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TranslucentWings — matchsticks
Published: 2004-12-19 02:36:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 317; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
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Description
--i see myself
inclined to thumb
wrinkles neighboring his eyes
around the corners of his
mouth.
(slightly to the left)
painting lines across
his forehead
headmarking the future
catastrophically constructed
breakdowns
sprawled throughout his sheets
among one he
asks,
"So,
do you write anymore?"
no,
not really.
who would have thought that
cotton-mouth to non
could be so charming?
--
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Comments: 36
forehead
headmarking
i know what you are going for hear but i don't think it works as well as it could, i would suggest some play with the three words: fore head marking, i might even break at fore:
painting lines across
his fore
______head
marking the future
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i like it.
i was just checking your stuff out as well.
thanks for the crit.
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actually, i'm working through yours too 
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its probably just becuase i'm slow sometimes, but i don't understand the last stanza....
the rest of the poem was very interesting, new and with better ideas than the last stanza as it built
i like the feeling that it gives you as you read it, for me it was one of being content, a feeling that people often overlook.
nice job overall
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thank you for the comment, and of course - the criticism.
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i still really enjoyed the piece...but i also like when people tell me how to improve...so i just thought i'd share it with you as well..instead of just saying i loved it you know?
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definitely. a little constructive crit. is always appreciated
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I always like to take stabs at meaning, Carly, so if I ever fuck up my interpretation from what you are writing dont hestite to slap me.
i think i know that feeling, something that is so great you dont want to write about. is that the meaning of the cotton mouth, something that exists when you have no words left to say, yet at certain points its a great blessing.
could be way off, but thats what i took from it.
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you always interpret it in such a way that i wish i had written it for that meaning. thank you so much villiam!!
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There are bits of this I love--the first and fifth strophes/bits inparticular. The whole cotton-mouth thing at the end is a little weird to me, because I don't really get it. 
I can't wait until my brain starts working critically again.
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i'll have to ditto you on that.
thanks for the comment!!
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"So,
do you write anymore?"
no,
not really.
so much feeling and emotion in these lines. I think they are the most telling of the entire poem, Irony, (bit sad-ish), love. contentment. Just wonderFUL
JUSt wonder full, carly. mmm, makes me so happy for some reason, im smiling.
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Matt, you are so awesome. You are one of the most awesome and unique people i have ever met and i just love you ! Ahhh, have a great christmas and know that i love you and your poetry and everything! ahha, i'm having an upsurge of affection towards you. i'm glad that you liked my poem!!
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hahah an upsurge is marvy, thankee, AND of course i liked your poem... twas a masterpeice. ALSO on a side note, after saying "I am le tired" (from YOu know what)for a year or so, som eone told me how to say it in real french......... JE SUIS RAPLAPLA, you dig it g?
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I dig. Yet in my Francais classe nous parlons "Je suis fatigue"!
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Good poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i see myself
inclined to thumb
wrinkles neighboring his eyes
^that part is my fave^
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lol thanks for the comment boo
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so pretty, your writing always seems to touch me.. nice stuff carly
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You are such a darling! thank you!
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Like always, a pleasure to read
pretty preview also
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once again i don't know how to critique it. i love it.
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Like this:
"painting lines across
his forehead
headmarking the future
catastrophically constructed
breakdowns
sprawled throughout his sheets
among one he
asks,
"So,
do you write anymore?"
no,
not really."
What is the significance and/or meaning of "cotton mouth"?
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Thanks Lec. The meaning of cotton mouth is just a term for the nasty slimy white stuff that accumulates in someone's mouth after smoking weed. I personalized the poem with it because my boyfriend and I are so different. And it is 'so charming.'
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That Johnny Cash?
____
i see myself
inclined to thumb
wrinkles neighboring his eyes
around the corners of his
mouth.
(slightly to the left)What's the significance of left? This line seems a bit strange by itself.
painting lines across
his foreheadDig this line.
headmarking the future
catastrophically constructed
breakdowns
sprawled throughout his sheetsI like this. A bit of emotion soused with a bit of sex. Perhaps though, it's a little bit of a disorienting change from the first few stanzas.
among one he
asks,
"So,
do you write anymore?"
no,
not really.Good. The lack of quotes tells me this was something you thought but might not have said. I like that.
who would have thought that
cotton-mouth to nonCotton mouth? Perhaps something more original? Not sure.
could be so charming?Nice end, c.
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That Johnny Cash?
^Why yes it is! I love that song.
What's the significance of left? This line seems a bit strange by itself.
^Honestly, the significance is that Jim has more wrinkles to the left when he smiles and cringes at me. If you want to know. Just personal significance that I used. (this is a totally personal poem)
Perhaps though, it's a little bit of a disorienting change from the first few stanzas.
^I totally agree. Any suggestions as to how to make the transition a bit more smooth?
Cotton mouth? Perhaps something more original? Not sure
^Not sure because you don't know what it means? Or not sure because you think it is unoriginal? In any case, I can offer an explanation but this part must stay since it really wraps up and personalizes the poem for me.
As always, you are the King of Comments. Thank you kind sir!!
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Why yes it is! I love that song.
I like that folksy stuff lately, myself. I've been listening to enough Bob Dylan to give myself an aneurism.
Honestly, the significance is that Jim has more wrinkles to the left when he smiles and cringes at me. If you want to know. Just personal significance that I used. (this is a totally personal poem)
I figured it was something like that. Makes sense - as much sense as it could to someone that is not he or you.
I totally agree. Any suggestions as to how to make the transition a bit more smooth?
As far as I can see there is no sexuality to the first few stanzas - this fifth stanza is rife with it, and the sudden change is what is jarring. The reference to 'sprawling throughout his sheets' (an obvious sexual image) strikes me the most. I guess the only way to smooth it out would be to write more in the vein of the fifth stanza to 'balance it out'? I guess there's no easy way around it.
Not sure because you don't know what it means? Or not sure because you think it is unoriginal? In any case, I can offer an explanation but this part must stay since it really wraps up and personalizes the poem for me.
I'd like to hear your explaination, if it'd be allright.
The way I see it this is a reference to, not to be crude, side effects of smoking dope. Now I'm theorizing here, but I see this line as representing some sort of marriage between the two sordid worlds (he being the doped and you being the un-doped, or non). Perhaps I've missed the significance completely and have you both wrong (perhaps it's the other way around?). At any rate, I was thinking that (again imagining that what I think this is about is what it is really about) the term 'cotton mouth' seems a little uninspired. Please tell me if I'm wrong - I'm interested in finding out what you meant.
No problem, dear. You know I enjoy it.
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I like that folksy stuff lately, myself. I've been listening to enough Bob Dylan to give myself an aneurism.
^I'm chronically in love with B.D. and folk.
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I never knew, to be honest. Makes me smile.
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You name the album and I'll have it within an hour harhar.
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Buy a Taj Mahal album. Or at least download "Cakewalk". Now THAT will make you smile.
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awwwww, i love it hedgie
sorry, fresh outta advanced critiques, im about to kill myself with american lit,which btw ive officially labeled the WORST CLASS I HAVE EVER TAKEN....... sorry, i just hate it with the burning firey passion of a thousand suns
gj 
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omg. so do i. soooo much work to do this weekend. gah. and i haven't started any of it. what are you doing for your research paper? thanks for the comment evan!
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prohibition......
GAH!!!! AMERICAN LITERATURE IS MY BANE!!!!!!!!!!!
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