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Description
Welcome to the first part of the WinneBobble #1300 celebrations. Now, let's get this funeral over with.

SAINTS ROW (2022).
Developed by: Volition.
Published by: Deep Silver.
Genre: Sandbox Crime Simulator.
Rated: 18 (contain strong language, violence and content not suitable for young children).

As a series, Saints Row was that friend you had in college who always knew what to say to get you laughing and how to have a good time. However, he eventually married a blue haired Twitter nutjob and now he's talking about taxing the rich, or how being a Welsh Vegan is both spiritual and makes him #blessed .

To call Saints Row (2022) 'dead on arrival' is an insult to actual corpses and a prime example of franchise suicide in order to pander to the non-existent “modern audience.” Maybe it's a good thing Timesplitters died when it did.

However, I would argue this outcome has less to do with "get woke, go broke", but rather the latest in an ongoing antagonistic relationship between Volition and their fanbase. Ever since the series peaked with Saints Row 2, Volition have made it very clear they hate their audience with a passion by going to more dickish extremes; all because fans wanted Volition to deliver on their promises and the very ideas they set up to begin with.

The bitterness began with Saints Row 3's DLC - featuring a buck-toothed bespeckled nerd cliché - desperately clinging to the Saints' earlier exploits that was clearly a stand-in for their audience. Saints Row 4 continued this trend with the complete derailing of the Dex subplot fans wanted a resolution to. They also gave one of the villains, Cyrus Temple, a strange misogynistic angle that felt out of place, while I view it as the first attempt of Volition's virtue signalling.

Agents of Mayhem seemed to be a fresh start and to let Saints Row die after the fourth game; allowing Volition to cater to their interests of Saturday morning cartoons like G.I. Joe and the Transformers. It must of pissed them off pretty hard when everyone called it: "a load of subpar Saints Row bollocks!" while asking for Saints Row 5 or, at the very least, a remaster of Saints Row 1&2. This was also the game that really set the foundation for their lazy and half-finished approach to game development.

Just so we're shitting on arseholes, Deep Silver deserve a portion of this blame as well due to their structure, demands and handling of Agents of Mayhem. Not that I was expecting any professionalism and class from the twats who thought *this* was a good idea: www.youtube.com/watch?v=YngbHO…

"Alright then, assholes", Volition said angrily. "You want Saints Row so badly? *Here's* your bloody Saints Row!!!" and announced a reboot to the franchise nobody was asking for. The killing blow for this game was incorporating the one thing most gamers hate with a burning passion: social justice and progressive politics. Judging by the state of the game at launch, Volition clearly doesn't care anymore and would rather go out of business out of spite, than to give the audience what they actually want.

Also, word of advice, lads: Don't throw a clumsy potshot at Todd Howard when his games were never this buggy and unfinished.

You'd think this reboot would dial things back to Saints Row 1's level, so we can naturally build back up to 4's sheer insanity. I guess Volition missed that memo for we have a game with Saints Row 3’s mix of weapons, tech and vehicles. Kinda difficult to take these kids seriously on being “downtrodden peasants” when they have wing suits, hoverbikes, sticky grenades and the kind of gimmicky shit Norman Osborn would use to torement Spider-Man.

On the subject of the writing, I’d say it’s about on par with the likes of the WWE or modern comic book movies: cringey, self-aware and painfully unfunny that you know was written by a team of 40 year old men trying to "relate to da kidz!" The only real change to the SR formula is they've dropped all the risky and sexual humour the series was best known for, in favour of a more sanitised expeience so sterile that all that's missing is a "Raid's Shadow Legends" commerical. Sure, you can gun down thousands of people in cold blood, but DON'T YOU DARE say something like RimJobs or Freckle Bitches! You might hurt someone's feelings!

One joke I've seen online is people calling this "Saints Row: The Netflix Series" and that alone is infinitely funnier than every joke in this game.

When it comes to our main characters, a lot of what and I went over with the reveal trailer still holds true - so anything I don't say can be found in the link below.
www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a…

I did consider Dom, Daisy, Rhiannon or even Maia for this playthrough, but given the ugly character model and options, I settled on making Jen Eric instead.

You play as a custom antagonist who, along with his/her/their friends, enters the crime business to wipe out their student debt. To quote a complete arsehole: "That's a really middle class problem." I say antagonist because there is nothing relatable or likeable about the main character. They're reckless, disobey orders and come across as an entitled prick who's only really good at killing people.

We're told they're trying to pay off their student loans, so, going by the American education system, they should be around 21-23 years of age. May I ask what college course did they take to make you the kind of mercenary that can fill more graveyards than Tony Blair with some dodgy satellite photos? The quick fix solution to this dilemma is to show our "heroes" feeling remorse for their actions; maybe even a little guilty about taking lives on a whim. I'm not saying go overboard like Persona 5 did, but maybe show our young Saints wracked with guilt or even vomit at the prospect of their first kill.

Or, you know, DON’T make your main characters out of college zoomers if you also want them to be highly skilled killers.

Savour this, for I'll never say it again, but I must give credit to the Tomb Raider reboot for giving us a sympathetic (and slightly accurate) decent into the art of murder. Young Lara Croft was horrified about killing animals to stay alive - even offering a tearful "I'm sorry" when doing so - before going gung ho with the murder by the end. The new Saints however are perfectly fine with killing as many people as possible right from the start. This is what we like to call "tonal whiplash."

Jen Eric: "Okay. Brunch is done, dishes are clean, let's go rob a payday loan place."

That line of dialogue sums it up quite nicely. It's hilarious watching the game try to paint these characters as wholesome as the original Power Rangers - with their comments about charities, boardgame nights, karaoke and tackling carbon footprints and capitalism - but all of that falls at the wayside with their constant stealing, selfish attitudes, sociopathic tendencies and, oh yeah, the whole MASS MURDER thing!

I know the original Saints were also cold blooded killers, but that was kind of the point. You were playing a bad guy simulator with a team of gangsters taking over a city. They were unapologetic in their actions and never bullshited you on what they were - Killers. Hearing these Zoomers talking about donating toys to an orphanage falls on deaf ears after they've possibly put the victim's kids in that orphanage.

Also, by the halfway point, that whole student loan subplot just vanishes by the wayside and doesn't really come up again (much like a lot of things in this plot) yet the Saints still go ahead and become corporate whores; despite wanting to bring down capitalism. Do you see how this story is falling apart at lightspeed?

To wrap things up with the main characters, the game keeps doing this thing I like to call "justifying your own bullshit." As I've said, they want you to think of these characters as wholesome heroes who are just looking out for the little guy. The problem, however, is that they're not so much humble social justice warriors, but more along the lines of unsympathetic murderous sociopaths. Everytime we engage in illegal activity, the game tries justifying their behaviour as being relatable, yet unsurprisingly, it has the opposite effect.

I'll give you an example: Imagine the main character murders a man in front of his wife and children, yet the other characters justify this by saying: "oh, they're a Republican, so it's okay!" No, moron, you've just killed someone in front of their family AND you want to be regarded as a hero? This theme continues when it comes to the law. Late into the game, a lawyer presents them with a document proclaiming they’re in legal trouble for their actions. They cannot argue with this document, but have no issue murdering the lawyer who presented it to them? All of this could be fixed by casting these figures as the villain of the story, yet Volition insists we like these wreckless idiots and be inspired by them.

If this was meant to be a parody of Antifa, Extinction Rebeleon, Twitter and activists in general, I'd say they've nailed it - But they're being serious!

But what would a Saints Row game be without some good old rival gangs? This aspect was also dead on arrival since Saints Row 1-3 did all the best gangster stereotypes and clichés; making any attempt by a potential Saints Row 5 to be entirely fruitless.

The Vice Kings were your standard hip hop/pimp clichés.
Los Carnales and The Sons of Samedi were drug cartel stand-ins.
The Westside Rollers and the Brotherhood were street racing petrol heads.
The Ronin were "every Yakuza stereotype ever."
Ultor was a parody of authoritarianism.
The Morningstar were pervery traffickers.
STAG was a private militia group.
The Luchadores were, well, luchadores.
And finally, the Deckers probably inspired Ubisoft's shitty Watch_Dogs series.

Do you see how all the bases were covered? So much so that when it came time for Saints Row 4, Volition basically said: "Fuck it! Let's do aliens!"

But this is a reboot after all. A chance to start again fresh with a clean slate. So, what's the best this reboot can offer? The Brotherhood 2.0, absolute wankers and another private militia group. Thank God I got this preowned. Also, if you were expecting expansive missions where you pick these clowns apart piece by piece, just like the old Saints Row games?

Bad News Barrett: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news!"

This is the hyperbole talking, but it honestly felt like 3-4 missions before each gang was done. Adding insult to injury is the fact you don't even take out the gang leaders in a boss fight or final showdown like in past SR games, rather they just go out in a wet fart of a cutscene (Ubisoft would be so proud).

But, let’s break this down.

Los Panteros is probably the least interesting of the trio. I called them a Brotherhood clone because that’s ultimately what they are. Instead of tattoos and monster trucks, they’re really into protein shakes and flexing. Very forgettable and become an afterthought when their leader is killed in a cutscene by an NPC.

The Idols represent everything I hate about this game; to the point I began to get genuine pleasure in hunting them down and ripping them to shreds. They’re a combination of Egyptian mythology, post-capitalistic ideas and Daft Punk. To call this gang ‘reaching’ would be a bloody understatement. There’s also a strong whiff of hypocrisy wafting off these self-righteous cockends. They spend a chunk of the game talking about how society needs to cast off material possessions and wealth, yet they live in luxury mansions, the whitests suburbs of the game and, of course, THEIR OWN PRIVATE YACHT.

I think it's because of that, the Idols began to give me a strong sense of Poe’s Law. When gang members took a brief pause from shooting me just to take a selfie, I couldn’t decide if Volition was either taking the piss, or offering a tone-deaf commentary on “the kids these days.” Though I’m going to go with tone-deaf by the fact they listen to Dubstep - A style of music that hasn’t been popular for nearly 10 years.

And finally, we have Marshall. Do you get it? Marshall? As in “Marshall Law?” Woah! Slow the fuck down, Volition! You’re just blowing me away with this Dan Slott calibre writing here.

The problem with Marshall is they’re not technically a gang like the Idols or Los Panteros. They’re more akin to STAG from Saints Row 3, but with the corporate structure and politics of Ultor from Saints Row 2. They also kept giving me “Overwatch” vibes with some of the character designs. Out of the three, Marshall has more involvement to the plot because your character begins the game working for them. However, after the formation of the Saints, they disappear for a while and reappear near the conclusion of the second act.

Their ultimate downfall is the fact that corporate greed is a story thread that’s been done to death. Dane Vogel from SR2 executed the evil corrupt businessman angle perfectly. He was slimy, quick to backstab and was obsessed with power. Atticus Marshall on the other hand feels like a Poundland version of Vince McMahon, Lex Luthor and Yosemite Sam all rolled into one. Plus they’re entirely pointless when you consider the Police and SWAT teams can be called in to hunt down the Saints, so having another gimmicky task force on top was really unnecessary.

Now there is technically a fourth gang, but they only appear at the very beginning and end of the main campaign. They’re never given a name, but they work for what the game wants to call the overarching antagonist to the story, but that’s being far too generous if you ask me.

The Nahualli.
This is the only character I cared about throughout the entire campaign - given his own natural style and charisma - But they still found a way to cripple his contribution into the same sterilised ‘comedy’ the game force fed me with a shotgun. You encounter him in the first mission as you’re ordered by Marshall to apprehend him. You succeed in his capture and he’s sent to jail. He’s suddenly brought back into the plot when the game realised the three gangs were just as pathetic as our main ‘heroes’ as you need his help with a train robbery.

He feels like a character that's been plucked from another studio that's forced to babysit these wreckless idiots. While Nahualli wants to plan the train heist (the very reason we busted him out of jail in the first place) the Saints want to do some team building exercises. I know people have picked apart the awful comedic element of this moment, whereas I’m left wondering: “why has Nahualli even agreed to help these entitled dipshits and not killed them at the first chance he got?”

So with zero planning or effort, our team of Jen Eric’s pull off the train heist and paid Nahualli with one single gold bar. After That, he vanishes yet again until what feels like the fifth final act of the game.

I say “fifth final act” because this story is so poorly written, that it never decides on what the final outcome should be. The first end goal was paying off the student loans, but that is quietly resolved off camera. The second end goal was the train heist, but we’ve just covered that, with the only noteworthy detail being this somehow removes Los Panteros from the story. Then, our goal is stealing something called “the Hummingbird Codex” from the Idols. What is this book and what does it do? “Who cares!” says Volition. So we succeed in stealing this book and it never becomes a factor in the plot again. Then, Marshall invokes a non-compete clause in your contract and legally takes away ownership of the Saints from you. Why any corporate entity would ever want to be involved with a criminal gang baffles me. Anyway, we regain ownership of the Saints, kill Atticus and resolve the legal bs in less than a day.

Remember how in the previous Saints Row games where members of our gang would die or we’d take a few loses on the way to the top? Nope? That’s okay, Volition doesn’t remember that detail either because having flawless Jen Eric’s who always win is way more interesting.

So after that, we finally come back to the Nahualli who, what a shocker, betrays you and buries you alive. If the game had the balls to roll credits at this moment, I’d have given it five stars and called it Game of the Year. But alas, this is where the game derails Nahualli, along with the rest of the character’s in this miserable experience. He’s become incredibly jealous of you (HOW AND WHY?) so he tries to kill you and take over your life for himself. At no point in our brief interactions did this guy ever show a major liking for the Saints. He’s more confused at their behaviour and at times just humoured them. The game drives this joke even further into the ground by Nahualli forcing your friends to live out some weird sitcom life on a set with himself as the main character.

Any wonder why this game went from £60 to £34 in less than a few weeks?

Bottom line on this story.
This is utter pigshit. Clearly a rough draft that needed WEEKS of edits and rewrites. At no point did this story make me care or sympathise with these spoiled, narcissistic and generally detestable characters. When I have more sympathy for the so-called villains of the story and pray to Unicorn the ‘heroes’ die and have cheap funerals, you know something has gone wrong.

Gameplay.
So while the story is trying to be set in modern times, the gameplay is stuck somewhere around 2011. When I saw the first gameplay reveal, I said to myself: "huh, this kinda looks like Saints Row 3." Now having played the game, I quickly realised: "Wait a second, this IS Saints Row 3!" Even down to the same graphics used on the Xbox 360!

Character customisation (post creation) can now be done via your almighty smartphone; so clothing and even your entire body can be modified with a phone app. This feels incredibly lazy and screams Fallout 76 to me.

Many of the mechanics and upgrade systems from previous games have returned, but the guns feel even weaker than the starting guns from the previous four games. The fact I need to upgrade my 44 magnum to even get magnum ammo is beyond insulting. 44 mags don’t need special upgrades! This is the gun I call “Death’s middle finger” because of how powerful this glorified cannon is. The only upgrade it truly needs is holding a second one in my other hand!

The driving is on onpoint but, as always, I chose to travel chiefly by air since it covers more ground in the least amount of time. You also gain access to a wingsuit mechanic, which is a nice idea, but not a great way to get around the city. When it comes to side activities, minus all the sexual based ones (because we don't want to upset Twitter), they're all copy/pasted from Saints Row 3. Even the brief segment, Boot Hill, is just a reskinned Professor Genki but feels like it's apeing Manhunt. There’s also “EVERY LARPING JOKE EVER” that really outstayed its welcome by the end of the second mission.

Instead of worrying about appeasing Twatter with Pseudo-Diversity, how about giving this game the actual diversity it needed in mission variety? I say that because a lot of the side activities don’t offer anything stand out or unique. In terms of activities introduced in this game, they tend to follow one of these formulas.

1: Drive to place - shoot people - steal vehicle and bring it back to base - shoot people.
2: Drive to place - steal vehicle/object and bring it to base/drop off point.
3: Drive to place - drive back to base while riding on the roof and shooting people.
4: Drive to place - shoot people.

Now in comparison to Saints Row 2.
1: Drive around and spray shit on houses.
2: Zombie minigame.
3: A sex minigame.
4: Streaking.
5: Taxi driver.
6: Being a cop for a reality TV show.
7: Crowd control where you get to murder people in a variety of creative ways.
8: Helicopter assault.
9: Trailblazing.
10: Fireman.
11: Ambulance.

Even the franchise staples like insurance fraud, hitman and mayhem are badly implemented or aren’t as fun as before. In past Saints Row titles, you’d have to perform an activity between five to six times. The reboot however drags this shit out between seven to fourteen times. The longer it goes on, the more tedious and monotonous it becomes. Despite the fact it says do something fourteen times, it’s actually thirteen but the game wastes a slot by having you go back to the location and to hear your contractor thank you.

Rather than taking over the city by force, you have to buy properties and manage their own business ventures. For a game that's all about "ending capitalism" they're really into capitalist business ventures. Revenue comes in at a very slow rate so building these business ventures begins to feel like a grind. Even when you unlock new clothing shops, they only offer you 12 new items that are bland and uninspired. Making this process entirely pointless.

Now onto the thing that might be the deal breaker for all of you.

I was on my way to the final mission, but the game withheld this until I completed some side hustles and built a few businesses first. I know this mechanic existed in the first two Saints Row games, but those titles had many methods on building respect points to unlock more missions. The sudden reintroduction of this mechanic at the very end of the game is both jarring and out of place. So, I do all that (this took hours of tedious side quest bullshit) but sure enough I unlock the final mission. I beat the mission and the credits roll... Or, so I thought.

The game quickly informed me it's holding the actual ending to the game out of reach until I've done even more tedious side content so I can build Saints Tower; a shitty callback to Saints Row 3. But I came this far and I wasn’t prepared to let Volition have the final word on this. I complete the tasks and build all the business ventures. Then the game said I needed to raise $8,000,000 in order to construct this gaudy eyesore. If you’re wondering why that’s a big deal, the other buildings cost $1,600,000 in comparison.

Eddie: It’s a bit steep isn’t it?
Richie: Steep? It’s effing vertical.

So, I get through this unreasonable task and finally build the Saints Tower. What was my final reward for all this hard work and weeks of playing this awful game? The Saints singing a painful rendition of the song ‘Love Shack’ via karaoke. No new guns, gear, or even an unlockable Johnny Gat. I was rewarded with the game essentially doing this www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctr9Zf…

They pulled a Super Mario Sunshine and Batman: Arkham Knight: Forcing you to do extra shit to get nothing good in return. I'm also reminded of that Simpsons episode where Bart is trying to raise money to buy a rare comic book, so he works for a senile old woman who puts him through Hell - All for the privilege of being paid 2 quarters. With that in mind, I'm now going to quote what Bart said as my response to Volition for pulling this shite: "I can leave without screaming and I can leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way I am saying thank you."

Before this shit began, I was on the verge of a begrudging recommendation. I'd of said "wait for it to be a bargain bin release or get it preowned. Just mute all voice lines, skip every cutscene and it's a passable experience" But this conclusion has pushed this into 'Worst Game of the Year' contendership and me saying "I cannot recommend this shitpile out of principle!"

And finally, the bugs. Sweet Jesus, the bugs.
It took a few hours for them to show up, but it was the only time I laughed in this playthrough. Jen goes to the kitchen to "eat her feelings" by reaching her hand through a fridge door and magically pulling a waffle out of it. Then the waffle began to disappear and reappear with a button press while the fridge doors opened by themselves. Later on, Jen's arms spazzed out during a takedown animation as they flailed around like Bruce Lee with nunchucks. Later on, she mimicked her comic self by T-Posing in a moving car. And my personal favourite - she glued herself to the roof of a car, crouched and spun around really fast like the Tasmanian Devil.

Conclusion.
In case it wasn’t clear by now - This is a really bad game. Even when they eventually patch this up or add more DLC down the road, it's a game I cannot recommend due to the sheer boredom and bullshit it offers. It’s very archaic in design and cringey in its overall message. It feels like they jumped onto this woke/progressive agenda eight years too late and hasn’t realised it’s now a universally reviled position to hold (just ask Hollywood).

But you know what? I could've forgiven this entire thing if it wasn’t for the fact Volition was so narcissistic, stubborn, tone deaf and beyond delusional in thinking this cancerous mess is what Saints Row fans truly wanted. You just keep comparing fans to 'terrorists' on your social-media, Volition, it doesn't change the fact your hubris and shitty attitudes killed this franchise!

In fact, this game reminds me of someone in both style and overall attitude. And just like this reboot, they are STUNNINGLY full of shit!

Where does Saints Row go from here? Hopefully no where as this is the Mass Effect Andromeda of 2022. Who wants to start a betting pool they’ll pull a Capcom and come back with Saints Row 5 in a few years from now?

Do not play this game. It is not worth your time in the slightest.

Description
Welcome to the first part of the WinneBobble #1300 celebrations. Now, let's get this funeral over with.

SAINTS ROW (2022).
Developed by: Volition.
Published by: Deep Silver.
Genre: Sandbox Crime Simulator.
Rated: 18 (contain strong language, violence and content not suitable for young children).

As a series, Saints Row was that friend you had in college who always knew what to say to get you laughing and how to have a good time. However, he eventually married a blue haired Twitter nutjob and now he's talking about taxing the rich, or how being a Welsh Vegan is both spiritual and makes him #blessed .

To call Saints Row (2022) 'dead on arrival' is an insult to actual corpses and a prime example of franchise suicide in order to pander to the non-existent “modern audience.” Maybe it's a good thing Timesplitters died when it did.

However, I would argue this outcome has less to do with "get woke, go broke", but rather the latest in an ongoing antagonistic relationship between Volition and their fanbase. Ever since the series peaked with Saints Row 2, Volition have made it very clear they hate their audience with a passion by going to more dickish extremes; all because fans wanted Volition to deliver on their promises and the very ideas they set up to begin with.

The bitterness began with Saints Row 3's DLC - featuring a buck-toothed bespeckled nerd cliché - desperately clinging to the Saints' earlier exploits that was clearly a stand-in for their audience. Saints Row 4 continued this trend with the complete derailing of the Dex subplot fans wanted a resolution to. They also gave one of the villains, Cyrus Temple, a strange misogynistic angle that felt out of place, while I view it as the first attempt of Volition's virtue signalling.

Agents of Mayhem seemed to be a fresh start and to let Saints Row die after the fourth game; allowing Volition to cater to their interests of Saturday morning cartoons like G.I. Joe and the Transformers. It must of pissed them off pretty hard when everyone called it: "a load of subpar Saints Row bollocks!" while asking for Saints Row 5 or, at the very least, a remaster of Saints Row 1&2. This was also the game that really set the foundation for their lazy and half-finished approach to game development.

Just so we're shitting on arseholes, Deep Silver deserve a portion of this blame as well due to their structure, demands and handling of Agents of Mayhem. Not that I was expecting any professionalism and class from the twats who thought *this* was a good idea: www.youtube.com/watch?v=YngbHO…

"Alright then, assholes", Volition said angrily. "You want Saints Row so badly? *Here's* your bloody Saints Row!!!" and announced a reboot to the franchise nobody was asking for. The killing blow for this game was incorporating the one thing most gamers hate with a burning passion: social justice and progressive politics. Judging by the state of the game at launch, Volition clearly doesn't care anymore and would rather go out of business out of spite, than to give the audience what they actually want.

Also, word of advice, lads: Don't throw a clumsy potshot at Todd Howard when his games were never this buggy and unfinished.

You'd think this reboot would dial things back to Saints Row 1's level, so we can naturally build back up to 4's sheer insanity. I guess Volition missed that memo for we have a game with Saints Row 3’s mix of weapons, tech and vehicles. Kinda difficult to take these kids seriously on being “downtrodden peasants” when they have wing suits, hoverbikes, sticky grenades and the kind of gimmicky shit Norman Osborn would use to torement Spider-Man.

On the subject of the writing, I’d say it’s about on par with the likes of the WWE or modern comic book movies: cringey, self-aware and painfully unfunny that you know was written by a team of 40 year old men trying to "relate to da kidz!" The only real change to the SR formula is they've dropped all the risky and sexual humour the series was best known for, in favour of a more sanitised expeience so sterile that all that's missing is a "Raid's Shadow Legends" commerical. Sure, you can gun down thousands of people in cold blood, but DON'T YOU DARE say something like RimJobs or Freckle Bitches! You might hurt someone's feelings!

One joke I've seen online is people calling this "Saints Row: The Netflix Series" and that alone is infinitely funnier than every joke in this game.

When it comes to our main characters, a lot of what and I went over with the reveal trailer still holds true - so anything I don't say can be found in the link below.
www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a…

I did consider Dom, Daisy, Rhiannon or even Maia for this playthrough, but given the ugly character model and options, I settled on making Jen Eric instead.

You play as a custom antagonist who, along with his/her/their friends, enters the crime business to wipe out their student debt. To quote a complete arsehole: "That's a really middle class problem." I say antagonist because there is nothing relatable or likeable about the main character. They're reckless, disobey orders and come across as an entitled prick who's only really good at killing people.

We're told they're trying to pay off their student loans, so, going by the American education system, they should be around 21-23 years of age. May I ask what college course did they take to make you the kind of mercenary that can fill more graveyards than Tony Blair with some dodgy satellite photos? The quick fix solution to this dilemma is to show our "heroes" feeling remorse for their actions; maybe even a little guilty about taking lives on a whim. I'm not saying go overboard like Persona 5 did, but maybe show our young Saints wracked with guilt or even vomit at the prospect of their first kill.

Or, you know, DON’T make your main characters out of college zoomers if you also want them to be highly skilled killers.

Savour this, for I'll never say it again, but I must give credit to the Tomb Raider reboot for giving us a sympathetic (and slightly accurate) decent into the art of murder. Young Lara Croft was horrified about killing animals to stay alive - even offering a tearful "I'm sorry" when doing so - before going gung ho with the murder by the end. The new Saints however are perfectly fine with killing as many people as possible right from the start. This is what we like to call "tonal whiplash."

Jen Eric: "Okay. Brunch is done, dishes are clean, let's go rob a payday loan place."

That line of dialogue sums it up quite nicely. It's hilarious watching the game try to paint these characters as wholesome as the original Power Rangers - with their comments about charities, boardgame nights, karaoke and tackling carbon footprints and capitalism - but all of that falls at the wayside with their constant stealing, selfish attitudes, sociopathic tendencies and, oh yeah, the whole MASS MURDER thing!

I know the original Saints were also cold blooded killers, but that was kind of the point. You were playing a bad guy simulator with a team of gangsters taking over a city. They were unapologetic in their actions and never bullshited you on what they were - Killers. Hearing these Zoomers talking about donating toys to an orphanage falls on deaf ears after they've possibly put the victim's kids in that orphanage.

Also, by the halfway point, that whole student loan subplot just vanishes by the wayside and doesn't really come up again (much like a lot of things in this plot) yet the Saints still go ahead and become corporate whores; despite wanting to bring down capitalism. Do you see how this story is falling apart at lightspeed?

To wrap things up with the main characters, the game keeps doing this thing I like to call "justifying your own bullshit." As I've said, they want you to think of these characters as wholesome heroes who are just looking out for the little guy. The problem, however, is that they're not so much humble social justice warriors, but more along the lines of unsympathetic murderous sociopaths. Everytime we engage in illegal activity, the game tries justifying their behaviour as being relatable, yet unsurprisingly, it has the opposite effect.

I'll give you an example: Imagine the main character murders a man in front of his wife and children, yet the other characters justify this by saying: "oh, they're a Republican, so it's okay!" No, moron, you've just killed someone in front of their family AND you want to be regarded as a hero? This theme continues when it comes to the law. Late into the game, a lawyer presents them with a document proclaiming they’re in legal trouble for their actions. They cannot argue with this document, but have no issue murdering the lawyer who presented it to them? All of this could be fixed by casting these figures as the villain of the story, yet Volition insists we like these wreckless idiots and be inspired by them.

If this was meant to be a parody of Antifa, Extinction Rebeleon, Twitter and activists in general, I'd say they've nailed it - But they're being serious!

But what would a Saints Row game be without some good old rival gangs? This aspect was also dead on arrival since Saints Row 1-3 did all the best gangster stereotypes and clichés; making any attempt by a potential Saints Row 5 to be entirely fruitless.

The Vice Kings were your standard hip hop/pimp clichés.
Los Carnales and The Sons of Samedi were drug cartel stand-ins.
The Westside Rollers and the Brotherhood were street racing petrol heads.
The Ronin were "every Yakuza stereotype ever."
Ultor was a parody of authoritarianism.
The Morningstar were pervery traffickers.
STAG was a private militia group.
The Luchadores were, well, luchadores.
And finally, the Deckers probably inspired Ubisoft's shitty Watch_Dogs series.

Do you see how all the bases were covered? So much so that when it came time for Saints Row 4, Volition basically said: "Fuck it! Let's do aliens!"

But this is a reboot after all. A chance to start again fresh with a clean slate. So, what's the best this reboot can offer? The Brotherhood 2.0, absolute wankers and another private militia group. Thank God I got this preowned. Also, if you were expecting expansive missions where you pick these clowns apart piece by piece, just like the old Saints Row games?

Bad News Barrett: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news!"

This is the hyperbole talking, but it honestly felt like 3-4 missions before each gang was done. Adding insult to injury is the fact you don't even take out the gang leaders in a boss fight or final showdown like in past SR games, rather they just go out in a wet fart of a cutscene (Ubisoft would be so proud).

But, let’s break this down.

Los Panteros is probably the least interesting of the trio. I called them a Brotherhood clone because that’s ultimately what they are. Instead of tattoos and monster trucks, they’re really into protein shakes and flexing. Very forgettable and become an afterthought when their leader is killed in a cutscene by an NPC.

The Idols represent everything I hate about this game; to the point I began to get genuine pleasure in hunting them down and ripping them to shreds. They’re a combination of Egyptian mythology, post-capitalistic ideas and Daft Punk. To call this gang ‘reaching’ would be a bloody understatement. There’s also a strong whiff of hypocrisy wafting off these self-righteous cockends. They spend a chunk of the game talking about how society needs to cast off material possessions and wealth, yet they live in luxury mansions, the whitests suburbs of the game and, of course, THEIR OWN PRIVATE YACHT.

I think it's because of that, the Idols began to give me a strong sense of Poe’s Law. When gang members took a brief pause from shooting me just to take a selfie, I couldn’t decide if Volition was either taking the piss, or offering a tone-deaf commentary on “the kids these days.” Though I’m going to go with tone-deaf by the fact they listen to Dubstep - A style of music that hasn’t been popular for nearly 10 years.

And finally, we have Marshall. Do you get it? Marshall? As in “Marshall Law?” Woah! Slow the fuck down, Volition! You’re just blowing me away with this Dan Slott calibre writing here.

The problem with Marshall is they’re not technically a gang like the Idols or Los Panteros. They’re more akin to STAG from Saints Row 3, but with the corporate structure and politics of Ultor from Saints Row 2. They also kept giving me “Overwatch” vibes with some of the character designs. Out of the three, Marshall has more involvement to the plot because your character begins the game working for them. However, after the formation of the Saints, they disappear for a while and reappear near the conclusion of the second act.

Their ultimate downfall is the fact that corporate greed is a story thread that’s been done to death. Dane Vogel from SR2 executed the evil corrupt businessman angle perfectly. He was slimy, quick to backstab and was obsessed with power. Atticus Marshall on the other hand feels like a Poundland version of Vince McMahon, Lex Luthor and Yosemite Sam all rolled into one. Plus they’re entirely pointless when you consider the Police and SWAT teams can be called in to hunt down the Saints, so having another gimmicky task force on top was really unnecessary.

Now there is technically a fourth gang, but they only appear at the very beginning and end of the main campaign. They’re never given a name, but they work for what the game wants to call the overarching antagonist to the story, but that’s being far too generous if you ask me.

The Nahualli.
This is the only character I cared about throughout the entire campaign - given his own natural style and charisma - But they still found a way to cripple his contribution into the same sterilised ‘comedy’ the game force fed me with a shotgun. You encounter him in the first mission as you’re ordered by Marshall to apprehend him. You succeed in his capture and he’s sent to jail. He’s suddenly brought back into the plot when the game realised the three gangs were just as pathetic as our main ‘heroes’ as you need his help with a train robbery.

He feels like a character that's been plucked from another studio that's forced to babysit these wreckless idiots. While Nahualli wants to plan the train heist (the very reason we busted him out of jail in the first place) the Saints want to do some team building exercises. I know people have picked apart the awful comedic element of this moment, whereas I’m left wondering: “why has Nahualli even agreed to help these entitled dipshits and not killed them at the first chance he got?”

So with zero planning or effort, our team of Jen Eric’s pull off the train heist and paid Nahualli with one single gold bar. After That, he vanishes yet again until what feels like the fifth final act of the game.

I say “fifth final act” because this story is so poorly written, that it never decides on what the final outcome should be. The first end goal was paying off the student loans, but that is quietly resolved off camera. The second end goal was the train heist, but we’ve just covered that, with the only noteworthy detail being this somehow removes Los Panteros from the story. Then, our goal is stealing something called “the Hummingbird Codex” from the Idols. What is this book and what does it do? “Who cares!” says Volition. So we succeed in stealing this book and it never becomes a factor in the plot again. Then, Marshall invokes a non-compete clause in your contract and legally takes away ownership of the Saints from you. Why any corporate entity would ever want to be involved with a criminal gang baffles me. Anyway, we regain ownership of the Saints, kill Atticus and resolve the legal bs in less than a day.

Remember how in the previous Saints Row games where members of our gang would die or we’d take a few loses on the way to the top? Nope? That’s okay, Volition doesn’t remember that detail either because having flawless Jen Eric’s who always win is way more interesting.

So after that, we finally come back to the Nahualli who, what a shocker, betrays you and buries you alive. If the game had the balls to roll credits at this moment, I’d have given it five stars and called it Game of the Year. But alas, this is where the game derails Nahualli, along with the rest of the character’s in this miserable experience. He’s become incredibly jealous of you (HOW AND WHY?) so he tries to kill you and take over your life for himself. At no point in our brief interactions did this guy ever show a major liking for the Saints. He’s more confused at their behaviour and at times just humoured them. The game drives this joke even further into the ground by Nahualli forcing your friends to live out some weird sitcom life on a set with himself as the main character.

Any wonder why this game went from £60 to £34 in less than a few weeks?

Bottom line on this story.
This is utter pigshit. Clearly a rough draft that needed WEEKS of edits and rewrites. At no point did this story make me care or sympathise with these spoiled, narcissistic and generally detestable characters. When I have more sympathy for the so-called villains of the story and pray to Unicorn the ‘heroes’ die and have cheap funerals, you know something has gone wrong.

Gameplay.
So while the story is trying to be set in modern times, the gameplay is stuck somewhere around 2011. When I saw the first gameplay reveal, I said to myself: "huh, this kinda looks like Saints Row 3." Now having played the game, I quickly realised: "Wait a second, this IS Saints Row 3!" Even down to the same graphics used on the Xbox 360!

Character customisation (post creation) can now be done via your almighty smartphone; so clothing and even your entire body can be modified with a phone app. This feels incredibly lazy and screams Fallout 76 to me.

Many of the mechanics and upgrade systems from previous games have returned, but the guns feel even weaker than the starting guns from the previous four games. The fact I need to upgrade my 44 magnum to even get magnum ammo is beyond insulting. 44 mags don’t need special upgrades! This is the gun I call “Death’s middle finger” because of how powerful this glorified cannon is. The only upgrade it truly needs is holding a second one in my other hand!

The driving is on onpoint but, as always, I chose to travel chiefly by air since it covers more ground in the least amount of time. You also gain access to a wingsuit mechanic, which is a nice idea, but not a great way to get around the city. When it comes to side activities, minus all the sexual based ones (because we don't want to upset Twitter), they're all copy/pasted from Saints Row 3. Even the brief segment, Boot Hill, is just a reskinned Professor Genki but feels like it's apeing Manhunt. There’s also “EVERY LARPING JOKE EVER” that really outstayed its welcome by the end of the second mission.

Instead of worrying about appeasing Twatter with Pseudo-Diversity, how about giving this game the actual diversity it needed in mission variety? I say that because a lot of the side activities don’t offer anything stand out or unique. In terms of activities introduced in this game, they tend to follow one of these formulas.

1: Drive to place - shoot people - steal vehicle and bring it back to base - shoot people.
2: Drive to place - steal vehicle/object and bring it to base/drop off point.
3: Drive to place - drive back to base while riding on the roof and shooting people.
4: Drive to place - shoot people.

Now in comparison to Saints Row 2.
1: Drive around and spray shit on houses.
2: Zombie minigame.
3: A sex minigame.
4: Streaking.
5: Taxi driver.
6: Being a cop for a reality TV show.
7: Crowd control where you get to murder people in a variety of creative ways.
8: Helicopter assault.
9: Trailblazing.
10: Fireman.
11: Ambulance.

Even the franchise staples like insurance fraud, hitman and mayhem are badly implemented or aren’t as fun as before. In past Saints Row titles, you’d have to perform an activity between five to six times. The reboot however drags this shit out between seven to fourteen times. The longer it goes on, the more tedious and monotonous it becomes. Despite the fact it says do something fourteen times, it’s actually thirteen but the game wastes a slot by having you go back to the location and to hear your contractor thank you.

Rather than taking over the city by force, you have to buy properties and manage their own business ventures. For a game that's all about "ending capitalism" they're really into capitalist business ventures. Revenue comes in at a very slow rate so building these business ventures begins to feel like a grind. Even when you unlock new clothing shops, they only offer you 12 new items that are bland and uninspired. Making this process entirely pointless.

Now onto the thing that might be the deal breaker for all of you.

I was on my way to the final mission, but the game withheld this until I completed some side hustles and built a few businesses first. I know this mechanic existed in the first two Saints Row games, but those titles had many methods on building respect points to unlock more missions. The sudden reintroduction of this mechanic at the very end of the game is both jarring and out of place. So, I do all that (this took hours of tedious side quest bullshit) but sure enough I unlock the final mission. I beat the mission and the credits roll... Or, so I thought.

The game quickly informed me it's holding the actual ending to the game out of reach until I've done even more tedious side content so I can build Saints Tower; a shitty callback to Saints Row 3. But I came this far and I wasn’t prepared to let Volition have the final word on this. I complete the tasks and build all the business ventures. Then the game said I needed to raise $8,000,000 in order to construct this gaudy eyesore. If you’re wondering why that’s a big deal, the other buildings cost $1,600,000 in comparison.

Eddie: It’s a bit steep isn’t it?
Richie: Steep? It’s effing vertical.

So, I get through this unreasonable task and finally build the Saints Tower. What was my final reward for all this hard work and weeks of playing this awful game? The Saints singing a painful rendition of the song ‘Love Shack’ via karaoke. No new guns, gear, or even an unlockable Johnny Gat. I was rewarded with the game essentially doing this www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctr9Zf…

They pulled a Super Mario Sunshine and Batman: Arkham Knight: Forcing you to do extra shit to get nothing good in return. I'm also reminded of that Simpsons episode where Bart is trying to raise money to buy a rare comic book, so he works for a senile old woman who puts him through Hell - All for the privilege of being paid 2 quarters. With that in mind, I'm now going to quote what Bart said as my response to Volition for pulling this shite: "I can leave without screaming and I can leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way I am saying thank you."

Before this shit began, I was on the verge of a begrudging recommendation. I'd of said "wait for it to be a bargain bin release or get it preowned. Just mute all voice lines, skip every cutscene and it's a passable experience" But this conclusion has pushed this into 'Worst Game of the Year' contendership and me saying "I cannot recommend this shitpile out of principle!"

And finally, the bugs. Sweet Jesus, the bugs.
It took a few hours for them to show up, but it was the only time I laughed in this playthrough. Jen goes to the kitchen to "eat her feelings" by reaching her hand through a fridge door and magically pulling a waffle out of it. Then the waffle began to disappear and reappear with a button press while the fridge doors opened by themselves. Later on, Jen's arms spazzed out during a takedown animation as they flailed around like Bruce Lee with nunchucks. Later on, she mimicked her comic self by T-Posing in a moving car. And my personal favourite - she glued herself to the roof of a car, crouched and spun around really fast like the Tasmanian Devil.

Conclusion.
In case it wasn’t clear by now - This is a really bad game. Even when they eventually patch this up or add more DLC down the road, it's a game I cannot recommend due to the sheer boredom and bullshit it offers. It’s very archaic in design and cringey in its overall message. It feels like they jumped onto this woke/progressive agenda eight years too late and hasn’t realised it’s now a universally reviled position to hold (just ask Hollywood).

But you know what? I could've forgiven this entire thing if it wasn’t for the fact Volition was so narcissistic, stubborn, tone deaf and beyond delusional in thinking this cancerous mess is what Saints Row fans truly wanted. You just keep comparing fans to 'terrorists' on your social-media, Volition, it doesn't change the fact your hubris and shitty attitudes killed this franchise!

In fact, this game reminds me of someone in both style and overall attitude. And just like this reboot, they are STUNNINGLY full of shit!

Where does Saints Row go from here? Hopefully no where as this is the Mass Effect Andromeda of 2022. Who wants to start a betting pool they’ll pull a Capcom and come back with Saints Row 5 in a few years from now?

Do not play this game. It is not worth your time in the slightest.