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peterdawes — July Haiku-a-Thon
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Published: 2009-07-01 15:23:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 1232; Favourites: 38; Downloads: 7
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Description
afternoon lullabythe steady cadence
of small drummers
***
tiny lamps
extinguish
until the last
***
not even trees
have enough shade
***
colorful cacophony
a flock of birds
take flight
***
refracted light
plays hopscotch on
a sprinkler's mist
***
window visitor
a sparrow joins me
for morning coffee
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Comments: 46
1. I love thunderstorms, and you captured their sound with brilliance.
2. I remember chasing after them to make the little lamps. Wonderful imagery.
3. Sounds like where I spent 22 years of my life. Yay Midwest
4. 
5. I love looking through the mist in waterfalls (a similar effect). The only thing the sprinkler lacks is the roar of a raging river. Wonderful
6. Hmmm...makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that your writing was featured here: [link]
Thanks for writing 
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I like some of the cryptic-ness of this so far, it doesn't follow any sort of clear pattern.
I love the first one the most, its great. Very nice imagery
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The first three are all excellent. I'm missing entries 7 and 8 though!
These remind me of these: [link]
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*chuckles* i shall have 7 and 8 up soon. am tending to some personal affairs. thank you!
(goes to read your link)
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Cool, hope you like the link "...tiny mortal drums" is one of the lines which most connected to your work for me.
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The first, third, and sixth are my favorites so far.
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These are very lovely and capture moments which are magical. I wonder how they would sound if altered just a bit?
hopscotch
on a sprinkler;
refracted light
***
morning coffee
window visitor -
a sparrow
Again, lovely moments.
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A sparrow seems like the perfect cheering but relaxing friend to share morning coffee time with!
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Peter, my friend:
You know that I am a visual type of person; having no visual art skills, I rely on my words to convey the images in my head that my hands cannot express. That part of my -- "gift," for lack of a better word -- also opens my mind's eye to the images that others portray with the 26 little soldiers we call the alphabet.
I can see this image as clearly as if it were outside my window. Exceptionally well done.
NOTE: Since I am not a subscriber, I cannot leave a critique in the formal and official sense. Consider this mine.
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#1 and #4 are both quite good. I was thinking of "cadence" while watching rain on the street the other night, and noticed someone else use it just today. I really like "colorful cacophony".
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Number three is looking much better now
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#1 Love the sound of rain drumming. Love how you evoke it in words.
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colorful cacophony
a flock of birds
take flight
This is one of my favorite images ever. I think it was Robert Bly who captured that for me the first time when he referred to fifty birds leaving a tree all at once...
It hit me in the chest like a prayer and has stayed ever since. I like the alliteration of the first line and the 'fl' in the second and third.
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Number one and two are fantastic, great work so far
I agree with Anavah - 3 needs some structural jiggery. A line containing "not even the" is a little too barren. So too, I believe, with "trees have". However, recombining these lines into a single or double form would alleviate this - particularly in the singular I would say.
Of course, you may consider rewording it in some way in order to better express it over three or two lines, but I think the wording is already good enough.
Anyway, reads very well except for the structure
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Terrific concept. I think the latest would work with two lines:
not even trees
(.....)* have enough shade
Or even one due to the knowledge or imagery painted over time of shade stretching.
not even trees have enough shade
*Since form won't hold in responses or critiques, I have the parenthetical reference to emphasis how shade stretches.
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i have truly appreciated your feedback. thank you very kindly. falling behind on replying, but i am reading them and your critiques are always spot on. thank you very, very kindly.
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You're very welcome. Good writing makes it easy to suggest or critique. I think many miss that point. I'm glad you don't.
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I think Avanah might be onto something with her critique of the second one. It is a lovely image but may need a little jigging to really bring it out.
The first I love - nice work!! I look forward to seeing the rest of your month.
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The scene this paints is lovely, like watching a town fall asleep house by house. I don't know if you need 'all' and 'one'.
tiny lamps
extinguish
until the last
I'm no expert at Haiku but it seems the image is retained without them? (I love your form but it doesn't retain in comments or critiques! I hate that!)
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You are a very gifted man. These haiku evoke vivid images with few words. I'm not qualified to critique but I think they're great.
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I like how the word small in #1 links to the word tiny in #2. Both haiku present gentle, relaxing images.
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*grins* i was wondering if anybody would notice that. thank you!
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Great pieces here. I can't wait to see what else you add to it!
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thank you! i hope not to disappoint.
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good beginning to the haikuathon. i like the piece (:
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I like the sense of surrealism this piece generates - opening with a lullaby suggests sleep and dream, and the small drummers, whilst raindrops, also seem to dwell in the dreamworld in a more literal sense. Good stuff
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i am glad you enjoyed it.
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I like your choice of words and what you've portrayed to us. It's quite intriguing.
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Beautiful imagery. Solid word choice and form. Well done.
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