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Published: 2011-04-06 19:21:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 2841; Favourites: 34; Downloads: 19
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The sky grew dark, gestating a winter monster nourished by a cold northerly gale. The first stinging flakes, tiny needles of ice driven almost horizontally by the bitter blasts, whisked across the cracked asphalt and clung to the clumps of parched dead grass that lined the lonely road. The clouds, pregnant and writhing, bulged downward and in a great final heave gave birth to a howling whiteout.Far below, a tiny convoy struggled north against the wind, racing the growth of the snow banks that soon would strand it. In the lead, a decades-old green Lincoln Continental ploughed stoically onward, its windscreen wipers battling furiously against the snow. It was followed by an articulated lorry, its trailer marked "Anderson and Sons Logistics: Texas' Best Movers!"
Together, the two plodded on up the road toward the dearly-desired terminus of their interminable journey, the end of a seventeen hour drive.
A stile loomed up suddenly in the road, forcing the saloon to brake hard, then swerve to avoid being butted by the lorry. A hard squint through the swirling white revealed a frozen pond to the left, and so the Continental turned right, exchanging the frozen asphalt for a vast expanse of loose gravel, pocked with slush-filled craters but at least free of the treachery of black ice. The car lurched and bumped, swaying from side to side along the pitted path, more cattle trail than road by now, until it came to another stretch of tarmac beyond which rose the first few buildings, snow-encrusted outliers of the hidden town beyond:
CITY LIMIT
CARON CITY
Pop. 2,315
Beneath the city limit sign was another, hand-made of plywood and peeling around the edges, that cheerfully proclaimed a welcome from the local chapter of the Future Farmers of America.
The convoy turned and turned again, circling the sad yellow brick courthouse that squatted toad-like in the centre block of the quaint little town square, guarded by a platoon of bare, skeletal oak trees and a small copse of squad cars, huddled together against the cold in the tiny car park.
They passed Phelps' Grocer, which stands beside Phelps' Deli, which stands beside Phelps' Electronics. They passed Einstein's Salon, which had been named after its first owner a good ten years before the mussed mathematician became famous, its windows darkened but its sign highly visible, sporting a caricature of the mussed mathematician in hair curlers. They passed Barrett's Consignment and the Magpie's Nest, an antiques and curiosity shop that boasted the entire Beanie Babies collection in the front window, arranged artistically on a broken rocking chair, a scuffed-up armoire, and a rusted Radio Flyer wagon.
Of all the buildings on the square, only Miz Leanne's Ribs 'n' Burgers was open, a neon-lit bastion of humanity in the midst of nature's onslaught. The Continental and lorry continued on past, turning from Dooley onto Van Winkle, unnoticed by Miz Leanne's shivering patrons. The two vehicles proceeded past the high school, the elementary and the junior high, and into the residential area. They ploughed down Macgregor and turned onto Cypress, then onto Mulberry and down to the cul-de-sac. The juggernaut stopped on the street, the scream of its brake lost in the wind's deafening fury, and the Continental rolled on up the driveway and into the garage of the empty bungalow at the end.
Two men, heavily muffled in scarves and wool hats, got out of the lorry and began unloading through the snow. First out was an upright piano wrapped in plastic, then a bookcase, then a big wooden desk in pieces. Four hours later, they packed up and disappeared back into the storm. Within twenty minutes, there was no trace of their tracks.
Mrs. Montcrief pulled her head back from the window and called Mrs. Simmons, who in turn called Ms. Greer, Mrs. Lyle, and Mrs. O'Toole. By eight o'clock that night, half of Caron City knew that there was a stranger in town. By eight o'clock the next night, rumour had transformed the new person into a whole spectrum of characters, from an evangelical preacher to a professional photographer, but by the end of the week, when the stranger had failed to appear even once, the stories began to die.
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Comments: 62
QuiEstInLiteris In reply to ??? [2011-11-30 04:04:36 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for taking the time to go over this! It's actually in a quasi-final draft already, much different from what I've left up on DA, and I'm starting to send it around. *fingers crossed*
I had my own concerns about opening with the scene, but an editor I trust put me at ease. She said that it made the setting into its own character, which is really what I always had in mind. Small towns are like that. If it starts putting out poorly, I can always cut this chapter entirely or switch it to the POV of one of the old ladies watching the stranger arrive.
Not sure where you got Ulm, though. xD There used to be an Einstein's Salon near where I lived, and I just thought that it was such an atrocious name for a hair place, I had to use it. The story is set in Colorado.
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Catluckey In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-11-30 09:23:44 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for letting me know the location. I couldn't pinpoint it. I got it from the Einstein statement. And, of course, I used to live in Germany. hehehe.
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Doodelay [2011-11-11 06:32:38 +0000 UTC]
They passed Einstein's Salon, which had been named after its first owner a good ten years before the mussed mathematician became famous, its windows darkened but its sign highly visible, sporting a caricature of the mussed mathematician in hair curlers.
That absolutely could be formed into more than one sentence.
Although many seem to love your vocab i actually didn't know in God's name you were saying half the time. If this is who you are, be true. If this is someone going on dictionary. com or whatever, please tone it down.
I will say that your ending was well done and got my attention at the last second.
Your Book Blurb helped out as well.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to Doodelay [2011-11-11 20:44:17 +0000 UTC]
Ah, good catch. I think I noted that already in my edits, but I'll definitely make sure. That sentence is atrocious. xD
I think this is one of my worse chapters for vocabulary. Believe it or not, I talk like this in normal conversation. >>; You're not the first one who's told me to tone it down, and I swear I really am working on it. Comes of being raised by a reading teacher, I suppose.
Glad I managed to catch your attention, though. Do you think there's anything I could have done to catch it before the end?
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Doodelay In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-11-11 21:40:52 +0000 UTC]
Just replace some of the more uncommon vocab words with more common ones.
Not all, just enough to let the average reader in all on the fun too.
I'm sure had I known wat was taking place I'd have perked up before the last paragraph
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FleurChung [2011-10-25 02:04:32 +0000 UTC]
You've got me hooked. The first chapter is what draws people in, and you have perked my interest. I do not have time to read all the chapters now, but I will for sure be back to read them all. Thanks for sharing!
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to FleurChung [2011-10-25 14:09:23 +0000 UTC]
Ooh, brilliant! My nefarious plan is working!
I'm very glad you liked this one, and I hope you enjoy the rest. Thank you!
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SabreH-88 [2011-10-12 19:41:52 +0000 UTC]
A mini-critique/a few points for you:
Paragraph 1 - Do you need to write βalmostβ? Seeing as βtiny needlesβ is already a metaphor for the ice I donβt think you need to explain that they arenβt literally horizontal.
βwhiskedβ sounds a little soft to me after youβve described something so sharp. I wonder if βwhippedβ might be better as it leaves a stinging image.
I really like the first paragraph for all its birthing imagery, it contrasts nicely to how we usually view winter as the end of life.
Paragraph 3 - I wonder if removing βinterminableβ would improve this a little, have βterminusβ and βinterminableβ is like writing βendβ and βendlessβ, which I doubt you would do, it clashes a little too much.
Paragraph 5 - I think this should be βwhichβ not βthatβ (Beneath the city limit sign was another, hand-made of plywood and peeling around the edges, that) but Iβve always got confused with these, so if I'm wrong, sorry!
Paragraph 6 - Maybe remove βlittleβ as it seems to be suggested by βquaintβ already which is far more descriptive
Paragraph 7 - The change between past tense and present sounds a bit strange, maybe change it to βwhich stoodβ
Paragraph 9 - Love this, only three items of furniture and you begin to get a sense of the character moving in, an artist of some form, professional or otherwise
Paragraph 10 - This is NORFOLK β living in a village I know for a fact you have this idea of small town rumour down to a tee!
Really enjoyable as always
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to SabreH-88 [2011-10-12 23:01:10 +0000 UTC]
Ah, thanks!
I've actually already caught a couple of those, but the rest make perfect sense as well. xD I'm not posting any further edits on DA, but these will definitely end up scribbled in the margins of my hard copy.
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SabreH-88 In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-10-13 16:51:16 +0000 UTC]
No problem, I've made loads of changes to mine as well and I totally agree that forever posting new edits gets tedious!
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imperfect-parachute [2011-10-04 08:55:38 +0000 UTC]
Finally!! Someone who's more descriptive than me!!
(My friends accuse me of being too descriptive...but I just want everyone to see what I see as I write it when they read it...)
This is really good. The vocabulary is amazing!!! The first paragraph alone blew me away with the way you described everything so clearly and perfectly! Amazing!!
I'd be very interested in reading more. The book-blurb sounds really intriguing.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to imperfect-parachute [2011-10-04 13:45:56 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much!
Unfortunately, I've been told that I have a tendency to over-describe. I'm working on toning it down some.
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imperfect-parachute In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-10-06 08:00:39 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome!!
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xXinksXx [2011-09-11 04:51:34 +0000 UTC]
I really like your writing style It's very smooth and takes you right into the story! Love the descriptiveness too
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to xXinksXx [2011-09-11 13:32:08 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! ^^
I think I have a tendency to go a bit overboard on the description, though. I'm working on toning that down.
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xXinksXx In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-09-11 21:14:36 +0000 UTC]
I think you have a good in between where you don't boggle the reader's mind with them, and don't lack either. The people who complain there are too many descriptive adjectives in here haven't read some of the more irritating stories I've seen where this one guy stopped in the middle of a very tense fight to describe a stain on a very very old rug and where the rug's origin's probably came from....... THAT my friend, is going over board.
You're discriptiveness, is just right And I agree with what the other person said: it's like watching a movie, it's so good
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to xXinksXx [2011-09-11 21:31:06 +0000 UTC]
xDD Just because it's not as bad as it could be doesn't mean that it's perfect, though. I still plan to keep improving.
And geez, I know what you mean. I picked up a scifi-type book once that opened with a fight. The problem is, I didn't know that it was a fight until one of the characters died. xD It was so incredibly over-described that I thought we were just getting the setting down. I don't think I ever finished it.
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xXinksXx In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-09-12 07:08:23 +0000 UTC]
It's good to always plan to improve You can always better yourself in all sorts of ways - so Ganbatte! (which basically means "Do you best!/Good luck!")
Oh wow - a book like that would make me go O.o Bwah!
LoL - I also don't like it when they use terms and phrases that you aren't familiar with, but don't explain what it is at ALL.... I'm like...... okaaaay.... What's going on?! I don't understaaaand!!!
[*awesome announcer voice* Insert flaming confusion: - a confusion so intense, it bursts into FLAME!!!] LoL
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GlitchyReal [2011-08-28 10:16:06 +0000 UTC]
Very nice with the dressed up wording and the rich vocabulary! I got a nice vivid image of the places as you described them. I have to say though, the chapter is rather short. Perhaps elaborate on the stranger a bit more before having him disappear? I don't know what kind of impression that would have on the plot.
I look forward to Chapter II.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to GlitchyReal [2011-08-28 20:46:09 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! ^^
It's short because it started out as a prologue, until I decided that I dislike prologues and shifted all of my chapter numbers up one. Trust me, there will be plenty about the stranger later on.
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LadyNilstria [2011-08-13 02:25:21 +0000 UTC]
Greetings. I'm a new critiquer for the #FantasyAuthorsGuild. (I would submit a real DA critique, but I don't have a premium membership. Durr.)
You have a fatal flaw. TOO MANY ADJECTIVES. I'll be honest. It borders on absurd. Almost a quarter of your words are adjectives. It is simply overwhelming. Instead of "howling whiteout" say "whiteout". A whiteout is assumed to be howling. It's a whiteout.
The sky grew dark, gestating a winter monster nourished by a cold northerly gale. -----> A northerly gale turned the winter sky into a monster. Fourteen words become ten and loses none of its impact.
The first stinging flakes, tiny needles of ice driven almost horizontally by the bitter blasts, whisked across the cracked asphalt and clung to the clumps of parched dead grass that lined the lonely road. -----> Tiny needles of ice whisked across the cracked asphalt and clung to the dead grass lining the road. 34 words become eighteen.
The clouds, pregnant and writhing, bulged downward and in a great final heave gave birth to a howling whiteout. -----> The bulging clouds gave a final heaven and gave birth to a whiteout. I liked the imagery of birth, so I kept it, but reworked the structure into something without commas and unnecessary verbs.
Other than adjectives, your use of active verbs is nice and I commend you for that. Your verbs are powerful, so you don't need to bog them down with adverbs. The adjectives overwhelm your verbs and that is a shame. Try not to use so many commas and dependent clauses you pause the reader to death. Read your sentences aloud to see if it flows and can replace commas with conjunctions. Both have their place. Destroy the word "that".
If you learn how to be concise, your use of verbs and imagery tells me you could be a fabulous writer, but you need to work on that. You have a good foundation, but now you need to refine it.
Sincerely,
Nilstria
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to LadyNilstria [2011-08-13 03:14:40 +0000 UTC]
Plus I haven't got critique enabled on this one... xD I just submitted it before I got my premium and forgot to go through altering settings on things.
This chapter is intentionally wordy (at any rate, more so than the others) for the sake of setting a dark and formal tone, but you're certainly right. Everyone - myself included - seems to identify my main problem as overdescription. I'll be frank, though, and say that calling someone's style "absurd" does not really count as constructive criticism. I understand what you're saying, and I agree, but you ought to refrain from such strongly subjective words in a critique. I don't think you intended it, but my first reaction was insult.
That said, I do agree with your assessment, and I do appreciate the critique, and I do plan to use some of your suggestions, even though the final draft of this chapter (which won't be posted on DA) is all but complete and is pared down considerably from what you see here. I leave this posted to provide background for the later chapters, which also are rough copies. (Later chapters, by the way, are still heavily under revision. I think they're less adjective-laden than this one, but I'd be grateful for your opinion on that! Of all writers, I expect I'm the worst at catching my own mistakes.)
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work. To be honest, I rarely receive detailed critiques, and I was very pleased to find so lengthy a comment in my inbox.
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LadyNilstria In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-08-13 16:44:52 +0000 UTC]
I'm sorry I offended you. I shouldn't have used the pronoun. I meant to say the usage of adjectives was absurd, not your style of writing. I think the heavy use of adjectives caught me off guard and my clarity lapsed. You have a lovely writing style. I will certainly think more about subjectivity in the future. Thank you for telling me.
I just became a critiquer yesterday and didn't realize there was a separate Critique folder in the group gallery. >__> I got a little too enthusiastic.
I would be delighted to read more of your work.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to LadyNilstria [2011-08-13 18:13:07 +0000 UTC]
xD Good God, you mean my adjectives beat you senseless?! It's worse than I thought! I'll certainly foot any medical bills incurred.
Welcome to the critique club, then. I agree, it's often very difficult to tell who is looking for help and who is looking for praise. >>; I've been fussed at for that before. Enthusiasm is always a good thing, though. ^^
And I've used too many emotes already, and I ought to stop now. One more.
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LadyNilstria In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-08-14 00:32:21 +0000 UTC]
*is smacked in the face with adjectives* D: Give me your money.
Just kidding...maybe.
Hopefully, I'll be able to tell by the writing who can take criticism, but we'll see how far that goes.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to LadyNilstria [2011-08-14 01:06:20 +0000 UTC]
Best of luck, m'dear!
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TransferStudent [2011-08-07 06:07:18 +0000 UTC]
You have earned yourself a devoted deviant watcher
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to TransferStudent [2011-08-07 06:13:50 +0000 UTC]
xDD Woo, sounds like a pretty decent day's work to me! Thank you very much, m'dear!
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TransferStudent In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-08-08 04:06:18 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome!
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magdalagarza [2011-08-04 13:26:14 +0000 UTC]
The visuals here are astonishing. It was almost like watching the opening scene of a movie. I like how you used the moving van both as a plot point (a stranger is moving to town) and a way to show us the sights. Very neat!
Parts of this remind me a little bit of Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon Days: there's that fine attention to detail and the affectionately ironic voice. I loved that book, and I'm loving this too so far.
Will be coming back for the next chapters! Goodness, I'm so slow.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to magdalagarza [2011-08-04 21:05:20 +0000 UTC]
<3 Thank you! I was much happier with this version than with my original - a straight-up description of the town, with a passing mention of the stranger. And small towns definitely need more love.
I adore Lake Wobegon! So flattering to be compared to Garrison Keillor! You make me very happy, love. >w<
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magdalagarza In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-08-06 04:19:04 +0000 UTC]
I haven't read the first version, but this is just wonderfully good.
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ExquisitelyExplicit [2011-07-25 03:06:55 +0000 UTC]
Oh wow... Six years... That puts me to shame then, doesn't it? I've only been working on my trilogy since 2009.
But I guess I'm only 14 right now, so it's excusable.
Amazing work!
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to ExquisitelyExplicit [2011-07-25 03:16:32 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! xD But truly, all that means is that it really should be done by now. Six years is far too long for one folly.
If you're fourteen and working on a whole trilogy, you're doing pretty well.
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ExquisitelyExplicit In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-07-25 03:19:40 +0000 UTC]
I don't know. It's not HORRIBLE, though. There's this one trilogy I love that the author spent close to ten years writing, creating the world and perfecting the characters, etc. The last one was just published in America about eight or nine months ago.
Yep. I'm doing edit 3, and my final, of the first book. I hope to begin making a list of publishers/editors in about two months. I'm also about half way through draft one of the second.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to ExquisitelyExplicit [2011-07-25 03:37:24 +0000 UTC]
Heh, but that's a real author. Mine is only one book, set in the modern world with a few tweaks. I've just been too lazy to finish it.
I'm sure you'll let everyone know when there are signed copies available?
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ExquisitelyExplicit In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-07-25 03:43:09 +0000 UTC]
Oh, I get it... Haha. Everyone says that...
If you want to read any of it, I have a few excerpts posted.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to ExquisitelyExplicit [2011-07-25 03:49:39 +0000 UTC]
Yes, I've been perusing them.
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Lupana [2011-07-23 03:04:13 +0000 UTC]
I have to say, I loved the detail you put into the "small town". I happened to go to school in a town much like the one described here, and could easily picture your images My favorites have to be the "FFA Welcomes You" and how quickly news spreads (so very true of small towns). Keep it up man!
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to Lupana [2011-07-23 03:23:59 +0000 UTC]
<3 Thank you!
I spent quite a while in a small town, and I thought they needed ore love.
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LadyofGaerdon [2011-07-16 09:50:39 +0000 UTC]
I like the dry wit with which this is written. Very nice.
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JhenrhiIda [2011-06-28 01:29:08 +0000 UTC]
I never saw the first draft... if there was one. But I like how this starts and it makes me want to read more. Which is what I'm gonna do.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to JhenrhiIda [2011-06-28 02:09:14 +0000 UTC]
The first draft is floating around my gallery somewhere. Not sure why I haven't taken it down yet. It was a bit longer and a bit thicker, written more as one long description of the town.
I hope you enjoy the rest! <3
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JhenrhiIda In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-06-28 02:21:02 +0000 UTC]
I like this the way it is. It's short enough but you give just enough details (with a very interesting vocabulary too... had to look up some of those words) that it caught my interest and kept it.
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QuiEstInLiteris In reply to JhenrhiIda [2011-06-28 02:26:37 +0000 UTC]
Really? D: Which ones? Do you think I should try to find a more common synonym?
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JhenrhiIda In reply to QuiEstInLiteris [2011-06-29 00:35:15 +0000 UTC]
Woah! Don't freak! I don't have that immense a vocabulary to begin with, so I'd have to look those words up anyway. Now that I know them, it's a simple introduction that makes you want to know more about these people/person.
And if I didn't find this in a vampire lit group, I'd read further anyway to find out what it's about.
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