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peterdawes — Death and Coffee
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Published: 2010-01-09 18:11:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 662; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 7
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Description
counting down the final hoursto my story's epilogue,
with a cigarette and coffee
providing damning dialogue.
once a clever man, now jaded;
once a voice, now silently
i waste footprints in the present
with the dance of memory.
youth has passed me by so fast
and left me fishing in a cup
for twisted, torrid words describing
the proper time for giving up.
will the fingers of my will
continue holding to the ledge?
will violence, sadistic splendor,
push me further from the edge?
will humble voices, speaking soft
bring sweet redemption in their wake?
do i dare fall toward the hands
of an oft caprious, solemn fate?
whatever lies deep in the chasm
it swirls within the confines of
the depleted contents of a morning
the dark embrace which lies to come.
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Comments: 11
I think this poem suffers from an abundance of generality and abstraction, without strong concrete nouns/verbs to give the reader something to envision while reading.
I also found the rhyme scheme distracting and am not sure it does anything for the poem, other than force unnatural language like "oft" and "which lies to come."
I did like the other sonic devices, though, especially the scattered and unusual alliteration of hard consonants that made reading the poem aloud quite enjoyable, evoking for me the whirring and mysterious clunking of a giant copier.
Thanks for the read.
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some more and death & coffee for you: [link]
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*laughs* i love it. i had not ever listened to them before. might have to investigate more of their work now.
thank you very kindly, shane.
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Your "wasted footprints" left their own indelible imprint on my heart and soul. Excellent again, dear Peter.
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Nice poem, I was a bit tongue tied at the last stanza though maybe that's just me
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You might just want to watch out for stuff like capital letters
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This speaks to me on many levels... and I love the verse:
“ once a clever man, now jaded;
once a voice, now silently
i waste footprints in the present
with the dance of memory.”
Masterfully done. Thank you
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Beautifully phrased. I catch myself on this train of thought every now and then... But leave it to you, Peter, to draw from this prompt so elegant a piece.
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