HOME | DD

shinghand — Raindrop
Published: 2008-11-18 12:33:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 156; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 2
Redirect to original
Description (i)
I look up
clouds loom ominously in the sky
like a dull gray portrait of doom.
Apprehensive; it casts a dark shadow
of blackest absolute doubt.
A light rain falls
tiny beads of crystal strike my body
piercing my soul, pitter-patter
It echoes in my head:
The sound and stench of failure.

(ii)
Finally the clouds clear.
Long, large drops of rain
slowly trickle down rooftops.
It has a faint rhythm to it;
Drip, drip, drip : a silent reminder.
Rainwater creeps into the drains,
taking with it my sorrow
as people begin to reemerge
from their dwellings.
Related content

[ TEXT ]


shinghand - After Class
Comments: 7

parentheses [2009-02-27 03:29:29 +0000 UTC]

I was a bit concerned at first with your opener about clouds looming ominously -- it's a bit of an expected image. Maybe something a little more surprising and unexpected would be a good opener?

Once it gets started though, things pick up a lot. I really like "blackest absolute doubt" and the dripping being a "silent reminder", as well as the uplifting but subtle ending.

Also "pitter-patter"; it's what I expect to hear when people are talking about the rain. I'm sure you could come up with something better. Especially given this was a first attempt at poetry for a while; it's got some amazing imagery. And I like the way it starts out kind of slow moving, as though clouds are gathering, and then you use short and striking words once the rain starts, and then things slow down again for a calm end. Probably I'm talking rubbish, but I liked it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shinghand In reply to parentheses [2009-02-27 15:31:08 +0000 UTC]

I agree with the initial image being quite ordinary - I may get around to altering this when I have more time to do it, right now I'm swamped : P "pitter-patter" was used because I thought it might add some flow to it; (seeing as it continues with something about sound) but now that I look at it again, yeah, probably don't really need that.

Thank you for your comment!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

b1gfan [2008-11-19 02:50:37 +0000 UTC]

very cool especially if it's been a while since your last poem

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shinghand In reply to b1gfan [2008-11-19 16:10:55 +0000 UTC]

Yes it has..

But inspirations a funny thing isn't it?

Thanks!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

b1gfan In reply to shinghand [2008-11-20 05:04:53 +0000 UTC]

quite so

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

C0nv3rseLov3rWrit3s [2008-11-18 20:32:59 +0000 UTC]

awesome.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shinghand In reply to C0nv3rseLov3rWrit3s [2008-11-19 16:10:10 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0