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Description
Feelings… Chapter 1
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate this.

This feeling is… so stupid.

It started the other day, just a normal day like any other: Mikey made breakfast, Donnie blathered on and on about some stuff, Sensei made us spar and Leo was being his usual lame self.

But then later we heard about some Kraang making their move near down-town. Everything was supposed to go according to plan: Show up, bash some bots and be home in time for dinner. But then she showed up…

I don’t think the others noticed her but Karai was there the whole time, watching us from one of the rooftops… Studying our moves so next time she’d have the advantage.

And what does Leonardo do? He starts showing off! Starts throwing out all these fancy kicks and flips and saying all these cheesy lines like “I’ll save you Raph” trying to sound all heroic. He KNEW Karai was there and he decides to try and IMPRESS her!?

…give me a break.

If I were the leader of this team I wouldn’t be trying to flirt with the bad guy’s daughter! But Leo doesn’t get it. He even tried to hide it; saying he was just showing her how ‘formidable’ we are. We fought a bit about it, in the end I couldn’t get through to him.

That’s when this feeling started…

It’s so hard to try to explain it, but every time I see Leo’s face all I see is him and Karai, and that stupid smug grin of her’s.

It makes my blood boil.
I just get so angry, angrier than I’ve ever remembered being: my hands shake and my throat goes dry and I feel like someone’s reached right through my plastron and is crushing my heart with their bare hand.

I hate this feeling…

It’s Leo’s fault for being so stupid!
And it’s Karai’s fault for trying to take Leo from us!
And… and… there’s nothing I can do about it…

This past week the feeling’s only gotten worse. Even when we’re training together with Sensei watching us closely, I still feel this uncontrollable desire to smash Leo’s face in for being so stupid.

I want to grind him into the ground. I want to break every bone in his body. I want to… do something so he won’t leave… but… I know the day will come when he will… and no wound I can inflict can stop that day from coming.
And just knowing that makes the feeling worse.

I tried going to Master Splinter for some advice. He was meditating in the dojo when I went to see him. I sat next to him and waited till he was done.
I bet he sensed that I was there the whole time cuz every time I’d breathe or make the smallest move his ear would twitch. Finally his tired eyes opened.

“Raphael? Is something the matter?” He asked in that usual tone, as if he hadn’t noticed how out of sorts I’ve been all week.
“Hai Sensei.” I sighed, looking down, almost in defeat.
“I see,” he paused, knowing I wouldn’t have come to see him if it wasn’t serious. “Then please, share what has been bothering you.” He encouraged.
“Sensei, ever since Karai came into the picture Leo’s been acting like he wants to… like he want her to… join us or….” I had trouble finding the right words “… he wants to go with her? I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” Master Splinter stroked the hairs on his chin, deep in thought. After a few moments he responded. “And how does that make you feel?”

His question struck a nerve. I wanted to pour my heart out about how angry and frustrated it makes me, about how I hated it, how I hated Leo and Karai… EVERYTHING! But then I’d get the whole ‘anger is self-destructive’ speech again…

“I don’t like it.” I replied.
“Hmm, I think I know the feeling you have my son.” He rested his hands on his knees and began to reminisce. “It was those same feelings that drove The Shredder to do what he did. Years ago he was in the same situation as you. He would see Tang-Shen with me and when ever he saw my face, or hers, his heart would surly ach with longing and hatred.”
As usual, Master Splinter’s lesson involves The Shredder, but this time I listened closely. This time I could relate.

Mater Splinter continued: “The feeling of jealousy that burned inside him was what ultimately caused him to take Tang-Shen from me… Thinking that, if he couldn’t have her, no one could… He will have to live with her blood on his hands, for the rest of his life...” Splinter’s voice was beginning to break as his sadness started to show.

“Um... Sensei?” I tried to reassure him.

He gave me a weary smile. “I know what you are feeling my son; Jealousy.” Master stood up, “and if you do not find a way to calm the fire burning under your heart, you too will live a life of regret.” He turned and headed for his room.

As the door to his room closed behind him, the dojo filled with an eerie silence.

I’m jealous? Of Leo?!
My head hurt at the thought.
Does that mean I wish I could leave with Karai? Do I want her to take me away? Do I…?
My visit to Master Splinter only raised more questions. I spent the whole night awake, rethinking everything…

The next day I asked Leo to spar with me. Not that he was my first choice, but Donnie and Mikey were busy in the garage and Splinter was out with April for training.
Our fight began with the usual tough words and mocking before we fought, but once we started, neither of us held back. After a few minutes I couldn’t help but bring up Karai. Leo paused.

“What?” He asked.
“Do you want to leave with her?” I asked bluntly
“Raph, I told you, I’m so over Karai.” …Liar.
“Just answer the question.”
“Haha, I see, you’re just staling our fight because-”
“ANSWER ME!”

Leo became quite, only slightly shocked by my outburst, then he looked at me, his gaze became steely and his voice was so cold.

“Sometimes…” he replied “I think about it sometimes…” he said looking up at the sewer roof of our makeshift dojo. “I think about what it would be like to leave here… to be free…” his tone was dead serious as he looked off far into space.

“Well you can’t!” I exploded. “You can’t leave! You can’t go with HER or ANYONE! You have to stay here!” words were just flowing out. It felt as if the grip around my heart had made the paining organ burst and all my feelings were escaping me. “You have to stay with us! Your family! You have no right to leave!”

“Why not?!” He barked. “Why do I have to stay?! For a master who has lost his honor and humanity? For brothers who see me as a joke?! Why do I have to stay when my skills could be used better out there?” Leo’s arms reach up “Out there… a real master, a real team to lead, a real cause to fight for…”

The look in Leo’s eyes… it was as if all the light was leaving him as his dream to be free from this life flew away… His arms fell. His head hung.

“Don’t you want to leave too, Raphael?”
My hands lost control. Before my mouth could even speak further my fist had formed and lashed out to strike my brother’s jaw. The impact sent our so-called leader flying, smashing him into the wall. Staggered, he tried to regain his balance, but it was too late…

My anger had boiled into a rampage of blows that struck the crippled ninja, his arms tried to guard against my feral assault, but each strike only proved how useless all this training was… he was powerless. I remember screaming, yelling out words while in my bling rage that were so foul I can’t even remember them all.

My only thought as I was beating him was: “Crush him. Crush him. Crush him so he can’t leave.”

“What are you doing!?” Mikey’s voice echoed from somewhere.
“Bro! BRO! RAPH STOP IT!” Donnie too?
“…oh… god….” April.
“Enough!” Master Splinter’s voice rang in my head as a strike from his cane knocked me to the ground.

My vision blurred, all I could see was a form of green and blue and red twitching before me. I got up and was met by the horrified stares of my brothers and April. Splinter’s claw dug into my neck and my whole body became numb as he subdued me with his grip.

“Raphael! Do you have any idea what you have done!?” Sensei’s voice was burning me.
“…n-no…. sensei…” I managed to whisper.
Mikey and Donnie tried to help Leo up, his heavy breathing was the only sound that filled the dojo.
“Raphael! You have turned your anger into fury and harmed your brother! You’ve become no better than The Shredder! Have I taught you nothing?!” Splinter continued scolding.
Leo coughed, blood dripping from his mouth, “…master…” he groaned “…It’s alright, I’m fine.”

Leo sat upright, then with Donnie’s help, stood up before me; bruised, battered… but not broken… not crushed.

I can’t do anything… I can’t make him stay… I can’t…

I broke free from Sensei’s grip and ran. Running from them all. Running to where I can be alone. Leaving their voices behind. The only place I can go now is my room. I stayed there. The door locked. I couldn’t let them see my crying.

This horrible day came to an end when the sound of knocking stirred me from my bed. No matter how many times I told them to leave, the knocking continued.
I wiped the tears from my face before getting up. It was probably Splinter, here to punish me for what I’ve done.

My heart pounded in my throat as I opened the door, but sank into my feet when it was Leo who was standing on the other side.

“Can I come in?” He asked bluntly.
I couldn’t speak, my mouth was dry, all I could manage was to step aside and gesture for him to come in.

He went to my bed and as I closed the door he sat down, looking at me with this serious look on his bruised face. I swallowed heavily.

“Well?” I asked, sounding as if he owed me an apology.
“Well what?” he asked.
“What do you want?” I could think of all the times I’ve had to say sorry for fighting or playing to rough, but I’ve never gone this far. There was a pause before he replied.
“You can keep going now…” he said straightly.
“W-what?” I stuttered. He turned to me.
“Keep beating me until you’re done, get all your anger out now so this won’t happen again.”

I went to stand in front of him, looking down at him as he sat there.
“What… are you saying Leo?” I asked in disbelief.
“Sensei told me about all this anger you have towards me. If we want to be a team, you can’t be angry; you have to work out all that anger. You have to hit me.”
“N-no I… don’t want to hurt you…” I muttered
“Why not!? You had no trouble hurting me earlier!” He shouted angrily.

My hands shook. This can’t be happening… I don’t want this…
Leo closed his eyes, tilting his head back a bit.
“Just hit me. Just… get it over with.”
Looking at his face now… that feeling seemed miles away… I don’t see Karai, I don’t feel angry or filled with hate. I don’t feel like crushing him, I don’t want to…
But… I balled my fist.

My heart raced. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of anything else to do: if I keep saying I don’t want to hit him, he’ll feel I’m still holding in my hatred for him, and if I do beat him, he’ll think I hate him for sure… I have no idea what to do…
As I raised my fist, I closed my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t have to watch what I was about to do.

But as I did… I heard Splinter’s words echo in my head:
“if you do not find a way to calm the fire burning under your heart, you too will live a life of regret.”

Leo sat there, waiting for harm. Harm that would make him hate me, pain that would only push him further away from us, a wound that wouldn’t make him stay…

In that moment, a thought entered my mind 'There’s one thing I could do… it won’t make him stay… but it won’t hurt him. I have to show him, I don’t hate him.'

I kneeled down, watching his face brace for impact while I lowered myself to his level, then took a deep breath. I hesitated, but just as I was having second thoughts, a few words form Leo gave me the push I needed.

“Go ahead Raph, I don’t mind… You’re my brother and I love you.”

I grabbed his face with both my hands and before he could properly react to what was happening he was already caught in a deep kiss with me.

His breath blew fast past my face and I could feel him hesitating to struggle a midst his
confusion, I shut my eyes tightly, thinking… no, hoping… he understands:

‘I don’t hate you. I don’t hate everything. I want you to stay with us. I need you.’

The kiss felt so long. Every detail of it was so clear. I could feel his body tremble, his lips pressed so tightly against mine, the sound of his heart pounding… it all filled me with an unearthly calm... and at the same time, this ecstatic joy raced through my whole being.

This feeling… I didn’t want it to end…

…but it had to...

~Part 1: End~

Description
Feelings… Chapter 1
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate this.

This feeling is… so stupid.

It started the other day, just a normal day like any other: Mikey made breakfast, Donnie blathered on and on about some stuff, Sensei made us spar and Leo was being his usual lame self.

But then later we heard about some Kraang making their move near down-town. Everything was supposed to go according to plan: Show up, bash some bots and be home in time for dinner. But then she showed up…

I don’t think the others noticed her but Karai was there the whole time, watching us from one of the rooftops… Studying our moves so next time she’d have the advantage.

And what does Leonardo do? He starts showing off! Starts throwing out all these fancy kicks and flips and saying all these cheesy lines like “I’ll save you Raph” trying to sound all heroic. He KNEW Karai was there and he decides to try and IMPRESS her!?

…give me a break.

If I were the leader of this team I wouldn’t be trying to flirt with the bad guy’s daughter! But Leo doesn’t get it. He even tried to hide it; saying he was just showing her how ‘formidable’ we are. We fought a bit about it, in the end I couldn’t get through to him.

That’s when this feeling started…

It’s so hard to try to explain it, but every time I see Leo’s face all I see is him and Karai, and that stupid smug grin of her’s.

It makes my blood boil.
I just get so angry, angrier than I’ve ever remembered being: my hands shake and my throat goes dry and I feel like someone’s reached right through my plastron and is crushing my heart with their bare hand.

I hate this feeling…

It’s Leo’s fault for being so stupid!
And it’s Karai’s fault for trying to take Leo from us!
And… and… there’s nothing I can do about it…

This past week the feeling’s only gotten worse. Even when we’re training together with Sensei watching us closely, I still feel this uncontrollable desire to smash Leo’s face in for being so stupid.

I want to grind him into the ground. I want to break every bone in his body. I want to… do something so he won’t leave… but… I know the day will come when he will… and no wound I can inflict can stop that day from coming.
And just knowing that makes the feeling worse.

I tried going to Master Splinter for some advice. He was meditating in the dojo when I went to see him. I sat next to him and waited till he was done.
I bet he sensed that I was there the whole time cuz every time I’d breathe or make the smallest move his ear would twitch. Finally his tired eyes opened.

“Raphael? Is something the matter?” He asked in that usual tone, as if he hadn’t noticed how out of sorts I’ve been all week.
“Hai Sensei.” I sighed, looking down, almost in defeat.
“I see,” he paused, knowing I wouldn’t have come to see him if it wasn’t serious. “Then please, share what has been bothering you.” He encouraged.
“Sensei, ever since Karai came into the picture Leo’s been acting like he wants to… like he want her to… join us or….” I had trouble finding the right words “… he wants to go with her? I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” Master Splinter stroked the hairs on his chin, deep in thought. After a few moments he responded. “And how does that make you feel?”

His question struck a nerve. I wanted to pour my heart out about how angry and frustrated it makes me, about how I hated it, how I hated Leo and Karai… EVERYTHING! But then I’d get the whole ‘anger is self-destructive’ speech again…

“I don’t like it.” I replied.
“Hmm, I think I know the feeling you have my son.” He rested his hands on his knees and began to reminisce. “It was those same feelings that drove The Shredder to do what he did. Years ago he was in the same situation as you. He would see Tang-Shen with me and when ever he saw my face, or hers, his heart would surly ach with longing and hatred.”
As usual, Master Splinter’s lesson involves The Shredder, but this time I listened closely. This time I could relate.

Mater Splinter continued: “The feeling of jealousy that burned inside him was what ultimately caused him to take Tang-Shen from me… Thinking that, if he couldn’t have her, no one could… He will have to live with her blood on his hands, for the rest of his life...” Splinter’s voice was beginning to break as his sadness started to show.

“Um... Sensei?” I tried to reassure him.

He gave me a weary smile. “I know what you are feeling my son; Jealousy.” Master stood up, “and if you do not find a way to calm the fire burning under your heart, you too will live a life of regret.” He turned and headed for his room.

As the door to his room closed behind him, the dojo filled with an eerie silence.

I’m jealous? Of Leo?!
My head hurt at the thought.
Does that mean I wish I could leave with Karai? Do I want her to take me away? Do I…?
My visit to Master Splinter only raised more questions. I spent the whole night awake, rethinking everything…

The next day I asked Leo to spar with me. Not that he was my first choice, but Donnie and Mikey were busy in the garage and Splinter was out with April for training.
Our fight began with the usual tough words and mocking before we fought, but once we started, neither of us held back. After a few minutes I couldn’t help but bring up Karai. Leo paused.

“What?” He asked.
“Do you want to leave with her?” I asked bluntly
“Raph, I told you, I’m so over Karai.” …Liar.
“Just answer the question.”
“Haha, I see, you’re just staling our fight because-”
“ANSWER ME!”

Leo became quite, only slightly shocked by my outburst, then he looked at me, his gaze became steely and his voice was so cold.

“Sometimes…” he replied “I think about it sometimes…” he said looking up at the sewer roof of our makeshift dojo. “I think about what it would be like to leave here… to be free…” his tone was dead serious as he looked off far into space.

“Well you can’t!” I exploded. “You can’t leave! You can’t go with HER or ANYONE! You have to stay here!” words were just flowing out. It felt as if the grip around my heart had made the paining organ burst and all my feelings were escaping me. “You have to stay with us! Your family! You have no right to leave!”

“Why not?!” He barked. “Why do I have to stay?! For a master who has lost his honor and humanity? For brothers who see me as a joke?! Why do I have to stay when my skills could be used better out there?” Leo’s arms reach up “Out there… a real master, a real team to lead, a real cause to fight for…”

The look in Leo’s eyes… it was as if all the light was leaving him as his dream to be free from this life flew away… His arms fell. His head hung.

“Don’t you want to leave too, Raphael?”
My hands lost control. Before my mouth could even speak further my fist had formed and lashed out to strike my brother’s jaw. The impact sent our so-called leader flying, smashing him into the wall. Staggered, he tried to regain his balance, but it was too late…

My anger had boiled into a rampage of blows that struck the crippled ninja, his arms tried to guard against my feral assault, but each strike only proved how useless all this training was… he was powerless. I remember screaming, yelling out words while in my bling rage that were so foul I can’t even remember them all.

My only thought as I was beating him was: “Crush him. Crush him. Crush him so he can’t leave.”

“What are you doing!?” Mikey’s voice echoed from somewhere.
“Bro! BRO! RAPH STOP IT!” Donnie too?
“…oh… god….” April.
“Enough!” Master Splinter’s voice rang in my head as a strike from his cane knocked me to the ground.

My vision blurred, all I could see was a form of green and blue and red twitching before me. I got up and was met by the horrified stares of my brothers and April. Splinter’s claw dug into my neck and my whole body became numb as he subdued me with his grip.

“Raphael! Do you have any idea what you have done!?” Sensei’s voice was burning me.
“…n-no…. sensei…” I managed to whisper.
Mikey and Donnie tried to help Leo up, his heavy breathing was the only sound that filled the dojo.
“Raphael! You have turned your anger into fury and harmed your brother! You’ve become no better than The Shredder! Have I taught you nothing?!” Splinter continued scolding.
Leo coughed, blood dripping from his mouth, “…master…” he groaned “…It’s alright, I’m fine.”

Leo sat upright, then with Donnie’s help, stood up before me; bruised, battered… but not broken… not crushed.

I can’t do anything… I can’t make him stay… I can’t…

I broke free from Sensei’s grip and ran. Running from them all. Running to where I can be alone. Leaving their voices behind. The only place I can go now is my room. I stayed there. The door locked. I couldn’t let them see my crying.

This horrible day came to an end when the sound of knocking stirred me from my bed. No matter how many times I told them to leave, the knocking continued.
I wiped the tears from my face before getting up. It was probably Splinter, here to punish me for what I’ve done.

My heart pounded in my throat as I opened the door, but sank into my feet when it was Leo who was standing on the other side.

“Can I come in?” He asked bluntly.
I couldn’t speak, my mouth was dry, all I could manage was to step aside and gesture for him to come in.

He went to my bed and as I closed the door he sat down, looking at me with this serious look on his bruised face. I swallowed heavily.

“Well?” I asked, sounding as if he owed me an apology.
“Well what?” he asked.
“What do you want?” I could think of all the times I’ve had to say sorry for fighting or playing to rough, but I’ve never gone this far. There was a pause before he replied.
“You can keep going now…” he said straightly.
“W-what?” I stuttered. He turned to me.
“Keep beating me until you’re done, get all your anger out now so this won’t happen again.”

I went to stand in front of him, looking down at him as he sat there.
“What… are you saying Leo?” I asked in disbelief.
“Sensei told me about all this anger you have towards me. If we want to be a team, you can’t be angry; you have to work out all that anger. You have to hit me.”
“N-no I… don’t want to hurt you…” I muttered
“Why not!? You had no trouble hurting me earlier!” He shouted angrily.

My hands shook. This can’t be happening… I don’t want this…
Leo closed his eyes, tilting his head back a bit.
“Just hit me. Just… get it over with.”
Looking at his face now… that feeling seemed miles away… I don’t see Karai, I don’t feel angry or filled with hate. I don’t feel like crushing him, I don’t want to…
But… I balled my fist.

My heart raced. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of anything else to do: if I keep saying I don’t want to hit him, he’ll feel I’m still holding in my hatred for him, and if I do beat him, he’ll think I hate him for sure… I have no idea what to do…
As I raised my fist, I closed my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t have to watch what I was about to do.

But as I did… I heard Splinter’s words echo in my head:
“if you do not find a way to calm the fire burning under your heart, you too will live a life of regret.”

Leo sat there, waiting for harm. Harm that would make him hate me, pain that would only push him further away from us, a wound that wouldn’t make him stay…

In that moment, a thought entered my mind 'There’s one thing I could do… it won’t make him stay… but it won’t hurt him. I have to show him, I don’t hate him.'

I kneeled down, watching his face brace for impact while I lowered myself to his level, then took a deep breath. I hesitated, but just as I was having second thoughts, a few words form Leo gave me the push I needed.

“Go ahead Raph, I don’t mind… You’re my brother and I love you.”

I grabbed his face with both my hands and before he could properly react to what was happening he was already caught in a deep kiss with me.

His breath blew fast past my face and I could feel him hesitating to struggle a midst his
confusion, I shut my eyes tightly, thinking… no, hoping… he understands:

‘I don’t hate you. I don’t hate everything. I want you to stay with us. I need you.’

The kiss felt so long. Every detail of it was so clear. I could feel his body tremble, his lips pressed so tightly against mine, the sound of his heart pounding… it all filled me with an unearthly calm... and at the same time, this ecstatic joy raced through my whole being.

This feeling… I didn’t want it to end…

…but it had to...

~Part 1: End~