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RensKnight — Forgiveness from a Safe Distance
Published: 2018-08-19 00:07:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 340; Favourites: 19; Downloads: 0
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As a Christian, I believe that forgiveness is an important virtue--that holding on to bitterness will only destroy you inside.
That said...there are some things that forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not the same as approval. It does not mean that the wrong another has done you is any less wrong or hurtful. It does not mean condoning it, or somehow feeling you deserved it or that there was some sort of right purpose in what was done to you.
Forgiveness is also not the same as reconciliation. If someone has proven themselves untrustworthy or abusive, you do NOT have to go back to them or put yourself into any situation with them that has potential to be physically or emotionally abusive. Sometimes the only way that any sort of healing can start is by first looking to your safety and making sure you are a safe distance away.
To forgive is not to allow oneself to be revictimized. It is about breaking the hold that resentment holds upon you--a resentment that forces you to continue reliving the painful moments and causes the abuser to continue to dominate your mind even after they are no longer in your life. That doesn't mean forgetting...but it does mean giving yourself freedom. It is about ensuring that in all of your actions and dealings with others, that you rise to a higher standard in how you treat people around you, than what was done to you--resolving that the cycle of abuse will end with you. It is also about treating everybody you encounter as individuals deserving their own chance, not as echoes of the other person unless they show that they are a danger in their own right. And it is about choosing against seeking revenge.
Unfortunately for some, Christian forgiveness has earned a bad name because of these misconceptions, some of them perpetuated by abusers who use their faith to "justify" their behavior, and some of them perpetuated by those among the clergy who understand the concept as some nebulous theory without any recognition of what their specific interpretations will mean in the real world.
Hopefully this will clarify things a bit, and dispel some of those misunderstandings.
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Comments: 12
Amen to this! I cannot express how true this is. Forgiveness can be the most powerful thing in the world, but it’s also one of the hardest things in the world, and it doesn’t help when people try to push you into unsafe situations (physically or emotionally) in the name of forgiveness.
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Yeah, there is NO expectation of submitting oneself to senseless abuse in the name of forgiveness, IMO.
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I actually want to reach through the screen and hug you for this comment. I'm actually crying. I was raised in a baptist school who told me and my mom we had to stay with my father in spite of his physical, emotional, and sexual abuse to me as a kid. I'd show up to school covered in marks and bruises and sore and always having to miss school to go to the hospital because of some kind of infection or problem. It really haunts me now that my school knew this was going on and still encouraged my father's behavior. I remember having to sit with the principal and listen to her telling me that as the oldest child it's my job to keep my parents/family together for god. And she said it doesn't matter what he does because he was the head of the household. They encouraged me as a kid to hide what happened to me from the police and cps. Honestly I grew up to be afraid of religion-and people in general. I was starting to be worried that most christians feel that way about abuse 
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Sounds like religious hypocrisy which is the reason others become Atheist or resent being Catholics because of pure ignorance and hypocrisy that says one thing but encourages bad behavior.
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It's unfortunate because the people that act this way give the rest of us Christians a bad name.
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Just like those sick minded pedophile priests over in Pennsylvania who corrupted themselves and tried to cover it, turning their back on God and giving real true Catholics a bad name. It's no wonder people decide to be Atheist because of them.
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I have found two types of Christians who say stupid things like that about going back into abusive situations as part of forgiveness. The first is a very naive sort, who just lacks an understanding of the severity of abusive situations and may also want to believe too much in the goodness of human nature and the possibility of the abuser coming around. Not denying that some abusers DO end up repenting of what they have done. BUT, I personally think if someone has TRULY come to understand the damage they have done, then they also understand why they cannot compel or coerce the trust of someone they have hurt in the past, and will NOT try to force or guilt someone into returning or reconciling. In my experience it is possible for the naive sort of Christian to get a wake-up call and grow into a more mature understanding, since they are ignorant rather than malicious. (Kind of like that saying that "you can fix ignorant, but you can't fix stupid.")
(BTW I would note here, with the comment about naivete, that in being a Kylo Ren fan, I do so knowing the difference between reality and fiction. Which is what led me to create another stamp you faved today.)
The second is a fundamentalist. And that sounds like that awful principal you wrote about. Those are the sort that are dogmatic and NOT open to learning and changing as the naive person may be, and can be dangerous, sometimes outright malicious. I've dealt with fundamentalists too, though thank God, in much less severe circumstances. In my case it was more a matter of public shaming/embarrassment over doctrinal disagreements. Which is a bad thing to do to a kid, especially when it's an adult, but it's still nowhere near the same level as what you went through.
But I think there are many, many Christians out there who are sensible and compassionate, and have a good head on their shoulders. It is possible to break the hold of obsession and anger at the other person, without doing something unsafe or justifying their behavior. At least, that's what I try to do, though like anybody I can't say I'm anywhere near perfect at it.
Sorry for the long ramble...I have a tendency to go on a lot online. I really appreciate your feedback and I am glad this could have positive meaning for you.
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No don't be sorry! It made me happy. And I was the one who overstepped in the first place, talking Bout my trauma was honestly uncalled for.
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You’re totally fine!!! IMO an “overstep” would be name-calling and accusations against random people you’re just meeting. Not simply telling about your experiences. There is nothing at all wrong with that, since you treated me as my own person.
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Thank you..I like you, may I watch you?
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