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Sharquelle — Aronansa Chapter001
#fanfic #fanfiction #fantasy #fantasyfanfic #fantasystory #tes #theelderscrolls #tamriel #sharquelle
Published: 2013-09-08 21:10:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 4157; Favourites: 57; Downloads: 177
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Description
Chapter 001 ~ Black, Silver And Green
Chapter 002 ~ Of Blood And Silver sharquelle.deviantart.com/art/…
Complete chapter indexsharquelle.deviantart.com/gall…
Revised lay-out, updated on 27/04/15 (more info: Level up! )
Don’t you just hate it when one of your favorite NPC’s is destined to die? And don’t you just hate it if you’re 'forced' to team-up with a side you don’t want to join? Well, I did, and since I cannot change the game; I changed the story
The result is a cocktail; a mixture of Bethesda’s creativity, blackberry, my own creativity, honey, my frustration with the storyline and ( the lack of) character development, spiced wine, many hours of work and a touch of nightshade... perfectly safe, I assure you!Disclaimer Lore:
You might recognize a lot of details from the game and the lore. Matters that are not provided by the official lore, I made up myself and are based on information that actually is available. Some details, certain dialogues and characters have been altered to better fit the story. I write everything in such a way that would make it still readable and enjoyable for people who have never played Skyrim, or any other TES-game. So even though this is officially a fanfiction, I aim to write it as a fantasy story. Descriptions of races, locations and canon lore will be provided in the story in an informative yet immersive way.
Disclaimer Content:
As the story progresses you will will see my links to the so called 'uncut' version of certain chapters. Those versions do contain explicit material. The standard version can be suggestive at certain points but won't face you with anything 'shocking' and is safe to read for both teens and adults. The 'uncut' chapters are not suitable for minors, due to explicit content. Choose the style you prefer, or the version that you are allowed to read according to your mature content settings.
PDF file:
I upload my work as a PDF file, if your browser tells you that it does not support this type of file (some mobile devices tend to do that) you can select the file and download it. Or, when using a computer or laptop, you can click the download button on the top right of your screen. All phones, tablets, computers and laptops should be able to open the downloaded file. This also makes it possible for you to read my work offline and/or print it if you don't like reading large amounts of text from a computer screen. (like I do 
I love your fav's! I love your comments! Especially drawn for this arc in the story is this commissioned 'poster' by ChloexBowie and several fan-art illustrations.
Many thanks to the amazing ferret82 and Buntcone for helping me in my quest to kill typo's and grammatical scr*w-ups and a big hug to DeniseCroy for her professional advice and support!
Aronansa, the Phantoms and their symbol, the story and the scenes as they are written © Sharquelle
Skyrim, Mercer Frey, Vekel, Brynjolf, Vipir, Delvin Mallory, Vex, Tonilia, Vald © Bethesda
Related content
Comments: 56
Never mind, turns out you don't have the PDF option on the mobile app
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After months and months of seeing the art work, chapter headers (is that what the Ah-Ronaan-Sah dragon script pieces are called?), and speaking to you once or twice, I finally buckled down and installed a PDF reader on my mobile to read your (in?)famous story.
Having said that, I found the first chapter, though brief in the time span it covers, to be quite the opener. I love the old fashioned artistic letter you have at the beginning, especially since its an A (one of my initials). There are a few places where your word choice, punctuation, and sentence flow don't quite make sense. I know I would have written it differently and there would be several changes in the structure if I had gone through and picked at it. But it is your piece and I did enjoy it. Your descriptions and small attentions to detail, though at many times brief, still added to the tale and I look forward to reading further.
I'm going on a trip where WiFi and general Internet access won't be available, so I'm glad you made these readable offline through PDFs. You've provided much better offline reading material than my old Wattpad did. Thank you and keep writing!
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Perhaps, the structure is off because she is not a native speaker.
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Um, I'm not sure how to reply to that except that I already know that she isn't a native English speaker and that I didn't mean anything by it, other than her writing is a little different than what I'm used to.
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First of all, let’s get two things out of the way : I don’t like fantasy and I don’t like fanfiction. You have been warned. However, I will, of course, put those considerations aside and judge this for its own value.
You do a good job setting characters and places up – it feels quite real and present. The protagonists seem to have known each other for a long time and share a bond, their relationship with each other works and is natural and funny.
I would advise you not to describe so much. When your MC stares at that man she feels attracted too, it can be fine, since we see him through her own eyes while she is detailing him. However, when you describe her armour, it would be better to scatter elements in the text that let the reader show how it is (e.g., “she reached for her pouch bandolier”) rather than just describing it all in one go. To me, precise descriptions are not as important in a story as the general outline of the character – I believe the reader will always do a better job with his imagination than if you try to give him all the details at once.
The biggest problem you have in this text is punctuation.
You don’t need full stops at the end of a sentence when someone talks and you continue with “he said” or “she said” (e.g. “That’s how she is.” she said – is wrong. The correct way is “That’s how she is” she said.)
Don’t use double punctuation (“?!”) it makes your text look amateurish.
You put semi colons where commas should be and your sentences are sometimes fragmented for no reason. I collected all the sentences that are problematic so you can see what I’m trying to say.
It was her little waking up ritual; she could hear the water dripping down from the well above the Cistern. Somewhere, deep in the Ratway she could hear two skeevers arguing. Nearby, book pages being turned. Turning herself onto her other side, to take a look around.
It was her little waking up ritual. She could hear the water dripping down from the well above the cistern; somewhere, deep in the Ratway, she could her two skeevers arguing and nearby, book pages being turned. She turned herself on her other side to take a look around.
For a moment she closed her eyes; smelling the food and drinks in Vekel’s kitchen.
For a moment, she closed her eyes, smelling the food and drinks in (from) Vekel’s kitchen.
It had been a hilarious moment; when she dropped the ugly thing onto his table and told him how and why.
It had been a hilarious moment when she had dropped the ugly thing on his table and told him how and why.
The outfit was made of brown leather. Fitted with a pouch bandolier, that allowed her to store her equipment, as well as her profits; whilst keeping her hands free
The outfit was made of brown leather and was fitted with a pouch bandolier that allowed her to store her equipment as well as her profits, whilst keeping her hands free.
It was fastened around the waist and neck, with brass buckled belts. Just like the matching leather boots.
It was fastened around the waist and neck with brass buckled belts, just like the matching leather boots.
The Guildmaster’s armor was the most recognizable; black with silver ornaments.
The Guildmaster’s armour was the most recognisable, black with silver ornaments. (the differences in spelling are just my British English so don’t pay attention to that)
Walking towards the entrance of the Ragged Flagon, she passed Mercer’s desk. Greeting him without slowing down her pace; it was unusual for him to reply to such matters, so she could not be bothered to wait around for it.
Walking towards the entrance of the Ragged Flagon, she passed Mercer’s desk, greeting him without slowing down her pace. It was unusual for him to reply to such matter, so she could not be bothered to wait around for it.
It was sweet and rich in flavor, nothing like sour stuff what he would normally serve them; probably the spoils of some heist that Vex pulled off => here you use the semi colon correctly.
she rested her head on the top of the bar; symbolizing her thoughts on the matter.
She rested her head on the top of the bar, symbolising her thoughts on the matter.
Holding a glass of wine in each hand she took a deep breath. Overthinking what she was going to say to the boss, as she walked towards his desk.
Holding a glass of wine in each hand, she took a deep breath, overthinking what she was going to say to the boss as she walked towards his desk.
For a moment she questioned her own sanity; agreeing to this thankless task.
For a moment she questioned her own sanity for agreeing to this thankless task.
But she was too proud to just give up without making an effort! (this has no reason to be in italic)
Aronansa took herself a seat on his desk; ignoring his disapproving stare and sigh. It was the only way she could annoy him without actually being disrespectful. As was her intention; she never questioned him, or his leadership.
Aronansa took a seat on his desk, ignoring his disapproving stare and sigh. It was the only way she could annoy him without actually being disrespectful – which was not her intention. She never questioned him or his leadership.
Returning after a finished job; there was nothing as relaxing as a strong ale or mead in the Flagon whilst playing cards, even if it would cost her half of her profits.
Returning after a finished job, there was nothing as relaxing as drinking a strong ale or mead in the Flagon while playing cards, even it would cost her half her profits.
“Don’t let me hold you back…” he empowered his sarcastic response by raising the glass of wine she had brought him; making a toasting gesture.
“Don’t let me hold you back” he said, enhancing his sarcastic response by raising the glass of wine she had brought him in a toasting gesture.
She liked that scent. (italics are used when representing the inside thoughts of the character out of quote marks and/or something they remember someone else saying – but you must use the first person. I like that sent.)
On the left side of his hip he carried his blade; it was made of Dwarven metal and surrounded by a powerful magic aura. Heavy but well balanced; it would make a most deadly weapon in capable hands.
One the left side of his hip he carried his blade, made of Dwarven metal and surrounded by a powerful magic aura; heavy but well balanced, it would make a most deadly weapon in capable hands.
It was as if she was looking at a dance; a lethally elegant one. => again, correct use of semi colon
She wondered who was skilled enough to give him that scar?
She wondered who had been skilled enough to give him that scar(no need for a question mark, it’s indirect speech).
“We are not the Dark Brotherhood…” he said that all too often. (it’s either italics or quote marks, but not both, unless you want to put stress on a word e.g. “He did what?” and that has to be used sparingly )
And Mercer made it to the very top. She herself still remembered every detail of her first kill; it happened some years earlier => correct for semi colon, but it HAD happened ...
It was a clean kill; the arrow had pierced right through his neck and he bled out in seconds. => correct
When retrieving her arrow; she had felt the warm blood on her fingers, it tasted salty and metallic.
When retrieving her arrow, she had felt the warm blood on her fingers ; it tasted salty and metallic.
Would the boss remember his first kill just as vivid? Would he remember it with pride… or shame? (vividly. And no italics, unless you use “does the boss…” because these are thoughts she is thinking at the moment the action is happening, so, to her, it’s the present).
Her eyes hesitantly followed the silver buckles from his bandolier, up to the reinforced shoulderpads displaying the silver key and dagger; the insignia of the Guild. . From the silver studs that marked the edges and showed his rank, up to the seam of his collar. Where the black leather of his armor contrasted with the tone of his skin.
Her eyes hesitantly followed the silver buckles from his bandolier up to the reinforced shoulder pads displaying the silver key and dagger, insignia of the Guild, then from the silver studs that marked the edges and showed his rank up to the seam of his collar, where the black leather of his armour contrasted with the tone of his skin.
Her body trembled, overwhelmed by the emotional chaos raging inside of her; fear, embarrassment, vigilance all mixed with a somewhat curious uncertainty. => correct for semi colon
She could not avoid his gaze any longer; when her amber-colored, fox-like eyes met the intense green of his own; her cheeks started burning, becoming red with embarrassment for her shameless staring.
She could not avoid his gaze any longer; when her amber coloured, fox-like eyes met the intense green of his own, her cheeks started burning, becoming red with embarrassment for her shameless staring.
Suddenly, his green eyes released their grasping effect. Abruptly ending the spell, as he broke the connection; instantly throwing her back to reality.
Suddenly, his green eyes released their grasping effect, abruptly ending the spell, as he broke the connection and instantly threw her back to reality.
Mercer gulped down his wine, avoiding her eyes as he pulled over his hood and made his way towards the exit of the Cistern; the grinding sound of the heavy stone slab moving, echoed through the deserted space.
Mercer gulped down his wine, avoiding her eyes as he pulled over his hood and made his way towards the exist of the Cistern; the grinding sound of the heave stone slab moving echoed through the deserted space.
As Vald entered the hallway he could see his boss standing by the front door. Wearing the black leather armor that was his usual attire; his face hidden under his hood whilst clenching his fists was however very unusual.
As Vald entered the hallway, he saw his boss standing by the front door. He was wearing his black leather armour as usual, but his hood was on, and he was clenching his fists.
These problems aside, you still do a good job at setting things up for the rest of the story.
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Awesome! 
I will sit down for this and come up with a proper response later (and adjustments! 
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No problem, take your time... I did write a lot XD
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Yes you did, and I am grateful for every word! And I also feel so sorry for you that the initial text was lost because I can only imagine that it must have taken you a lot of time. I initially planned to quote your text and then add my adjustments to it as a comment. But I think actions speak louder than words so I dragged myself to my computer instead and started the proces of applying everything you said to everything that I wrote.
- Changed the point of view and the choice of words of that particular description to make it read like a natural observation
- Edited the unnecessary full stops
- Fixed the Italics
- Removed the double punctuation, unless it is used in a dialogue and adds value
- Removed the unnecessary semi colons
- Fixed all the sentences that you have quoted
- Fixed the other 96 uploaded literary works in my gallery (on that now
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Don't worry about time, it's always time well spent when used to help
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Please ignore the comment, my tablet crashed midway and all that was left were a few sentences. I'll get back to you when I've fixed the issue
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Sorry for being late D: I'm going to try and do this right now ! I'm only annoyed everything I Had written got deleted XD seriously
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Turning herself onto her other side, to take a look around.
Fitted with a pouch bandolier, that allowed her to store her equipment, as well as her profits; whilst keeping her hands free.
It was fastened around the waist and neck, with brass buckled belts. Just like the matching leather boots.
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Okay so I've seen so many artworks on this (which are absolutely stunning <3) and I already have a feeling that your story will be just as amazingly well done. I'm going to start reading this series, like rn.
But, I'm on mobile at the moment, and may I ask how I'll be able to read Aronansa on here? It only shows the picture.
I can't contain my excitement gdi
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You can download the chapter and then read them as a PDF, that works on phones as well as tablets.
I hope you'll have just as much fun reading this story as I enjoy writing it!
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OKAY AWESOME that the story is in Skyrim! I hadnt gotten that detail im sorry, and I dont have time to read it right now, but I will save it and only from the first few sentences I understand I will enjoy it immensely!
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Jaaay, that puts a huge smile on my face!
Take your time and I hope you'll have just as much fun reading the story as I enjoy writing it!
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I've been seeing chapters of this tale posted everywhere, and fanart commissioned for it for ages. And I must say, I absolutely love what it is that you've done with the Thieves' Guild here. In-game, the Thieves Guild is rapidly becoming one of my favorite guilds to be a part of. Though I don't quite share your appreciation for Mercer- the whole 'trying to stab you' thing kind of wrecked it for me- I love the depth of characterization you've given him.
Your descriptions are extremely vivid, and really paint a gorgeous sense-picture of where Aronansa is. It's also good to see Bosmer characters about in main character positions- Nords, Bretons and Altmer have dominated main character places in other stories I've seen. I love how you address Bosmeri culture with her actions and attitudes towards certain things like wine. It makes me think and realize that I could probably do better with referencing Bosmeri culture/beliefs (or her differences from) with my main character as well.
All of your characters feel very real, and I positively adore it. I'll be sure to continue reading further chapters when I'm not working on final exams/writing my own things.
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First of all... 
Ahahaha, yeah 'Nansa' is leaving fingerprints behind in many places. It is a good thing they don't use fingerprints to identify criminals in Skyrim.
I love the Thieves Guild... as you might have noticed. And even though I was kind of disappointed with the original character development; it did allow me to go hogwild myself. So, I guess I have to thank Bethesda not only for the awesome game. But also for providing me with all that freedom to play and create with all those lovely kleptomaniacs.
I actually love it when people don't like Mercer, or even when they dislike him with the same eagerness as they would dislike a rabid skeever. 
Thank you very much for that amazing compliment! When I read a book, I love it when the writer can describe to me a location in such a way that I can see it in my head but still have enough freedom to use my own imagination. That is something I really try to create in my own stories as well so when people enjoy my descriptions of that I am soooo happy.
I love the diversity in races of the TES universe, and the Bosmer race holds a special place in my heart. To me they resemble something best describes as 'approachable yet exotic.' They are 'human' enough to identify yourself with them and 'alien' enough to be intrigued by their culture, religion and appearance. Another Bosmer-fan I see? Wahhhh, I love it! More Bosmer-love!
Hurray!!! Again, thank you so very much for reading and commenting. That really means a lot to me and I hope you will enjoy my other chapters, specials and what's to come! And good luck with your exams, of course! And your own writing!
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I stopped by because a friend recommended this story for me to read, after I complained that I don't ever find any good Skyrim fan fiction. I was very intrigued and not in the slightest disappointed!
First of all, let me say I have much respect for everyone who writes outside their mother tongue.
I have never played the Thieves Guild questline before, and therefore if I proceed at all, I must do it cautiously. Nevertheless I had a good time reading this. You have a certain style with a great attention to detail, which I enjoyed. These characters I don't really know much about, but you could grasp something about them so well that I could feel their personality. This is a story with character.
It felt like coming home every time. This was her new family.
I could feel this myself before you even wrote it down, and that's a +1.
It was her little waking up ritual;
This stood up to me about your character- is she a ritualistic kind of person?
You have done a great job constructing an aura of a classic Byronian hero around Mercer. That Aronansa sees him in this light, I am not surprised and it makes perfect sense to me. For an A+, I would love to see this aura gradually deconstructed in one way or the other in later chapters (just writing my readerly expectations at this early point).
There were a few sentences that I would have punctuated differently, let me quickly grab a typical example
there was nothing as relaxing as a strong ale or mead in the Flagon whilst playing cards. Even if it
would cost her half of her profits.
I would only break this up into two sentences if I want to achieve some kind of really dramatic effect. Otherwise this is what I would typically contract into one sentence, with a dash or a semicolon or so.
I forgot where, but there was a small typo with the word "intentions" someplace
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First of all, thank you so very much for taking the time to give such an in-depth response. That makes me so happy! (imagine some crazy Dutch person that is making silly squeaking sounds with an ear-to-ear smirk to the point that I hope no one is recording it)
I love English as a language, not just because it is ‘the universal language’ that allows you to reach a large public. But also because it so rich in options to express yourself. But being able to make yourself understandable and writing a novel is quite a difference. It is challenging, but also incredibly rewarding and more important; so much fun!
I use the Thieves Guild questline from the game, but I add/remove/change quite a lot. Not just because I want to come up with alternatives to the original. But also because I don’t think it would be very enjoyable for the reader (or for me
I’m really happy that you mentioned you were able to feel their personality. That really means a lot to me, because one of the biggest frustrations I had was the absolute LACK of personality I found with the existing characters in the game. They triggered me, I wanted to get to know them and then I found out there was nothing there… fine, then I’ll do it myself! 
She is indeed a little ritualistic. I don’t know if you prefer to find such things out yourself or if you are ok with me mentioning them . So I will keep it a little basic. Aronansa (Nansa for friends
You’re the first one naming him a Byronian hero and for that I salute and thank you! So this and this 
Oh, and any grammar-advice and typo-assassination is very much appreciated! Really it does! Soon as I’m back home I’m going to change that particular sentence and I will be searching for that typo and kill it with fire! 
Again, thank you very much for giving such a positive, attentive and in-depth comment. That really means a lot! And give your friend a hug from me as well!
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wow this is amazing! I'm really glad I finally got around to reading this, cant wait to read more
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Jay, I'm so happy that you like it and that you took the time to comment, thank you!
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Finally got to reading it. Hm, nice, nice!
I love your style and I'm very curious what will happen! I think I found something to read besides the Foundation series!
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Wuhoo, thank you!
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I’m starting this over since it’s been so long since I last read.
She’s got it bad for the guild master, and methinks that nobody’s been this forward with him in a loooong time judging by his barrel destruction at the end. I haven’t played the TG quests so your representation is going to be the one I get.
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Whahaha!
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I really liked you characterization of Mercer. The scene between Aronansa and Mercer was subtle, yet very sexy. You did a great job of building tension between the two characters. I also liked the way you broke the scene with Vald's entrance--it leaves the reader wanting more.
I'd break up the first paragraph a bit. Maybe have the first be a description of her waking, her routine and smells around her (great descriptions) and then have another paragraph describing her most recent job. Just a few other tips: space between your paragraphs, and I'd stick to one form of indentation.
I would say this a very strong first effort (your grocery lists must have been quite impressive)
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Thank you so very much!
Good point, I will 'break' the paragraph soon as I get back home, tomorrow afternoon. I think that will indeed look better. My chapters (and paragraphs) are rather large. So that is why I use the layout to that of a book, with a 'shift-enter' when I switch POV or a brief time span and an actual 'enter' when I start a new paragraph. (that is a new scene most of the time) If I would us an actual 'enter' everytime I switched between speakers, these chapters would turn in a massive list.
Oh, could you explain me what you mean with the indents? I was taught to use that specific indent with the first line of every new paragraph, as with the part "When she entered the Flagon, Aronansa noticed most of her friends had the night off." Or is that not what you meant?
Hmmm, maybe I should publish my grocery lists. If I am lucky, someone will make a movie of it some day.
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Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've been crazy busy.
Paragraph two has an indentation as does 10. I either indent all of the paragraphs or none.
I know it would make your chapters long if you spaced in between each paragraph, but I think it would be easier to read.
Let me know if you have any more questions
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For this old-fashioned bookwurm it just doesn't work. It was a huge immersion-killer to me to try and read it like that and I lost track of where I was constantly. It reminded me to a movie-script or stageplay-script, where everything is heavily spaced and accentuated so the different actors can use a marker to learn their own lines. If I look at other writings, the ones with a book lay-out make it easier to read and are visually more appealing to me.
Thanks a lot though!
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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Finally FINALLY I got to read the whole chapter. Loving it so far. I really can't wait to read the next one. I just love how much detail you put into... well... everything! I feel like I'm there. And I think you got me to think about older gentlemen in a new light.
(I have the first 10 chapters loaded on my tablet, so I have something to read on the bus.
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Thank you so very much! It is such a huge compliment to read that I was able to 'take you there!' Also, thanks for commenting, it means a lot to me! I hope you will enjoy your busride!
Now now, Mercer... no! She did not call you 'old!' She said 'older gentlemen,' as in mature; it was a compliment.
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You're welcome!
Yes, Mercer, that is what I meant. I meant "mature," I swear! IT WAS A COMPLIMENT!
<---- does not want to get on his bad side.
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Awww, I'll tell Nansa to keep him occupied... that usually works wonders for his mood.
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so thats why u wanted to ask me , this is skyrim .... like i said no problem skyrim and D&D have much in common
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I think so too, I used to be part of a D&D group (until I found it a good idea to move to the middle of nowhere
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oh heck i done weird things to D&D as well , i am not really a DM or anything i just enjoy sitting in the back making up storys from the D&D dungeon master books or makeing up systems, i am playing around with the neverwinter nights setting mashed with science friction. its the PC game mostly.
least i know you are refering to the elder scrolls ... yeah i have played it
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Hahaha, another rebel! My DM was quite p*ssed that I bought myself the Monster Manual. I bought it because I loved all the background info but I guess he didn't liked the idea of not being the only one with that info. I did not care about the inside info but he didn't believed me. So I kept my mouth shut about the DM Manual I bought with it... whahaha. 
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i check this later , i been haveing my hands full with mass effect , havent touched skyrim in a while
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LoL rebel ? haha
yeah you can say that just to make it clear i kinda did neverwinter nights x mass effect/star ocean a game from square enix , i do have a few PDF of the D&D guidebooks.
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It's nice to see some Mercer love. I'm gonna read this one later
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Hihi, I hope you'll like it
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Yeahm I do :3 I'm reading it now
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Jay, I'm all happy now!
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