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Published: 2010-03-13 17:45:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 403; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 1
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Nick inhaled on his cigarette until the glowing ember reached the filter, then flicked it absently out the driver's window. His younger brother James sat upright and fidgeting beside him, eyes wide trying to look at everything at once."Two hundred and forty meters. Turn left. Two twenty. Left." James spoke outloud.
To Nick, James' factual rambling had become background noise. James grew up locked inside his own head, overwhelmed by the world around him and unable to process any of it. When his doctors had wired him into the network, they'd armed him with everything he'd ever need.
James flinched as a police car screamed by in the opposite direction, lights bathing them for an instant in blue and red. "Metro pursuit, two one nine one four. Eric Waynes. Forty Two. Divorced. Two Children. Sixty meters, turn left."
Nick saw the street as looming walkups and parked cars, but to James it was a seething mass of lines connecting objects and boxes containing datapoints; an infinite number of rabbit holes he could plumb for details ad infinitum.
When their parents had died, Nick had the hard line replaced with an array of wireless antennae woven into his brother's dirty blond faux hawk. It was the only way he could get him out of the apartment.
They turned left onto Kinsella, slowing to navigate through the cars parked on both sides of the street. He could see the stop sign at Mathews when a shopping cart rolled from behind a parked car into the street, forcing him to step hard on the brakes.
"Pay and Save. Twelve thousand three hundred cubic inches. Fifty pounds," he paused, eyes darting around the car before adding, "probably stolen."
Nick smiled until a hand came to rest on his window sill.
"You got permission to be on this block?" The voice was deep, the speaker's face lost in shadow with the sun blazing a halo around his head.
"Sorry, just passing through."
James eyed the cart and the dark skinned man that had joined it on the street.
"Zoo York jacket. Sixty three percent sold to upper middle class kids imitating the lower class style."
Nick winced, suddenly painfully aware of his brother speaking.
"What did bristle head say?", the tone sharpened. As he leaned in closer for a better look the sun revealed deep brown skin under a pork pie hat, crisscrossed with fresh pink scar tissue.
"Nothing," Nick said, "he likes your friend's jacket."
"Dolan Ryan. South Bronx Cricketers. Soldier. Fourteen arrests, no convictions." James blinked repeatedly before adding "This year. Fourteen this year. Forty meters, turn right."
Dolan yanked on the door handle. Finding it locked he reached in through the open window trying to open it from the inside.
"Out of the fucking car, dumbass. Rainman here just bought you a beating."
"Seventy percent of altercations involving Cricketers result in violence. Fifty pounds. Forty meters, turn right."
Dolan paused his brailling the door panel long enough to cuff Nick in the side of the head. "One hundred percent chance of violence asshole, out of the goddamned car."
James pounded both hands on the dashboard and yelled "forty meters turn right", then turning to look Dolan straight in the eyes he continued "Doctors appointment Thursday at two. Syphilis".
Dolan froze for an instant and Nick stood hard on the gas, liberating the shopping cart from the Zoo York jacketed figure as he jumped out of the way. The cart crumpled under the bumper and was dragged into the intersection as he drifted right onto Mathews, the tangled mesh basket peeling off on a parked car as the sedan straightened. Not slowing, he turned left onto Morris Park and kept his foot planted on the gas until the Parkway loomed into view.
"Bronx River Parkway. Thirty and three quarter kilometers in length."
Nick finally eased up on the gas. "Syphilis?" he asked.
"Spirochetal bacterium. Sexually transmitted."
Nick laughed as he fumbled for another cigarette.
"I really did like his jacket," James said, before slipping back into the data mass of the world outside.
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Comments: 37
FirstSarge [2010-03-13 23:27:26 +0000 UTC]
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Great humour, but syphilis is old news. You need something sexy, something romantic. Something that drips, “Hey baby, want to come home with me tonight,” in a raspy Lou Rawles sort of voice. Ha
One minor thing:
“a seething mass of lines connecting and boxes containing data points;”
This line doesn’t flow. I know how it sounds in your mind, as I think I hear it the same way, but it took me several reads of the line to see it that way.
Perhaps:
“a seething mass of lines connecting and boxes containing, data points;”
Grammatically it is correct with the commas, but it still won’t allow the almost lyrical flow I think you are trying to achieve with this line.
I don’t know. I’m still trying to rhyme oranges. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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(Smile) -
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SRSmith In reply to FirstSarge [2010-03-13 23:34:22 +0000 UTC]
I'd like to think that syphilis, like blue jeans, will never go out of style. Sure, they've got your cargo pant diseases, and the capri ailments, but nothing beats the old standards in my book.
I've been banging away on that line, I know what I want it to say but you're absolutely right - that's not what I'm shooting for. I'll likely change it a dozen times or so over the course of the evening.
Thanks for the input, very much appreciated.
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SRSmith In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-13 23:51:16 +0000 UTC]
I'm trying “a seething mass of lines connecting objects and boxes containing data points;” for the moment. We'll see how that feels.
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FirstSarge In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-13 23:51:13 +0000 UTC]
I am looking forward to the comments in forums. I loved the 100% violence bit. Funny stuff.
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SRSmith In reply to FirstSarge [2010-03-14 00:09:46 +0000 UTC]
A little levity, a little threat of the ultraviolence, it's important to maintain a balance.
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FirstSarge In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-14 19:12:50 +0000 UTC]
Upon seeing the word "ultraviolence", I automatically hear Malcomb McDowell's voice.
Everytime I read the novel, he is narrating it for me.
"The old in out, in out"
BTW, I just mentioned summarizing Proust to somebody else here, and I didn't even get so much as a spam reference in return.
What are they teaching kids today?
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SRSmith In reply to FirstSarge [2010-03-15 04:30:49 +0000 UTC]
The are certainly teaching kids that the girl with the biggest tits usually does win first prize.
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FirstSarge In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-15 21:17:42 +0000 UTC]
That is true, but is that a bad thing?
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SRSmith In reply to FirstSarge [2010-03-16 02:45:56 +0000 UTC]
I see no problem, no problem at all.
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LadyCrimson [2010-08-01 19:36:14 +0000 UTC]
quite enjoyable; the brothers really seem like brothers, and I like how James' last line makes him human (cause the Rainman ramblings made me think of Battlestar Galactica's hybrids - if you've seen the show)
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SRSmith In reply to LadyCrimson [2010-08-04 04:15:53 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! I wanted to be sure that the relationship between the brothers was believable, and for that to work James had to have moments where his underlying personality peeked out. If he never showed himself and was always just a conduit for the data he browsed, I'm not sure his brother could have stuck with him the way he has done.
I haven't watched BSG yet, though I plan to.
Thanks for the comment and the on this and Close Cutter!
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LadyCrimson In reply to SRSmith [2010-08-04 18:37:12 +0000 UTC]
You must watch it. The religious aspects in it are genius.
My pleasure!
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SRSmith In reply to LadyCrimson [2010-08-04 20:02:34 +0000 UTC]
I've got the first season on DVD, so there's really no excuse for my not watching it already.
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AutumnClarity [2010-06-14 15:29:56 +0000 UTC]
Hmm…this is the second piece of writing from you that I’d like to read more about--the first being ‘Space’. I am intrigued with the character James, the way his behavior has shifted from being agoraphobic to something akin to autism. He reacts like a GPS with no social skills—clearly the doctors did not arm him with everything he’d ever need! I also wonder about his degree of consciousness and self-control. Whether he really has no social skills or is just mentally absent. But then again, he makes the comment "I really did like his jacket", so perhaps his behaviour is not an issue of consciousness but control? I must be running round in circles…
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SRSmith In reply to AutumnClarity [2010-06-14 16:07:53 +0000 UTC]
I think James' is on a constant journey of discovery, an obsessive need to plumb the depths of the data he has access to on anything and everything he's even peripherally aware of. I think he's mentally hardwired to be able to keep pace and process an alarming amount of information, and before he had access this likely kept him in a state of anxious inability that would have reduced him to an almost comatose state. By hotwiring him into the network, he has access and purpose, even if that purpose is just to know everything about anything, albeit only in a transient manner; he won't remember what he learns, he'll just access it again if he needs it in future.
I also think that in having a means to cope with what was a debilitating affliction, he's able to have moments of actual personal awareness, which is where the jacket comment comes from.
There are a few characters that I like more than others, James is one and Lewis from 'Space' is another, I'm glad you like them too.
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faeriecrone [2010-04-02 00:10:59 +0000 UTC]
brailing?
You pack so much into so few words. Good stuff.
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SRSmith In reply to faeriecrone [2010-04-02 01:02:55 +0000 UTC]
Damn. Right word, wrong spelling - should have been brailling - two l's. Fixed now!
Thanks very much for the comment and !
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faeriecrone In reply to SRSmith [2010-04-02 01:30:36 +0000 UTC]
So I learned a new word AND how not to spell it. TY!
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SRSmith In reply to faeriecrone [2010-04-02 01:46:47 +0000 UTC]
I'm a veritable teaching machine!
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SRSmith In reply to raspil [2010-03-20 02:57:50 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. I 'drove' the route via Google street view and let the story build itself around what I imagined along the way. Different method for me, I've done that once or twice before but always with the story already written. I had the characters this time, but not the story and I'm not unhappy with how it turned out.
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raspil In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-20 03:27:44 +0000 UTC]
I 'drove' the route via Google street view and let the story build itself around what I imagined along the way.
No wonder it seemed so natural. That's a cool idea.
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SRSmith In reply to raspil [2010-03-20 04:05:15 +0000 UTC]
I find it helps with the pacing and atmosphere. If I can see what's actually there now, I can better imagine what's there in the timeframe I'm writing and also how long it would take reasonably to cover some distance.
There's also a part of me, albeit a very small one, that wonders if someone won't comment 'Hey, I know where that is!'. I recently read Cory Doctorow's "Someone comes to town, someone leaves town" and a great deal of it is set in Toronto in areas that I'm quite familiar with. I thoroughly enjoyed that aspect of it, though it's a minor detail that would be lost without consequence to anyone that hadn't ever been there.
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raspil In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-20 23:08:23 +0000 UTC]
Knowing there are lots of Texas Deviants around here, I still use Austin as one of my backdrops to see if they know where my on-location stories are being taken place. I am only using Vegas sparingly; Austin is so much nicer.
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SRSmith In reply to raspil [2010-03-20 23:56:24 +0000 UTC]
One of these days I'll find my way to both, though I likely won't get to spend enough time to be able to recognize anything later.
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raspil In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-21 00:13:04 +0000 UTC]
still worth a quick visit (a longer visit to Austin, though -- it's prettier for sure).
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MSpaintdog [2010-03-14 06:32:28 +0000 UTC]
One of my sons is mildly autistic,and there are days when it's like that...sort of.Great writing.
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eX-Dream [2010-03-13 23:48:49 +0000 UTC]
I loved this piece, though there were some parts where things got muddy, but overall it was a fantastic piece that made writhe in excitement. I love the last thing James says, about genuinely liking the jacket. It sort of hinted at an almost humorist personality.
I'd definitely like to read more about James and his brother Nick!
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SRSmith In reply to eX-Dream [2010-03-14 00:12:09 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the comment and the . I think that in everyone living with some form of unique brain wiring there's a tendency to forget they're real people too, so it's important for that to shine through in pieces like this.
I'm glad you liked this.
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alapip [2010-03-13 21:05:46 +0000 UTC]
another neat scene SR.
all these bite size stories
compiled into a book would
make a good seller, in my
opinion.
go for it...pip
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SRSmith In reply to alapip [2010-03-13 23:35:24 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, both for the comment and the . I've got plans for these, both in the short form and in the future in a much larger piece. I appreciate the vote of confidence.
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alapip In reply to SRSmith [2010-03-14 00:16:21 +0000 UTC]
my pleasure, both in reading and commenting...
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