HOME | DD
TranslucentWings — shopping mall
Published: 2004-07-28 04:41:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 692; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 36
Redirect to original
Description
--sale
advertisements pushing
advertisements
chattering into
one another
upon a sea
of commercially driven dreams
fantasized by juvenile
worshippers of
the barbie doll.
but
what can I say?
we were birthed a generation of
mall-walkers
replacing
dripping trees
and cracked leaves
with
window-shopping scenery.
And now,
inspiration is exhorted
upon a
shiny
stylized
refrigerator door
under the luminescence of
blinding lights.
as
omniscient ornaments
living lives on the limb
of a tree
echo
the strangled screams
of
domestic disturbance
in a suburbanite hell.
If only I could
maybe,
sit on a lone bench
peering through the metal vents
to the dirty floor;
much greater things
would be writ
upon this paper.
But everyone keeps rushing me.
And we
remember the price of a pair of jeans
and the color of a
skirt
while
the sound of your distant cough
lingering under blue eyes
or
the pattern of the sheets
we messed for
the first
time
last may
seem to get caught somewhere
in between
memory's busy schedule.
--
Related content
Comments: 46
I like this, the style and the words you chose. Well done.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
[wonders if this sounds strange] i came to your userpage and im jsut about to log off the internet, just browsing you know. you have the best taste in movies and music. i saw quotes from radiohead, coldplay, and the pixies. i love it!! i really want to read your poetry and prose and all that jazz but im so tired, so im going to watch you and read it next time i get online... i can tell youre awesome already. someone who listens to radiohead, coldplay, AND the pixies has to have an amazing writing style.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
haha, I wish I was as awesome as those bands!! Thanks for the watch and if you like those bands then you must be awesome too
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
There are select words and phrases I think you could do without. They are:
sale
advertisements pushing
advertisements
commercially (craving something more subtle here)
suburbanite hell. (how about suburbia sans hell?)
maybe
And now that I'm done being a picky bitch I say well done. There's a whole slew of really fantastic lines, phrases, even whole stanzas. Well done.
I love that whole last section to death.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very much for the comment and especially the criticism
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
afterthought:
You drew me in with the picture and description. I enjoy it when those are included in the art of a piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I wandered here after you showed up on my page.
Your words are lovely,
however this already strong poem would be more powerful sans the last two lines.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes, I was kind of thinking that too. Thanks for the comment
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Holy crap, someone actually took my advice.
Wow. I feel special now. I think I shall be hanging around your page, because you seem worth it.
*frolics off to go re-read your lovely words*
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
"If only I could
maybe,
sit on a lone bench
peering through the metal vents
to the dirty floor;
much greater things
would be writ
upon this paper."
kick ASS imagery there. great job 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you muchly Meg 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
it is. thank you for the comment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
this is too good. so awesome
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
wow, i feel the same way! lol, im a good ol country boy! 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lol yes sir we are country boys. hehe thanks
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This makes me extremely happy that I put you on my watch, Extremely, extremely, happy...
...did I mention this makes me extremely happy?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
haha, you might have mentioned it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
*omniscient ornaments
living lives on the limb
of a tree
echo
the strangled screams
of
domestic disturbance
in a suburbanite hell.*
^^Damn..I also really like the bit regarding the generation, along with the ending. Sweet poem
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Awesome 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lol, and i'll keep writing because I'M a nerd like that
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
alright then, may the best nerd win.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like "memory's busy schedule." I also like the little idea of advertisements chattering into one another...those are really interesting ways to express things. (And yay, I get this one!)
I also like:
"much greater things
would be writ
upon this paper.
But everyone keeps rushing me."
The "pattern of the sheets we messed" to me implies sex that two people had together...which would strengthen your poem by saying that even something as passionate and important as a sexual relationship could be swept away due to the commercial universe we seemed to have created. Thus diminishing everything else, even the profundity of our own feelings and emotions. I really like this, Carly....*huggle* Good job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks Lec, I'm glad that you liked it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very cool poem... and the ending, I love it. It's just matter of fact in your face. Very cool.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This is excellent... I dont think I could ever got bored of your poetry.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
ohh dear thank you
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Whoa - I really like this. Basically the entire second half is my favorite, because it's something that I can identify with.
If only I could
maybe,
sit on a lone bench
peering through the metal vents
to the dirty floor;
much greater things
would be writ
upon this paper.
Dude I like that stanza. Frustration sucks ass, I know, but it really makes for good writing. One question though: is 'writ' in the right tense? It just seems a little weird on me. But you've definitely outdone yourslf
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
*shrug* bollocks to my crappy eye, in that case. No problem
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Goddammit.
Yes. I love....
Alliteration is awesome. Just... the style and the ending... and every... every.... DAMMIT.
I love you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
aha, thank you so much. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
..so kool.. the usual style that can't be matched and dig the matter of fact ending.. where do you get your kool preview pics?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks
[link]
Check it out. They have some cool stuff
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thanx i always like new stock options
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lol yes they are wonderful
👍: 0 ⏩: 0