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Description
Feelings… Chapter 3
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shit… Shit shit shit…

This… What have I done…?

My whole body feels heavy. The feeling of guilt was so strong it felt like a sewer rat was devouring me from the inside. All I could do to distract myself from the endless stream of thoughts going through my mind was to drive my palms into the temples of my forehead over and over.

It was as if every though, every word, every memory was replying in my mind. My head ached. My heart ached. My whole body just wanted to collapse onto my bed.
I want to sleep, to forget this day, this week, this life…

But I couldn’t…

I… I didn’t mean to kiss him.

I just wanted to set things right, to show him I don’t hate him.

I leaned in, thinking about all the horrible things I’ve done, the stuff I’ve put him though…
In that moment, I think I felt like a few words was just not going to be enough.
I had to show him what words would not:
‘…please stay with me…’

Somewhere, a midst the burning in my heart and the endless thoughts clouding my mind, my would-be embrace was lost, and was replaced by… a kiss.
The kind of kiss shared by lovers.

These past few hours I’ve been trying to justify my act, telling myself that Leo just over reacted, that he took it the wrong way, that a kiss was no reason to react the way he did. But the more I tell myself these things, the guiltier I felt.

Leo was here, ready to take me on, ready to feel pain for my sake. He probably steeled himself before he came here, reached some state of mind where he saw me as some sort of monster… a fire that just needed to by pacified.

I think I can see why he was so… disgusted.

I’ve been… so stupid…
I thought I was jealous of Leo, that someone had taken interest in him instead of me, that he was offered he chance to leave and not me…
That’s why… when he said ‘don’t you want to leave too’…
All I could hear was him rubbing it in my face that he has a chance to be free.
All I could see was him walking away, leaving us, leaving me…
I just… couldn’t let him…

Leo… I’m so sorry…
I’ve ruined everything…

…

I kept thinking.
'What will I do, what CAN I do, to make things right?'

Hours seemed to pass in an instant, almost like Fate wants to hurry me along to see what I’ll do and before I knew it, it was already morning.

I groaned.
My body, devoid of sleep, was forced to move from the familiar security of my room to face the cold silence that filled the Lair.
To the kitchen, that’s where he’ll be…

The clatter of spoons in bowels of cereal and the smell of freshly made eggs and toast didn’t even reach me as I wandered though the hall in a daze. I was bent on seeing him.
Ready to own up to everything.
The light, friendly noises grinded to a halt as I entered the room. Mikey and Donnie’s were the only presences in the room. The look in their eyes betrayed what they were thinking a midst this aching silence.

Mikey, his child like eyes, normally filled with light and hope, now beam with anger, trying desperately to pierce through the zombie-like expression on my face. He wanted, so badly, for me to no longer see him has a brat, but as someone whose trust I’ve utterly violated.

Donnie was looking more at Mikey than me. Obviously standing by in case our younger brother tried something stupid.

I wanted to ask them so many things…
‘What should I do?’
‘What do they know about what happened last night?’
‘How can I set things right?’

But in the end only one question escaped me:
“Where’s Leo?” I didn’t even recognize my own voice as the words monotonically leaked from my mouth. Mikey smashed his fists on the table, making the whole room rattle.
“Why?! So you can beat him up some more?!” He exclaimed.
“Mikey! Hush.” Donnie hissed.

Mikey settled, casting his eyes down at his bowel while Donnie continued.
“Leo’s not here.” He paused, glancing at the bitter look on Mikey’s face before turning back to me “Master Splinter’s waiting for you in the dojo.” There was this understanding look in Donatello’s eyes as he looked up at me “If you want to fix things, you’ll have to start with him.”

As he said those words, I remember feeling… so grateful.

Thanks Donnie… That’s all I needed.

“Alright. I’ll go.” As I turned to head for the dojo, a thought occurred.
These two.
My brothers.
In a way, I’ve hurt them too.
They have to see how sorry I am.
“Could… you two come too?”

There was this moment of uncertainty between them, Mikey looked over at Donnie who just offered an encouraging nod. In silence the two of them got up and followed.

The eerie calm that had seized control of the dojo after yesterday’s incident still lingered and as the three of us entered, we where met with the site of Master Splinter standing before his family shrine, gazing at the portrait of his former life, as he often does when he worries.

His ears twitched as we entered the room.
I approached, leaving my two brothers to look on at how the scene will unfold.
I’d like to say I felt nervous, like my heart was racing or sweat was seeping from my every pour, but it wasn’t like that: I was calm.

“Raphael.” Our old master spoke with a harsh tone, not turning to face me as I stood still a few feet away. My eyes cast downward.
“Moring Sensei.” My voice hoarse from hours of filled with tears and sleeplessness.
“Your actions yesterday… they have shaken this family’s core.” He paused, as if waiting for the severity of the situation to sink into me. “In a moment of Anger, you have destroyed the bond of trust that binds you four… no… that binds all of us, together.” His tone was serious, but lacked any trace of fury or anger or emotion.
He turned around.
His eyes closed.
“In a mere moment, you broke a bond that took years to forge, and will take years to repair.”

His eyes opened slowly. But his gaze seemed to pierce right though me.
Then, as if shot with an arrow, Master Splinter fell to his knee, kneeling before me.
“Forgive me.” Sorrow resonating in his voice.
Mikey and Donnie rushed to Sensei’s side.
“Master! Are you alright?” Mikey asked worriedly as the three of us kneeled around him.
“My sons.” He stated warmly, so much weakness in his voice. “There is no such thing as a perfect bond.”
The three of us looked at each other in confusion.
Sensei rose, we followed.

“There will be times where the bond between you is tested, damaged, even broken, but you are… we are a family.” Sensei stated proudly and we looked up to him, standing together.
“You need each other. Together there is no tragedy too great, no trauma too overwhelming.”
Master’s paw rested on my shoulder.

“Raphael. In your eyes there is a burning fire, one that must be reformed into a fire of passion and warmth, not anger and wrath.” Master paused, raising his eyebrow as if intrigued “… I see the fire has already stared to fade.”

“It has Sensei.” I stated promisingly.

He nodded. His gaze now shifting between Mikey and Donnie.
“My sons, you are a unit, your brothers are the ones closest to you, reject them for their flaws and you will surly regret it.”
Mikey and Donnie shared a look of acceptance. Looking at me, they each offered a weak smile.

“Raphael, you can make proper amends with Michelangelo and Donatello later. There is still someone you owe an apology to...”

“No need Sensei.” The sound of Leo’s voice grabbed everyone’s attention.

Limping into the dojo, Leo’s right harm hung in a sling and some patches of Black and Blue still adorned his emerald skin.
“Leonardo, you still require rest.” Master Splinter said sternly.

We looked on as Leo disregarded Sensei’s statement and pressed on until he joined the gathering.

“Leo… I…” The feeling of fearlessness that filled me mere moments ago seemed miles away as Leo came to stand before me.

“Let me speak Raphael.” He stated bluntly. Him using my full name like that made my throat close up in guilt. I stayed quiet.
“Sensei is right. Raph. You are a part of this family.” Leo’s face remained emotionless.
Then he looked over at Master Splinter without saying a word. Sensei seemed to understand and waved his claw in in Mikey and Donnie’s direction.
“Donatello, Michelangelo, let us retire to the kitchen.”
“But Sensei… what if Raph…” Donnie began to worry.
“Do not fear my son. There is no fire here.” Sensei stated assuredly.
Donnie looked a bit confused but threw a smile my way as he and Splinter made for the door.

Mikey glared at me for a moment, unsure if he should really leave.
“It’s alright Mikey. Nothing bad will happen.” Leo offered our younger brother some words to set his mind at ease.
Mikey reluctantly left, leaving Leo and me in the dojo’s calm.

The look on Leo’s face… unchanging, like steel, waiting for me to break, waiting to hear words that could justify my actions… words that could set things right.

My heart, again, suffered that gnawing feeling of guilt: As if a frenzy of snakes had begun to devour the delicate organ from the inside out.

The few moments of silence between us seemed to stretch on until finally…

I broke.

“I don’t hate you!” I feel to my knees.
“I don’t hate you Leo! I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry!”
Everything, every thought, every feeling, every emotion came pouring out of me.
“I lost control. I hurt you, so bad.”
My hands covered my face in shame. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t, I had no tears left.

“I don’t want you to go. But… I couldn’t think of a way to make you stay.”
I felt so pathetic. So cold.
“I just wanted you… to stay… with us… with…”

Before I could continue my decent into what felt like an abyss of worthlessness, he reached out to me…

Lightly, like an angle’s touch, his hand rested on my head.
It felt so warm. As I looked up, all I could see was his smiling face.

“It’s alright Raph…” His voice was so calm.
“Then… you don’t hate me? Even after…”
He shook his head. A feeling of indescribable joy filled me. A joy that make all the serpents in my heart scatter.
“And… you’ll stay?” i asked, trying to mask my eagerness for his response.

He didn’t say anything. He just offered his hand to help me up.

“Leo…?”

“Raph, I don’t…” his gaze strayed from me, noticing someone, he hung his head.

Moments later Donnie walked into the dojo.
“Guys, Splinter wants Leo to get some more rest, hurry up.”
Donnie left, leaving an almost disappointed look on our faces.

One last thought shot though my head.
My hand reached out to him, lightly tapping his arm to get his attention again.

“Um. You didn’t tell anyone… you know… about last night… right?”
Leo's iron resolve seemed to crumble as his demeanor suddenly changed drastically.
A spot of red flew across his face.

“W-what do you mean?” He genuinely sounded perplexed.
“You know… um…” I rubbed the back of my head, not comfortable discussing the subject.
“…when I… kissed you.” I swallowed heavily.
Leo’s eyes seemed to widen suddenly.
“O-of course not.” He stammered a bit. “As far as I know, nothing happened last night.”
Leo seemed to blush as he looked off somewhere, avoiding eye contact.

I, for one, was relieved.

“Well that’s a load off my shell.” I stated jokingly. Leo just fake laughed, sounding a bit uncomfortable. His wounds are probably taking their toll on him.

“Should I take you to bed?” I asked, offering him my hand.

“What!?” Leo’s face grew bight red and his lips began to quiver as drops of sweat formed on his temples. He might have a fever.
“Do you need my help getting back to your room Leo?” I asked again.

“N-no… I…” He shook his head and took a deep breath, as if clearing his mind.
“No. I’ll be fine.” He said, seemingly getting control over his fever.

Leo began to hobble back to his room.

The feeling that yesterday’s events are being forgotten and forgiven is slowly lifting the eerie calm from the dojo. I watched him walk, somewhat content.

One day I’ll watch him walk away, just like today, and he won’t come back.

He will leave… one day.
~Part 3: End~

Description
Feelings… Chapter 3
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shit… Shit shit shit…

This… What have I done…?

My whole body feels heavy. The feeling of guilt was so strong it felt like a sewer rat was devouring me from the inside. All I could do to distract myself from the endless stream of thoughts going through my mind was to drive my palms into the temples of my forehead over and over.

It was as if every though, every word, every memory was replying in my mind. My head ached. My heart ached. My whole body just wanted to collapse onto my bed.
I want to sleep, to forget this day, this week, this life…

But I couldn’t…

I… I didn’t mean to kiss him.

I just wanted to set things right, to show him I don’t hate him.

I leaned in, thinking about all the horrible things I’ve done, the stuff I’ve put him though…
In that moment, I think I felt like a few words was just not going to be enough.
I had to show him what words would not:
‘…please stay with me…’

Somewhere, a midst the burning in my heart and the endless thoughts clouding my mind, my would-be embrace was lost, and was replaced by… a kiss.
The kind of kiss shared by lovers.

These past few hours I’ve been trying to justify my act, telling myself that Leo just over reacted, that he took it the wrong way, that a kiss was no reason to react the way he did. But the more I tell myself these things, the guiltier I felt.

Leo was here, ready to take me on, ready to feel pain for my sake. He probably steeled himself before he came here, reached some state of mind where he saw me as some sort of monster… a fire that just needed to by pacified.

I think I can see why he was so… disgusted.

I’ve been… so stupid…
I thought I was jealous of Leo, that someone had taken interest in him instead of me, that he was offered he chance to leave and not me…
That’s why… when he said ‘don’t you want to leave too’…
All I could hear was him rubbing it in my face that he has a chance to be free.
All I could see was him walking away, leaving us, leaving me…
I just… couldn’t let him…

Leo… I’m so sorry…
I’ve ruined everything…

…

I kept thinking.
'What will I do, what CAN I do, to make things right?'

Hours seemed to pass in an instant, almost like Fate wants to hurry me along to see what I’ll do and before I knew it, it was already morning.

I groaned.
My body, devoid of sleep, was forced to move from the familiar security of my room to face the cold silence that filled the Lair.
To the kitchen, that’s where he’ll be…

The clatter of spoons in bowels of cereal and the smell of freshly made eggs and toast didn’t even reach me as I wandered though the hall in a daze. I was bent on seeing him.
Ready to own up to everything.
The light, friendly noises grinded to a halt as I entered the room. Mikey and Donnie’s were the only presences in the room. The look in their eyes betrayed what they were thinking a midst this aching silence.

Mikey, his child like eyes, normally filled with light and hope, now beam with anger, trying desperately to pierce through the zombie-like expression on my face. He wanted, so badly, for me to no longer see him has a brat, but as someone whose trust I’ve utterly violated.

Donnie was looking more at Mikey than me. Obviously standing by in case our younger brother tried something stupid.

I wanted to ask them so many things…
‘What should I do?’
‘What do they know about what happened last night?’
‘How can I set things right?’

But in the end only one question escaped me:
“Where’s Leo?” I didn’t even recognize my own voice as the words monotonically leaked from my mouth. Mikey smashed his fists on the table, making the whole room rattle.
“Why?! So you can beat him up some more?!” He exclaimed.
“Mikey! Hush.” Donnie hissed.

Mikey settled, casting his eyes down at his bowel while Donnie continued.
“Leo’s not here.” He paused, glancing at the bitter look on Mikey’s face before turning back to me “Master Splinter’s waiting for you in the dojo.” There was this understanding look in Donatello’s eyes as he looked up at me “If you want to fix things, you’ll have to start with him.”

As he said those words, I remember feeling… so grateful.

Thanks Donnie… That’s all I needed.

“Alright. I’ll go.” As I turned to head for the dojo, a thought occurred.
These two.
My brothers.
In a way, I’ve hurt them too.
They have to see how sorry I am.
“Could… you two come too?”

There was this moment of uncertainty between them, Mikey looked over at Donnie who just offered an encouraging nod. In silence the two of them got up and followed.

The eerie calm that had seized control of the dojo after yesterday’s incident still lingered and as the three of us entered, we where met with the site of Master Splinter standing before his family shrine, gazing at the portrait of his former life, as he often does when he worries.

His ears twitched as we entered the room.
I approached, leaving my two brothers to look on at how the scene will unfold.
I’d like to say I felt nervous, like my heart was racing or sweat was seeping from my every pour, but it wasn’t like that: I was calm.

“Raphael.” Our old master spoke with a harsh tone, not turning to face me as I stood still a few feet away. My eyes cast downward.
“Moring Sensei.” My voice hoarse from hours of filled with tears and sleeplessness.
“Your actions yesterday… they have shaken this family’s core.” He paused, as if waiting for the severity of the situation to sink into me. “In a moment of Anger, you have destroyed the bond of trust that binds you four… no… that binds all of us, together.” His tone was serious, but lacked any trace of fury or anger or emotion.
He turned around.
His eyes closed.
“In a mere moment, you broke a bond that took years to forge, and will take years to repair.”

His eyes opened slowly. But his gaze seemed to pierce right though me.
Then, as if shot with an arrow, Master Splinter fell to his knee, kneeling before me.
“Forgive me.” Sorrow resonating in his voice.
Mikey and Donnie rushed to Sensei’s side.
“Master! Are you alright?” Mikey asked worriedly as the three of us kneeled around him.
“My sons.” He stated warmly, so much weakness in his voice. “There is no such thing as a perfect bond.”
The three of us looked at each other in confusion.
Sensei rose, we followed.

“There will be times where the bond between you is tested, damaged, even broken, but you are… we are a family.” Sensei stated proudly and we looked up to him, standing together.
“You need each other. Together there is no tragedy too great, no trauma too overwhelming.”
Master’s paw rested on my shoulder.

“Raphael. In your eyes there is a burning fire, one that must be reformed into a fire of passion and warmth, not anger and wrath.” Master paused, raising his eyebrow as if intrigued “… I see the fire has already stared to fade.”

“It has Sensei.” I stated promisingly.

He nodded. His gaze now shifting between Mikey and Donnie.
“My sons, you are a unit, your brothers are the ones closest to you, reject them for their flaws and you will surly regret it.”
Mikey and Donnie shared a look of acceptance. Looking at me, they each offered a weak smile.

“Raphael, you can make proper amends with Michelangelo and Donatello later. There is still someone you owe an apology to...”

“No need Sensei.” The sound of Leo’s voice grabbed everyone’s attention.

Limping into the dojo, Leo’s right harm hung in a sling and some patches of Black and Blue still adorned his emerald skin.
“Leonardo, you still require rest.” Master Splinter said sternly.

We looked on as Leo disregarded Sensei’s statement and pressed on until he joined the gathering.

“Leo… I…” The feeling of fearlessness that filled me mere moments ago seemed miles away as Leo came to stand before me.

“Let me speak Raphael.” He stated bluntly. Him using my full name like that made my throat close up in guilt. I stayed quiet.
“Sensei is right. Raph. You are a part of this family.” Leo’s face remained emotionless.
Then he looked over at Master Splinter without saying a word. Sensei seemed to understand and waved his claw in in Mikey and Donnie’s direction.
“Donatello, Michelangelo, let us retire to the kitchen.”
“But Sensei… what if Raph…” Donnie began to worry.
“Do not fear my son. There is no fire here.” Sensei stated assuredly.
Donnie looked a bit confused but threw a smile my way as he and Splinter made for the door.

Mikey glared at me for a moment, unsure if he should really leave.
“It’s alright Mikey. Nothing bad will happen.” Leo offered our younger brother some words to set his mind at ease.
Mikey reluctantly left, leaving Leo and me in the dojo’s calm.

The look on Leo’s face… unchanging, like steel, waiting for me to break, waiting to hear words that could justify my actions… words that could set things right.

My heart, again, suffered that gnawing feeling of guilt: As if a frenzy of snakes had begun to devour the delicate organ from the inside out.

The few moments of silence between us seemed to stretch on until finally…

I broke.

“I don’t hate you!” I feel to my knees.
“I don’t hate you Leo! I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry!”
Everything, every thought, every feeling, every emotion came pouring out of me.
“I lost control. I hurt you, so bad.”
My hands covered my face in shame. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t, I had no tears left.

“I don’t want you to go. But… I couldn’t think of a way to make you stay.”
I felt so pathetic. So cold.
“I just wanted you… to stay… with us… with…”

Before I could continue my decent into what felt like an abyss of worthlessness, he reached out to me…

Lightly, like an angle’s touch, his hand rested on my head.
It felt so warm. As I looked up, all I could see was his smiling face.

“It’s alright Raph…” His voice was so calm.
“Then… you don’t hate me? Even after…”
He shook his head. A feeling of indescribable joy filled me. A joy that make all the serpents in my heart scatter.
“And… you’ll stay?” i asked, trying to mask my eagerness for his response.

He didn’t say anything. He just offered his hand to help me up.

“Leo…?”

“Raph, I don’t…” his gaze strayed from me, noticing someone, he hung his head.

Moments later Donnie walked into the dojo.
“Guys, Splinter wants Leo to get some more rest, hurry up.”
Donnie left, leaving an almost disappointed look on our faces.

One last thought shot though my head.
My hand reached out to him, lightly tapping his arm to get his attention again.

“Um. You didn’t tell anyone… you know… about last night… right?”
Leo's iron resolve seemed to crumble as his demeanor suddenly changed drastically.
A spot of red flew across his face.

“W-what do you mean?” He genuinely sounded perplexed.
“You know… um…” I rubbed the back of my head, not comfortable discussing the subject.
“…when I… kissed you.” I swallowed heavily.
Leo’s eyes seemed to widen suddenly.
“O-of course not.” He stammered a bit. “As far as I know, nothing happened last night.”
Leo seemed to blush as he looked off somewhere, avoiding eye contact.

I, for one, was relieved.

“Well that’s a load off my shell.” I stated jokingly. Leo just fake laughed, sounding a bit uncomfortable. His wounds are probably taking their toll on him.

“Should I take you to bed?” I asked, offering him my hand.

“What!?” Leo’s face grew bight red and his lips began to quiver as drops of sweat formed on his temples. He might have a fever.
“Do you need my help getting back to your room Leo?” I asked again.

“N-no… I…” He shook his head and took a deep breath, as if clearing his mind.
“No. I’ll be fine.” He said, seemingly getting control over his fever.

Leo began to hobble back to his room.

The feeling that yesterday’s events are being forgotten and forgiven is slowly lifting the eerie calm from the dojo. I watched him walk, somewhat content.

One day I’ll watch him walk away, just like today, and he won’t come back.

He will leave… one day.
~Part 3: End~