KisaMogwai [2004-10-07 15:28:19 +0000 UTC]

that's too kool

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ShadedRain [2004-10-05 23:42:47 +0000 UTC]

I like it. Enough to want to comment, but I have nothing good to say.

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Lecco [2004-09-02 18:24:44 +0000 UTC]

I really like how the very ending implies that her resolve was broken down without directly saying it. I really liked that, it was a strong ending...and I also liked how you used a time progression.

"Just from the chaos your breath stirs among the dust particles superimposed against the oncoming light, I can tell." That seems a little over wordy to me, although it's a beautiful idea (I do that too, save a pretty passage that doesn't work because it's pretty.) It just doesn't jive with the rest of the poem in my opinion. This is one of my favorite of your recent poems.

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LovelyJadedLoner [2004-09-02 03:18:51 +0000 UTC]

I love how incredibly vague this whole piece is... yet it gives a sense of security because no matter what, you have an idea of what's going on. Love it!

This line... it made me think "now this line is the bomb diggity!"...
*you somehow find the time to initial yourself into the oak of my chest.

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Maltaaduialien [2004-09-01 14:07:01 +0000 UTC]

Good work Carly!! I like the whole time thing. It is a good idea! And I think the end is sweet. It wraps the whole thing up nicely.

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SugarHighArmadillo [2004-09-01 00:15:21 +0000 UTC]

Whow! Dats DEEEEEEP!!!! Well at least I think so... I dont understand alot of things though so dont take it personaly. I think I understand it... Well I just know if Matt don't get it, it's good writing! I'm serious... That's a compliment, really!

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TerrapinFlyer [2004-09-01 00:01:40 +0000 UTC]

Yo I totally just noticed that the time on the clock in the preview image is 9:01, very slick

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quintessa27 [2004-08-31 23:34:30 +0000 UTC]

heh heh!! i think it's great--I really like the "initial yourself into the oak of my chest" part.

my only thing crtisim is that i had to read this extremely slow to understand it--meaning i had to do the mental dictionary-thing on some of the words--not that they're HUGE or out of place, just not COMMON place--what I mean is, you have to be smart to read this, god damn it, lol.--what a strange critism!! lol, it's not actually a critism--kinda depends on how you wanted it to come off. it all makes sense, it just makes idiots like me have to slow down, lol. ANYWAYS...

i like it b/c it really sums up (to the point of making me laugh with the familliarty) how you are with ethan. like, "I REALLY DON"T CARE ABOUT HIM--REALLY!!!!" and then a few days later you're like "dude, i would totally fuck ethan"--lol. you sum it up well with the "It's 9:01 and you win." great job with this. wow, i think that's my longest comment on your stuff.

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dubbilex [2004-08-31 12:25:14 +0000 UTC]

I like the puns! Especially the "I'm coming at 2:52"

Also, the chronological theme is interesting. Do those particular times actually have significance, or did you just make them up? Either way, it's definitely interesting.

As was said before, the mentioning of the 'oak of your chest' makes for kind of an awkward line. Perhaps the oak has some sort of special significance to you, but as a third-part reader it just kind of seems like nonsense.

The first sentence in the fourth section is also notable - it reminds me of the very first sentence (which could either be redundant if it wasn't on purpose and ironic if it was actually a conscious effort on your part). Either way, I think it adds something to the piece by tying the end to the beginning.

Now on a personal note, I think I see exactly where this is coming from. And lemme tell you - I can respect it because giving up is the hardest thing to do. I half hope that this is a finished chapter for your sake (those damn memories are awful hard to shake), but I half hope it's not because the writing coming out of it is great.

Great work, Carly

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TerrapinFlyer [2004-08-31 11:25:23 +0000 UTC]

Very nice Carly I like how you create the feeling that you don't like what's going on in this piece, but find yourself powerless to stop it. Maybe not a good thing, but it makes for some mighty fine writing. The whole thing is written wonderfully, as usual, and I'd like to highlight a line or two;

"..initial yourself into the oak of my chest."

"It's not an entirely new concept, but I'll pretend it is for your sake."

"I realize my words can find no walls, so maybe that's our problem."

The only criticism I can offer is questioning that colon in the second paragraph. Just what is going on there?

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Drained [2004-08-31 03:39:40 +0000 UTC]

dude. i love this. it's awesome.

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VoodooChild939 [2004-08-31 02:59:06 +0000 UTC]

this is so fascinating, I must confess that I don't really get it, but I mean that in a good way, I adore this piece

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deviantkupo [2004-08-31 02:51:48 +0000 UTC]

FIRST LINE! "Eachother"! IT'S TWO WORDS, DAMN YOUR SPACEBAR.

STILL ON THE FIRST LINE! "In between drags on a self-appropriated addiction". That's cool. I like the general irony which lurks around it.

CONTINUING ONWARD! "initial yourself into the oak of my chest" I dunno, it might just be me, but that's quite an awkward sentence. Especially the word "oak", it's awkward. In such a short piece, I imagine even word sounds are important.

VAUGE CONCLUSION! I like the ending. It's a bit sad and pathetic (in terms of the narrative, not your style) but nice in its own way. I like nice. SO IT'S GOOD. It's something I can see myself doing.

So well done!

Hooray!

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