Tevo77777 [2017-12-16 17:42:48 +0000 UTC]

>>If this was converted to PDF and uploaded, then you could set it to a font size where the first page might be close to 200 word or something like that.

The robot scanned the surrounding crowd with his eyes and snagged a glance at every shocked face. The woman who had been fond of his mystery was now cowering against one of the tables. The drunkard at the counter stared with a round gaze that was once drowsy moments before the fight. The tall man with the tattered hat was stiff with shock and the rugged man playing cards at the nearest table looked the robot up and down with windows of astonishment. Yep, the machine thought with a grim frame of mind, same faces every time. Exactly the same. That was his cue to leave before things got too out-of-hand--if they hadn‘t already.

>> I think "out of hand" is more fitting, followed by a comma or semi-colon. First is purely opinion, second one is solid fact.

He bent and grabbed his hat off the floor and brushed it off in a smooth, mechanical motion and stepped up to the counter where the ruda was still waiting for him. He grabbed it between his friction-coated fingertips, brought the glass to his face plating and tipped his head back, instantly absorbing the glowing liquid through the kremecon metal on his face. He put his hat back onto his head as he was immediately recharged and placed the glass back onto the counter. But before he could walk out, Zach shakily stood to his feet, his face already swelling black and blue, and pointed at the robot.

“You!” he growled as a trickle of blood dripped down the gash on his chin. He held his slightly dislocated jaw and continued, “Machine! You‘re a soulless machine! You have to do what I tell ya!”

>>Perhaps you would put the dialogue in separate paras?

The robot narrowed his eyes at the human and replied with a tone of warning, “Sir, I think you’ve had enough. And as you can see, I’m the kind who takes orders from no one.”

Zach took a small step forward and said, “Well here’s an order I don’t think you can refuse. In the street. For a draw.”

The machine blinked and said, “You don’t want that.”

>>So far, no errors detected here.

Zach was holding onto his dignity through the strong fingers of his ego. He smiled and worked the words around his bloodied tongue, “The only thing I want is your empty shell in the scrap yard. If you act like a man, then you die like a man.” His hand went to his holster and let it straddle the bud of the weapon. “A draw. Right here in town. Right now.”

The robot couldn’t help the usual disquiet feeling chill the exterior of his power cell. This human was asking for more than he could handle--and only because of the irregular self-worth that often crowded the kind judgment of a good man. But, as a human, he had the freedom to make his choices. “A draw? Right now?”

>>"help the usual disquiet feeling chill the exterior of his power cell." This sounds off to me and I don't know why. I don't know if the -- is proper.

Zach stabbed the robot with a resentful glare and spat, “Right now, rust bucket.”

Okay. All anyone heard was the brief sound of a ruda pistol charge and then there was the flash of a concentrated bullet of light zip across the space between Zach and the machine. A second passed, and then Zach dropped to the floor like a rag doll. Dead.

>>Ruda is energy, I understand this now.

"the flash of a concentrated bullet of light zip across the space between Zach and the machine." I feel there needs to be a coma after light, or zip should be zipping.

With the fall of Zach’s body came a gasp from the woman, only followed by silence in the large room. The robot holstered his gun and stood for a moment as he became acquainted with his mechanical emotion of numbness. It was challenges like this that drew the line between being a murderer and a hero. By the shocked expressions on the faces of everyone in the saloon, the machine knew he was not receiving their gratitude. He then bent to pick up his sack and froze at the sound of a rifle cocking.

He straightened with his bag on his shoulder and looked to his right to see the middle-aged man in the faded vest with a shotgun aimed at his head. “Get out.” The man said with a tension-filled voice. The robot blinked and gave an electric sigh. Every town, he thought and nodded. He walked out of the saloon, tipping his hat to the wide-eyed woman as he passed her by.

>>Does the shotgun have a rifled barrel? Does he confuse the two sounds?

• What you liked and what was done well.

>>The descriptions are fairly strong and actually manage to paint the scene better than other works I've seen. Dialogue is solid, characters aren't too flat.

• What you didn't like.

>>I feel like I've seen this exact thing three times and I've never actually seen it. Westerns and Robots being downtrodden are well... played out at this point, both of them.

• How it could be improved.

Double down on the grittiness, describe colors, drop hints why he is so numb or tired, describe the weapons more, tell me if the floor is dusty or what the counter is like.

• Your impression of the main character.

I've seen this guy around ten or more times in my lifetime and I don't think he was ever interesting unless he was really drunk or Wolverine or both.

Emotional coldness is something I see all the time and it's not relatable unless it's really harsh or done well. It's tricky to pull off.

• Your expectation / prediction of what will happen next; what do you think you're in for if you turn the page?

This is an intro, I would assume he is chased out of town or time skips and he is in another.

Unless he gets ambushed or runs into someone in the middle of nowhere.

• Whether you'll turn the page.

No. I've seen this before. Just not interested. I understand why you want this to be good and want it to improve, but you need to work on your vision more.

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JuanMilagro [2014-01-28 02:31:10 +0000 UTC]

I do believe that you have a winner here. However, it is plagued by errors in punctuation and grammar. Would you like for me to do a full blown critique? I can do it in a way where only you can read it.

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Senane-2 [2014-01-25 20:37:12 +0000 UTC]

This'd make a awesome series!

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Myrethy [2014-01-15 19:21:04 +0000 UTC]

The title was what actually grabbed my attention, it sounds like one of those old Western flicks that once captivated me so much... I actually thought of Hidalgo when I saw the title, oddly enough. And then I clicked the thumbnail and read the word robot. You have a very interested reader in me right now, because if it includes robots, I will gie it a chance until it disappoints me, and this does not disappoint me!

As your other commenter pointed out, there isn't much of a general storyline, but I like the way you've set up the world and the situations. I like the little details you put in, especially regarding your main character. You get a sense of prejudice and tension, and even though it's fairly obvious that they don't like robots, I want to see where you go with it. I want to see why they're scared of him.

And if I'm going to be honest... robot cowboy. If my love of Firefly says anything, I'm going to stick around and see where this story goes. I like it and I wish you luck in completing it and getting it out to the world!

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my-sword-is-bigger [2014-01-15 06:44:49 +0000 UTC]

That first sentence was a rather good one!

It sets the first 'story question' to get readers wondering what trouble there is now. And trouble from the first sentence is always a good sign. By the end of the paragraph I was actively grinning; this robot is an amusing character. Not in the "laugh at" sort of way, but the "laugh with". Throughout the passage I can happily say you [or he] didn't disappoint. I found his manner very likeable.

The only negative thing I have to say is that this scene does not set up a story or a problem, it's simply a bit of amusing action. Some people they might be put off by the lack of a story direction. Still, this is definitely a page-turner for me - because I like the character, if nothing else. Main characters are very important that way.

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