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Near to You by Fine Frenzy

How long had I been standing there? I don't know. Just like how I didn't know what I was supposed to do or feel except emptiness and confusion. But what had struck me the hardest and the most was that feeling I hadn't felt in a long time: hurt. I hate to admit I felt like that, even just thinking about it made me feel ridiculous. Was my teasing becoming something more serious? From the beginning it was just that, then it grew into a cover up, and now...now I don't know what it is.

I was hoping to catch up with the hero, but she had a head start and could be at my parents' home by now. What could she be doing right now? Was she preparing to leave us and go back home? Did someone see her run into the house with tears in her eyes? I had never felt so guilty in my life over something I was responsible for. I felt like a child put into time out...put into shame, reflecting on what I did. No matter how hard I ran, I couldn't run away from my guilt or my shame. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

By the time I had gotten home I quickly headed up the stairs and into the guest room I shared with Kimmie. When I opened the door, I stood frozen in the doorway, watching Kimmie packing her clothes carelessly as she sniffed constantly.

"Kimmie..." I reached out to her, touching her shoulder, but she jerked away from me.

"Don't touch me," she said, her tone ice cold.

Something tugged at my heart and my frown increased. I walked to the side of her, hoping that we could make eye contact instead of her keeping her back to me.

"I... I don't really say this..." bad choice of words Shego! I sighed at my stupidity. "I mean... I'm sorry."

She ignored me, moving across the room and to the drawer, pulling out her clothes. Anger arose in me, but I swallowed it back down. I didn't like being ignored. Without really thinking, I went up to her and grabbed her wrist to prevent her from getting more clothes. She tried pulling away, but I had a good grip on her.

"Let me go!"

"Listen to me! I said I was sorry!"

She glared at me with her puffy red eyes. "And you think that saying sorry will make everything better? You think that just because I'm one of those special people who you rarely say sorry to that everything can go back to normal? Scratch that, not normal; back to the way you want everything to be!"

I felt my eyes narrow at their own accord, a snarl almost making it's way through it's restraint, but my anger was breaking free, my patience gone.

"Back to the way I want everything to be? You think I wanted this? I never wanted any of this bullcrap to happen! I was forced into this as much as you were! I told you that you didn't have to come with me if you didn't want to. You made your own choice when I gave you the chance to refuse."

"Well, I didn't really feel like I even had one to begin with," she broke her hand free from my grip and went back to packing.

I finally snarled and stormed over to the bed where her suitcase laid and began unpacking her stuff and pulled out her clothes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"I could ask you the same thing!" I said, rising my voice at her as I threw down one of her clothes. "Stop being a stubborn idiot and listen to me!"

She exhaled sharply through her nose, putting her hands on her hips. "Why should I listen to a conniving, annoying, criminal like you? Why should I listen to a jerk who keeps forcing me into uncomfortable situations?"

She scoffed and slammed some more clothes into her suitcase. "I should have never listened to you in the first place. I should have just put you where you belong: IN JAIL!"

"Uncomfortable situations?" I repeated, completely ignoring her last statement. "I thought you liked it when kissed you!"

"Well breaking news!" she exclaimed with false happiness before glaring at me with her next dead tone words. "I. Don't."

She started packing her things back into the suit case, more tears threatening to fall.

"Oh yeah? Then what about the time during the balloon fight? You liked that! You were laughing!"

"Never heard of the word, 'cover up?'"

I threw my hands in the air and let out a frustrated sigh. "Why are you being so stubborn when I'm trying to apologize to you?! Why are you acting like this after I kiss you when I've done it before?!"

"Just leave me alone."

I stared at her in disbelief. More tears had began again in her eyes, but she was managing to hold them back. I finally knew why she was acting like this.

"I get it," I said. "You don't even know how to reply to that! You're confused because you're in love with me!"

She violently threw down her shirt and glared at me once more. "I don't love you! I hate you! I hate you with my whole being, my soul, all my stre-!"

I roughly grabbed her by her shoulders and pressed our lips together, silencing her. I felt her tense quickly and she pushed me away so hard that I stumbled three steps back, smacking me again.

"Stop it!"

"What's going on in here?" my mom said, coming into the room.

Kimmie turned her back to her and I clenched my fists until my nails dig into my palms.

"Nothing," I grumbled.

"Yelling at each other isn't nothing!" she said.

She quickly came to Kimmie's side when she heard her choke on a sob and looked at me in confusion. I could only look away.

I was sitting on the steps of the house with my head in my hands, wondering where everything had gone wrong. Was it the day when we first arrived here? Or maybe just a few hours ago when I kissed her? Maybe everything had gone wrong from the beginning: ever since I had stolen Kimmie's cuddle buddy.

My fingers grasped tightly onto my hair as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out everything in this stupid world. What was I doing? Why am I doing this to myself and Kimmie? What are we doing?

"Damn it..."

I stood abruptly and stormed to a can of soda that was lying on the sidewalk. With all my might I kicked the stupid can like it was a soccer ball for the winning goal. It clattered and bounced down the dark sidewalk, only appearing once for a split second under the pool of light of the street lamp before disappearing again. I wish I could do that. Disappear like that can of soda and away from all my troubles. Away from my stupid family...and Kimmie.

I heard the door open but I didn't other to look back to see who it was. I really didn't want to be bothered.

"Gabby..."

I clenched my fists and glared into the darkness of the night.

"Don't call me that...I'm not Gabrielle."

She didn't say anything and I could feel her stare burning into my back. Why was she out here? What did she want? To cause me more guilt? To make me feel worse than I already was? What about Kimmie? What has she been doing this whole time?

"Is she...?" I left the question unfinished and carried away by the breeze that left as quickly as it came.

A sigh.

"She couldn't give me a straight answer. She's confused Ga...Shego."

Confused. Huh, I thought I was the only person feeling that.

"She wouldn't tell me what happened either."

"Is that why you came out here? To ask me what happened?"

"No. I didn't expect you to give me an answer either."

I lessened the strength of my clenched fists and bowed my head, letting my shoulders slump in their weariness. I was exhausted and pissed off, but mostly confused. I didn't know what to feel, what to do. I didn't know what was going to happen next.

Light footsteps came up from behind me, slowly and quietly until they came to a halt beside me. She stood there with me, looking up at the sky and I straightened my shoulders.

"Can I tell you something, Shego?"

I stared at her for a second longer, her aged features and lightly tanned skin under the moonlight and glow of the streetlights. Her dark eyes sparkled with something that I couldn't put my finger on. What was she thinking right now? What was she feeling?

Just looking at my mother made my stomach twist in knots. Before the comet, I was told by so many people so many times that I resembled my mother greatly, and I had lost my true features the day I got my powers. I felt like part of Gabrielle had died that day when I saw that I had no longer had the fair skin like my mother's or the dark eyes that betrayed my true feelings. I felt like I didn't belong. Like I wasn't my mother's daughter.

I tore my gaze away, burying my hands deep into my pockets, wanting to bury the memory with them. She didn't say anything for a while, and I hadn't either. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"26 years ago I was finally blessed with a daughter," she said, and I looked at her in surprise."I was so happy when I found out. Of course I was happy with four boys as my husband was, but I wanted a girl for once. A little change in the atmosphere."

A smile had found it's way onto her lips, making her appear younger.

"My parents were always strict with me and my brothers, especially with mw since I was the only girl. I felt as though I would never get the chance to have freedom or happiness. I had that motherly urge to do whatever it took to make my daughter happy and not go through what I had. And so... I promised my little girl something that I've never told anyone before. I promised her that no matter what I would love her and do whatever it took to be the greatest mother she could ever had. I promised her that I will always try my best to protect her just like how I would protect my sons."

I bit my lip, turning away.

She released a shaky sigh before continuing.

"But then twelve years later after she was born I felt like I had broken that promise. I felt as though I had broken all my promises to my children. One day, I was exhausted from work and had just come home. My husband was still at work like he always was and all I wanted to do was collapse and fall asleep. But then I found out that my only daughter had started a fight in school."

She paused, but I didn't dare to look at her. I remembered that day so well too. Who could forget it anyway? It scarred myself and my brothers for life.

"We...I yelled at her. I got angry with her."

No, mom, WE yelled at each other. WE got angry at each other

"I asked her, 'what about your grades?' Grades..." she let out a bitter laugh. "That was all I was worried about. I never asked her why she had started the fight. I never knew what she was feeling, I never gave my children the attention they needed because I was too busy with my job. But I know that's not an excuse...I know that no matter what, I should always find the time to give my children attention.

"I wasn't being the mother I promised to be. And then...she just ran into the backyard, ignoring my shouts and demands for her to come back. I just...I just sat there on the couch, frustrated and exhausted. My eldest son had asked me what was wrong, but I had only told him to go check on his sister. He took his younger brothers with him in hope of cheering his sister up like the older brother he was...and then..."

She let out another breath, and it took her longer to recover this time. I didn't want to look at her in her vulnerable state, because I could feel even myself starting to break down on the inside.

"It all happened like it was a dream. I had heard a loud crash that shook the entire house and despite being exhausted, I jumped to my feet, immediately worrying for my children. I ran out to the backyard and what I found there I couldn't...I just..."

She sniffed and I bit my lip harder.

"I found my children in the ruined tree house, buried underneath of what was left of it. I could remember the smell of the burning comet and the uncanny rainbow colored flames it burned. My eldest son was still conscious, and was pulling out the twins who were crying loudly. My heart had stopped and my hands...my hands... They couldn't stop trembling as I took my twin babies into my arms. Their appearances had completely changed. Their eyes were no longer dark like mine nor was their hair brown like their father's. And their skin...it had a light tinge of red and I immediately thought that they were burned from the flames!

"My eldest son was yelling something, but I couldn't tell what he was saying because my mind was so scattered. I was in such shock I couldn't even cry or move. I just stood there with my sons in my arms before my legs finally gave out as I looked up to see my other two sons pulling out their only sister out of the rubble. All three of their appearances had changed too...so dramatically I couldn't even recognized them.

"They were exhausted too, and after they had finally pulled out their sister, they collapsed right there, in front of me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't yell for help, I couldn't get up to hold them in my ams, I couldn't do anything..."

Her voice became shaky but she kept on going. It made me wonder where she got the strength to continue in such a way and why she was telling me this when I was there when I knew what happened.

"Shego," she said, "I just wanted to tell you this because...because I needed to tell someone how I truly felt like when I had almost lost my children. How I truly felt like a failed mother who didn't protect her children. It was after that day that they...that we all changed. Not only them, but my husband and I. What I'm trying to say is...is that you should never hold back what you truly feel and what you want to say. You shouldn't have to feel the need to keep everything to yourself. It's okay to talk to someone."

We stood there in silence and I could feel blood in my mouth from biting my lip too hard. Why? Why did she...

I bowed my head, my hair falling around my face as she began walking away. Realization had finally hit me. During the conversation she spoke to me as if I were someone else...she didn't call me by my real name.

She called me Shego.