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pentogram — By Religion
Published: 2006-03-21 15:53:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 142; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
A salty tear rolls down her cheek,For the boy of 18 they killed last week.
He lost his life because of her,
But different religions were all they were.
Conscripted four months ago, to an infantry group,
Training together to make a strong-abled troop.
He wasn't proud of his rank, for him it was low
On the foodchain and he silently promised to never to to go.
He said they'd leave and start a new life,
In the Republic as man and his Protestant wife.
But halfway through their dreams and plans,
They became but a widow and a dead Catholic man.
So she said her goodbyes and the final 'I love you',
They said it was an accident, but she knew what was true.
It was planned and if they'd left just one day earlier,
She would have avoided the bullet through the heart of her soldier.
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Comments: 12
Aww...I'm so sorry! It was a wonderful poem though!
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It is a powerful piece, but I think you can adjust it some more to give it more of a strength. The description is nice, but some of the lines are awkward.
"For the boy of 18 they killed last week." - This line is strange to me, and this is where I feel like the rhyme was forced and the line was set this way in order to get the rhyme to work. It irks me a little, think about changing it. Maybe, "Her lover was killed last week", or something like that. It doesn't have to be based on an age - her companion, soulmate. Something. Just an idea you can play around with.
"Conscripted four months ago, to an infantry group,
Training together to make a strong-abled troop" - Here the rhythm gets thrown off. I don't think you need "abled" in there. Abled actually throws the rhythm off balance.
"He wasn't proud of his rank, for him it was low
On the foodchain and he silently promised to never to to go." - Again the rhythm is thrown off here, the way the line cuts off.
Just a few things to point out. The story is great, it is strong and emotional and can really pack a punch if you fix a few things up. Otherwise you're on your way to having a really nice piece.
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Thank you so much for the help. ^^ I will try out the alterations you suggested.
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Thats a powerful message you sent out, an important topic to talk about. nice job
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This is pretty good but something about it isn't quite right. I actually think the rhymes are pretty good, they're simple words but it gives more rhythm. The meter is definitely off, try reading the poem out loud to yourself and you'll see where changes are needed.
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rhymes are a little forced... but if you overlook to surface structure into the actual content it is a brilliant peice. the story is very well told andclearly constructed. the progression though the peice is very smooth and the content well expressed. so other than a few structural faults (which will disapear with practice) a fantastic write
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It's a very sad story. But as far as the writing itself goes, you could use a little more improvement. If you want a poem to rhyme try not to force the rhyming and watch your syllables, it adds rhythm. Keep writing though, it takes practice to become truly good and your on your way.
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Thank you, ♥ it's my first attempt at something like this and I am definitely going to practice, I've become more interested it in lately.
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That's good. Keep going.
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..."insert something i just dont know how to say here"... wow
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Seriously? I have no experience in something like this, it's truly experimental for me.
Thank you.
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