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It Is In The Doing
Published: 2014-01-08 02:14:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 5083; Favourites: 193; Downloads: 0
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I know what she thinks I do in the bathroom when I take a little too long,when I'm a little too quiet.
After all, I'm a healthy teenager with access to the internet, what else could I be doing?
She knocks on the door and asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"
Smile, my dear reader.
Chuckle a little.
Sometimes she's right.
But sometimes... Sometimes I'm on the floor or pressed hard against the wall, my heart a little too fast, my breath a little too quick... my chest a little too tight as I try to keep the sound of steadily falling tears from echoing beyond the door. As I try to keep pretences to the outside world that I do not cry, that nothing hurts me. That always, always, always, I do not fall to the madness of emotions. I have no control of my life but dammit, I am in control of myself.
But every now and then the rigid hold of apathy breaks and I am reduced to this. Crying in a place where no one will hear my tears. Where no one will hear how desperate I am. How broken.
Broken seems like such an inadequate word. I am the incomplete disjointed pieces of myself, blindly grasping for anything to hold my being together. Thread, sinew, super glue, spit and laughter. Music, words, ink and madness. Anything. Anything to keep from falling apart. Anything to keep on living.
One time after a particularly nasty fight, I got out of the bathroom, I was dry-eyed but still sniffing, wiping snot from my nose. Quietly, she handed me a glass of warm water and a tablet of vitamin C. Gently, she reprimanded me for not wearing enough layers and told me to be careful of sick people. She let me sleep early and gave me a kiss on my head.
She thought I had a cold.
Other times, I am writing. Poems and stories that I store in the deepest parts of my phone's notes. Reining in my wild, tumultuous thoughts into tangible words. Taming the mad beasts of my mind into complex worlds and new characters. During those times I am leaping off cliffhangers and spinning on plot twists. I am sewing shadows into labyrinths and playing light upon the sharp steel of my heroes' and heroines' blades.
During those moments, I am free.
One time I took a little too long and she noticed I had my phone with me as I got out. This led to practically a full-scale investigation of my contact list, my Inbox and my call log. And for the rest of the day we played 20 questions. Was I secretly talking to anyone? Texting? E-mail? Facebook? Who was this girl? Who was that? Why did so and so call you in the afternoon of that day three weeks ago? Has she ever met this person? Is he and she a girl or a guy? When did I meet them? Where did I meet them? Oh my god, am I still communicating with this useless person?
What am I hiding from her??!
..... Privacy is not a product of shame. It's not about doing something bad or morally wrong. It's simply an offshoot of the very basic human need and human right to be able to live your own life. Privacy is keeping certain little things to yourself so that you can remind yourself that you are your own person.
I wish I could tell her that.
Other times, I take too long simply because I need to get away from her. Even for just a few moments. I need to pretend that my life is my own. That anytime I can grab my life and hurl it into its future.
I am tired. Not of life, not of living. Not even of her. But of the lies I weave just so that every now and then, I could feel... alive.
She's knocking now.
What.
Am.
I.
Doing?
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Comments: 62
Apologies for the late reply. Yes, exactly! Too many people say that freedom is a state of mind. That your only limitations are the ones you impose upon yourself. Which is true to an extent but I find that assumption a little affronting and condescending. Freedom is having control over the conditions of your life. Freedom is being able to live honestly. Without that, all your idealism and high-handed philosophies, are just that. Words and synapses of neurons.
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I was gonna just fave and go...
But I feel like you deserve to know what made me connect to this piece so deeply.
"Privacy is not a product of shame. It's not about doing something bad or morally wrong. It's simply an offshoot of the very basic human need and human right to be able to live your own life. Privacy is keeping certain little things to yourself so that you can remind yourself that you are your own person."
It amazes me that I never knew this before. I've always felt like I had to be a completely open person in order to be honest with people and myself. And sometimes, I feel shame, as though I'm "hiding" things or taking their relationship for granted. I'm almost not used to my enjoyment of privacy, because so much of what I do is out in the open, and longing to be alone, even when I'm around the people I love so much, seems strange and selfish for me.
You've changed that for me, though. It feels like you grabbed the emotion I was feeling with what I quoted, but actually your whole piece. And that's something really special. I hope you know that.
Please keep writing and improving. You have loads of support and I hope you're supporting yourself just as much!
Thanks for writing - and writing this.
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Thank you very much for sharing that with me. I'm glad that I was able to write something that incited that effect. Truly, thank you for taking the time to tell me all that. I'm in a place where I feel like my pieces are all repetitive pieces of crap so your comment has really warmed my heart and given me a boost. I hope you have a good day!
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This was an amazing and riveting piece. I am in the bathroom now escaping from life. You are truly an exceptional ARTIST.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, everyone deserves a moment to themselves.
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it left me mournful ... it is so tragically beautiful and while i've not Known your pain, omg you let me feel it in these words and my heart goes out to you .... a sorrowful little picture you paint here and i wish to press a finger to "her" lips and whisper "let him be" .... you're amazing ... congrats on the DD and for being able to so eloquently convey your thoughts and feelings ... best of days ... always.
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Thank you so much. As a writer, that's all I ever wanted, to be able to write something that lets the reader, you, experience new worlds and new emotions. Thank you.
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and it did ... though the emotions i felt are a bit uncomfortable, still i'm glad to feel them ... to experience what another feels by being quiet and ... listening .... in the end though, it comes to a need ... to comfort ... so 
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I know your pain. Β I am ashamed to admit this, but I cried a bit reading this. Ive been through this.
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You don't have to be ashamed. Even though I don't like doing it myself, I actually think crying is good thing. Aside from being psychologically beneficial, I think it shows that you're brave enough to let the world, or at least certain parts of it, enter into the deepest bits of you.
It's even braver actually, that you told someone that you did that. I hardly ever do that.
Oh and, thank you for your comment.
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I cried. I can closely relate to the emotions jumping out of this poem.
Here I go, with my interpretation...
"..... Privacy is not a product of shame. It's not about doing something bad or morally wrong. It's simply an offshoot of the very basic human need and human right to be able to live your own life. Privacy is keeping certain little things to yourself so that you can remind yourself that you are your own person...."
This is the kicker. This is what really made me sob. The way that you convey this message that privacy isn't necessarily a bad thing astounded me (In a good way)
The despair that comes with the absence of the freedom of speech is something that is still happening all over the world. I myself feel very blessed to have the right to speak up to others and I am surprised that many people take it for granted. Back then, Even I have sometimes been shut out on my right to speak, and during those periods of time I have felt trapped inside a place where no one can hear me. While I feel this pain, I only think of one thing to keep me going: at least I have myself to talk to. At least I have me to listen to me And share in my pain. They can take everything I have, but they can't change who I am. You can crumple a piece of paper, tear it up, stomp on it, and break it. You can do anything you want to that paper, but it will still paper. Just like the paper, I will stay as me and no one can change that, no matter how hard they try. To me, my poetry is a symbol of who I am; As a person in this world, and I take great pride in it. My poetry that I have created has become a universe that I can shape in. And even if other people misunderstand my world and I, I've got myself to understand me. It's much better now than before, but some people try to understand everything about a person. And in my humble opinion, that just kills the the thing that makes each and every one of us unique. They can't understand everything, and they will never really understand that everyone needs time to get away from everything, and even if they take up a life's work dedicated to finding "the truth," they cannot succeed. People need to learn to live together knowing that everyone is different. That is something I wish everyone will come to understand...
I blabble too much...sorry.
Poetic-wise, I am impressed. The language you use is so complex yet so elegant, which truly captures the mood of the poem as I interpret it: A whole lot of seclusion, and the feeling that you can't escape the hands of unwanted business grabbing this person for reasons that are very unjust.
Well, actually, I can interpret this poem in many different ways, but that is just a simplified version of what I think.
Well done, my friend.Β
This is a splendid work of art.
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"... but some people try to understand everything about a person. And in my humble opinion, that just kills the the thing that makes each and every one of us unique."
I know what you mean. For a long time I gave up telling people (friends, family, teachers, counselors, "adults") about myself because I noticed that they would always either relate it back to themselves or copy-paste some adage from a self-help book. I wouldn't have minded if wasn't for the fact that more often than not, it was rather QUITE unrelated to what I was trying to tell them.
People all too often make the mistake of trying to see/understand things from their own perspective when really, what is needed is to take it from the other person's own viewpoint.
However, I've come to realise that I can't give up sharing myself solely because of that and then fault people for 'not understanding me'. I realised that if I want people to know who I am and understand whatever is going on in my head then I HAVE to put myself out there. Whether or not they actually do tho, is entirely up to them and I've learned to not give a damn. What matters to me now is that I didn't hide within myself.
And it's alright, I don't think you're babbling. It's all part of the conversation. I'm always glad to hear people's thoughts. Thank you so much for your comment!
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This is incredible, like a little window into someone's brain. The last few lines, I must admit, actually unsettled me a little. Privacy is a precious thing, and too little of it can fray someone's nerves and thought processes easily, almost painfully.
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Yeah. Constricting someone's privacy is almost as good as telling that person that they're not trustworthy and that you don't have any faith in them.
Thank you so much. That's all I want, to make those windows.
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Oh goodness. O.oΒ
This is what it is like for me, except I only am reading.
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I'm happy I wrote this then. Thank you.
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my pleasure. Keep writing, it should do nothing but good for you in the end.
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"Privacy is keeping certain little things to yourself so that you can remind yourself that you are your own person." - I like that Part.
Β
By "lies" I wonder if you were referring to society, I mean that's what I got; that's what I'm feeling right now - Society's claws around my throat... (*-_-) it really is a mysterious monster sometimes.
Those two things gripped me the most, and made me think, that you just want your peace and quiet - that's what I read out of it.
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Well, no, not exactly. I meant that pretty literally but I suppose if you view it from the context of the individual and today's mainstream society then I can see where it connects. Today's mainstream society can be a pretty rough female dog after all.
Thank you for your comment!
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Amazing. This piece touched me and I thought you did a marvelous job.
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Thank you so much.
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Your welcome!
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I think you just put into words what most of us are thinking and feeling.
Beautiful, and well deserved DD.
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Thank you very much. I'm glad I was able to do that.
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Oohh man, this is gorgeous. This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time, and nobody has ever put it into words so eloquently. This was spectacular. Very well-deserved.
In regards to your questions: you had me from the very first line, and I was immersed by the end of the first paragraph. Your tone was well-established and intriguing and I wanted to find out what you were doing. Personally, I understood it to be about the need for privacy, even if you have nothing to hide, which is something I've struggled to explain to my parents for years without ever having a good way to phrase it. In terms of literary things, I didn't notice anything.Β
Again, very well deserved DD. Congratulations.Β
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really flattered and honoured that I was able to make something that resonates with other people. That's my sole aim as an artist.
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This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your words with the world.
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*bows* Thank you.
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I think it is wonderful and so very true on both sides of the gender god wo
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Thank you. Yeah, I did try to make it as universal as possible.
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..... Privacy is not a product of shame. It's not about doing something bad or morally wrong. It's simply an offshoot of the very basic human need and human right to be able to live your own life. Privacy is keeping certain little things to yourself so that you can remind yourself that you are your own person.Β
I wish I could tell her that.Β
I remember that, and I did tell her. Β She understood, and sometimes she would ask questions anyway and I would just be like "I'm not going to tell you" even if the answer was something I didn't mind her knowing.
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Well, I guess she was respecting your request for privacy then.
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Yes, she did.
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The hold that this story has taken to me is strong, and beautiful, and filled with meaning and it just brings me to tears of mixed emotion. I feel happy, and I feel sad, and I feel angry. I'm happy that the narrator can find a place to be free from the world, and release pent-up emotion. I'm sad that so few people can understand this person, and truly it would seem that she can only understand herself. This story is beautiful, despite the sadness it can bring about, because happiness doesn't have to be part of a beautiful story.
I might be wrong in thinking the person is a girl, but where I'm from I'm really not used to thinking that guys could have the mind to write things like this.
thank you for writing this.
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I might be wrong in thinking the person is a girl, but where I'm from I'm really not used to thinking that guys could have the mind to write things like this.
Whoa, super sexist. 
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I don't think she was being sexist. Nor did she mean any offense. She admitted on her own that she might be wrong as to the gender of the main character. It'd be sexist if she said, 'The main character is a girl, coz blokes never think that way.'
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I' really really sorry if that was offensive, that's why I added that last part. It's just the behavior of the guys where I am doesn't exactly make my think they're too much into things like this. >< I'm really sorry. Plus from where I saw the word 'she' so many times that's what my mind wanted to think, until I read through again and realized you didn't specify if the main character's gender. The whole time I knew and thought; "Yeah there's guys who're like this too, what with the emotions n' such," I never really was thinking that guys can't be all emotional and have deep thoughts like this. I'm not sexist, but apparently I made it seem that way and it would seem you took offense to what you read off as being sexist.
again I didn't mean to offend anybody.Β Β
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Thank you so much for your beautiful words and lovely thoughts.
It's alright, Abby. You don't have to apologise to anyone. I didn't take any offense at all. I purposefully made this piece to be as gender-ambiguous as possible because I also wanted to get it across that these issues of trust, privacy, freedom and self-expression are universal themes that the whole of humanity faces and are constantly struggling with.
I'm glad I was able to write something that touched you so. Thank you again.
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You're welcome, and thank you for your reply. I feel relieved now. 
-WHOMP-
[*****]
cake.
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I enjoyed so much reading this. Kinda reminds me of my mother, she would get angry at me for not telling her all my secrets because "I don't trust her"... but it's not that easy.
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I'm glad you like it. And yes, I agree. *shakes head* Mothers... XD
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It gripped me hard, very hard. "She thought I had a cold." Whenever I laugh, my "she" thinks I cry. I'm not. When I cry, she doesn't hear, doesn't notice. Perhaps it's my fault for not going to her, but I don't want her pity, or comforting even. She can't comfort me because she can't understand. I've heard her with another and she doesn't really get it, the difficulty of some things, why things are "blown out of proportion" so to speak. I don't want her pity. I just want her to know I doΒ cry, I doΒ hurt. She seems to only think the other I mentioned feels - she never seems to feel bad for me. And maybe that's good. I don't really want her to, like I said. But whenever I cry in front of her it's because some trivial thing made me snap, so I seem like a brat. I feel so stupid but I can't hold it in sometimes. And I think she thinks my life, to me, is perfect. She thinks I'm naiive. I'm not an idiot. I was darkened before I reached double digits.
Sorry for the rant. I really didn't mean to. Continuing, my understanding of it is that "she" is your mother, since you describe yourself as a "teenager with access to the Internet". I think that like a lot of people (me included) you're perhaps depressed, and probably bullied because "after a particularly nasty fight". Of course, you could also be fighting with her. You want to be free. It feels like she constricts you. And if you're bullied, you want to be free of that, too. I'm not bullied (thank god) but I feel like a lot in this poem I relate with. It's excellently done, heartbreaking and true. In terms of literary style/technique/technicalities, well, I'm absolutely useless at that so you don't want advice from me. xD
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It's alright to rant. Feel free to. I'm honoured you trusted me enough the tell me that. I understand what you mean. It's hard and bloody fucking maddening when the people you want to understand you the most, misinterpret you so completely that it makes you wonder if they're even looking at you at all.
Pride and keeping all that in can be a really heavy, damaging thing tho. Not just to yourself but to the whole relationship. Speaking from personal experience, you'll start losing yourself and it'll just keep festering inside till one day, you'll see that it's become so fucking poisoned that you have no other choice but to cut all ties off.
Anyway, thank you SO much for your comment. If ever you need to rant to someone just for the sake of ranting, PM/note me. I promise I won't pry.
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You're welcome for the comment, and thank you so much. I might have to take you up on your rant offer.
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welp... this takes me back to being a teenager again...
it got better. though im not as close to my mom as i was then...weird tradeoff (it didnt exactly correlate though) still...keep doing this writing thing. its worth it. and for you, it's definitely got a future if you want it.
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Thank you.
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