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#amandajones #detective #mystery #shortstory
Published: 2015-05-22 03:05:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 13920; Favourites: 25; Downloads: 0
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Amanda Jones – anthropology student and amateur detective – was very partial to coffee, particularly when it came with free wi-fi. On arrival in New York, she had turned her fine detective skills immediately to finding the best Italian espresso within a few blocks of her father’s Upper West Side apartment.Her need was not only for refreshment – her father’s parsimony had left Amanda's summer base lacking the basic human right of high speed internet access. His unsatisfactory excuse was something to do with saving $100 a month while away in the Middle East.
The quest for coffee and wi-fi had led Amanda to Benny’s Tea Shop, on the corner of Columbus and West 73rd St. Benny, short for Benedicto, was a generous, middle-aged man who took an instant liking to Amanda; plying her with pastries which the slim girl refused demurely. It was only after a sustained week-long assault that Benny discovered Amanda's weakness – iced cinnamon roll cakes.
On the summer afternoon in question, Amanda was firmly ensconced in the window seat, chin resting on hand, watching the world go by. The other hand seemed melded to a computer mouse and had not moved for ten minutes; the laptop screen had dutifully darkened to preserve battery life.
“No….. way!” Amanda uttered suddenly. “You’ve got to be kidding!”
Startled, she jumped up, scooped her possessions into a canvas rucksack and scrambled to the door, leaving the nonplussed Benny in her wake.
Out in the street, half-running, Amanda fumbled in the pocket of her jean shorts, pulling out a cell phone. Her eyes were fixed in the middle distance, on a figure some hundred yards ahead. He was a tall man, of late middle age, in a tweed jacket, cords and bow tie. Amanda knew him well.
“Ciara!” she exclaimed breathlessly into her phone, “You’ll never believe who's here in New York!”
Amanda stopped suddenly to avoid being hit by a taxi, and involuntarily blurted out a four letter word. For a moment, she lost sight of her quarry, before catching him crossing the street in the distance.
“It’s Lafarge!” she shouted above the noise of the traffic. “I know!" she continued, "I don’t believe it either. I don't know how he got into the country, but it’s definitely him.” She skipped around a fruit vendor who was serving a young lady with a stroller.
“I have find out what he’s doing here," she insisted. "Can you look online for me and check what happened with his court case? He shouldn’t be out on the street, let alone over here.”
The sound of a car horn made Amanda jump and spin around - she had to look where she was going.
But Lafarge was getting away! Amanda scanned the horizon and panicked momentarily: she had lost sight of him. Then, after a few seconds, she noticed him briskly climbing stone steps into a familiar building.
“He’s going into the Birtwhistle,” Amanda said anxiously. “I have to follow him. Yep - gotta go. Yes, I’ll be careful. Please just look into his court case and text me. Bye.”
She stuffed the phone back in her pocket and jogged along the street. Then, scaling the steps in four bounds, she pushed on the heavy, revolving door of the old neo-gothic building: the Birtwhistle Museum.
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Comments: 29
MosbyRedux [2015-05-22 14:59:06 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
As before, this will be part critique and part proofreading.
Very humorous and charming introduction to Amanda proper, and I think her priorities here match those of many in the young generation today e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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(Smile)"/> I'm very glad you mentioned the coffee -- I've been meaning to ask you how Amanda takes her coffee, to inform the CYOA I'm constructing with perilsofdawn. What is Amanda's ideal coffee drink, including any flourishes (shots, whipped cream, etc.)? I think you'll like the end result of the scene when it's finished
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Something about Amanda's dreamy out-the-window pose is reminiscent of your picture of her before the Christmas Caper at St. Hilda's, and is begging for its own depiction.
As before, there seems to be a good ratio here between background description and an intriguing hook for action. Well-played!
I like the use of Ciara -- even if her presence is entirely offstage for this adventure, it's nice to see Amanda calling upon her existing friends, contacts and resources when the need arises. And Amanda's description of Lafarge gives me enough reason to be interested in her catching up to him, without (yet) feeling like I need the full backstory.
I also like the intervening descriptions of Amanda repeatedly risking herself in pedestrian maneuvers -- it shows her single-minded pursuit of her chosen course, and also a bit of her haplessness. I am sure both traits will rear their heads again in the ensuing story, so it's good to establish them early on (esp. for first-time readers, should there be any e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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Fact that you are writing something: heard, understood, acknowledged, appreciated! Looking forward to Part 3.
Proofreading:
4th paragraph: for some reason, editing to read "chin resting on her hand" sounds more natural to me.
Penultimate paragraph: I would remove the comma between "said" and "anxiously," and then end the sentence after "anxiously." Amanda's next line of dialogue can begin the next sentence.
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MosbyRedux In reply to MosbyRedux [2015-05-22 18:12:55 +0000 UTC]
I see the issue, and plead no contest -- a double "her" is indeed unwieldy. And let us not speak at all of double chins
Good to know about the coffee; I am not a partaker myself, so all my knowledge is secondhand. I'll come up with something appropriate for the scene (basically someone in a coffee shop sends her a paid-for drink, similar to how adults of age might receive a personalized alcoholic drink in a bar).
Interesting comment on Amanda's being alone in public -- with some people, that would proceed from a desire to see and be seen, but I'm not sure that's Amanda's angle. Will have to keep this in mind and ponder it further.
I guess being a DA member runs in the family! Perhaps one of these days you can do a post "as Amanda" -- though you'd have to decide what her chosen medium is (poetry, photography, etc.).
Looking forward to Part 3 when it comes. Happy writing!
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Torqual3D In reply to MosbyRedux [2015-05-22 17:42:45 +0000 UTC]
And well, Amanda takes coffee in many different ways. Sometimes a relaxing, self-indulgent latte, or at other times an energizing espresso. What's more important is the process. She's naturally a loner, but quite likes to be alone in public. And she NEEDS internet access. How else can she check deviantART etc
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Torqual3D In reply to MosbyRedux [2015-05-22 17:38:40 +0000 UTC]
Thanks again. Have made the second edit but not the first. I tried it out but it didn't look right. It's either chin resting on hand, or HER chin resting on HER hand, I think - any hybrid is inconsistent, and the double 'her' is unwieldy.
Part 3 is up tonight, I hope.
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Gwarmadillo [2015-06-14 21:39:28 +0000 UTC]
Again, short and sweet and to the point. Nice that we get a little nod to Ciara here, and it's good to see Amanda's curiosity is as strong as ever - always gets her into some excellent trouble. Definitely gives me reason to keep reading, and keep reading I shall.
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Torqual3D In reply to Gwarmadillo [2015-06-15 00:36:38 +0000 UTC]
There is no way she would raise an eyebrow and think 'there goes a villain, must have another cinnamon roll'.
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bogarthat [2015-05-27 18:47:05 +0000 UTC]
Great story! I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda fall victim to Benny's extra special spiked cinnamon rolls...,
Mike
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Torqual3D In reply to bogarthat [2015-05-27 19:00:01 +0000 UTC]
I am not sure whether Benny is quite that devious...
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bogarthat In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-27 19:24:33 +0000 UTC]
Well if Amanda's going to have a weakness, it's gotta be exploited! There's always the danger of some evil baker lurking in the shadows, with a stack of poisoned pastries and dreams of getting his powdered-sugar-coated-hands on Amanda's buns!,
Mike
(Keep writing!)
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Torqual3D In reply to bogarthat [2015-05-27 19:27:10 +0000 UTC]
About to post today's update... 15 more mins!
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amazonarrow [2015-05-22 12:10:31 +0000 UTC]
I don't know about the "quickie" stories. I'm torn. I like that they are quick reads, but I'm also inclined to just wait until you have finished them all and then read them all at once.
Netflix has turned me into a binge watcher. I prefer my serialized stories all in one shot... but maybe that's just me.
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Torqual3D In reply to amazonarrow [2015-05-22 14:16:41 +0000 UTC]
Well I can keep going with daily chapters and then you can read them all in one go at the end?
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amazonarrow In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-22 14:28:53 +0000 UTC]
Actually i couldn't wait and I've already read the first two, so apparently I'm not as patient as I'd like to be.
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TimOrgano [2015-05-22 08:39:06 +0000 UTC]
Oooh, this is getting good.
But for shit sake, are you trying to make me fall in love with Amanda? Iced Cinnamon Rolls? Seriously?
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Torqual3D In reply to TimOrgano [2015-05-22 14:16:57 +0000 UTC]
I think you're already beyond the point of salvation.
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TimOrgano In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-22 14:23:58 +0000 UTC]
You may be right, there. But this just makes it worse
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Hoz3DArt [2015-05-22 08:32:28 +0000 UTC]
Nice update! Great to see what Amanda was up to before the first part.
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TH56ma3LZ [2015-05-22 06:15:24 +0000 UTC]
Nice stuff, Torqual. And dashing after evil doers will run off the calories supplied by those iced cinnamon roll cakes...
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Torqual3D In reply to TH56ma3LZ [2015-05-22 14:17:39 +0000 UTC]
Oh she's already been running in central park - not an ounce of fat on our Amanda.
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Torqual3D In reply to Curia-DD [2015-05-22 03:21:59 +0000 UTC]
Great! I would hate to think of people scanning through long chapters. Maybe this is a formula that works. Especially for a suspense story.
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monsieurpaul In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-22 03:41:16 +0000 UTC]
And especially for non-english readers...
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Torqual3D In reply to monsieurpaul [2015-05-22 03:44:49 +0000 UTC]
Those awake at 05.40 deserve short chapters...
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Curia-DD In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-22 03:32:20 +0000 UTC]
I think it does!! Even if I am a bit biased
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Mad-Man-with-a-Pen [2015-05-22 03:11:35 +0000 UTC]
Ahhh nice I like it. Seems like we're picking Amanda up before the events in the museum, which is great. Plays up the mystery more
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Torqual3D In reply to Mad-Man-with-a-Pen [2015-05-22 03:18:43 +0000 UTC]
So it's clear that this takes place before? I just wanted to check that it's not confusing for anyone.
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Mad-Man-with-a-Pen In reply to Torqual3D [2015-05-22 04:15:37 +0000 UTC]
I picked up on it, so no worries
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