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Torqual3D — The Casket Caper - Part Five
#amandajones #detective #mystery #shortstory #suspense #girldetective #teendetective #youngdetective
Published: 2015-05-31 19:48:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 12369; Favourites: 24; Downloads: 0
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The paper bore the elaborate letterhead of someone called the Marquis de Villard. Amanda translated from handwritten French scrawl.

‘To Monsieur Gilot, c/o Hotel Belleclaire, New York

Dear Sir,

Well done on your success in locating the clock. The item I require is contained within it. Once you have this object in your possession, kindly contact my secretary. He will arrange for collection, and payment of EUR50.000.

The clock must be opened as follows: hour hand is to be turned back and forth between the symbols below, according to the same sequence. Please act with discretion. After retrieving the item, please restore clock to its original state.

Sincerely, JB’

At the bottom of the letter, were inscribed four Egyptian hieroglyphs, which Amanda recognised as Reta (to give), Noob (gold), Nefer (beautiful) and Sat (daughter).

She looked up at the clock. It was made principally from black marble, but had a bronze sphinx looking down enigmatically from the top. Twelve hieroglyphs occupied the dial, where normally there would be Roman numerals.

A plaque below read, simply: Antique French Egyptian Revival clock - circa 1880.

This clock was a puzzle all of its own. Its face plate was still open: Amanda reached up instinctively then caught herself, just in time, before she set off the alarm.

What was inside this clock, she wondered, that was worth 50,000 Euros? And to whom? Why had Lafarge, or ‘Gilot’ as he was now known, been unable to open it?

Amanda pondered her options. Of course, the right thing to do was to hand the letter to the museum authorities, alert the police to the whereabouts of Lafarge, then go home and curl up in front of the TV.

There was just one problem: her insatiable curiosity.

A mystery was here to be solved: one involving an old adversary, where Amanda now had the upper hand. Furthermore, Lafarge was not accused of any crime in the US: without an extradition order, the police would have no cause to arrest him. He must therefore be apprehended in his native France.

Perhaps Amanda could use this 'item’ to bait a trap? Her agile young mind raced away with possibilities and implications. The item itself – whatever it may be – was not really the property of the museum; it was merely stored inside an exhibit, and they had no knowledge of its existence. Indeed, maybe ‘JB’ was the legal owner anyway?

The first step, in any case, was for Amanda to open the clock and retrieve the item - assuming it was actually inside. She could then decide what to do next.

Loud footsteps and voices from behind broke Amanda's concentration. She glanced over her shoulder and saw that the high school party had caught up with her. Behind them, the curator had returned and was about to give a guided tour of the collection.

Amanda now found herself, ironically, in the same position as Lafarge just five minutes ago. She self-consciously sidled a few paces away from the clock, feigning disinterest.

If she could just get a few moments alone here - with no alarms, school parties or curators! But such an opportunity was unlikely to present itself, especially with the museum closing in under an hour.

She racked her brains. It was possible, probable even, that the desperate Lafarge would return the next day, perhaps in disguise, and make a second attempt. Amanda needed to act quickly.

A plan began to form. She would find somewhere to hide until the museum closed. With luck, it would be deserted with no-one to hear the alarm, or at least an easy way to turn it off. She would only need a couple of minutes, and then could escape via a window or fire exit.

The whole idea felt somewhat naughty - but necessary, at least, if she was going to bring Lafarge to justice. In any case, it was not the first time her detective work had involved some minor mischief.

Without further thought, Amanda had left the clocks behind and was soon on her way to the third floor landing - her intelligent eyes searching furtively for a hiding place.

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Comments: 11

MosbyRedux [2015-06-01 16:51:45 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


Aha! At last we read the enigmatic letter. That's not the end of the mystery here, but you're feeding a little bit of explanation out to us readers, to keep us on the hook. And (I'm sure not coincidentally) it happens right before we catch up with the teaser in Chapter One and move forward into the unknown. Good technique there.

(By the way, I am referring to your installments as "chapters" because it seems more natural and less clunky to me when talking about someone's work than using the word "part," though I recognize that "Part One," etc., are the official names of the installments. That way I can avoid saying things like "I like the part of part two where this happened, but I didn't like this other part of part two; the two parts felt dissonant with one another.")

As a continuing reader, it's nice to see Amanda putting her linguist skills to work, since she is translating both handwritten French and hieroglyphics on the fly! It might be worth calling out her skills there just a tad more overtly, for readers who may not know Amanda has those skills. An explanatory sentence (or even half of one) might preemptively silence those who would otherwise pipe up about "Why would a young college student know hieroglyphics by heart?!" Example: "Amanda wracked her brain, trying to recall the look of the hieroglyphs on the pages of her textbooks, and cursing the fact that she had no reference material easily at hand. Finally, she recalled..."

I am intrigued by the implications in this chapter of another adversary (and a quite well-funded one at that). I'm also intrigued by Lafarge's apparent use of an alias.

Excellent justification for Amanda's doing the adventurous (and less than sensible) thing by trying to retrieve the item herself. Her whole line of reasoning felt consistent with her characterization up to this point, and not "forced." As a reader, I like Amanda more for understanding her thought process here, even if she's not choosing as I would in the same situation. From a writing standpoint, it takes a potential weakness (readers wondering "Why doesn't she just go to the cops?!") and turns it into a strength, with increased characterization for Amanda resulting. Well done.

(and make that "characterisation" e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/> )

I'm excited for Part Six -- bring it on!

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

MosbyRedux In reply to MosbyRedux [2015-06-02 14:22:02 +0000 UTC]

You are right, you did seed in Amanda's anthropology background earlier.

I have to imagine that Ciara is able to work with hieroglyphics, but since she's an archaeologist first and foremost the process of translation might come less naturally to her.

Now I can't get the image out of my head of Amanda pulling an elaborate prank on Ciara where she Photoshops a photo of an old Egyptian tablet with new hieroglyphs and leaves it around for Ciara to translate -- only for Ciara, after much labor, to discover a silly message Amanda has left for her.  Though I don't know if Amanda is really the pranking sort...

Clearly, Amanda needs adversaries worthy of her, so I'm glad to see the plot thickening there.

Excellent justification, indeed!  And many great stories arise from a single initial image or inspiration.  My first inspiration for A Chill in the Air was a mental image of Hannah reeling dizzily from an explosion on a snowy hillside.  It changed a bit in execution, but that scene did make it in; but the rest of the story grew from a quest to figure out (or justify) what would lead to such an image, and what would be at stake.

By your image of Amanda climbing out of a casket, I assume you mean a mental image?  Because if you mean an actual image, and computer time allows, by all means you should clean it up and post it at the conclusion of the story!  That might give the whole text a second with with the readership too; the text will have run its course as a front-page item, but then the image might excite people who missed the text the first time.

I think you're right about the distinction between Nancy Drew and Amanda in a case like this.  Amanda is a more mature character, and rightly so.  Thus Amanda's stories have the capacity to be MORE realistic than Nancy's, because there is less pure coincidence and "happenstance" at work.  (As an amateur etymologist, I'm interested to learn that happenstance is a North American creation!)  To be honest, I respect Amanda more than Nancy, since Amanda wrestles with more complex issues, with less resources, than Nancy.

Also no offense to housekeepers, but Amanda's Hannah > Nancy's Hannah.  Just saying

You are doing many things right!  And analysis (and the capacity to generate more) is what sets your work apart from that of many others.  So more power to you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Torqual3D In reply to MosbyRedux [2015-06-02 04:00:27 +0000 UTC]

Well, even for the uninitiated, it does say in Ch.2 that Amanda is an anthropologist and we know she's normally at college, so I would say that being able to read and write different languages including ancient ones would be within that expected skill set.  This said, I will try to be aware of avoiding reliance on 'assumed knowledge'.  In this case, however, Amanda has no problem identifying hieroglyphs any more than she has reading Ancient Greek.  She's top of the class at Harvard...

And yes, the intrigue doesn't stop at Lafarge. And maybe a good thing too, as Amanda seems to have outwitted him easily enough.

I am glad you found it to be an excellent (in italics) justification for Amanda's actions. In truth, I had an image of her climbing out of a casket, was inspired to write 500 words, and then decided I needed to explain it all.  After all it's not the sort of thing a normal person would do. 

Interesting question is what (if she was here) Nancy Drew would do. I think that she WOULD hand the letter to the authorities, report Lafarge to the police and then head home for a tasty supper prepared by Hannah. The writer would then be forced to generate 'happenstance' (what a wonderful North American word) so that she could then be brought back into the case, maybe stumbling over another clue or getting a mysterious phone call.

In this respect, I like to think that Amanda (perhaps because she is a little older than Nancy) is different, in that she makes her own opportunities and isn't handed easy moral decisions.  She is often fighting against the writer rather than being handed breaks.

Yeah, too much analysis, I know But she does have 3,000 watchers, so must be doing something right.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MosbyRedux In reply to Torqual3D [2015-06-02 14:22:21 +0000 UTC]

You are right, you did seed in Amanda's anthropology background earlier.

I have to imagine that Ciara is able to work with hieroglyphics, but since she's an archaeologist first and foremost the process of translation might come less naturally to her.

Now I can't get the image out of my head of Amanda pulling an elaborate prank on Ciara where she Photoshops a photo of an old Egyptian tablet with new hieroglyphs and leaves it around for Ciara to translate -- only for Ciara, after much labor, to discover a silly message Amanda has left for her.  Though I don't know if Amanda is really the pranking sort...

Clearly, Amanda needs adversaries worthy of her, so I'm glad to see the plot thickening there.

Excellent justification, indeed!  And many great stories arise from a single initial image or inspiration.  My first inspiration for A Chill in the Air was a mental image of Hannah reeling dizzily from an explosion on a snowy hillside.  It changed a bit in execution, but that scene did make it in; but the rest of the story grew from a quest to figure out (or justify) what would lead to such an image, and what would be at stake.

By your image of Amanda climbing out of a casket, I assume you mean a mental image?  Because if you mean an actual image, and computer time allows, by all means you should clean it up and post it at the conclusion of the story!  That might give the whole text a second wind with the readership too; the text will have run its course as a front-page item, but then the image might excite people who missed the text the first time.

I think you're right about the distinction between Nancy Drew and Amanda in a case like this.  Amanda is a more mature character, and rightly so.  Thus Amanda's stories have the capacity to be MORE realistic than Nancy's, because there is less pure coincidence and "happenstance" at work.  (As an amateur etymologist, I'm interested to learn that happenstance is a North American creation!)  To be honest, I respect Amanda more than Nancy, since Amanda wrestles with more complex issues, with less resources, than Nancy.

Also no offense to housekeepers, but Amanda's Hannah > Nancy's Hannah.  Just saying 

You are doing many things right!  And analysis (and the capacity to generate more) is what sets your work apart from that of many others.  So more power to you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

goblin775 [2016-04-26 21:02:39 +0000 UTC]

Great Story - I'm glad that I can read it now, hopefully in one go, and don't have to wait for the following instalments ...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Mad-Man-with-a-Pen [2015-06-10 13:48:21 +0000 UTC]

Liked Amanda'd mulling over her options in this chapter. Great description of the clock for the reader as well T3D, I could easily see it in my head as I read. I also like how it seems we've caught up with where the tale had begun. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Torqual3D In reply to Mad-Man-with-a-Pen [2015-06-10 15:00:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks - the clock looks rather like this!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

gundam20012005 [2015-05-31 22:19:40 +0000 UTC]

A trap being set by Amanda, awesome

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

AzureVirgo [2015-05-31 20:17:37 +0000 UTC]

This is getting good. Keep going!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Torqual3D In reply to AzureVirgo [2015-05-31 20:49:11 +0000 UTC]

Will do, thanks.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Curia-DD [2015-05-31 19:53:23 +0000 UTC]

The intrigue increases!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0