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Solarune β 25
Published: 2012-11-15 14:24:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 1110; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 1
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Description
the world seen like smoke, too strong to speak:green and growing still
in someone to split my soul
and hold the half beside me.
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Comments: 12
This is lovely, especially the imagery in the first line!
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<3 thank you! (gosh this took me ages to reply sorry)
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You're welcome.
No worries!
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This is lovely. I love the first line (but I don't know, I misread "the world seen" as "the world seems", is it supposed to be 'seen'? "seen like" is an odd turn of phrase, I've never come across it before!), and the smoke, and "too strong to speak". I thought the soul part was absolutely adorable & definitely on the sentiment coming through. About the environment - I got the idea of it through "green and growing" but I didn't really understand it in terms of "the world seen like smoke", if that's what you meant? I like it how it is, though. I'm not so sure about the word "still", either - do you mean it in the sense still, as in motionless, or still, as in after all this time?
But I adore the first line - it's lovely, with all its sibilance and imagery. Gorgeous work, as ever!
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...you wonderful girl, don't know how to thank you for this other than 
"still" is meant to have a double meaning, i.e. β I want the world to be still green and growing, no matter what happens, but also was trying to get across the sense that the wonder of the world would almost stop and freeze (i.e. "growing still") if you found someone you loved enough. Does that come through or is it just confusing? XD
THANK YOU (again!)
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I love the setup of this, particularly the last two lines. The way you put that is really beautiful, and evokes a great mental image. Your sentiment was perfectly clear to me, after I'd thought about it for a minute. To me, that's one of the best parts of it, is that the entire meaning isn't obvious, but it's there if you're willing to take a minute to think about it and understand.
In regards to the first line, that one stood out to me as a little awkward, but it took me a while to figure out why. It might be because you say "the world seen like smoke," and I'm not entirely sure whether that's supposed to mean that the world is seen engulfed in smoke or if there's another meaning to it. I got the too strong to speak part, I think (because of the smoke?). I don't know if I'm phrasing what I want to say correctly, but I can see why you'd want critique on the first line. It seems a little detached from the rest of it, the way you've started off with something more negative and immediately transitioned to "green and growing still." I can see the movement of it, but it was a little disjointed.
However, I do like what you did saying "green and growing still/ in someone..." To me, it establishes a connection between the earth and its inhabitants. Every time I see the last two lines, I just get a really cute mental picture of two people holding raindrop shaped things with faces standing next to each other. The subtlety of this piece is really a part of what makes it beautiful.
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...okay, wow, wow, this is glorious and exactly what I needed, THANK YOU!
I can see absolutely what you mean about the first line, I think the problem with it is that I didn't have an entirely clear idea of what I wanted it to picture myself. The basic idea was that... you can travel the world and see loads of things and the beauty, the vastness of the world, will still be intangible, impossible to grasp or own, like smoke. And also, as if you were breathing in smoke (I actually had "breathing smoke" in an earlier draft, but liked this wording better) it's almost too strong to stand, too strong to speak of. I think I was too fond of the smoke image to let it go, which is maybe what it needed. I won't edit this now as it's past the closing date of the competition and so doesn't seem fair, but thank you hugely for opening my eyes!
Aww, that's an adorable mental picture, glad you got that from it! (LOVE the raindrops). And I'm really glad you like that line, too, because the double meaning was v. much intentionalΒ β i.e. "growing still" as in "still growing" and "growing still" as in "growing still in this person / the whole earth distilled in one person because they are so important".
So β yeah. 
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You're welcome!
Ah, yeah, that does make it really difficult to write when you don't know what you want it to come off as, exactly. It reminds me of a phrase that my British Lit professor pointed out last semester from Paradise Lost where Milton describes angels' wings as being "of color dipped in Heaven." It's an absolutely stunning description, but it doesn't have any concrete image, and it's describing something that's essentially impossible to describe. But I digress - I really like the smoke image, too, and I like that you included it regardless. I think that if something is that adamant about staying in your mind, there's a reason for it, and there'll be some way to include it in the best way possible. It's just tricky figuring out what that is. xD
That double meaning adds so much to the piece itself - I think that sort of thing really gives a work more depth.
Uwah~ You're welcome, and thank YOU! :3
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OOH. I've not read Paradise Lost, but have heard of that β and interestingly, I think it was from someone citing it as a good/exemplary description, which it is, but I remember thinking, like you say, that it's not actually that specific! But in a way that's nice because... it's like he's found the exact right combination of words to inspire something in the reader but also leave their mind free to interpret it (because everyone's idea of heaven is different).
& yeah, I suppose that it does have a reason for staying there, but doesn't necessarily belong in this piece 
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Exactly, and that's what I like about it! I confess to not having read a good deal of the material (it was the end of semester and by then I was just DONE), but when my professor went over it in class, it was really interesting! I'm not sure if it's on the syllabus this time around, since I'm taking a similar class, but I'd like to go back and read it sometime.
You're welcome~
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