SixFeetUnderwater [2004-11-08 18:17:08 +0000 UTC]

wow i wish i could give a comment that emphasised how much this poem spoke to me, the repeating of the lines 'you have sinnned' really drove the message home, for me at least. great job

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quintessa27 [2004-11-06 02:37:34 +0000 UTC]

i finally got around to it--kick ASS. i love it.

"forgive us Father
for we know
no other way to stand before You
but
naked
and proud."

sweet--especially vivid imagery in this one. i think you got what you were aiming for--nice job .

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VoodooChild939 [2004-11-03 03:35:43 +0000 UTC]

damn straight! So beautiful and wrathful, I adore you

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lesseroflindsey [2004-11-01 22:39:05 +0000 UTC]

you are one of the most talented writers I have seen on this website.
I love it.

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logey [2004-11-01 20:44:01 +0000 UTC]

her* complete works.

Damn typos.

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logey [2004-11-01 20:43:39 +0000 UTC]

I love Sexton.

I have here complete works, but I either don't have the time or I don't have the motivation - one of the two.

Thanks for this.

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echo-si [2004-11-01 19:28:38 +0000 UTC]

So I should be useful and say something critical, but I don't have the energy and I really enjoyed the poem, particularly the first half, which is beautiful and intense.

I am feeling a bit green.

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letlifebenaked [2004-11-01 12:39:39 +0000 UTC]

im also into the peephole stanza. very cool, second favorite would be the ankle stanza: very powerful i think. At first my least favorite part was teh ending, i think cause i felt like it brought the poem around in full cirlcle almost a little to much, which i usually dont love BUT on re reading, i was able to appreciate it more, SO I DONT EvEEN HAVE ANAYTHING TO CRITIQUE!!!! YOU DA WOMAN!

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Lecco [2004-11-01 01:07:30 +0000 UTC]

our moon is a peep hole
poked through the nighttime sky
through which
God,
the pervert,
stares

Hahahahahaha, that just makes me get the best mental picture of a huge, all powerful being sliding a little door like Earth and life as we know it was a "durty durty" movie that he didn't want his mommy to catch him while watching.

That stanza did it for me. Made me laugh so much.

I'm sorry if that was not the response you wanted...but it just made me laugh so hard!!!!

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tornaura [2004-10-31 22:57:03 +0000 UTC]

strong write. great ending. I'm digging your line breaks, too

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punxrox [2004-10-31 16:38:42 +0000 UTC]

Kickass xD I regret that I can never say anything other than 'AWESOME' or 'DA SHIZZLE' but that's all I can really say xD because it IS awesome. Lol. That's why I don't comment that often unless I see a particularly 'awesome' one. Ha ha.

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dubbilex [2004-10-31 14:59:22 +0000 UTC]

yes ma'am.


anne sexton
is my halve
and
my sixth finger.
interesting. You've called her "part of yourself" and "an extra piece of yourself" in the same sentence. I like that actually; it's kind of like a paradox that shows how much she actually means to you.

Maybe "halve" should be "half"? I'm not hip to this grammar shit.

like myself,
her eyes were much too large
for her face
gaping,
two open cavities yearning
to be torn away.
Perhaps this is where my "this thing is twisted" thoughts came from. I glean that, using you and she as an example, womankind in general is forced to endure martyrhood in order to be accepted. As in, dreams of what you (speaking of women) wanted are vastly different than the dish that you were served.

If I had to identify somewhere where the flow seems hindered, it would be the third line. I would take the 'for her face' line and add it to the line above, to keep with the full thought.

our moon is a peep hole
poked through the nighttime sky
through which
God,
the pervert,
stares.
I've already commented on this. This is fucking incredible.

A possible criticism would be that the "God" that you've written about doesn't seem to be gendered. i thought this line would be more powerful is he was characterized as a leering man.

naturally,
we are sure to stand
in front
of the unclothed window.

we can find no shame.
this ties in with the last line and i like it. I'm not sure whether to read this as sarcastic and bitter (because of the "naturally" line) or proud (because of the "we can find no shame" line). Perhaps it's a trip between the two. If it wasn't supposed to be a mixture, perhaps you could push it in either direction?

this is apparent
in the way
we can not stop writing of ourselves
and lap
the neighbor's conciousness
with greedy tongues.
heh - this is a little funny. Being self-critical about how you and she write about yourselves often and how women seem to care about other people far more than men. I think i see this as sarcasm ('apparent' in the first line) so there's nothing to really change here.

also how
lights flicker undecidedly
in our presence
because they are afraid.

and we are not.
I'm not sure I understand this stanza. I understand the emotion, and i dig it. The light reference may be a little vague (is it in reference to something that happened to you, personally?), but it works for what it does.

uncouth fingernails
stained black with time and
cold with algor mortis,
she has snatched my brain
in one quick draw
for herself.
she has devoured me.

she owns me.
Is this in reference to Anne Sexton? The way I read it, it shows how her death doesn't stop her from impacting you.

I think the "for herself" line kind of hinders the flow. Maybe either move it to the line above or get rid of it?

wearing the shame of eve proudly
we make sure that our ankles
are always showing
and that when we ask,
there are too many questions.

eve,
we will claw your face
pulling your skin to the side
to look inside your eyes
and open your mouth.

you have sinned.
you have sinned.
you have sinned.
The "ankles" line seems to be a reference to women as sex objects. I was waiting for that. the biblical reference also works very well; the image of tearing her apart to see inside is also very strong. I can't see anything worth changing here.

black bits of bile
and clumps of dirt infested moths
fall gracefully
unto the Lord's land
(blessed)
and you will never be able to cover
again.

sinner,
sinner.
when i first read this stanza, i thought the word bile seemed to be overdoing it. Now, I like what it adds. I like how "blessed" is in parentheses, to remind those who may have forgotten (which seems kind of critical in itself).

the words "dirt infested moths" seems a bit overmuch - that's where my comment about shock value stems from. Dirt and Moths just don't seem to mix very well (it's hard to envision). Also, the line "cover" seems a little strange. I'm not sure that I understand it. When I read it originally I recognized it as "cower" and it seemed to make a little more sense to me.

forgive us Father
for we know
no other way to stand before You
but
naked
and proud.
I have no qualms with this stanza. it seems perfectly structured and makes perfect sense too (in addition to probably being my favorite line).

Overall, this is definitely solid. I had to look very hard to find any critiques and (as you can see) they're a bit strained for relevance the way it is. Like I've said: the subject matter is great. I'm not used to reading this sort of thing from you, and I really think that I dig it. As it already is, I figure that this is probably all set to go. great work, man.

But I do have a question: was this written specifically as a school assignment? or are you just using it as one?

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TerrapinFlyer [2004-10-31 14:37:36 +0000 UTC]

I like it way much...the closing lines with the strong theme really stick and do a good job of wrapping it all up. It's like something one could tak up on a wall and call a mantra.

Honorable mention: the stanza with the moon and the bit about wearing the shame of eve proudly with ankles showing..oh yeah and the bile and dirt infested moths thing falling onto the blessed land..that's a nice touch right there...

Lots of powerful feeling in this one...anger, pride...makes for a good strong tone. Got to like the nice halthing rythm as well. Another winner

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musical-nymph [2004-10-31 14:11:50 +0000 UTC]

i adore anne sexton.

this is a beautiful poem. it is unlike anything i have ever read before.

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LovelyJadedLoner [2004-10-31 03:18:25 +0000 UTC]

This poem is truely beautiful. Such great wording and imagery.

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dubbilex [2004-10-30 23:26:33 +0000 UTC]

our moon is a peep hole
poked through the nighttime sky
through which
God,
the pervert,
stares.
beautiful.

algor mortis - when a body cools down after death, right? The way you used it is pretty interesting.
I'm also a fan of the 'bile' line - nice and ugly. This poem is beautiful like an abortion.

but then again, the last line and actual theme is incredibly beautiful.

Perhaps the poem goes for shock value a little overmuch - Palahniuk is certainly no literarary idol in the same way that Hunter Thompson is no literary idol; both are a little cheap.

Just when we thought it was gonna be happy from here on, you hit us with this. I'd be lying if I said I was disappointed.
As a matter of fact, this could be my favorite poem from you ever

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Drained [2004-10-30 22:27:38 +0000 UTC]

awesome.

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faeriescoffeeshoppe [2004-10-30 19:30:43 +0000 UTC]

Very beautiful...

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