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Solarune β Three Windowpanes
Published: 2011-01-23 22:16:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 2351; Favourites: 32; Downloads: 21
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Description
I.The city smokes in mirrors on an autumn day,
sewing sky patches. A dying leaf baking veins on
fire blocks and chimneys hashing wire over
the river. Old dyer staining all her clothes;
sunset braids and rust on roofs. The day
packs itself up, like powder.
II.
Midnight knows itself deeply, an abstraction
by the streetlights sketching out people and a bridge
holding them, or a cloud? They are split by squares,
and words and the shadow on the river-skin a rippling
flag. Scaffolds knot necks between the stars and
they are bare, for only the moon to comfort.
III.
Morning shadows the streets inverted, or perhaps
it was like that before. The sunrise is a butter-knife
smeared in marmalade: drained through roses, through
the river, and a hundred alleyways no-one sees
stitched in like eyes, breathy with the expectation
of the city weave pulling people-threads of laughter.
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Comments: 84
It feels weird to be critiquing this in 2013 when you submitted it so long ago. I just want to make more of an effort of showing my appreciation of people through critiques
Okay, so looking at the triptych and reading your description, I can better appreciate how much thought when into your interpretation of that image. And reading your piece alongside the triptych I found really insightful into how you see things ie "The sunrise is a butter-knife / smeared in marmalade" coming from that golden yellow in the final panel. Language such as this made me feel like I'd lived another life in a quiet, tucked-away town where time meandered by and life was vivid. It was then surreal to finish the piece, realising that no, I'd stayed in my chair at the laptop the whole time.
Though the vividness of both your piece and the triptych depends upon the association of the two. Without it, there are problems like what you noticed about the first two lines of I and II - that they only make sense when associated with the corresponding panels of the triptych.
As an aside, I think that in those moments when I am inspired to write, I'll have a crack at representing that triptych in prose
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"smokes in mirrors"
such a simple twist, so clever
i also really liked
"The day
packs itself up" ... something so true about it, and i can see the day folding, self-contained, neat and clean.
the imagery in the three stanzas contrasted nicely, in a way that suggested entirely different places and yet there was a unifying wonder to them.
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Thanks so much for the lovely comment! 
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Always welcome 
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'Midnight knows itself deeply,' is a terrific bit.
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Aw, thanks. I was a little unsure about that stanza so I'm glad you like it.
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Glad to give you some assurance on it.
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I love each piece of imagery you have here. Each one is breathless and beautiful.
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Thank you so very much!
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Lovely stuff, I especially like the marmalde image in the third stanza
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"Old dyer staining all her clothes"
Double meanings make me happy. <3
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it
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this is delightful. After much deliberation, I have to say III. is my favorite. or maybe II. or just possibly I. i dont know, they are all so lovely! bravo!
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I'm sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for your lovely comment, it means a lot.
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i don't understand why i haven't seen this yet. but I should have. I really should have stalked through your gallery a little more. It's really amazing, and the description is phenomenal.
Feedback questions:
1. The triptych didn't change my perception or understanding of it at all, really. It was already pretty clear, in my mind, but the triptych ... "sealed" it. If that makes any sense. /itdoesn't
2. I-I think it's fine, the whole of it. There's really not much to be improved already.
4. I do it all the time 
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err I didn't ask this before, but ...
what's a triptych?
/embarrassed
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Don't worry, I didn't know either until this prompt. XD It's... well, what the piece of art is that I based it off. A piece of artwork with three separate panels, I believe.
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ooh, that sounds interesting.
Triptych.
I like that word. Just... the sound of it.
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I wish I could fave this more than once. So epic. Amazing job.
In response to your questions:
β I understood it perfectly before looking at the triptych. In fact, if anything I think it really furthered my understanding of the picture.
β No suggestions for you, sorry, but in my opinion I didn't see any problem at all. In fact II was my favourite
β I loved the closing line. Don't change a thing. The imagery was perfect.
β Yep, it's called enjambment (been drilled in by school poetry teachers). Can I ask why you chose to use it? For me, in some of them in helps to draw emphasis to a certain line or fragment parts of the sentence for creativity. But other times I felt it was a bit unnecessary.
I am in adoration of this piece O_O
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Thank you so very much for the wonderful comment and the favourite! I'm glad you like it and that it furthered your understanding of the picture. I guess that's what a translation aims to do
With the enjambment β it was more instinct than anything else, really. I just put it in places that I thought it read nicely, and also I was trying to get each stanza to have roughly the same shape to correspond to the three different sections of the triptych. Also, I have seen it used in poetry before and love it. Were there any specific points where it felt awkward? If not, no worries. I just wondered.
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No problem. This deserved it! It's inspiring to see such work on deviantART
"and the shadow on the river-skin a rippling
flag." maybe? But it's just my opinion.
Thanks for the awesome work!
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Ooh, okay. I'll look into that.
No, thank YOU! :3
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I think it's great! Your imagery is beautiful. Im not really a poet or anyone to say but I think the way it is makes it unique and its just fine.
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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I can not tell much about the way itΒ΄s written technically and I don't care because itΒ΄s really good! It kept me reading from the first sentence on.
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Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Sol, I continue to bask in your words. That is all.
The city smokes in mirrors on an autumn day,
sewing sky patches. A dying leaf baking veins on
fire blocks and chimneys hashing wire over
the river. Old dyer staining all her clothes;
sunset braids and rust on roofs. The day
packs itself up, like powder.
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(By the way, I just realised I don't know what to call you, other than your username. Will Myst/Mystic or Fay do? xD)
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Fay works for me.
On a side note, I really liked the first two lines. They accurately translated the idea of an industrial city in the daytime. When I checked the triptych, I was actually surprised how close it matched the scene in my head that I got from your poem.
If you feel the lines are clunky, you could rework some of the verb tenses and make them more like phrases instead of sentences.
Instead of
The city smokes in mirrors on an autumn day,
sewing sky patches.
Try, City smoke in mirrors on an autumn day,
Sewing sky patches.
That would make fit more with the next line, which has a more phrase-like structure.
A dying leaf baking veins on
fire blocks and chimneys hashing wire over
the river.
Also for the second sentence, I don't know if the word "dying" is necessary since you describe the leaf baking its veins. It would also break up the the monotonous phrase "A dying leaf baking."
I also like part II, so I don't know what I could say about it to help you improve it. 
For part III, you definitely do not need the word "city" before "weave." In fact, I think it's more confusing if you do have it there, because "weave" could be read as a verb or a noun.
I liked the formatting as well because it shows the piece is poetry and not prose.
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Fay it is.
And that's actually a really great way to change the line. 
Mm I see what you mean about the word "city". My only worry is that it might be confusing what exactly the weave is if I removed it, but I'll have to work on that.
Thanks for your critique!
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Maybe you could hyphenate city and weave, making it one word just as you did with "people-threads."
stitched in like eyes, breathy with the expectation
of the city-weave pulling people-threads of laughter.
Really, though, take all my critiques with a grain of salt. I'm nitpicking at a great piece. 
You're welcome, BTW.
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I like that idea! I'll have to be careful with hyphenated words as I tend to overuse them, but it would definitely soften that and give a kind of echo to the sentence.
Ah, no β I like nitpicks!
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Startling imagery throughout. This line particularly amazed me:
The sunrise is a butter-knife
smeared in marmalade
Great job with the prompt!
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Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it 
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Oh god, I'm finally here. So sorry!
Something feels strange to me about the first two lines, yes, even though I quite like them--I think it's the intense verbs so close to each other, or possibly the quick switch in metaphor. If you were going to drop either (not that I'm sure you should) totally keep the sewing sky patches. That makes me happy. And the day powder line makes me VERY happy. Like, give me a moment alone happy.
I think it's just the first three lines of the second that have a problem--the rest is lovely. It's not necessarily that it's too abstract, but that it's a lot of abstraction all at once and in one long run-on line after not so much before it. It's mm, jarring. I think you could keep 'Midnight knows itself deeply', and maybe just move straight to 'the streelights' and onwards? And maybe lose the question. It makes us question even more what we've just read, which isn't good in this case.
Butter-knife maybe too homely an image in contrast to the rest? Also the roses. I don't know, it just feels like a very different city to the one you were describing in the first two--more English, less middle-Eastern.
Your enjambment is fine. And this is a damn strong piece--just needs a little more adjustment until you yourself are comfortable with it!
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Don't worry β this was worth waiting for! Amazing critique/interpretation β thank you! You've hit on the very points where I was trying to work out what was wrong.
I see what you mean β maybe I could switch some of those words around. Now I look at the first stanza again, there are a lot of s-sounds β which was unintentional, but hm. xD Glad you like the powder line β that's one of my favourites!
I was struggling with the midnight verse and I think you're right that the question mark and vagueness doesn't work there so well... because the writing comes across as unsure of itself.
Now that you mention it, the third part does sound very British
I'm glad you liked it β thanks very much again for the critique! Most helpful.
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I can see rosewater working, actually--reminds me of the flavouring of roses rather than just the flowers. Of course, I have no idea if you were actually going for a Middle Eastern feel in the earlier sections. If it's all British, who cares?
I love the idea of sun/butter, I'm just not sure it fits in this context. I could see it working if you referred to butter being made?
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Mmm β I actually wasn't going for any specific cultural feel, but no doubt one leaked through, and having spent most of my time in England/Europe it will no doubt seem more Western than Eastern... I actually thought of the "city" as rather like Venice, what with the rivers etc. I have rather a fantastical fondness of that city, despite having only gone once
That might work, actually β it would add to the newness of morning, too.
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Oh, oh, Venice I could see. It definitely didn't feel English to me until that last part--more exotic than that. Though I suppose England would feel exotic if you lived on the moon.
If you do edit, lemme know--I want to see the changes!
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Lol, if you lived on the moon.
I will! Not sure when I'll get round to editing it β but I want to.
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I may have been reading this with a slightly biased interpretation seeing as I've spent so long looking at the triptych and haven't read or commented on any of the other submissions for the prompt until I was done writing, (I'm far too easily influenced) but I didn't find it confusing at all and I really like your interpretation. I find it amazing that you saw all that in the image, because I saw something so completely different and would never in a million years have looked at it that way. So I guess the answer is that I didn't necessarily interpret your writing differently after looking at the triptych, but I did see the triptych in a new light after reading your work. (I'm not sure that even answered your question lol)
Personally, I really like the first two lines, especially 'sewing sky patches'. Ah, to be completely honest I also love II and I think it does flow well, in my mind at least. If anything, the line I don't understand and doesn't quite work for me is the first sentence of III. The 'perhaps/it was like that before.' bit. I may be missing something here though.
I'm not sure whether the word 'city' is necessary or not, I just think it clarifies and ties it all together at the end. I think I prefer it being there because for me it reads better. I'm really not sure how to explain this so bear with me, but the syllables work better with it there. ci-ty weave pull-ing peo-ple works better than 'the weave pulling people' because I'm not entirely sure where the stressed syllables in the second option are ideally supposed to go. Is it 'weave' or 'pulling' or 'people' where as having the repeated pattern of 2 syllables, 1 syllable, 2 syllables, 1(+1 unstressed) syllable has more rhythm. (Oh yes for completely failing to explain that. I'm not even sure I understand me...)
I really like the enjambment and I think it adds to the idea of a weave
Sorry for the really long and incoherent comment
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Thank you so much for the amazing comment!
No, that makes perfect sense β and Iβm honoured. Itβs nice to hear that it brought new things to light in the original for you. I see what you mean about that first sentence of the third stanza; =zebrazebrazebra commented that in the second stanza, the writing seemed a little too ambiguous/questioning, and I think maybe thatβs a slight problem with my poetic voice in this, that it sounds too unsure. Thank you for pointing that out. I was struggling a bit with that line, actually. XD
To be perfectly honest, I donβt write much poetry and Iβm still coming to terms with the use of rhythm, sound etc. I donβt really think about it when I write β it just comes instinctively, which sometimes works, sometimes doesnβt. I see your point about the syllable pattern there, though,
Glad you liked it! Thank you again!
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