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swan-swan β Mai x Zuko--'Breakup' WIP
Published: 2007-09-08 23:37:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 16550; Favourites: 90; Downloads: 2042
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No, this isn't the 2-year project. I was working on that, but then I switched to this for a few hours....No subtle reference intended in the first panel....hehehe....
It's not just color that makes this a Work-In-Progress piece; it's also the fact that I'm open to advice on how to fix this piece up in pacing. It starts out very much "in media res"....I still haven' worked out if she moved to touch his scar or kiss him or even just came too close. Supposed to take place at some point in the third season, before Zuko leaves; I haven't really nailed a specific reason for why this is happening. Best odds would probably be that Zuko caught Mai talking about him with Azula and suspected/realized (as many fans theorize) that she was just being a way to keep his loyalties to the Fire Nation--it's all a deception. And, whether or not it turns out to be that way, Zuko's suspicion and betrayal is enough (here, anyway).
Whatever the situation, though, I believe that we'll probably be faced with a scene like this in the third season. It'll be the final turning point for Mai and Zuko's relationship--I left it ambiguous as to what happens next. I leaned a little more towards Maizu, though....
I definitely overused the echo effect in this--three different instances where you can see a throwback to some point earlier in the series. And poor Mai doesn't realize that "I need you, Zuko" isn't exactly going to help her cause....
Zuko's outburst is one that I seriously hope shows up in the canon--a display of anger and mistrust revolving around how she stayed behind when he was banished. Might not be a very fair demand, but....
I probably should have inked in Mai and Zuko's hair, but....oh, well.
SO....
Suggestions for improvement and adjustment would be very welcome before I go finalizing this.
I used heavy reference for the first panel (obviously) and the fifth. Most of the rest is freehand and/or minimal reference. Thanks to for some help with the Zuko designs, with her wardrobe pics.
The final panel will probably get a redo, but that's pretty much the effect I want....
And no, this was not made just because I'm more tolerant of Zutara now, I've had this planned for a while....and yes, Mai is floating in the second panel.
Characters are copyright of Mike and Bryan and Viacom.
Comic's mine.
Update: I'll probably be adding some prelude panels (two, probably), put in some sort of bridge after the first panel....and a pause or something.
Any suggestions for a dialogue bridge might be welcome.
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Comments: 134
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I like it. Advanced critique isn't something I'm used to doing very often, but I'll give it a try. Though, I must warn you, I tend to be a bit harsh and nit picky, and I apologise in advance for that should it occur, so here we go:
*The fact that all we can see of Zuko in the second panel is his shoulder seems odd. I think it would be a bit better if we could see more of him so that we can see the tension that he must be feeling. We see it when he explodes and storms off, but I think it would be good if we could see it building more in his face and posture before hand.
*Also in the second panel, Mai's hand looks odd. By that I mean that something about the position and placement both looks very passive (and thus a bit at odds with the emphasis she is trying to convey in her words) and makes it look like she has a really really flat chest, which she doesn't. Her face and shoulder look really really good in the panel, though.
* I think it would be good if you did something with the inner parts of their ears so they don't look like flat disk things. Doesn't have to be super detailed, but something.
* In the first panel, Zuko's jaw line looks too low and too round. Zuko's features are very sharp. Too round and he looks too young, too low and he looks...odd. And the bridge of his nose/brow bone look too shallow and round and... feminine. Also in that panel, their teeth look too far forward (*coughoverbitecough*). And his forehead is too short. Mai's face looks really good though (except for the thing with her teeth).
* Panel 3 is wicked awesome, except for the thing about his ear which I already mentioned.
* Panel 4 is good except that he has almost no forehead and something about his jaw is making him look really young. And there's something weird about the placement of his right arm, but that could just be that you didn't draw the line for his torso behind it.
* Panel 5 has good perspective, but they're both proportioned in a way that makes them look too young again. And I think ~Wishsong214 's idea for the pannel would be really cool. Very striking.
* Panel 6 is great, though she seems to be missing some lines at the base of her neck connecting her neck to her shoulders (I think).
* She looks a bit lopsided in panel 7 (things are up higher on the right than the left, and her right shoulder is sqarer than the left one).
* Panel 8 looks really good, though her face is too round ( I realise that she's looking down, and that makes her face look rounder, but her face, like Zuko's, is very sharply defined [and kind of pointy], and she needs some of that sharpness to show or else she doesn't look right).
* The last panel, again, is really good, except that you've proportioned her like a child again. You drew her only, like four and a half heads tall (like a child), but Mai is, like, six heads tall, so....yeah.
Ok, well, that's it, and, again, I'm sorry if I went all crazy nit-picking maniac on you. I hope I didn't seem mean. :/ I don't mean to. I really do like it. I swear.
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Nit-picking maniac is GOOD....I think I have all of the artistic critique I need now.
All I need now is dramatic critique...still stuck on that....
I'll take all of the advice to heart, there were SO MANY THINGS bothering me about this one....
Yeah, I think I'm going to blame the scanner on lopsided Mai.....
Thanks!
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Oh, good. I'm glad you found it helpful and not too harsh. And in a way, I'm glad that the lopsidedness was the scanner's fault.
I used to do advanced critique more often (mainly on fanfic), but a lot of people took it too hard--I think I made a couple people cry (it's not my they professed to wanting to be writers and begged for reviews and then their fic was utter rubbish which read like it had been written by an overly naΓ―ve and romantic 13 year old girl who had little to no grasp of human relationships or the characters they were borrowing and had never written anything in her life and couldn't spell or punctuate to save her life [not that I usually told them that...or at least, not in that way...] )-- so then I stopped. Mostly.
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Oh, yeah, I know how that is. I went through two creative writing classes in high school, a poetry class in college, and a Fiction Workshop in college....yep....I can take anything you throw at me, pretty much.
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Oh good. And I do try not to be too harsh on stuff by people that I actually like.
And as for dramatic critique, I have very little, because i really liked the dialogue, but it has occured to me that it seems a bit much for him to ask why she didn't go with him into exile, beccause she would have been about twelve years old and her parents would probably never have allowed it. I understand completely why you have him say it and I like it, and on one level it works because Zuko isn't known for being a reasonable guy, and yet part of me can't help but think of the more reasonable question of "then why did you never even write to me?" It's not as bold a question (and I realise that it needs to be a bold Q, since he's shouting), but I think that on some level it's a sadder question because even if she haddn't been allowed to go with him, writing to him was something that she could easily have done, but didn't. So even though it's not as bold a Q, it is a stronger statement of abandonment.
But do what you want about the line. I think either way is fine.
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Well, writing to him...that seems a bit too...cliche. Also, he's constantly on the move. And he's banished. They don't exactly forward mail to the exiles, or keep a tab on their address....
I think the line's fine, it's the fact that it jumps too quickly from the "Save it" to the "I need you, Zuko."
I've considered putting in another panel with Zuko saying, "Unless it's the truth, save it."
Then have Mai say "The truth is that I need you, Zuko."
But that's not quite what I want.
I need to have him letting go of her wrists....turning away....before the panel where he begins to walk away and all that....
That's what I'm aiming for.
I'm also looking for something at the start....
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hmmmm. you have a point. Writing is cliche.... and although in the pilot he had that messenger bird, it would have been rather long flights for the poor thing.
I actually think that the "save it" "I need you" part is perfectly fine. It starts "in media res" so when I read it I just assumed that she had said something that would have logically lead to that particular exchange while she had been reaching to touch his face, all in an effort to calm him down because he was already upset but she'd wanted to end whatever argument they were having and save the relationship but he was having none of it and thus we got the little scene you've drawn. I see no problem at all there.
It would kind of be nice to see him letting go and turning away though. I think it would be difficult because it's such a brief scene, but if it could be done without extending the scene too much, it could be really good.
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Okay, good. If it works for the audience....[saves myself work]
I was thinking maybe show the hands....close-up of the hands....
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That could definately work.
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That is an intense scene, and I also think something of the sort might happen in book 3. Great work.
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Thanks!
You know, you might be the first Maizu shipper to comment on this....I think....
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Oh, I don't think I've ever seen episode 9 reference for a Maiko picture. Nice. This is awefully cute for a pic of this ship.
Something that bothers me here though....Zuko's bun. It freaks me out a bit in the first panel.
Anywho.....despite the fact that I don't support Maiko and have complete faith in Zutara, this rox my sox.
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Well, thank you!
I knew I was in trouble when I saw that you'd faved it.....XD
Yeah, his bun is going to need some tweaking. The first panel will require some adjustment.....
Well, making YOU feel sorry for Mai is a start...a good start....if I can get some Mai sympathy with THIS from YOU, then I know that the writers have the plot in the bag. The audience is theirs--anyone can change their minds, you, me, Fierymonk (though he has his mind made up already, methinks....)....it's reassuring.
And I guess I accomplished my "open-ended" thing! Though I don't think I've had any Maizu fans comment yet....0.0
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XD How flattering!
Hmm...interesting way of looking at things....M and B (dear god, I'm using stupid nick names) scare me in that way. Did I mention my Iroh-Thanotophobia?
Accomplished is right! These type of endings always get me! *sniffle*
I kinda noticed. 
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Nope, not yet.
[/curious about your ep opinion, will check journal]
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I don't have cable, so I haven't seen it yet! 
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YOU HAVEN'T???
TURBONICK, GIRL!!! TURBONICK!!!
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ON IT! RIGHT AWAY SIR!!!!
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And tell me what you thought when you're done....
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I. LOVED. IT. 
1: Let me say that Ozai is HAWT! (Now I feel like a horrible person) Looks like it wasn't only Ursa who donated to the gene pool.
2: The scenery and backgrounds were simply amazing. I actually sat there going "utsukushi" over and over.
3: I watched the Maiko scene with even flinching! It was amazing! A month ago I would have been crying my eyes out, but it didn't bother me! Most of that is probably because I've grown a bit fonder of Mai. (kudos for me)
4: I was disapointed that Ty Lee didn't show up, but I know she turns up later, so it's ok. I also enjoyed listening to the twins. XD
5:What happen to Azula's hair? It got longer, lighter, thicker and looks awesome in a ponytail. Who knew. She made me so mad though, what she did to Zuko. Of course, it gave a chance for a CoD flashback, which I very much enjoyed.
6: Aang's turn of character made me frown a little, but in the end I perked back up. I'm glad he's matured a bit...or course at first he wasn't being very practical, but that's what to be expected.
7: I have found a new favorite FN soilder. The poor guy never gets told anything. XD *huggles him*
8: I wasn't expecting Katara to be angry at her dad, especially after she was so excited about being able to see him, but I can understand her reasons. I thought the scene between them was very touching. *tear*
9 : Adding Yue in was a nice touch, but it seemed a little too random. Myeh.
10 :The Earth King and Bosco. ROCK ON.
In short, I hypreventilated to the extreme and CAN'T WAIT till next Friday!!!!
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1. Yes. Way too short.
2. I knew girls would react that way...I figured for a while that he would be the Lucius to Zuko's Draco.
3. YAY FOR FONDNESS FOR MAI!!!
4. Yeah, she'll show up....soon, hopefully. I want a new Ty Lee outfit!
5. Of course you enjoyed it. XD Yes, her hair got superlong....and it does look awesome in a ponytail.
6. Yes, he's matured. Have you seen the outfit he's getting later? I mean, really LOOKED at it? The robe/toga thing? He looks a lot older in that....
7. No, he doesn't....XD....and he's got Zhao-burns.
8. Yes, it was touching. And amazing.
9. I didn't think it too random at all....^_^
10. Rock off, more of...they've left. 
You'll have to wait, though!
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Nice way to put it.
Pip pip! ^ ^
If they were'nt in the FN, Ty Lee would look pretty in a dark blue, I think. I want to see her with her hair down too. Plus: I want hair like Azula! (not to mention a room like hers)
I've looked at it, but I don't think he looks too much older. He still has a childish face and body.
I didn't notice the Zhoa-burns! Now I love him even more. Did they say his name? I don't think they did....well, until I know what h's called he shall be Puffle and he shall be mine.
I think Sokka should meet Yue again. She's too cool a character to be left out.
True dat (wowz). I love the Kings spiffin' new outfit. 
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You need to do more than look at it--you need to study and draw it. Especially the pants. His pants and shoes look.....I dunno, he seems a LOT taller than before!
The man's name is "Fire Nation Officer," according to Nick.com.
I think Ty Lee would look good in green....she sure did in the Earth Kingdom. I can't wait to see her new outfit....
Yue's a cool character....finally used the Moon Powers....she helps Aang out.
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Ugh, new outfits. XD Hnm....I guess he looks a little taller. But everyone's grown. Compare Katara's figure in season one to season two and three. Big difference. Not to mention, Sokka's gotten more manly (though he still has skinny arms. XD).
I think I like Puffle better. Officer Puffle.
She does, but I think it should have been a different shade to match her skin tone. I think Katara should try pink.
And not on Suki! Surprise!
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Yeah.
Sokka's arms might get thicker...^_^
Officer Puffle. Works.
Katara in pink!!! Seems a bit too girly....
Yep....XD.....not on Suki.....
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I'm for that.
Yes, it does. Let the world know of Officer Puffle- the Don't-Tell-To-Guy.
But it would go well with her skin and hair.
Lucky girl....or maybe it's too early to say that.
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I think this is really good....makes me sad. ;_; I really like the last few panels, where she just kinds of "fades". But something bugs me about the fifth panel...I couldn't put a finger on it....hmm.
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Perspective, maybe?
It's meant to be a throwback to Zuko walking away from Mai after the fountain incident....
Good to know that it was dramatic, though!
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Possibly...
Ah, okay then. It was! ^^
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Nice use of perspectives. As for the first panel, perhaps grabbing the arms rather than the wrists makes a much more stern gesture.
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Well, panel one is meant to be a direct throwback to "The Waterbending Scroll"...with Katara....sort of like, "What started the Zutara ship could inversely end the Maizu ship." Or maybe it's just Maizu saying "Any shot you can make, we can make better." XD
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Yin and yang is present in the Maiko ship....>.>
The slight lean of Mai's position is great, really gets the feel of "spinaroundgrabherbythewristsforcefully", but Zuko lacks the same propulsion--and, her head is bigger than his. (Like someone already said.)
To flip the whole thing around would be good (I blame you, since I watched tidbits I haven't been able to stop myself from putting Zuko's scarred side and un-scarred side into bad and good situations), or if you couldn't do that, to show more of Mai's body or Zuko's face would be good too.
Zuko asploding at Mai could be a bit more asplody, I guess.
LOVE the fifth panel. Great use of perspective.
Request permission to nick your idea? Like...The whole entire thing?
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For what? [/protective]
As to the scar thing, it was deliberate--a bit of Maizu biasment, I guess. Showing his conflicted side as the one that's stopping her. The darker part.
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What for what what? Zuko's a born leader, dominant and focused on his goal, nothing gets in his way if he's set, Mai is more submissive, happy to follow, laid-back and steady...Whereas they have a common interest in knives. >_>
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Well, I meant with nicking the idea....XD
Yeah, they do like knives.
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The...This idea. xD You know. Like my version of this comic. Which is extremely rude and possessive, so feel free to say no.
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Not quite yet, I'm still waiting for the canon to have its crack at plagiarism, sorry.
I'm working on coloring this, too, so this is a big project for me....
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Yeah, you go think about that for a while!
You're actually the second person to say something like that....maybe I'm on to something....
And I'm taking that as a high compliment for my work. ^_^
At least you ship Naruhina....SHIKAINO???
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yeah I'm kinda starting to have second thought of how Mai would feel if Zuko left the fire nation now
and I'm really glad you take what I said was a compliment 
Yep, I like NaruHina and ShikaIno 
BTW~ Aren't you swan2swan on livevideo or am I going crazy?
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oh cool. Yeah I thought it was you
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I like your explanation and scenario,it's seem like a excellent way for them to break-up and very believable.
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I've said it before and it's as true now...you feed the angst vampire in me quite well. You draw angst and sadder emotional scenes very very well.
As for criticism 101, the ref'ing is ok, but proportionally you've got Mai's head slightly bigger than Zuko's in the first panel. And this is probably nitpicky but Mai's nose is a bit longer and pointer than Katara who has a 'cute little button nose' (one of my family said it, not me but it fits). And in the fourth panel, Zuko's head seems just a bit too squished.
Other than those minor deets this picture is wonderful and I love it. I'm willing to bet that no matter what happens to Zuko in the end, a scene similar to this will play out, especially if there's truth to be had in the rumors that Azula's having Mai play her big brother like a harp. Though for practicality's sake, I can think of a few good reasons a thirteen year old young lady of fine upbringing wouldn't have gone on a fool's game of fetch with a crew of male sailors and a fourteen year old boy, Prince or no
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Well, technically, they were...wait...yeah, they were thirteen and fourteen. Good call.
As to your view of the scenario, that's exactly one of the things that I'm thinking....but an upset person tends to be irrational. And she would have been well-cared for...Iroh was there....the question seems like Mai and Zuko could have constantly asked themselves that. Zuko keeps wondering why no one came with him but Iroh....those darker moments, he just asks himself that....no wonder he's so emo....thinking about how he has no real friends, and then, well, Mai's been described as "an old flame" with him, so.....if they had some sort of a relationship, he'd feel betrayed, I'm sure. And she wants action--how often must she have asked HERself, "Why didn't I go with him? I'd be with him, I'd have friends who aren't Ty Lee, and I'd be seeing more action than this place." Both regretting that mistake....bit of an unfair question to put to her, rather cruel, but again...the angst vampire.
I hate editing profiles...I've tried so many times with the "Ty Lee Needs some lovin'" pic, but....each time it fails. I'll give it a shot, though....
I've got another deviation planned as to the other issue...."Hmmm...who do I like more? Azula or Zuko? Azula or Zuko? Azula or Zuko.....?" Bit of a no-brainer for Mai....
I'm REALLY curious about Ty Lee. Everything's laid itself out as a story in my mind....this happens....leads to the "Not this time" thing....but I think that Ty Lee (a former runaway herself) might recognize the signs and pressure Mai into going after Zuzu. BECAUSE SHE SHIPS MAIZU!!! [hoists flag high]
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No, one doesn't tend to think rationally when upset and Zuko has issues with rational thinking at the best of times so that doesn't do much in the way of helping the matter. I bet that is something they tortured themselves over. "Why didn't anyone come with me, I thought she was my friend" "why didn't I sneak on board that ship," kinda thing. Maybe that's why Mai's always ready for excitement now, she missed a great opportunity, though I daresay she didn't have much say in the matter. Heck, I bet Azula would give deliberately misleading information so Mai wouldn't even get to say goodbye properly. That's a sad image I've had in my head for a while, Mai coming to say goodbye and finding she's an hour too late, and Zuko's ship already vanishing on the horizon.
Oh yeah! Ty Lee is like...Maizu shipper Prime. She's liked the two of them together since they were little. And I do think that's sweet. That's actually one of the reasons I started liking Maizu, actually because Ty Lee likes it...that has to be the most Warped explanation ever...
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