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ShutterbugShots β€” Tapeworms by-nc-nd [NSFW]
Published: 2014-07-01 14:03:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 115; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description That parasite of nothingness
Writhes and crawls along my innards
It nests and sags in my stomach
Making me feel faint and feeble
It worms its way to my heart
Only to fondle it
Inching along its curves
It tightens now
Shackling my heart

Darkness creeps
Hissing along my tapeworm-encased organs
Circulation is cut off
I feel empty
My heart could give out

And then it does

I loathe you
For all the love you showed
I despise you
For tossing it aside
I could hit (you)
But instead I cut (me)
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Comments: 3

Bahama-dreams [2014-07-02 11:48:35 +0000 UTC]

Much improved it sounds much more poetic and less journalistic. Good job!!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Bahama-dreams [2014-07-02 07:27:06 +0000 UTC]

I don't feel qualified to give an actual critique. I like the metaphor you're Β using. Watch the repetitive word use. Check your thesaurus for alternative wording. Glad you're writing again yet, sorry about the subject matter

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ShutterbugShots In reply to Bahama-dreams [2014-07-02 11:13:40 +0000 UTC]

Edited it, but I included the original in the description so people can see how it's changed.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0