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TranslucentWings — hag
Published: 2004-07-20 00:09:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 257; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 51
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Description
.somewhere along the line
love for me was transformed
into
an angle at the bottom of a beer
or
the ash from my cigarette;
awaiting a
tourist
to
trip.
incessant pulse
ticking
in the maudlin garages,
backfields
of his mind.
lurching over luggage
over-exposed photos
the sorry man
has fell
for someone as intrepid
as myself.
fastidiously carrying skirt
exquisite
carefully calculating
don't hurt the poor soul!
i'd like to spit on him
just to ride some angry emotion
here and there.
audacious / slash
nervy / slash
sick / slash
ragged fiend / slash slash
dripping
beauty.
i can't seem to locate my appeal.
.
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Comments: 32
"has fell" makes my head want to explode. It's the grammar girl in me, I can't help it.
I don't like the slash thing at the end--it kills the tone & power of the piece for me. And I think you could do without the underline on the last line.
Still, pretty good stuff. I think you could continue to play with it. There's a few sections that don't feel entirely together yet.
(I'll be more specific if the opportunity presents itself outside of work 
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Well I used 'fell' purposely, and technically it is not a gramatical error. The slash thing at the end is something many interpreted incorrectly : I meant it as a reading tool, so that you could hear the use of '/' in your head, because that is the way it was supposed to be read. I used 'slash' as a noun, not as a verb as I think many had thought. Anyway, thanks a lot for your comment, once again .
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ouch. gut me one more time, it makes beautiful reading..
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i'd like to spit on him
just to ride some angry emotion
here and there.
i love that and i love the slash ending... hell, i love the poem.... great work carly, one of your best yet id say
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oooo la la; thank you evan!
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Wow, this is a powerful piece... I love it, but I usually love your work! Beautiful!
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i agree with dennis's comments.. and especially love the slasher ending
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Argh!!! *pounds head* It sounds very cool, as all of your stuff does. I just don't...get it. This one seems like a conglomeration of a bunch of very interesting, original thoughts, but I don't see how they come together or what it's really trying to convey. Everyone else seemed to get it, or was so wowed at how it was written that they understood that it was good and that they just didn't get it. I like your stuff, it's always interesting, it just confuses the hell outta me.
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lol 
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Good, because I can tell something good's in your stuff, I'm just a blind man in a dark room searching for a neon pink cat ( I mean, honestly, at that point does it even matter that the cat is black?)
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Masterful 
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why thank you dennis
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I love how complex this stuff is with its images and woords, it's so cool 
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ohh la la 
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I'm glad I know you.
Rock on, Alanis.
But yes. I love this.
the sorry man
has fell
for someone as intrepid
as myself.
That bothered me. Shouldn't it be "fallen"? Excuse me if I'm wrong and you really meant for it to be "fell" for some reason I'm too dense to see. That happens to me a lot.
Other than that, I really like this. Especially the last line.
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wow, i didn't even notice the 'fell' thing. i guess you could think of it as he 'fell' like fell for me, you know? i mean, you don't regularly say 'fallen for me.' wait, maybe you do. now, that is going to bug me. hmmm. . . are there two past tense versions of 'fall'? ugh. ohhh gggeeeezzz.
thank you. for the the comment
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'tis awesome. I wish I could say more but my cousin is so kindly nagging me x_x;
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that is quite a magnificent poem, it's very confident, yet scathing
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thank you.
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ah, well then thank you!
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Wow - I fucking love this. These are the things I think about myself lately so I can relate, I can relate. Also, the way I look at it this seems like it could be written from a perspective like that of the lady I've been writing about lately, so I double-fucking-love-this.
the sorry man
has fell
for someone as intrepid
as myself.
Those lines are my favorites
And like I said, I'll 
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Yes, I wrote it from a Marla type character's perspective fused with my own. I'm glad that you liked it; and the 'dripping beauty' bit is my favorite. Thanks
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Hmmm. Marla does seem like a really good example - I hadn't thought of that before. Lately, I can finally see why Marla kicks so much ass now :-p
Anyways, you're very welcome
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wow - amazing. I'm no expert when it comes to poetry but I loved this. The layout and words are just perfect and very emotive.
Excellent work
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thank you very much
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