bbd127 [2005-12-01 16:17:35 +0000 UTC]

I'll do this in two parts - first the content, then the structure.

For content, I like the message you are going for here - you seem to be talking about giving up oneself entirely for another person, which is a very powerful message. In particular the idea of following someone to the edge of the world but always staying one step behind - supporting but not controlling - I liked a lot. The tone of the poem changes between lines 8 and 9, from abstract to specific, which I think is a natural progression for the poem at that point. I found the last line a little confusing; up 'til then you've been talking about acting as a guardian for someone, and then at the end you speak of being led. Those roles aren't necessarily contradictory, but it came across as a little odd.

I think this poem would be much more powerful if you used more original language. Phrases like "guardian angel," "Forever and a day," "I know I'm not perfect," etc. are tempting to use because they are such compelling ideas, but they are used so often that by now they seem sort of bland to read - the reader may agree with what you're saying, but you're not grabbing him - not giving him anything new. Sometimes all it takes is a single changed word to keep it fresh; even something as trivial as using "I know that I'm imperfect" instead of "I know that I'm not perfect" would mix things up.

In terms of structure, your rhyme scheme is XAXAXBXBCCDD, which you follow diligently, and I think that works well - giving the reader some variety without seeming random. This poem is definitely better in terms of not sacrificing meaning for rhyme. One area that could use major improvement, though, is rhythm. This is a matter of preference, I suppose, but I think if a poem is going to rhyme, it sounds much better if there is a definite consistent flow, a consistent meter, which you don't really have here. Something to think about.

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