bittersweetpoet [2005-01-08 17:58:51 +0000 UTC]

now, this is prose, the repition in the beginning was wonderful i really liked it and your thorough explanation of the feelings and the past of the scenery and the way things are...was just brilliant.

an instant favorite.

i loved the ending, the ending is usually what counts the most underneath the beginning....and it was almost perfect.

my only...."beef" with this piece is this line "all fit and chipped, clipped, ready to go. "----the and seems to me like it would be in the wrong place...gramatically...if fit and chipped you want together..thats fine, but then you still need another and between clipped and ready to go. two ands work for the flow of the piece, and one and, if you chose to only have one, would need to be between clipped and ready to go...

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xonlyindreamsx [2004-10-23 15:19:00 +0000 UTC]

All I can really say is...

I feel it.

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KisaMogwai [2004-10-07 15:33:06 +0000 UTC]

"And mostly, mostly everyone's got me all wrong, but you had me right. And you wore it like a brand. "

i so love the way you write...

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SugarHighArmadillo [2004-10-06 15:47:47 +0000 UTC]

Whow DEEEP (I understood it though!) Well i thing its very well done.... so there!

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FragileFish [2004-10-05 15:49:17 +0000 UTC]

that was amazing. i want t osay something that expresses how amazing i think that is but i cant think of anything, and thats probably why i havent posted anything lately. i dont know how easy it is for you to accept a compliment from someone who hardly writes... but that was amazing. i dont want you to ever stop writing.

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lesseroflindsey [2004-10-05 15:25:26 +0000 UTC]

I've never seen such an impressive writing style.

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LovelyJadedLoner [2004-10-05 02:45:18 +0000 UTC]

I like the romantic stuff you've been posting. I love this as well. Just the wording... it's something I would write, but I haven't.

You put it in the scraps, I'll eat your soul.

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logey [2004-10-03 02:57:51 +0000 UTC]

Favorite, favorite, a thousand times a favorite.

Interesting style. I like the flow of it, the way the thoughts sort of seem to interrupt themselves. Or maybe that's just me.

It was definitely interestingly written. I don't know that I've ever seen anything like it - or if I have, I've never paid attention.

I just love the idea...

Meh. I relate to this, which is probably why I like it so much.

Thank you for this.

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tornaura [2004-10-03 02:04:09 +0000 UTC]

Hey, wow.
I'd like to see this in stanzas, actually.

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quintessa27 [2004-10-02 15:11:31 +0000 UTC]

i think it's great carly --i like it a lot. I think matt's critique of this was pretty close to what i think and the parts he said were his favorites are mine too, so i'm not even gonna try to critique it. but dude!!--i blew a lightbulb in my room like the week after we talked about that--it freaked me out and made me think of you--damn that was a creepy night (the night we talked about that)--i still can't get over those flowers...

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Drained [2004-10-02 12:11:31 +0000 UTC]

very interestingly written. i'd critique but i think it's already been critiqued to a point no one else can critique it anymore all well....very good stuff you have here. very good.

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VoodooChild939 [2004-10-02 02:34:33 +0000 UTC]

I wasn't bored at all, in fact I almost thought I would be, but you have such an amazing command of what you say, that it just makes everything you do so unique, it's beautiful

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dubbilex [2004-09-30 23:58:49 +0000 UTC]

You gave me a critique on my last piece, so I'll gladly return the favor:

So I was used to you being there, and me being here. To the fact that you are there, not here. That I could not see you, and you can not see me. That you are there, and I am here. That I am here, and you are there. And we are not together. But you asked me to come over anyway.

This is a pretty cool idea - the repetition and the abrupt change at the end get your point across very clearly. If I had to tell you that you did something wrong, I'd say something like "that's kind of longwinded. maybe even downright fucking boring." But then again I like this, so saying that isn't necessary. Keep it in mind, though.

The first leaves dead, falling onto the open road were a type of forewarning to you and today. Smothering the curbside with an autumn scented perfume, they were dead already. Driving upon an asphault casket laying down to rest the first to turn, and fall. Puns in check, I drove on.

This is my favorite part - very descriptive and vaguely depressing. Just the sort of stuff that I dig.

I had my plan all fit and chipped, clipped, ready to go. I was going to tell you to stop pushing me back from you so that you could look me in the eyes. It makes me feel uncomfortable to hear you breathing. I was ready to tell you how much I hate the way you correct my emails, my letters. That's supposed to be my forte. I was SO ready to hate the way your bony fingers only patronized pot leaves and peace signs or how you forgot to be impressed with the way I blew the light with my brain. How you were just angry that you had to replace it.

I don't like how you've capitalized the '...was SO ready...' - it seems to reach too much to the reader. Maybe as if you were forcing the reader to read it in that specific way. Nonetheless (what I just said really IS a stupid nitpick of mine, hehe), this paragraph is also great. Cool, cool.

Slipping in through your door whose creak seemed much lighter over the summer, I had all my insults in check. I was going to abondon you and the way you brush past me with stolen sweaters so that I may follow at your heels and make you feel worthy. My courage was going to come to focus my eyes against your back, and denounce your pompous meanderings spilt upon me. But you felt the need to turn and smile.

I like the first line - I get an uneasy vibe out of it. I also like how you spend the entire paragraph rehearsing what you were going to say and then forgetting it all when he so much as looks at you. That's power.

And so instead,
I yield to you. I yield to you because I miss you. Even if you laid all of my imperfections on top of your plate, and played with them before devouring. I can forgive you because I miss you. I miss you because it is me, slacker juxtaposed with you, slacker, to the status of we, slackers. And mostly, mostly everyone's got me all wrong, but you had me right. And you wore it like a brand.

This is maybe the weakest paragraph. The slacker line seems kind of wordy 9but I also see now that that's where the tiele came from, so it must have significance to you) That last line or two is brilliant, though.

Before I left, you pushed me from your chest and squeezed my arms, raping my eyes. I forgot to tell you how much I hate it.

Allright I lied. This is my favorite part. It took me a while to connect this with the third paragraph, but when it clicked it was that much more profound. This makes the entire thing - a perfect ending, as it were.

It's good to see that you're writing stuff again - it really is. I'll keep my comments on the actual event to myself, because you probably know what I'm gonna say about him before I even say it. And I'll agree with Evan - I like the personal stuff; I'm just really not able to write it. On the other hand, you do it very well.

I dig, I dig.

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moldycheesepuff [2004-09-30 22:20:51 +0000 UTC]

And mostly, mostly everyone's got me all wrong, but you had me right. And you wore it like a brand.

and the last line.....


i love them b/c theyre very relateable to me...... im sry, this is knida sad great piece tho very nicely done however, i think that the more personal writing is the better it is... so dont worry good job hedgey

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