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saarthaRight
#poetry
Published: 2016-06-19 00:03:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 3800; Favourites: 148; Downloads: 0
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Description Here's the bad news:
tomorrow
there will be a bird
on your doorstep.
Dead or dying, you think
it has something to do
with me. It does not.

There's the crux
you always think
the bird should rise up
and proclaim its killer,
its savior, should point out
which cat only watched and which
opened its mouth; which cat
is not a cat but a storm
or a window or another bird

and to be honest,
I would like these things too.

But it owes us only its death,
incapable of shaming
our compulsive involvement,
our need to make the bird
about ourselves.

You want to be jury
in an empty room. You want
to hold court
for every little thing
that makes you feel.



                                    The good news:
                                    walking in the woods,
                                    there were no birds left alive,
                                    not one.
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Comments: 39

Cin-Derr [2017-11-08 21:35:27 +0000 UTC]

Finally, a DD that's dark without the writing acting like they need more meds than a serial killer.

Congratulations, this one's well earned.

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atelene [2016-12-14 09:30:27 +0000 UTC]

gorgeous, especially when it approached the second half. the ultimate stanza is stunning, of course, but the penultimate stanza - there's just something about it. i love the voice; i love the tension and the build-up. i especially, especially love the philosophy.

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saartha In reply to atelene [2016-12-15 04:33:37 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for your lovely comment! I sometimes feel the jury stanza is a little too on-the-nose, but I like it enough that I'm unwilling to change it. Something to be said for directness, I suppose.

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Lintu47 [2016-12-05 16:16:24 +0000 UTC]

Congrats on the DD!
Have a nice day!

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LindArtz [2016-12-03 02:35:16 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on your much deserved DD!  Enjoy the limelight.

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takels [2016-12-01 20:11:02 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful   I love your use of imagery: especially how the metaphor of the bird is clear, yet subtle enough that the reader is engaged in it. For a developing writer, what techniques would you suggest for making a point like this intelligible, while not being heavy-handed about it? Asking because you did such a great job with this, and I'm in awe. 

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saartha In reply to takels [2016-12-02 08:24:53 +0000 UTC]

I cheat and decide on the symbol before the metaphor. The message of the poem is secondary to the imagery, for me. The whole process is something like adjusted automatism--think of pretty lines and then apply reality as needed.

In general it seems like heavy-handed writing is a matter of repetition. They make the point, then make it again, and again, until they run out of ways to phrase the same idea. I think each line should be a movement related to first idea presented. Y'know? Bogging down in something, examining it too closely, is a good way to become heavy. Touch on the idea and then move on in parallel or at an angle, deepening and widening the reader's understanding of the symbol rather than simply repeating the symbol.

Not to say you can't take an idea and then hyperfocus on it in a poem, but it's harder to keep control of.

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queenxmo69 [2016-12-01 11:32:06 +0000 UTC]

That's really dark. I like the part about not being here to judge anyone else, but what is the significance of dead birds?

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saartha In reply to queenxmo69 [2016-12-01 16:30:40 +0000 UTC]

A bird is 'every little thing that makes you feel', and there are no birds left alive. Pretty much just scathing commentary on the depth of thought the speaker attributes to the other person.

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LeviaDraconia [2016-12-01 02:35:25 +0000 UTC]

Congrats on the DD!

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BlackBowfin [2016-12-01 00:41:44 +0000 UTC]

Oh my... what you've done with this poem is really a remarkable thing. Congrats on the DD.

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saartha In reply to BlackBowfin [2016-12-01 17:11:13 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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MoonlightPokemon [2016-12-01 00:07:56 +0000 UTC]

Amazing and congratulations on the Daily Deviation!🙂👍

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TheJonyMyster [2016-11-30 22:29:37 +0000 UTC]

woah

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LostGryphin [2016-11-30 20:36:29 +0000 UTC]

Congrats on the DD

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JWA2277 [2016-11-30 18:30:23 +0000 UTC]

its... interesting.

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Nnaly [2016-11-30 16:09:12 +0000 UTC]

Congrats on the DD!

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Onistocke [2016-11-30 15:13:05 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on your Daily Deviation!

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catluvr2 [2016-11-30 14:31:25 +0000 UTC]

I had the odd feeling that the poem is told from the point of view of a cat.
Mind you, I might be a little bit biased...
Congrats on the DD!

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saartha In reply to catluvr2 [2016-12-01 16:19:50 +0000 UTC]

Haha! Wasn't my intention, but it's a cute idea.

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JWA2277 In reply to catluvr2 [2016-11-30 18:30:55 +0000 UTC]

agreed... the cat I speaking.

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VenetianCloud [2016-11-30 14:00:56 +0000 UTC]

Just read it out load. My new favourite poem. It's fricking fantastic. Best thing I read for months. Just. WOW. 

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saartha In reply to VenetianCloud [2016-12-01 16:25:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I have some issues with this poem but I do in general still like it.

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Zorbonaut [2016-11-30 12:56:47 +0000 UTC]

A nice one, but those last stanzas... I got shivers.

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saartha In reply to Zorbonaut [2016-12-01 16:24:36 +0000 UTC]

Love it when I get that feeling from poetry.

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LiliWrites [2016-11-30 08:18:19 +0000 UTC]

Ah fantastic. I love this one. Congrats on the DD! 

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saartha In reply to LiliWrites [2016-12-01 16:24:03 +0000 UTC]

I'm not fond of some sections in this, but I do still like the tone. Thank you!

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LiliWrites In reply to saartha [2016-12-02 07:55:08 +0000 UTC]

What are you not fond of? I'm curious.  

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saartha In reply to LiliWrites [2016-12-02 08:07:01 +0000 UTC]

The 'but it owes' stanza is clunky as hell. 

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LiliWrites In reply to saartha [2016-12-02 08:29:11 +0000 UTC]

It does stand out as a rough spot. Too much use of 'our'. Honestly, the first line could stand on its own, the rest removed, and nothing would be lost in the reading for me. 

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comatose-comet [2016-08-13 12:29:49 +0000 UTC]

this is stunning. I reread it so many times because it's seriously that good I'm not sure what type of poem it is, but I know I love you writing it

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saartha In reply to comatose-comet [2016-08-14 06:23:07 +0000 UTC]

Goodness, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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leyghan [2016-06-21 01:50:31 +0000 UTC]

Oh. This one got to me. Particularly, verses five and six. Beautifully expressed!

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saartha In reply to leyghan [2016-06-21 22:44:41 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I originally closed with an entirely different set of lines, but I'm glad I rewrote them. This way is much more suitable.

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JWA2277 In reply to saartha [2016-11-30 18:31:34 +0000 UTC]

May I see your original ending?

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saartha In reply to JWA2277 [2016-12-01 16:18:28 +0000 UTC]

Unfortunately I don't keep drafts. If I remember correctly it was a continuation of the judge-and-jury thought.

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JWA2277 In reply to saartha [2016-12-01 18:29:52 +0000 UTC]

it does sound like the current one is better.

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dragonflame45 [2016-06-19 06:54:52 +0000 UTC]

Dramatic monologue maybe? I'm not sure.

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saartha In reply to dragonflame45 [2016-06-20 01:38:28 +0000 UTC]

Close enough.

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