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WanderingHere — from stardust to -
Published: 2011-02-15 00:35:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 1411; Favourites: 47; Downloads: 11
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Description
let's dance. you and me, and all the lonely people –like it's the eve of the revolution that's about to change the world,
and all you can hear is the song of captivity.
we can touch the ground and we can touch the sky,
and perhaps the wind has never felt so free, but dancing -
oh, we'll dance in the space in-between.
and they'll sing as we waltz across infinity, about you, and about me,
because nothing makes sense,
and all the world's gone to pieces.
time is short, and short is the time,
tomorrow is coming.
we may be in the gutter -
maybe we're all in the gutter -
but we'll be looking at the stars.
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Comments: 49
This sounds like a song that will be stuck in my head.
I love that first line especially.
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Very....perfect. I don't really know what else to say! The wording is beautiful, and the story is nice. I truly love the last three lines
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thank you so so much!
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Nice poem.
I like the bit about touching the ground and the sky, the words appealed to me. I also liked the fact that the last three lines were seperate because they were more emphatic that way and helped to deliver the message of the poem.
I'm with the person above, not sure about the "time is short, and short is the time." It felt a little arkward to me.
But well done!
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thank you.
and thank you for commenting. i love critique.
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Overall, a beautiful piece; I was captured from the first two lines.
I especially liked, "as we waltz across infinity" and the final line, "but we'll be looking at the stars". I love the message I got from reading this and, as an answer to you question, no. I think the last three lines fit perfectly, maybe not necessarily with the style of the rest of the poem, but with the ideas that you are trying to get across in this piece. Personally, I loved it all, so well done.
{and the favourite is well deserved!}
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oh, thank you! and thanks for the lovely critique!
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Critique for
First Off, The Last Three Lines Tie The Piece All Together, They're Wonderful And Have A Driving Optimism To Them. The Piece Sweeps Me Into The Swirling Focus Of Dance, And Our Usage As A Tool For Expressing Incorruptibility In The Face Of Overwhelming Solitude, Freedom, Sensation And Memory. I Don't Really Like The Sentence, "because nothing makes sense, and all the world's gone to pieces.", For I Don't Understand It's Purpose Or Relevance To The Previous Line Or The Rest Of The Piece; It's Quite Abrupt And Sort Of Negates The Validity Of All That's Been Said Before And After It. By Itself, "nothing makes sense" Is An Intriguing Line, But I Just Can't Seem To "Fit" It In Here Where It Is... Maybe... Just Maybe, Put That Whole Sentence At The Very End In Its Own Stanza Perhaps. Anyhoot, Peace & Love, Namaste.
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thank you so much for the critique.
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Hi 
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oh, thank you darling!
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Critique for .
Okay. I adore the piece; it has a sort of feeling of freedom about it (kinda reminds me of the middle of Walking to Mercury by Starhawk. But that's beside the point.). I like the extended metaphor of dances and freedom/captivity, and the way you have indented certain lines. The whole piece reads like a piece of music.
The last three lines aren't too separate at all; I think the separation is perfect, as it tears you away from the body of the poem and delivers you a message on a small (but poetic) platter. The only change I would make to the last stanza would be to, instead of having full stops (periods, whatever), change the first and second lines to ending with hyphens, so it would be:
"we may be in the gutter-
maybe we're all in the gutter-
but we'll be looking at the stars."
I think this has a better visual and grammatical effect.
But, feel free to ignore me.
(I don't see the Wilde quote...*feels ignorant*)
Ave, Comrade! Viva la resistance!
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ooh, thank you so much. i've never got a critique before.
and thank you, i actually like that suggestion, and i think i will change it!
carry on, madame!
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This is brilliant. The last three lines aren't too separate. They left an impact, actually, and that's a good thing. I can see the Oscar Wilde quote too!! Anyway, this really is such an elegant poem. You wrote it very well, and I love it.
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thank you thank you.
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... whenever I read your works they always make me want to write
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you're very welcome, love - i truly meant every word!
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so beautiful. First image that comes to my mind when I read this was Noah and Allie dancing on the street in the Notebook. I don't know if you've seen it but that's what it reminded me of. Very beautiful piece
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oh, yeah, that's one of my favorite scenes. i'm glad that's what it reminded you of!
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one of my favorite writers of all time. <3
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I see an Oscar Wilde reference! You smart girl, you.
I love this, personally. I love how it has the sense of being intimate and vast at the same time. And by that, I mean it could apply to two specific people or the whole wide world all that the same time. Beautiful.
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My pleasure, of course.
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This is very beautiful, Sarah: simple and charming and sad and wonderful.
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thank you, sir.
i cannot wait to see you. i miss you. lots an lots.
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<3 Your thoughts are so beautiful. This is...lovely. The last three lines are wonderful, too, they feel like a nice conclusion. <3 Again, this is breathtaking.
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ajsdjaskbnie.
Oh. my. goodnessme.
It's beautiful. As always. And you're
fabulously perfect.
I actually like how the last three
lines are done. They don't interrupt
the flow of the piece, in my opinion.
I think they add to it and really drive
the point home.
<3
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omigosh, thank you so so much.
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You're welcome, darling. <3<3
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You're beautiful.
I can't even get over it.
I like the last three lines 
Also, this line: "like it's the eve of the revolution that's about to change the world," feels a little awkward. Maybe "like it's the eve of the revolution and we're going to change the world" or something?
"Time is short and short is the time" also feels a bit stilted to me.
But that's really it.
It's gorgeous, as always.
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what does
but oh. transition. okay. sure.
but if i did and we're about to change the world, i'd have two 'and's in a phrase, because the next line starts with an and. i'm not sure if i'd like that.
thank you.
also, chat? naow?
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Oh, one of Kerri's favorite quotes on FB is that.
I see what you mean. I mean, obviously, it's up to you, but it's just a suggestion.
WHY DO WE KEEP MISSING EACH OTHER?
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oh, hhahaha, odd.
thank yooooooou.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!
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This is absolutely beautiful.
I wouldn't say the last lines are too separate at all; in fact, I think they tie the piece together wonderfully. I like that they sort of summarize the carefree, slightly rebellious, devil-may-care tone of the piece. Lovely work
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thank you so much. (:
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everything you write is just so amazing.
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thank you so much. <3
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