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SnufflesTheOrc — This Line
Published: 2005-06-03 11:46:00 +0000 UTC; Views: 208; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 14
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Description One more time, I’d like us to dance
Hand-in-hand, down
(foot-in-mouth)
Down these comfortable spirals of conversation.

I’d like us to swing our legs through the bars
Of a foot bridge
(there is no bridge)
In glaring black and green, write our names
On the wall
(a symbol of forever)
Watch the spraypaint run in the rain.
Watch it
(forever)
Trickle down through the cracks
The bricks bright and grainy
(like a movie)
Beneath our stained fingers,
Watch it
(a silent movie)
Melt.
And laugh like we don’t care
Like we were never scared.

You probably don’t remember
Railway tracks at dusk
Fluorescent puddles
(it’s always raining)
Glaring sodium puddles
(it’s always been glaring)
We threw stones so we could here them echo
In the black turbulence of our favourite tunnel
Proving to ourselves
That there was something beyond
The place where the tracks
(where our eye contact)
Stuttered out.

One night,
We were caught by surprise
(perpetually)
Our reflexes primed, perfected
In an ecstasy of panic
(like animals)
We had to take a dive into the gravel
And the sodden grass beyond
A swaying freight train
Burst forth from the void
(an omen).
You grabbed my hand.
We touched this line.
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Comments: 5

darkninja [2005-06-19 10:57:37 +0000 UTC]

Damn this is such a good poem. As in really good. As in argh you're too good at writing kind of good.
And now for some... constructive critiqueage to make this comment less of an "omg!".. thing. Yeah. Damn it's too early in the morning for this.

And laugh like we don’t care
Like we were never scared.
I love these lines. They've got a rhymey thing going on.

(there is no bridge)
Heh. There is no spoon. That's just what I was thinking.

Glaring sodium puddles
(it’s always been glaring)
These lines.. don't really like the repetition of 'glaring'. I get it's.. probably intentional, right? But I dunno, just sounds awkward to me.

The place where the tracks
(where our eye contact)
Stuttered out.
Love these lines as well.

It's just an awesome poem in general. If I could, I'd buy a print of this. Only, I have no money, and you can't really make prints of poems, 'cause that'd just be printing it out.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

zebraboy [2005-06-06 01:18:11 +0000 UTC]

really impressed snuffs.
theyd fit into a song easy...but id love to see (an idea for thought, perhaps not practice) is this being read as a voice, whilst the imagery the written part creates runs on film underneath...that would be awesome.

love the cycle back to the image.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

SnufflesTheOrc In reply to zebraboy [2005-06-06 13:23:13 +0000 UTC]

Thanks Greig, and yeah, a couple of other people have told me it'd work as a song. And I'd love to do something with film and the poem read as a voiceover actually, mainly because I love messing with my camera. Might try something like that if I get time over the summer.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

fragilemistakes [2005-06-03 18:14:16 +0000 UTC]

holy. i mspeechless. my fingers are tingling as i type this... your piece is wonderful and clever. so touching

:aw: i really like it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

SnufflesTheOrc In reply to fragilemistakes [2005-06-05 20:13:19 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0