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ShadowWorldRed — Anew
#2015 #anew #formpoem #love #yeats #projectdfc #formchallenge #shadowworldred #yeatsoctave
Published: 2015-12-03 08:12:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 691; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 0
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I long to hold you close, my sweet.
For I must whisper in your ear,
The words I hope you wish to hear,
Upon the day when first we meet.
I'd love to hold your hand and squeeze -
Just a little, if you don't mind.
You could squeeze back, if so inclined -
Which just might send me to my knees.
The sky's the limit - We'll go far,
As we both fuel our shared ascent.
I'll strive to be a perfect Gent,
To match the Lady as you are.
We'll both be free to start anew,
Surrounded by what you've long missed,
That you may live, not just exist -
As this is what I dream for you.
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Comments: 27
Finally gotten this far in my inbox… Oh, Mick! 
…And my answer is YES.
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Aw, what an endearing, sweet, and touching poem! It's shy yet confident, bashful yet hopeful. This made me smile, thank you for that.
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Thank you for reading, and for your very nice comment! ❤
(hope ebbs and flows...)
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Reading and commenting on your writing delights me, so thank you for sharing your writing, creativity, thoughts, and ultimately, yourself with us. The very least I can do is read and comment on your submissions, be it your journal entries or writing, or anything you choose to submit for that matter.
Ah yes, hope is often an elusive being...clean tightly to her...as tightly as you can and always keep her in your sights...the world is uninhabitable without her otherwise. (tight hugs)
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My constant wish is to have more time to read, and comment on, the works of others. I am scrambling each day just to get the day's poem written, to reply to comments, and keep up with journals, etc. Indeed, I'm two poems behind already, and now 'plowable' snow is forecast for the coming week. I'll just have to persevere.
I must avoid being too clingy, of course. Nobody wants to feel chained.
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Likewise, Red, likewise. I wish I had more time to read, comment, favorite, etcetera on here. I hope you will get caught up really soon, the feeling of being swamped can be quite overwhelming.
I know what it's like to be on both ends...it isn't easy...finding the delicate balance between being close, but not smothering, and giving space/freedom, but not distant or detached...even then this balance varies from person to person... (hugs)
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I've been married twice. The balance was so different between my first and second wives that I never did strike it true with either of them.
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Which is why it is such a fragile and difficult to grasp balance...sometimes people don't communicate what they want or need and expect you to know, perhaps it was something along those lines...?
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Overall I liked this a lot. I think the rhyme works nicely, even though you say you have some sticky spots, with the wording chosen. Though I do agree that Which just might send me to my knees. is a bit clunky I did enjoy I'll strive to be a perfect Gent,/To match the Lady as you are.
And I agree with Bethie, We'll both be free to start anew,/Surrounded by what you've long missed,/That you may live, not just exist -/As this is what I dream for you. is simply divine.
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Thank you!
I'll rework the clunky bits soon!
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"That you may live and not exist."
Very, very, very beautiful.
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Thank you!
("...not just exist." 
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You're welcome.
(my bad)
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Overall this is a very lovely piece -- I wouldn't be disappointed if I were you!
There are a few rough places, if you're open to honest criticism...
"Which just might send me to my knees" seems just a little awkward. I get the idea, but it wants for different phrasing.
I feel like "I'll strive to be a perfect Gent,
To match the Lady as you are." feels like a bit of a clumsy grasp for a rhyme.
Just a suggestion here, but perhaps something like:
"We'll strive and thrive, never relent --
chase wishes behind shooting stars"
or something -- I don't know, again, just a suggestion!
But other than those two little things, I think this is a wonderful piece with a heart-caressing sentiment.
Also, I agree with betwixtthepages, those last four lines are to die for!
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You have highlighted the very spots that kept me up and working on the poem until two o'clock in the morning! Thank you for your suggestions. Once I have an opportunity to revisit this one, I'll make full use of your suggestions.
Thank you very much! I appreciate your critique, and I'm pleased that the last four lines worked, because those received the bulk of my fatigued attention.
I'm working on my next DFC poem now - as well as doing some surprise automotive work in the driveway. It's always something! I will likely end up burning the midnight oil once more.
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We'll both be free to start anew,
Surrounded by what you've long missed,
That you may live, not just exist -
As this is what I dream for you.
That second stanza as a whole is so sweet and tender, but those last four lines? Gorgeous. Nicely done!
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Thank you very much!
Reading it again after getting some sleep, I'm happier with it now than I was at two o'clock this morning!
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Sleep is good for that, I've found! I know I am not nearly as objective about things when I'm tired.
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Aw, finally a courteous love poem that I like!
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My favourite line was easily this: "That you may live, not just exist" It stood out a lot and made me smile
Great job
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Thank you! 
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You're very welcome. That makes it even sweeter
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