) to emanate from one single person................I'm probably sounding like one HELL of a creeper at this point, but there I was, reading your words, that you blessed your friends and fans with.............and all the walls that I'd seen with so many other people on social media or blogs and other things like that, those kinds of walls..........just..................weren't there with you...............to be honest, I was completely confounded. I never allowed myself to believe that there were people like you out there, I thought they only existed in other people's warmest dreams..............and then, suddenly, there was one right in front of my face............a living lesson of humility..............and I was completely unprepared and I had no idea what to do with your presence in my mind. So, for a while I decided to stick to what I was best at, hanging around in the shadows watching from afar as you and your circle of friends (after all, I am the stranger here), and sometimes the odd visitor, talked to and comforted each other in ways that moved me almost as much as your artwork.............
And, little by little, your newer artworks, the connection I could feel to them, and your humility and genuine warmth of heart gradually led me to a place where I felt I could finally start tearing away some of the bricks in my own wall...........bricks that had been laying there, in some form, since my days in primary school..............for once in my life I felt I could reach out to someone I KNEW I felt connected to, in some way...........my anxiety was just holding me back right from the edge........I just needed something to force me through that wall that was so high. I was so longing to reach out, in some way, just to thank you for bringing me to this place in my life......!
When I looked at your gallery and saw this piece there, I felt truly devestated. Truth be told, I still have difficulty even looking at it now and knowing you were once (or perhaps even still.......though I REALLY hope not) begging for death to take you from that vile D-word...........the awful memories of those truly horrifying events you had to endure (Lord knows, if that was me, especially at that age, I'd probably already be dead and gone, so I'm amazed and humbled by your incredible strength to stay alive after all of that........); every time I remember those artworks I just seethe..........I mean, it's like, you just wanted to say "You really want to know the anguish I go through every day of my life. Here it is, feel it." And to feel-....I mean, to, to know that-, to feel that for one moment and know how long you've had to live like this-........*breaks down and curls into a ball* I just....
Oh my I, wow, I'd never have thought that I'd have this much to say to you, and I just feel like all I'm really doing is just causing more pain to you by writing this...........and then when you left that comment putting yourself down as a "disgrace"..............well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, really. I just couldn't live in the shadows anymore. I had to break out and say something.......oh God, now I just feel like I'm doing exactly what I feared and aggrandizing myself at your expense. Here I am calling you a living lesson of humility, and I've learnt absolutely NOTHING!
Honestly, though, as soon as I left that comment I thought to myself "Oh God, what have I done?" I had conditioned myself so much into thinking that anything I did to interact with anyone would only set things off and make things worse for everyone...........so when I saw your reply to my comment, I felt so unworthy of your compassion and grace (aaaargh I'm running out of words).........and yet, that was the trigger I'd been waiting for so many years to finally feel free enough to open up as much as I did in that last reply............and then to read what I'm replying to now! Wow, what a way to break through some mad bugger's wall and pierce his heart, what a way to envelop someone with such a profound, soft, warm and gentle fuzzy glow of love.......................LOVE!!! THAT'S THE BUZZWORD I WAS LOOKING FOR!! THAT is really who you are behind all that pain and heartbreak..........you are just PURE LOVE, and you have reduced me to tears of gratitude I thought I'd never cry for anyone as long as I am alive. In fact, after all the wars, lies, bloodshed, victimisation, political scandels, sexual scandles (ugh, Jimmy Saville.....) and all the things that I've seen other people destroy themselves over in the society we have today; all the peer pressure, all the hate, all the frat boys, college girls and old crones always trying to one-up themselves and shove everyone else's faces in the dirt......I was so ready to give up on humanity as a whole and hide behind my misanthropic wall forever, I didn't want to be a part of or fund this hateful, despicable world we live in where fortune favours the asshole.....................but you.........................you could have decided to completely ignore that first comment I'd ever left anyone of Deviantart (or even this one), you could have decided "Urgh, who is this random internet weirdo directing me to one of my old paintings thinking that will cheer me up?", you could have thought I was some kind of faceless creeper on here (let's be honest, on Devart, they're not exactly hard to miss.....)..................but you didn't.......................you decided to respond to that stupid little hurr-durr-imma-make-you-feel-good-derp-derp comment with all that gentle, genial kindness I'd come to know you for..................and in doing so, and doing it again, you have saved me from becoming a complete, misanthropic, reclusive f**k-humanity hermit. Thanks to you, I've now reached a threshold in my life where I want to start bringing this horrible wall down. Thanks to you, I now want to endure everything the world throws at me just to climb that impossible mountain, stand high on its peak and scream at the rest of the world, "YOU'LL NEVER KILL ME, MOTHERF**KER!"............just like you've done after all these years. And then I want to keep going, keep finding new things to add to my life, join as many of my uni's clubs and societies as I can cram into my free time, READ as much about the world in this extensive library of ours as possible, and rekindle my own artistic spirit and learn all I can about art and music and all these other things, so that maybe, just maybe, I too can contribute to this incredible circle of music makers and dreamers of dreams.......I already have a million ideas in my head already after viewing your gallery; now I just need to relearn all those skills and put them into practice. One day......it will happen........you sowed the seed in me..........now I just need to nurture it, and THAT I can guarantee. Perhaps.............it would be a 1-in-7 billion chance of it happening..............if I really did end up meeting you face-to-face............just to hug you and thank you just for being alive and being the incredible person you are...........that would be perhaps the most incredible day of my life...........
Man, this whole thing must seem so pathetic, right now.....having more trust in someone you've never met before than your own family members, pouring out your heart to someone on the Internet who you only know for her art and her comments, who I'll probably never even see face-to-face in my life..........but then this level of trust in anyone to confess my deepest thoughts and darkest fears is still so alien to me and I'm still trying to adjust to it. I guess this is something I'll have to keep building on throughout the rest of my life.......I wouldn't be surprised if I look back at this within a couple of years and either laugh or cringe that I was so spineless and grovelling back then...............but every time I come back to this gallery........every time I catch a glimpse of this diamond in the rough, every time I see a new work of ART, a new comment, a new journal entry or a new ANYTHING; and knowing that somewhere, far out beyond where I can see, lives a REAL PERSON behind this whole thing, a person with a heart of solid gold (no matter how big that black cloud that hangs over it is), who I am ultimately sharing this planet with..................I'm home. That makes me feel both valued and undeserving, and you alone have made my life - no matter how much $#!t it throws at me - really worth living for. You have not only restored my faith in humanity - you have positively cemented it.............and even restored faith in myself.
"I have come to the point where I don't even appreciate my own works anymore."
ARE YOU F**KING CRAZY?!?! That "Learn to Forgive Yourself" work alone belongs in the f**king Louvre next to the Mona Lisa! There are so many people who have been inspired by that one piece. There are so many things that so many people from around the world could learn from it. It deserves to be preserved in a proper gallery for "celebrated artists". I mean, before I came across you, I'd never seen visual art that had affected me this much. It has affected me even more than my favourite music. That has never happened to me before. I didn't even think it would even be possible for any visual artist to make me feel one tenth as atrongly as when I listen to music. And no one visual artist has ever given me so much inspiration not just to become an artist myself, but to live life as fully as I can. Viewing your gallery and following you has truly liberated me. The path ahead will be treacherous and fraught with danger...............but at least there's no wall blocking me from walking along it, now. Oh, and if you ever write off any of your artwork as just "vent art" or some stupid demeaning term as that; as if it doesn't deserve to be acknowledged as a true work of art; just remember, before your kind of art style was called vent art, it was called Expressionism! Thank you, and other artists like you, so much for keeping that movement alive and at the front of the visual art world. In fact.......I'm gonna brorrow a quote from Pink Floyd manager Peter Jenner on Floyd founder Syd Barrett's last songs with the Floyd, which I think sums up your artwork to a T: "I thought they were good songs and great pieces of art. They're disturbing, and not a lot of fun, but they're some of Syd's finest work – though God knows, I wouldn't wish anyone to go through what he's gone through to get to those songs. They're like Van Gogh."
I do hear you about the numbers, though. Actually, I think the music industry has been killed off thanks to big record labels letting big numbers fill their eyes so much (*cha-ching*) and effectively killing off the singer-songwriter and having the same songwriters writing the same kind of songs with the same kind of lyrics and the same kind of backing music. Did you know that Max Martin has been writing and producing songs for more pop stars now than any record producer I have heard of? Don't recognise his name? Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Kelly Clarkson, The Veronicas, P!nk, Avril Lavigne, Jessie J, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Christina Aguilera, and a $~!TLOAD of other "pop stars"! How in the hell is one man allowed to churn out "smash hit" after "smash hit" for so many so-called artists? All because that gives the labels greater control over what ideas their artists promote to their audiences and the producers get their green Ms. I mean, even Justin Bieber is quoted in saying about his music "It makes it real, rather than ‘Let’s call up Max Martin to write you a hit song.’" Justin Bieber said that. Let that sink in for a moment.......
Ugh, and the media.......one word: war. 'Nuff said.....
"So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for opening and for elaborating explaining all your thoughts and feelings."
NOOOOPE, NOPE, NOPE, no, no, NO.......I am the one who should be thanking YOU, Pai........After years of living behind my wall, you (and ONLY you), through your Louvre-worthy artwork, your warm words of gratitude and wisdom (big ups to keeping the balance! ) and your INCREDIBLE heart and saintly patience, have persuaded me, for one of the first times in my life, to start tearing down the wall, brick by brick, layer by layer, hopefully for will be a new life of plenty for BOTH OF US (because I really want to share it with you any way I know how). I very rarely keep promises, but this one has been written in my heart forevermore, and I will NEVER, EVER forget you. You're just way too precious.....
"You are always, _always_ welcome here to let out your thoughts and feelings."
............................GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH F**K IT, WHERE CAN I GET DEM FEELS TRAIN TICKETS?!
Thank you ever so much for being an integral part - the START - of my new life. Please, please, PLEASE, take good care of yourself, my friend.............because you are not worth it; it is worth YOU!
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Oh. My. God.
I just tried re-reading that entire comment.....I couldn't even get halfway. I've never cringed so hard or felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm really sorry for that wall of text I just left here. I wanted to write a thank-you-and-keep-your-head-up kind of message but it turned more into some kind of love letter from a 40-something pedophile...
I got way too ahead of myself. I really hope I didn't just terrify you into thinking I'm some kind of Schrödinger's rapist (though I perfectly understand if that's what you think of me now).
I really am sorry. I never wanted to scare you. That was never my intention...
............
I'll be here behind my wall if you wanna say anything. Please don't feel like you have to, though....
*slides brick back into wall*
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Ah, sorry if that was not the case. I wish you the best anyway.
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What keeps me going is thinking that there's probably something really cool going to happen after I die and I'll miss it.
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Lots of really "cool things" happening while you're alive.
Whats the difference then?
What makes this "cool" while being alive, less "cooler" after being dead?
Are our feelings so relentlessly invaluable compared to being dead?
Why not just go now then?
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where do i find this strength...
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...i wish i knew...
i guess
its different for everyone
for some it comes from family
but for others family is the reason for their pain in the first place
for some it comes from friends, form pets, from their hobbies and passions
and for some...they don't know
and I think
those are the strongest kind of people.
Because they...we, we have made it this far, despite being so close to giving up so many times.
We always stood up and fought another day.
I don't know where you will find strength....but I wish you the best luck in your fight...
Some days I'm lost myself, on others i think its just, alone the little tiniest spark of hope that it COULD get better one day.
And that it would be sad to miss that chance.
And sometimes its the ability to show other people they aren't alone...
Like I felt , like I still sometimes feel.
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the will to not let anyone else feel like I do.
Its hard...its shit to be honest and often I think just giving up would be so much easier.
But I made it this far.
We did both.
I guess...just one day longer...its not impossible...
Just one day, day for day.
And maybe...maybe one day we can look back at this point of our lives.
At our entire past.
And we can say we made it.
I hope to someday reach that moment.
I think maybe that somehow gives me strength...
*hugs*
I hope you will feel a bit better soon...
I believe in your strength, because you certainly possess some, for making it this far.
I love you my friend.
<3
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Oh god.. I'm sorry.. I haven't known how to respond properly to this... I'm sorry...
Thank you so much, my friend, for the support and honest words.... thank you...
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It's okay friend.
I don't think there is a away to properly answer thing.
So I'm just hopeful it helped you in one way or another.
<3
Im always here for you friend.
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Thank you so much for understanding...
-huggles-
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Only if I can choose the method.. can I kill you with silly hugs?
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This made me smile... thank you so much...
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"Stop trying to cheer me up! You don't know what this feels like!"
Please don't give up hope dear...
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...what if there was no hope to give up on..?
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If there was no hope, then keep your head up?
If you can't keep your head up, stay on path?
If you lose your way, follow your heart?
If it doesn't know where to go, just stay calm?
If calm isn't an option, we'll be here for you.
No matter what happens, we'll support you Kapani. We're all hoping for you, so I think that means there is hope. And we won't give up on you.
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My head is already lost.
There is no path I walk on.
My heart is too decayed.
Calm is not-- it is dissociating.
If you are here, where am I?
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I know the feeling.. But for me, its counteracted by my unlimited ability to be stubborn.
Don't you quit on me, Im just barely getting the chance to know you.
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..stubborness does have its positivite sides..
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Yes, when it doesnt backfire (^ ^);;
How are things going?
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Its a carousel that makes me want to endlessly puke in people's faces that dare tell me to ignore my pain and keep living.
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