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Rogue-Ranger In reply to Absolhunter251 [2019-02-10 07:43:22 +0000 UTC]

The description is from my own experiences and obviously everyone is different. I mean, I'm probably a bit stubborn, so I'm more adamently about not being labeled a victim and giving those who abused me so much power over my feelings even now that they're gone.

Being afraid to trust again is perfectly natural. Abused dogs will cower away even when they're not going to be hit, just because it's affected them so deeply. It takes time for anyone to open up again after that.

It's a risk, yes, and you have every reason to be apprehensive and feel you could be hurt again. It made an impact in your life. You'd have to have no feelings to be totally unaffected. But there are people out there that you can trust and who will treat you with kindness.

One thing that I found helped is seeing people as innately imperfect. We all make mistakes, get angry, even hurt others when we don't mean to. So, naturally there are some of us who make more mistakes or are more angry or more resentful toward others. Maybe those who bullied you were bullied themselves or abused by their parents since early childhood. Often people act out because they don't know how to deal with their feelings. We don't really know everyone's background story.

And if you've ever loved someone who frustrates or angered you, be it a human or another species, you know that love you have for them makes you forgive what they did. Love heals. The same is true for loving yourself.

Seeing things this way made me see that my fears were warranted, that I will be hurt, but that relationships are worth taking risks because I actually didn't truly overcome my past myself. No, I did it with the help of others because I felt loved. I felt like I mattered and things would be okay because I never was broken. After all, we're always changing. I was simply casting off old parts and gradually finding who I was underneath.

It's okay to feel and to express it. You don't hold it inside to move on, but let it go. I'm not staying it's easy, but a whole lot of it is just in how you see the past and your feelings. And, more likely than not, someone else near you also feels similar fears and apprehension because of their own past, so you could help others while helping yourself. In fact, I've found encouraging others actually helped me move on from my own problems a lot.

Again, everyone's different and this is just my own experience, but you had the courage to express your past and true feelings and that means you want to overcome this. That desire and then of course time is really most of the battle right there.

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Absolhunter251 In reply to Rogue-Ranger [2019-02-10 14:17:43 +0000 UTC]

I agree.
but I just feel though I not allowed to explain or express myself to people. Because they get irritated, uneasy and or upset with me.
i know it’s not healthy to be silent. But I’ve done it since high school, I do it so that way people can just go on with their own lives, online as well and I suffer from the inside and put on a fake smile. Saying I’m okay, when really. I’m just a hurt person to the core, blaming myself for who I am. I don’t want to push my online friends or even partner away. But I do it to protect them from me, because I’m accused as a bad wolf, that isn’t satisfied with anything, or I’m a boring person that someone else can replace...
Or people see me as a cold person. Even my own family doesn’t trust me...
i just feel though if I fade away....things will be better off without me. Even though I’m kind, loving, and caring, before, maybe now. But I. I just have this tension to just not let myself get hurt by anyone, even my friends or partner. They all seen my care and love, but I don’t deserve them, or they say I do.

But, I’m just a cold monster, from what everyone sees me as. 
I just can’t bring myself to care about myself because that’s how far emotionally abused I’ve been. 
I cant be myself, because people are envious of it.
this creature, NS. That made itself...it was dead before, and then came back and now I’ve been trying to accept myself now. But it’s more broken than ever. 

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Rogue-Ranger In reply to Absolhunter251 [2019-02-13 04:29:28 +0000 UTC]

I know what it's like to fake a smile to protect others, but really a lot of it is just fear of how they'll react, not knowledge of how they'll react. Everyone is different, so each person will react differently and there will always be some reactions that surprise you because you didn't anticipate them.

Does this mean that you haven't told your partner or friends about what you've told me? Or does it mean they just didn't react well? If sounds like your saying you haven't told any of them everything, but maybe I'm misunderstanding.

You obviously know this all intellectually, so it's just a matter of figuring out what feelings are stopping you and how to overcome those feelings. After all, you know that holding things inside and faking being okay is pushing others away and you want to change, so it's just an emotional obstacle.

One thing that people don't always understand is how humans connect emotionally. We naturally mirror the feelings of others without knowing, even if we don't express them. So when you feel bad about yourself you're still projecting that outwardly even if you're not trying to and others pick up on it, even if it's subconscious. So they may feel whatever you feel while they're around you and not even necessarily know why they're feeling it or where it's coming from.

That's why when you do confess your feelings to others, often they'll say how they somehow knew something was wrong but couldn't quite figure out what. Maybe it was subconscious or maybe they didn't want to pry because they respect your privacy. Whatever the case, they know on an emotional level and deserve to know on an intellectual level too. You're not entirely preventing the emotional hurt, just the intellectual knowledge of why they feel it.

Obviously I can't make you do what you don't want to do, but I feel you should at least tell your partner and your closest friends what's bothering you and try to be as specific as possible. The beauty with the internet is that you can take your time writing out a reply and editing it until it's good enough rather than just saying things verbally.

I've found that fear of losing someone actually pushes them away more than being honest about something you were afraid would push them away because again you're projecting fear and closing yourself off. At least when you admit to all of your insecurities, you're being open. That openness is actually less of a push than being closed, as being closed says "leave me alone, I'm fine" whereas being open says "help me." It's obvious which draws people in.

I'm not much of a risk taker myself, but I've found playing it safe by keeping all this in will hurt both you and those you're around, but letting it out, even just in writing, is therapeutic. There's a sense of release. And not everyone will get annoyed or get angry or otherwise have a bad reaction. Some will try their best to help. I know because I've met plenty of empathic people who care.

Our perception of ourself and of others is seen through a prism of our own feelings and background. We're all biased.

For example, you may see yourself one way and someone else sees you another way, or you may see them one way and they see themselves another way. It's like how when you learn a new word, suddenly you start noticing it everywhere. It was always there. It's only your perception that has changed.

In the end, we're always changing all the time. Parts of our old self break away as we learn more about what we like, what we're comfortable with, and our own strengths and weaknesses. So, will people's view of you change? Maybe. But so may your view of them as they change. Maybe you'll figure out you have more in common with someone than you thought before. You never know.

There's only one way to find out how your perception of yourself and others pans out and that's to open up. It's scary, yes, but it's also freeing. And when you realize that someone still cares about you when you're open about your insecurities and all your secrets, it makes that feeling so much stronger.

You may feel a strong connection to your partner and friends now, but once you feel what it's like when all the obstacles and secrets are removed, you'll feel so much closer and it's truly an indescribable feeling. I mean, literally, I don't know how to describe it other than like a sense of home but with people.

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Absolhunter251 In reply to Rogue-Ranger [2019-02-13 16:08:03 +0000 UTC]

That’s true...but, you can’t be so open. Because, people can use it against you. Or from what I experienced...

ive told them just a tiny bit, but they still don’t understand me. Because my ways of explaining, gets them upset or uneasy. From what I’ve seen, mostly angry. I can’t explain myself clearly, because my wording is like confusing or it gets them super mad, even verbally. So I tend to just be quiet...and I seem to explain myself better through my characters I create than my actual self if it makes any sense. 
As for the emotionally part. I still don’t know if they even feel it. I mean, when I want help, I also don’t want it at the same time, because I’m just afraid of how they feel or react. Because out of fear, I’m judged for it. I’m told I don’t listen, it just depends on how I ingest it.
since I’m a hyper sensitive girl with high anxiety. It’s more difficult.

i know I tend to push myself away from them, but I do it to protect myself from their words or even feelings. Because I’m stuck in a paranoia like mode, I have to avoid to suffer for a good few minutes to calm down. But at the same time, I feel bad about it, because I want company and then not at the same time. I just don’t know how or what to start or do. Because I’m just so burnt by people, I can’t trust so easily. It depends if I have a connection that I can relate.

but, you seem like to know what obstacles are there and I thank you for taking the time to explain things that to where it doesn’t sound like an insult. I greatly appreciate your time or words of encouragement.

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Rogue-Ranger In reply to Absolhunter251 [2019-02-27 03:46:30 +0000 UTC]

I feel those you care about deserve to know everything about you, but if you're finding it hard to articulate it to them outside writing through your characters, maybe think about why that is. What about writing through your characters makes it easier? Is it that you don't have the fear holding you back so you can be yourself more?

I understand you've been burnt by others and have every reason to be hesitant, but I also understand you want to be open with others too, so maybe give it time and be patient with yourself. You may just need to find the right words and may discover them through your characters.

You're welcome and I'm sorry for the delay in replying, but I haven't been feeling well and I tend to take time to myself offline when I feel bad physically or emotionally. Just like you, I need time to myself and both want to be alone and not. We care about others and what impact we have on them and what they think of us and caring isn't a curse. It just feels like it sometimes.

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Absolhunter251 In reply to Rogue-Ranger [2019-02-27 04:04:52 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, that they do. Well, with my characters, some people tend to see a better picture of how much pain I’m actually in or my characters explain the situation. If anything, I see my characters as a alternative version of myself, being fearless, strong, and caring, not afraid of everyone. If it makes any sense to you.

yes, exactly that. I try to think before I say something. But by the time it’s out, I get lashed by people, just by the way i explain things. With that, I feel like shutting down and be away from people’s opinions. Even if I want to help, but people easily get hurt or mad by my words. Sooo...I feel like, I got to keep quiet and try to fade away, but everyone I’ve met. They don’t want to see me sad or fade away because I’ve made such an impact on them.

its okay my friend. I understand it completely. I’m just glad to know we are having this conversation. You really are a great person, I feel like less alone now meeting with you.
yeah, I feel like it’s a curse to care. But is it just a normal feeling to feel that way, when we’ve been abused emotionally? 

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Rogue-Ranger In reply to Absolhunter251 [2019-03-04 00:47:56 +0000 UTC]

I actually made a character based on myself quite a while ago, but of course he was brave and had super powers. The thing is that I felt legitimately hurt when the character was hurt by events in the story, so the connection to a fictional character can go both ways. Or at least it did for me.

So I think that, if someone can draw on hurt from a fictional character, then that means that it's possible to draw on the strength of your characters. They can help you write things out and become more confident.

In fact, maybe role-playing would help. Maybe write things out like as a fictional conversation between yourself and someone you want to talk to, where you make up back and forth responses for the other person and you. It could help to see how things play out without any of the risks of a real life conversation. You could even become more confident that way, as that did help me. If nothing else, it made me feel less frustrated because I wasn't holding it in.

I still just think it feels like a curse to care, but not that it actually is a curse. After all, what kind of a world would it be where no one cared? There wouldn't be hurt, but there wouldn't be love and I'd never want to stop loving anyone.

You can't care without being hurt, so they go hand in hand, but really it's not the hurt that defines a person, but how they react to it that defines them, as you don't control being hurt, only your response that you have control over.

Your friends obviously care. They don't want to see you sad or fade away and you've impacted them positively. You also care about them too and so don't want to hurt or upset them. But I think that once you have one or two positive reactions it'll get easier to talk to them about this kind of stuff, as you'll be more confident and that will allow you to articulate it more how your characters do. By the time you've told a bunch of people, it'll be second nature and it won't bother you as much, as you'll feel more prepared.

Thank you very much for your kind words and understanding. It's interesting how we just met and yet it seems like you feel comfortable telling me things you don't feel as comfortable telling your friends. Is that true? And, if it is, why do you think that is? Maybe there's less pressure of judgment or you feel others can't relate?

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Absolhunter251 In reply to Rogue-Ranger [2019-03-04 16:15:46 +0000 UTC]

Oh that’s so cool! My oc is a guardian created creature I made myself. 
I like to roleplay myself with my OC’s.
heck, when I roleplay with myself and my oc, the conversation can be soothing, because your oc understands you and won’t judge you as much, but point out something and it doesn’t sound mean.
maybe I should rp often, because it does help me a bit, and my friends tend to understand me a bit more that way when they see my OC’s and I.

That’s true...but is caring too much kinda bad too. Because, I think it does to a degree. But I don’t know, I’m easily judged by how I word my words or even talk and people get mad at me, even my friends. 

And yes, that is true! I do want to be prepared for second nature of being confident like my OC’s, because my OC’s don’t get phased or hurt by mean things and they can stand up for themselves.

if it makes any sense. I noticed over the years I’ve developed something called: Anthropophobia. In other words: fear of people. 
And how they are, what they say or do. It defines me sometimes, or I just believe it and see myself as a bad person or a bad influence.
with my OC’s...they don’t have a fear of people, and they are more stronger in areas I’m not, but they do have weaknesses. That is feeling abandonment, or anxiety. Much like me...failing at everything no matter how much I try to not fail. 
But having Anthropophobia, it’s not easy for me, it makes me afraid of really reaching out.

you are welcome! And yeah, I think the reason why I’m open with you, because maybe I have that sense that someone has been abused like me and maybe I can find a new way to self heal myself from that. And well, you didn’t judge me at first glance and it’s like...you understand the pain, the fall, the never ending struggles that we went and came through either victorious or a survivor. To add to that, you look to understand my story I told and you were kind about it. Not upfront confronting and pushing me to the side, and just responded with judgement to think I’m only gaining it for pity or self loathing.

but, you weren’t judgmental to my life story. You actually took the time and patience to actually be nice enough to respond with something, that I rarely find outside my family. And that’s explaining in a way I can feel comfortable. It’s hard to explain what it actually is
But anyway, you related to it and shared your opinion to help. It’s something I Highly hold with greater respect and I feel like I’m not alone and I’m allowed to express and you wanted to comfort me in finding something.
i may not know why I commented.

I don’t know what made me want to tell you, but something just felt like I had to tell. Because who knows, maybe others will see my comment or yours and they feel like they aren’t alone. If it makes sense.

its something that my friends or even partner cant seem to relate with. It’s something I gotta work on, gaining trust.

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Rogue-Ranger In reply to Absolhunter251 [2019-03-26 03:01:04 +0000 UTC]

I definitely agree that you should keep role-playing conversations, especially since you can have characters react in anger or hostility but it not phase you/your OC. You can play out all the different kinds of reactions you've seen people have and work on better ways to respond to each possible reaction someone else may have.

Think about it: If people react better to and understand you better when you're role-playing, that means it's not actually what you're saying but how you're saying it. The basic content of your life and feelings is the same. What changes is how you present it. So, by paying close attention to exactly how you articulate things when RPing, you can improve how you articulate things when you're not RPing and just talking to friends.

Maybe it's that you present your story in a more confident way or just explain it better. You'll have to pay attention and see what exactly is different. Read over conversations you've had with people and then compare them to conversations with your OCs. Note the differences and focus on what works.

Also, one thing that helped me a lot was helping others by making inspiring art, writing, etc and then giving advice. I understood what it was like to be bullied, insecure, etc, and so I tried to use that to encourage and inspire others by drawing or writing or just making various things. For a while, I also gave advice to people who were dealing with bullying and other personal issues by commenting in an advice group. It was all online and anonymous, so it wasn't as scary as talking to people in person, which tended to be much harder.

I found that helping others, even if it was just some really minor issue or just basic encouragement, helped me feel more confident as well as more comfortable talking to others. At first, the advice page started out as a group thing, but over time it mostly became me giving advice and just a few random visitors chiming in and so I had to push myself and take more breaks from it.

When you encourage others, it feels like what you went through and what you feel isn't a waste, but like you're using it for something positive. It's hard at first, which is why I recommend just inspiring or encouraging art or stories, but I think you'll find it opens you up. Plus, you care about others and it's one way to make that caring so much not be a bad thing but have a positive effect on others by encouraging them through their own struggles.

The thing about people is that they can seem so overwhelming, but when you start to break things down and see that everyone struggles with something and everyone needs encouragement now and then, it gradually becomes less overwhelming. It's kind of like how it's easier to talk one-on-one than in a group, even if you know everyone in the group and could talk to every single one separately without a problem. Anything that personalizes the way you perceive others helps.

Now, if you have a fear of people, pay attention to the personality quirks that animals have, whether it's real animals or fictional ones. It's like how I'll see something I noticed about one of my cats or a character from Animal Crossing in a human I come across and it makes them a little more understandable. Likewise, if you're more comfortable with non-humans, find the similarities and points of reference between other species (real or fictional) and people. After all, a lot of times it seems like we're all really people, just in different species forms. We all have feelings like joy, jealousy, anticipation, sadness, etc, regardless of species.

I'm not saying any of this is easy. It took me years and years. And maybe what works for me won't work the same way for you, but if you want to trust others and become more confident, then I believe you can find a way to do that. Roleplay to learn how to best articulate what you feel and what you've been through, and encourage others who feel like you or who have had similar experiences.

Don't rush anything and don't feel like you have to become some people person. I mean, I still need to take breaks just from internet communication and get anxiety talking to people in person, and yet I feel like I've come a long way and so I accept my limitations. I'm not going to become an extrovert and that's okay. Extroverts see people from a disconnected view and so others are less scary or overwhelming to them, but introverts actually feel the connections and presence and so it's harder to deal with.

Everyone thinks differently and so not everyone will get you, but there are struggles and insecurities that everyone has and there are ways to help others empathize with what you've been through. A big obstacle is if they've overcome issues in their life easily that they think you should overcome things in your life easily too, when of course they went through different things and are a different person.

So, it's about putting them in your shoes and in the shoes of others. If they started to see things that way when you were RPing, that means you can do this. It's just a matter of finding what has worked and build off of that. Also, making things to encourage others helps remind people of their own struggles and opens them up to caring for others while also inspiring them, meaning they'll be more open to listen to and try to understand your struggles.

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Rogue-Ranger In reply to schizocatgirl264 [2017-03-02 07:01:59 +0000 UTC]

While obviously I can't relate to exactly what you're going through, I personally found strength in forgiving and moving on and in not letting the pain define me as a victim. Instead, I chose to define myself. I believe that is something you can do too. They thought you were helpless, but you've already surprised them and undoubtedly will continue to define yourself.

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