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Shadows - RED

Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright
Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?

Dean lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He was angry at Castiel for lying about working with Crowley, angry with himself for lying to Sam, angry at himself for lying to ___________. He couldn't pretend that everything was fine anymore; everyone hated each other, just in secret. They all feared each other and all mistrusted each other. He was so frustrated. He was falling into a place he couldn't escape. He felt an angry hate bubbling in his heart, a hate that swallowed him whole and made him afraid of himself.

He looked at ___________, curled into his side, his shirt balled in her hands and her hair obscuring her eyes. She was such an angel, her honesty and love completely and totally pure.

"Tell me it's over, please."

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of monster
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

She stirred slightly and shifted to rest her head on his chest. He pulled her close, afraid to let her go.

He'd lost her before, he'd do it again. It was a matter of time. He was afraid to send her away. Dean didn't have many friends. She'd get killed whether by the hands of his enemies or on a mission with him. Either way it would be his fault.

Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?

He felt himself slipping further and further each day, losing sight of what was real and what was good and what was okay. He needed her to stay by his side, at least until he was completely lost. If she didn't, he feared what he would become.

A monster.

He knew she could help him, if she just held on a little longer. Sam didn't seem to understand, even though he'd endured the same thing as Dean his entire life. Castiel was a downright liar, and Dean did not trust him at all. He didn't trust him to help him with this hate.

It wasn't a hate for others. It was one darker than that. It was hate aimed directly at himself. He knew it would drive him to do terrible things if he didn't fix it.

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of monster
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

She stirred slightly and opened her eyes. She smiled sweetly and kissed him softly. "Dean, why aren't you sleeping yet? It's late."

"Just thinkin' about things," he said, smiling gently.

"What things?" she asked, nuzzling into his neck. His skin was warm and soft.

"Just stupid things, nothing important. Don't worry your pretty little head." He chuckled quietly.

He felt her lips curl into a smile and he closed his eyes. He felt some of that terrible cold inside his chest melt.

I'm holding onto you

I'm holding onto you
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of monster
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

"____________, you promise you won't leave me?" he said, irritated with himself at having asked. He was practically asking her to die, by asking her to stay. How could he be so selfish? Hadn't enough people suffered the same fate? Hadn't enough people died for his pitiful cause? He hoped she'd say no, now that he was thinking about it.

"I promise," she yawned.

He let out a long sigh and wrapped his arms around her. He'd never let her go, no. Now his only goal was to protect her and if he died trying, he'd die happy.