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Description
Title: My first
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/16 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, feels (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Come on... Snow already."
Leo murmured as he surveyed the streets below. He stood stern against the cold breeze that carried his words to me as I sat huddled beneath a nearby water tower.

On this particularly cold night, the city is caught in between the end of autumn and the coming winter, filling the streets we patrol with a pale grey air. It's a chilly limbo awaiting the Christmas snow.

Dressed to resist this cold, Leo and I guard the rooftops, watchful for any sign of wrong-doing. Though I maintain that no one would be dumb enough to be causing trouble on such a cold evening, Leo still insisted.

The sky was filled with brooding clouds rolling in from the east: their dark presence allowed no moonlight to reach the city. Every now and then I'd peek up at the sky from under the towering structure where I sit, fearful of rain.

The only reason I'm still out here is because of him... The fearless idiot I call brother.
I couldn't leave him out here. That lame-o doesn't know his own limits and it's not like he'd listen to me.

He doesn't pay me any mind.
Sometimes I feel like I really have to stick my neck out there just so he'll notice me.

The dull city brightens slightly as night-time lights come to life, but the street lamps too seem to struggle against the cold, flickering weakly. The winds picked up, howling through the alleys of the surrounding buildings.

Soon Leo retreated from the roof's edge and came to stand beside me,
trying hard to shake off the chill.
"Just one more hour, okay Raph?" he jittered.

Happily wrapped in a blanket, I tell him that he's free to do whatever he wants.
He glanced back at the ledge where he spent most of the day bracing the cold and winced, unwilling to face the cruel wind again.

I unfurled the blanket as if opening a wing and looked up to him with a smug grin:
"Come here, I'll warm you up." I said suggestively, assuming he'd just shrug me off.
Leo glanced down with a sneer, but then offered a supercilious smile.

"Move over." he said coyly, setting his swords down beside my sai against the beam of the water tower.

As he wrapped the thin sheet of cloth around us, our bodies were pressed together. I could feel him siphon my heat away as he nuzzled up against me. Breathing suddenly became difficult as my chest tightened and my whole body became tense.

He's close...
Really close.
This just doesn't happen often.

Leo's smells... it's mixing with mine. It's a scent that's hard to describe,
a type of deep sweet musk only I ever seem to notice.
I can feel his body's tremble: held back, and slowly subsiding as warmth returns to his skin.

For a while we were quiet. A kind of comfortable silence.
It wasn't so bad... the two of us, wrapped in gentle darkness.
This cold though...

"So how about we play a game?" Leo asked out of the blue.
His words caught me by surprise and I asked him to repeat what he said.

After he did, I rose a brow, knowing that Leo's ideas of 'fun' and 'games' are just cheap ways of getting us to train. I humored him, asking what he had in mind. Leo's face lit up as he huddled closer.

"Okay, it's a game call 'Zen'. It's where we close our eyes- "
Leo explained that the aim of the 'game' is to reflect on times where you acted badly, or responded poorly to a situation and change the memory in your mind so that it doesn't bother you anymore.

The idea that Leo has been doing this rather than actually dealing with these experiences... left a bad taste in my mouth.

"It's just meditation, isn't it Leo?" I interrupted his explanation bluntly.
Leo's gaze turned steely and he snobbishly barked at me to come up with something better.

"Well... how about some 'truth or dare' instead?" I asked.
I then took a moment to remember the state of the weather before revising my suggestion.
"... or maybe just truth."

My brother let out a chuckle and agreed, asking me to go first.
And so our game began.

Most of what we asked each other was stuff we already knew
and the more interesting questions were dodged or answered with lies.

Still... this interaction with my unreachable, perfect big brother was more than enough to make the cold seem far away.

I hoped that being together like this... will make him look at me more.
Always trying my hardest.
Staying by his side long after Don and Mikey went home.
All of this just to get closer to him.
...My efforts are wasted in the end though. I always mess these moments up somehow.

"So Raph, truth or truth?" He continued.
"Tough one....Hm, Truth"

Leo looked off to the horizon, noting the night's darkness made worse by the foreboding clouds and smiled warily.
"Do you think it will snow before we head back?" He asked sullenly.

Under the blanket, I could feel Leo's tremble return, but it was more a shiver of excitement than cold. I told him that it'll probably snow later tonight and cover the city by morning.
He seemed dissatisfied with my answer.

"....okay. Well, then, I pick truth." He said in a daze, losing his motivation to continue this game.

"Why are you so eager for the snow to start?" I asked, letting out a question whose answer I'd actually like to know.

He seemed surprised and reluctant to answer, but he let out a sigh:
"I just... I've never seen the snow fall."

"So?" I absentmindedly replied.

Leo told me that, despite having seen snow, and snowfall on TV, he's never experienced pure snowfall before. He hopes that it will be... um... "magical".

When he told me that, my first instinct was to mock him relentlessly,
but I think the cold froze my tongue long enough for me to reconsider.

Leo can be sentimental and mushy at times... leaving his heart exposed to anyone.

"Hey Leo... forget the game for a sec, I have something else I wanna ask."
Leo's expression softened, but turned stern when he saw something weighing on my mind.
"So um... do you still have feelings for Karai?"

The instant the words left my mouth, regret took hold of me.
I didn't want to know: But in that moment of impulse, thinking of his emotions and how easily they can be messed with, I couldn't help but ask.

Besides, I have been wondering how... close they were.

Leo's face turned a shade redder as he began to stutter and babble in that way that he does, denying anything between them ever happened.

His excuses dragged on, offering every kind of explanation for his 'fascination' with her...
but to me it was all just white noise. A droning sound that only made me sick to my stomach.

"Why do you ask?" He asked finally.

Because I'm jealous... you idiot.

"No reason... I've just been having these thoughts lately..." I stammered,
keeping my eyes locked on the roof's edge ahead of me.
Then, a moment came where all these built up thoughts I've had started to leak out,
eager to find a sympathetic ear.

"We've been meeting all these new people and going all these weird places and..."
I took a breath, finding it much harder to talk about than I thought it would be.

"Yeah?" Leo leaned in curiously.

"What if we meet someone?" I asked, despite fearing what he might say.
"...what if we meet 'the one', you know?"

My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited for his response.
Somehow I had already convinced myself that whatever he's going to say, I'll hate.
Because I know he won't just take my hand and say 'I already found him'...

He paused for a bit and then
asked what would be so bad about meeting the one we were meant to be with.

I let out a sigh.

I just... I didn't want to hear that.

I choked up a bit, blaming the cold, then shifted my argument in a different direction:
"No I mean, what if we meet the one we're willing to leave the team for?"

Leo's expression suddenly became dark. His face bittered and his brow furrowed,
the face of someone whose struggled with this type of question before.

I fastened the blanket around me, speaking into it in an attempt to muffle my embarrassing words:
"It's just when I think about it... that one of us will meet some random person and just fall over ourselves to be with them, and then leave forever..."
My chest tightened, the question not just affecting Leo anymore, but all of us.
"...I can't stand it."

The winds suddenly died down, allowing an eerie silence to settle around us.
Leo then turned to me and said plainly:

"So?"

My eyes widened.

I admit, his response utterly shattered the tension of the moment.
Under the cloth that held us together, Leo linked his arm in with mine, smiling softly.

"It doesn't matter who we meet,
or who we fall in love with..." he said, a tone of knowing in his voice as
he looked down at me by his side "...we'll always have each other."

I blushed, telling him to cut the sappy stuff, but he just laughed.

"I mean it Raph, we'll still be together. Always."

"Yeah but that's different." I argued bashfully.

"Not really." He replied "We fight, we disagree, we need time apart.
Despite it all, we still love each other."

"Pff, yeah right..."

Leo playfully bumped me under the blanket,
"Yeah. Right." he said firmly "I love you Raph." a carefree and happy note to his voice.
I smiled.

He smiled too, awkward and embarrassed, but said that it was okay for me to say it too.
I know it's okay for me to say.
But... I didn't.
I can't.

If I say it... it'll mean something different.
And he'll notice that.
I just... stayed quiet.

Instead, l shifted my weight, leaning against his warmed shoulder... still secretly trying to convey something my words can't.
I don't know if any meaning got through to him, but he didn't say anything for a long while,
he just let me rest against him.

This... is nice.
This has been... a good hour.
I just found myself drifting...

After a bit, I think Leo became suspicious.
"Um... Raph?"

I shot up, apologizing profusely.

"No..no, it's not that." He said softly, "Look."
Leo's arm left the blanket at pointed towards the sky beyond the tower.

Then, in the distance, I saw it.
Like rain fall, but gentler, a soft shimmer breezing through the dense clouds as snowflakes fell to the city. The skyline became flooded with specks of white, flushing the pale air from the streets with a crisp cool atmosphere.

"H-hey look! It's snowing!" I suddenly exclaimed, breaking the warm bond between us as I got up and stumbled towards the open roof to see the grandeur better.

"It's not so bad with the winds gone." I excitedly said as I came to overlook the streets below. Leo stepped up beside me, his eyes still glancing up now and then as the snow fell around us.

Again without thinking, I opened my mouth:
"We can stay a few more minutes..."

Trying hard to mask his glee,
Leo insisted that we didn't need to stay.
Trying hard to sound reasonable, I told him to shut up and enjoy damn snow.

He laughed, brought back down to earth by my silly comment.
We stood side by side, watching the sky fill with white.
Leo nudged me with his arm, silently saying thanks.

For an instant, the whole world seemed far away, like it was snowing just for us.
In that moment, with his cheeks flushed red and his lips frozen blue, he looked over at me and smiled.
It looked like he... wanted me to take his hand... and just lean in.
No. No that's just.... wishful thinking.

"Snow..." Leo said in a daze, captivated by the gentle beauty of the snowflakes.

We stood there in awe. Both mesmerized by the understated beauty of something simple and overlooked.

"So... how is it?" I asked tentatively after a few minutes.
Leo closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting the icy air of the new winter fill his lungs.
And in the most pure, dorky, please-make-fun-of-me way, said:
"It's magical."

I cringed and couldn't help but smile as I tugged at his arm and nagged him to let us go home.

Leo led the way, hurrying ahead of me and eager to get out of the dizzying cold.
Every few feet he'd declare how he'll never forget tonight.
"Neither will I." I'd mutter each time.

Somethings I will forget though:
In time, I'll forget about these feelings.
I'll move on. Find someone else.
Maybe that's for the best.
Nothing wrong with letting go.

Still... I'll remember.
I'll remember this night.
I'll remember when the city was caught between autumn and winter.
And I'll remember my first crush, just as he'll remember his first snow fall.
Always.

End.

Description
Title: My first
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/16 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, feels (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Come on... Snow already."
Leo murmured as he surveyed the streets below. He stood stern against the cold breeze that carried his words to me as I sat huddled beneath a nearby water tower.

On this particularly cold night, the city is caught in between the end of autumn and the coming winter, filling the streets we patrol with a pale grey air. It's a chilly limbo awaiting the Christmas snow.

Dressed to resist this cold, Leo and I guard the rooftops, watchful for any sign of wrong-doing. Though I maintain that no one would be dumb enough to be causing trouble on such a cold evening, Leo still insisted.

The sky was filled with brooding clouds rolling in from the east: their dark presence allowed no moonlight to reach the city. Every now and then I'd peek up at the sky from under the towering structure where I sit, fearful of rain.

The only reason I'm still out here is because of him... The fearless idiot I call brother.
I couldn't leave him out here. That lame-o doesn't know his own limits and it's not like he'd listen to me.

He doesn't pay me any mind.
Sometimes I feel like I really have to stick my neck out there just so he'll notice me.

The dull city brightens slightly as night-time lights come to life, but the street lamps too seem to struggle against the cold, flickering weakly. The winds picked up, howling through the alleys of the surrounding buildings.

Soon Leo retreated from the roof's edge and came to stand beside me,
trying hard to shake off the chill.
"Just one more hour, okay Raph?" he jittered.

Happily wrapped in a blanket, I tell him that he's free to do whatever he wants.
He glanced back at the ledge where he spent most of the day bracing the cold and winced, unwilling to face the cruel wind again.

I unfurled the blanket as if opening a wing and looked up to him with a smug grin:
"Come here, I'll warm you up." I said suggestively, assuming he'd just shrug me off.
Leo glanced down with a sneer, but then offered a supercilious smile.

"Move over." he said coyly, setting his swords down beside my sai against the beam of the water tower.

As he wrapped the thin sheet of cloth around us, our bodies were pressed together. I could feel him siphon my heat away as he nuzzled up against me. Breathing suddenly became difficult as my chest tightened and my whole body became tense.

He's close...
Really close.
This just doesn't happen often.

Leo's smells... it's mixing with mine. It's a scent that's hard to describe,
a type of deep sweet musk only I ever seem to notice.
I can feel his body's tremble: held back, and slowly subsiding as warmth returns to his skin.

For a while we were quiet. A kind of comfortable silence.
It wasn't so bad... the two of us, wrapped in gentle darkness.
This cold though...

"So how about we play a game?" Leo asked out of the blue.
His words caught me by surprise and I asked him to repeat what he said.

After he did, I rose a brow, knowing that Leo's ideas of 'fun' and 'games' are just cheap ways of getting us to train. I humored him, asking what he had in mind. Leo's face lit up as he huddled closer.

"Okay, it's a game call 'Zen'. It's where we close our eyes- "
Leo explained that the aim of the 'game' is to reflect on times where you acted badly, or responded poorly to a situation and change the memory in your mind so that it doesn't bother you anymore.

The idea that Leo has been doing this rather than actually dealing with these experiences... left a bad taste in my mouth.

"It's just meditation, isn't it Leo?" I interrupted his explanation bluntly.
Leo's gaze turned steely and he snobbishly barked at me to come up with something better.

"Well... how about some 'truth or dare' instead?" I asked.
I then took a moment to remember the state of the weather before revising my suggestion.
"... or maybe just truth."

My brother let out a chuckle and agreed, asking me to go first.
And so our game began.

Most of what we asked each other was stuff we already knew
and the more interesting questions were dodged or answered with lies.

Still... this interaction with my unreachable, perfect big brother was more than enough to make the cold seem far away.

I hoped that being together like this... will make him look at me more.
Always trying my hardest.
Staying by his side long after Don and Mikey went home.
All of this just to get closer to him.
...My efforts are wasted in the end though. I always mess these moments up somehow.

"So Raph, truth or truth?" He continued.
"Tough one....Hm, Truth"

Leo looked off to the horizon, noting the night's darkness made worse by the foreboding clouds and smiled warily.
"Do you think it will snow before we head back?" He asked sullenly.

Under the blanket, I could feel Leo's tremble return, but it was more a shiver of excitement than cold. I told him that it'll probably snow later tonight and cover the city by morning.
He seemed dissatisfied with my answer.

"....okay. Well, then, I pick truth." He said in a daze, losing his motivation to continue this game.

"Why are you so eager for the snow to start?" I asked, letting out a question whose answer I'd actually like to know.

He seemed surprised and reluctant to answer, but he let out a sigh:
"I just... I've never seen the snow fall."

"So?" I absentmindedly replied.

Leo told me that, despite having seen snow, and snowfall on TV, he's never experienced pure snowfall before. He hopes that it will be... um... "magical".

When he told me that, my first instinct was to mock him relentlessly,
but I think the cold froze my tongue long enough for me to reconsider.

Leo can be sentimental and mushy at times... leaving his heart exposed to anyone.

"Hey Leo... forget the game for a sec, I have something else I wanna ask."
Leo's expression softened, but turned stern when he saw something weighing on my mind.
"So um... do you still have feelings for Karai?"

The instant the words left my mouth, regret took hold of me.
I didn't want to know: But in that moment of impulse, thinking of his emotions and how easily they can be messed with, I couldn't help but ask.

Besides, I have been wondering how... close they were.

Leo's face turned a shade redder as he began to stutter and babble in that way that he does, denying anything between them ever happened.

His excuses dragged on, offering every kind of explanation for his 'fascination' with her...
but to me it was all just white noise. A droning sound that only made me sick to my stomach.

"Why do you ask?" He asked finally.

Because I'm jealous... you idiot.

"No reason... I've just been having these thoughts lately..." I stammered,
keeping my eyes locked on the roof's edge ahead of me.
Then, a moment came where all these built up thoughts I've had started to leak out,
eager to find a sympathetic ear.

"We've been meeting all these new people and going all these weird places and..."
I took a breath, finding it much harder to talk about than I thought it would be.

"Yeah?" Leo leaned in curiously.

"What if we meet someone?" I asked, despite fearing what he might say.
"...what if we meet 'the one', you know?"

My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited for his response.
Somehow I had already convinced myself that whatever he's going to say, I'll hate.
Because I know he won't just take my hand and say 'I already found him'...

He paused for a bit and then
asked what would be so bad about meeting the one we were meant to be with.

I let out a sigh.

I just... I didn't want to hear that.

I choked up a bit, blaming the cold, then shifted my argument in a different direction:
"No I mean, what if we meet the one we're willing to leave the team for?"

Leo's expression suddenly became dark. His face bittered and his brow furrowed,
the face of someone whose struggled with this type of question before.

I fastened the blanket around me, speaking into it in an attempt to muffle my embarrassing words:
"It's just when I think about it... that one of us will meet some random person and just fall over ourselves to be with them, and then leave forever..."
My chest tightened, the question not just affecting Leo anymore, but all of us.
"...I can't stand it."

The winds suddenly died down, allowing an eerie silence to settle around us.
Leo then turned to me and said plainly:

"So?"

My eyes widened.

I admit, his response utterly shattered the tension of the moment.
Under the cloth that held us together, Leo linked his arm in with mine, smiling softly.

"It doesn't matter who we meet,
or who we fall in love with..." he said, a tone of knowing in his voice as
he looked down at me by his side "...we'll always have each other."

I blushed, telling him to cut the sappy stuff, but he just laughed.

"I mean it Raph, we'll still be together. Always."

"Yeah but that's different." I argued bashfully.

"Not really." He replied "We fight, we disagree, we need time apart.
Despite it all, we still love each other."

"Pff, yeah right..."

Leo playfully bumped me under the blanket,
"Yeah. Right." he said firmly "I love you Raph." a carefree and happy note to his voice.
I smiled.

He smiled too, awkward and embarrassed, but said that it was okay for me to say it too.
I know it's okay for me to say.
But... I didn't.
I can't.

If I say it... it'll mean something different.
And he'll notice that.
I just... stayed quiet.

Instead, l shifted my weight, leaning against his warmed shoulder... still secretly trying to convey something my words can't.
I don't know if any meaning got through to him, but he didn't say anything for a long while,
he just let me rest against him.

This... is nice.
This has been... a good hour.
I just found myself drifting...

After a bit, I think Leo became suspicious.
"Um... Raph?"

I shot up, apologizing profusely.

"No..no, it's not that." He said softly, "Look."
Leo's arm left the blanket at pointed towards the sky beyond the tower.

Then, in the distance, I saw it.
Like rain fall, but gentler, a soft shimmer breezing through the dense clouds as snowflakes fell to the city. The skyline became flooded with specks of white, flushing the pale air from the streets with a crisp cool atmosphere.

"H-hey look! It's snowing!" I suddenly exclaimed, breaking the warm bond between us as I got up and stumbled towards the open roof to see the grandeur better.

"It's not so bad with the winds gone." I excitedly said as I came to overlook the streets below. Leo stepped up beside me, his eyes still glancing up now and then as the snow fell around us.

Again without thinking, I opened my mouth:
"We can stay a few more minutes..."

Trying hard to mask his glee,
Leo insisted that we didn't need to stay.
Trying hard to sound reasonable, I told him to shut up and enjoy damn snow.

He laughed, brought back down to earth by my silly comment.
We stood side by side, watching the sky fill with white.
Leo nudged me with his arm, silently saying thanks.

For an instant, the whole world seemed far away, like it was snowing just for us.
In that moment, with his cheeks flushed red and his lips frozen blue, he looked over at me and smiled.
It looked like he... wanted me to take his hand... and just lean in.
No. No that's just.... wishful thinking.

"Snow..." Leo said in a daze, captivated by the gentle beauty of the snowflakes.

We stood there in awe. Both mesmerized by the understated beauty of something simple and overlooked.

"So... how is it?" I asked tentatively after a few minutes.
Leo closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting the icy air of the new winter fill his lungs.
And in the most pure, dorky, please-make-fun-of-me way, said:
"It's magical."

I cringed and couldn't help but smile as I tugged at his arm and nagged him to let us go home.

Leo led the way, hurrying ahead of me and eager to get out of the dizzying cold.
Every few feet he'd declare how he'll never forget tonight.
"Neither will I." I'd mutter each time.

Somethings I will forget though:
In time, I'll forget about these feelings.
I'll move on. Find someone else.
Maybe that's for the best.
Nothing wrong with letting go.

Still... I'll remember.
I'll remember this night.
I'll remember when the city was caught between autumn and winter.
And I'll remember my first crush, just as he'll remember his first snow fall.
Always.

End.