kiwi-damnation [2016-06-01 02:36:08 +0000 UTC]

Hi Your piece has been featured here:  Who's ready for Prose-ject 2016?!Welcome, welcome once again...
Welcome back to Prose-ject, and what better event to serenade your sweet return than our biggest Prose-ject challenge yet, Prose-ject 2016! This challenge will be our main annual challenge, featuring a combination of word targets and prompts for every single day of June. 
I'm talking about this:
    Prose-ject 2016 

  For each day of Prose-ject 2016, you will be required to write at least 250 words.
    ...as well as...
 Choosing one of the five prompts of the day.
1. A visual piece from one of dA's fin

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

WaKip [2016-04-24 08:40:47 +0000 UTC]

1.) I personally really enjoyed how you described it. It got the feeling right without being cheesy.
2.)The way you incorporated metaphor was rather smooth, though i'd recommend a semi-colon on "We squint
in the sun; a glowworm" like so. It would add a bit to the flow, and it throws it off a little without. I know this wasn't your exact issue you wanted to ask about, but that's my only complaint.
3.) I agree that the comment of crushed mud could be better worded. It's best not to use words, especially actions, too close to one another.
4.) Yes, very much so. I think you did a great job of putting emotion into imagery.
5.) The more I read it, the more I get a vibe of all sorts of different people experiencing the new year different ways. Excitement, joy, and looking forward to it and...the last gives me a vibe of a more depressed and cynical person somehow. I liked it all the same.
6.) It feels...strange, but not necessarily improper. Just an odd way of wording it, but I wouldn't change it.
7.) Other than the little things, I wouldn't say so. It left off where I think it should have.
Overall..good work, definitely worth favoriting

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

alwaysnothere [2016-03-29 21:59:13 +0000 UTC]

I love it. I love descriptive poem like this. That's easy to read, flows and has it own life. This piece has alot of life to it. 
On the question
I think you did well with words you choose. No cliché here.
The piece is so cohesive is flows from line to line effortless. Though I wasn't a fan of the first chime
cracks our bones  and  standing on crushed mud .

Creativity in the piece is lovely, and the imagery stands along side it.
Standing last night
on a brick wall unsteady 
unknowing of the newness
of the year
Loved this stanza and  says the chocolate-voiced radio
then an aching
gap, silence unmaking
us:
The atmospheric elements and the transition noted were felt throughout.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

DC-26 [2016-01-22 01:32:00 +0000 UTC]

I love answering specific questions

-This certainly seemed like a piece about big transitions, but I didn't get a specific "new year" vibe until the very end.  So I found that to be effective.

-I didn't detect any similies, and that seemed to work well.  I didn't finish it and think "well, there were no similies!"  So the device was well implemented.

-I read the "crushed mud" as being the bricks... so that could be redundant, I guess.

-Yes, I found the imagery effective overall.  I enjoyed the diction -  I think especially because you didn't use and similies and this called for a bit more creativity.

-The setting seemed as though the "speaker" was a bit... uncertain.  Excited, and trying to be positive, but with a lot of questions.

-I read pitch only as an adjective or noun, and not a verb here.  I think because for it to be a verb the conjugation would be "we are pitched" or "we pitch" - but then I wouldn't be able to read it as an adjective or noun.

-It feels complete to me.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

poems-about-hue [2016-01-20 18:18:31 +0000 UTC]

-personally, i found this to be a really enjoyable read. it did not sound cliché to me. in fact, the desensitizing imagery made me read every line twice. you engaged my senses wonderfully. the choice of words was great. the grapes thing is something we do as well so that made me smile.

-the "standing on crushed mud" part seemed a little out of place to me - is that the sun or "we" or both? i'm not sure what that line adds to the piece, but i may be just missing its value. it did make me stop and wonder, and i still haven't figured it out.

-the feeling i get is a giddy, reckless excitement. but the ending tips toward the title.

-the first line actually confused me. it was jarring. i assumed it meant "pitch" in the black sense. while i was a bit weirded out, it made me curious enough to read on. so as a first line, it has its pros and cons.

-it feels complete to me. it fits with the title, anyway.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1