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#ascent #atmosphere #chemical #colorless #distance #element #elements #gas #he #helium #lift #love #odorless #rise #romance #tasteless #ascension
Published: 2015-11-01 20:49:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 1536; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 0
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You are helium to my soul, and I ascend, yet
Your scent to my senses remains odorless.
Tasteless are your lips, to mine; just as
My own reflection appears not in your eyes.
I see no color of your aura, radiating
From the electronic images of you that
I gaze upon longingly, and with increasing
Frequency.
Mine is an inert disguise; it hangs useless
In the closet, where colorless dreams sleep
Alongside nightmares like Big Bangs which
Empty my soul and torment me; is everything
Not real? I reach out and touch nothingness -
Infinite gas and vapor, cold blackness and dust...
Sunlight seeps in along the edges of a roller
Blind to give me sight as morning breaks and
Buoys me to rise again, spirited by Helios to
Cool my overheated fears and misunderstandings.
Crystal clear become the signals which pass
Through silicon chips in transit between us, though
The timbre of our voices will be different when
We first hear one another speak aloud,
Squeaking occasionally and accusing the relays.
The elements of love, though they surround us,
Are in fact very rare; love, like helium, is a
Finite resource - release it into the atmosphere and
It will escape into the vastness of outer space; yet
If love is held within we ascend, rising up and out of
One atmosphere and into another, where we might
Breathe again.
An at-a-distance love for you, I do breathlessly confess.
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Comments: 55
ShadowWorldRed In reply to ??? [2015-11-24 02:37:12 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for taking the time to write a critique!
You definitely recognized the direction I was trying to take this poem. Being my first Narrative poem, I played it safe all the way around. I was going for emotions and a personal message over poetic styling, and because I was truthfully writing it to one person, I didn't push structure and word selection as much as I would have had this been a less personalized piece.
I'm writing more poems to my muse, and with each one I'm giving more attention to word selection, flow, and balance.
Thanks again for this!
- Red
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
THECRIMSONPSYCHO In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-24 19:06:57 +0000 UTC]
Your very welcome XD aabd word selection was amazing how you tied your words together in such an beautiful way. I don't think I've ever seen someone write about love that way. I definitely could never get close to decribing love in such an unique and pure fashion. It was a great work. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
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TheeArtist85 [2018-01-13 22:09:26 +0000 UTC]
Love your poem....I myself want to get into writing more!
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to MagicalJoey [2015-11-13 22:17:51 +0000 UTC]
No worries! ツ I appreciate faves of course, but I don't ever expect them.
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MagicalJoey In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-13 22:28:09 +0000 UTC]
I personally prefer comments, though it is nice to have people wanting to save my work for viewing at a later date.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to MagicalJoey [2015-11-13 22:45:39 +0000 UTC]
I do like to display my selected favourites for others to see.
I've just added the critique request, along with a relevant comment in the Author's Description. Being critiques-minded is something I wish to get in the habit of. ツ
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MagicalJoey In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-13 22:53:26 +0000 UTC]
I see so. It's always nice to have some questions on hand for people to critique by. Some people ignore them, others prefer them to help them along.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to MagicalJoey [2015-11-13 23:02:29 +0000 UTC]
I'll accept any constructive critique I receive, and consider it all. ツ
Beginning this weekend, I'll be offering some as well, one step at a time.
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cholie [2015-11-13 07:19:38 +0000 UTC]
Perhaps not an original idea, however you took it, owned it, made it your own, and ran with it, masterfully so.
So evocative, relatable, the longing in this piece is so artfully expressed that I can taste it. It tastes of mixed emotions.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to cholie [2015-11-13 14:18:46 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much! ❤
Our emotions often end up being mixed about most things, don't they? It is likely most often true in affairs of the heart. The knowing of someone on some levels but not on others is frustrating to me, and leaves so many crucial elements missing from the mix that it can leave all other elements seeming as just a dream.
Thanks again for reading, and for your thoughts. ツ
Mick
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cholie In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-13 17:16:20 +0000 UTC]
You are most welcome.
Too true, that is why often times it is not good to solely rely on them when making decisions. Indeed, the affairs of the heart have so many elements in play. I could not agree more. I can relate to your poem. Everything you expressed in this poem comes with the territory of caring for someone who you met online.
Thank you for sharing your words, your art, your creativity, your artistic process, and most importantly, yourself.
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DailyLitRecognition [2015-11-13 05:42:02 +0000 UTC]
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLR (Daily Literature Recognition) in a news article that can be found here . Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to DailyLitRecognition [2015-11-13 14:21:10 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much! ❤
I appreciate the entire DLR team, and I'm thrilled to see the group rebound!
I'll do my part to keep things going and growing here.
Mick
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DailyLitRecognition In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-15 02:16:21 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome!
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StrangelyShiny [2015-11-10 00:08:54 +0000 UTC]
This was quite invigorating, so many thoughts raised in my mind. I pictured a trapped soul, feeling like life was just moving along with no meaning, split apart from the things that made the soul happy. A sad image, yet one that can be related to by many people.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to StrangelyShiny [2015-11-11 18:15:53 +0000 UTC]
I'm impressed that you drew out of this an element I was trying not to write into it, yet knew was threaded through it because it's basically part of who I am - I doubt myself a lot. I've often felt like the child who stands in front of a store display window, wanting what is on display but feeling sad at the idea that it won't come to be.
I'm pleased to say that the actual relationship this is based on is ascending higher than I had believed possible, much to my amazement and joy.
Thank you for reading, and for your comment.
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StrangelyShiny In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-11 20:55:14 +0000 UTC]
You're very welcome!
I know that feeling and so do many others. I'm on DA a lot if the need for a shoulder to rest on ever arises.
I'm so happy to hear that! <3
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StrangelyShiny In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-11 23:11:42 +0000 UTC]
And thank you for the watch~!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ShadowWorldRed In reply to StrangelyShiny [2015-11-12 00:32:03 +0000 UTC]
The same to you! ツ
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TheUnsquishedGoomba [2015-11-07 20:26:18 +0000 UTC]
I'll admit right now - most poetry simply flies right over my head. Perhaps I simply don't 'get it'. However, with this piece I believe I understand the ideas that you are trying to convey, which is a large plus mark in your favour.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ShadowWorldRed In reply to TheUnsquishedGoomba [2015-11-07 20:51:22 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Narrative poetry is probably the most accommodating form to both read and write since it's closest to straightforward prose. Still, I've learned that there are some important do's and don't's with Narrative just as with other forms. I've been told I did quite well with this one. Love is likely the most common subject ever for poetry, and our frequent (constant) thoughts about love and relationships offer some fine opportunities to be creative with words.
Thank you for reading it, I appreciate your comment!
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nightshade-keyblade [2015-11-07 01:47:57 +0000 UTC]
Who says originality is necessary for quality? This is definitely proof of the contrary
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to nightshade-keyblade [2015-11-07 19:22:34 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!
To me the real challenge is not in finding an original subject, but in telling a story in a different way, so as to help someone appreciate or understand the story (and any lesson within) from a different perspective.
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BrendaCarriere [2015-11-05 21:44:18 +0000 UTC]
Rise and shine!
May there be much musing.
Oh, and of course your voices will squeak! It's what Helium does.
Heartwarming, in case that wasn't clear yet from my rambling.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ShadowWorldRed In reply to BrendaCarriere [2015-11-05 22:17:41 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, kind sir - rising and shining I am!
I also amuse myself by musing upon my muse's bemusement of musicals.
Many years ago I worked at a party supply business. Before answering the ring of the service door's bell, I'd inhale some helium. I'd then open the door and greet the visitor. Rarely did I fail to get at least a smile, if not a hearty laugh! Over time, I inhaled so much helium I'm surprised I didn't end up halfway to Mars!
She warms my heart, indeed! This warms my words, in turn.
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AlwaysTheFlawedOne [2015-11-03 21:52:52 +0000 UTC]
I think this is beautiful. I hope your muse likes it too. I'm sure she will.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to AlwaysTheFlawedOne [2015-11-04 04:26:10 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
She loves it! I got carried away and wrote a short story to my muse today.
I'm down to just one prompt/contest story, and it's not due until late November. I'm going to focus on catching up on my reading this month, and that includes your work!
Thanks again!
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AlwaysTheFlawedOne In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-04 04:29:12 +0000 UTC]
Yay! I have one prompt I'm thinking about. I look forward to you reading my work. Thanks you!
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to AlwaysTheFlawedOne [2015-11-04 16:46:29 +0000 UTC]
I have to rake leaves and help work on a car today - the last warm-ish day of the year, it sounds like. Temps drop tomorrow, chasing me indoors more. But That'll be my reading time!
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AlwaysTheFlawedOne In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-04 21:49:12 +0000 UTC]
I love working on cars. When I was pregnant with my middle son I changed out an engine with my ex. I don't remember anything of that now. I love getting greasy. Don't like raking leaves, though. Blech.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to AlwaysTheFlawedOne [2015-11-05 01:32:28 +0000 UTC]
I've done a few engine swaps, including helping put a V-8 into a Chevy Vega wagon. That thing scooted!
Leaves raked; I'll probably do it again in a few days after some rain.
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AlwaysTheFlawedOne In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-05 01:44:21 +0000 UTC]
I hate raking and snow shoveling too!
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to SootheNoo1959 [2015-11-04 04:27:53 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much, Susan! I'll return to your work soon and write my very best comments!
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copper9lives [2015-11-02 20:16:30 +0000 UTC]
Breathing (Oxygen)
You open my eyes
Wide with inspiration
Sharp inhalation
That fans the flames
Guttering blue within
Without touch, without form
You feed my suffocating
Fading spirit
Suffuse me with light
Volatile, together
We burn golden
Corona dancing
In defiance of the darkness
And life-stealing cold
Of entropy
Love and life and light burn bright
In the aegis of the night
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to copper9lives [2015-11-05 18:31:23 +0000 UTC]
Lift (Anti-Gravity Heart)
I reach for your hand
We are taken aloft
fluttering emotions
Orbiting hearts
An uncharted enterprise
soaring spirits
Resurrecting bruised souls
Bathed in sunlight
Where Space begins
Remains uncertain
Just as does
The course we'll fly
Earth below hails
inviting our return
The sun warms us; the moon pulls
We land; our hearts remain in flight
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copper9lives In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-07 01:37:57 +0000 UTC]
Flying in Dreams
Behind closed eyes
Gravity is mutable
Time and space negligible
Across which we reach,
But flying is hard;
Each effort yielding smaller results
But repeated, over and over
In dire and implacable need…
Such is human nature.
Now, when the cliff's edge crumbles
When the slide to oblivion starts
When the mechanism of flight
Falters in the light of doubt
Hold me in the darkness of dreams
And I will wake laughing
Buoyed aloft by joy.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
copper9lives [2015-11-02 19:51:10 +0000 UTC]
Ohhhhhhhh, Red… I need better words to respond to this… I need more sunlight within me to start the fusion required to answer…
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to copper9lives [2015-11-02 20:52:51 +0000 UTC]
You've just inspired the foundation for Ascension II.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ShadowWorldRed In reply to ScarletPhoenixBox [2015-11-02 02:47:18 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
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OfOneSoul [2015-11-02 00:29:22 +0000 UTC]
Seriously... this is by far my favorite work of yours so far.
It's so fluid and your language is both romantic and tragic. Although this is obviously an ode to someone - your words create an eerily beautiful atmosphere that causes it to read (for me) like a romantic tragedy. I LOVED IT. FIVE STARS ALL THE WAY AROUND!
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to OfOneSoul [2015-11-02 01:23:11 +0000 UTC]
Oh my. Thank you very much! Yes, she is special alright. If all required elements mix, she and I will meet some day, hopefully soon. I've not written to a Muse before recently, and I do find it to bring out a part of my writing which has previously sat dormant. Knowing that you appreciate this effort as you do is huge to me!
The trick is to find the right Muse - which I'm certain I have. Thanks again, dear!
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OfOneSoul In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-11-04 15:45:31 +0000 UTC]
I do believe I have my muse...
- he just farts in bed. I admit... it's a-MUSE-ing.
I know. I'm terrible.
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ShadowWorldRed In reply to OfOneSoul [2015-11-04 16:41:43 +0000 UTC]
A muse so farty?
How amusing!
Her laughs are hearty,
As he is snoozing!
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