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webdevelopwolf — Savage Freedom
Published: 2005-11-28 11:53:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 92; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description
How gracefully they run across the snowGliding as if on some magical wings
Leaving their black dark paw prints as they go
Mystical up there with dragons and things
They live for the hunt and they hunt to live
The tiring hunt and the gruelling kill
For a scrap of meat their life they would give
Out in the mysterious, cold night chill
Now begins the gruelling, nightmarish ride
The pray search imagery seemed to work well
It is now time for the bison to hide
Bison’s panicky mind rings like a bell
The all-powerful wolf strikes like a bomb
That’s, yes, that’s the law of Savage Freedom
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Comments: 2
I like where you are going with this - you get a scene of winter, fast-paced movement, the rush of the kill. Also, your rhymes are perfect, and your meter is fairly decent (lines 1, 3, and 10 are correct, meter-wise). However, I get the feeling in some places that you sacrificed your words to get a rhyme. For example, the "and things" in line 4 seems to be solely there to rhyme with "wings" - otherwise I'm sure you would have picked a better word. The same goes for the awkward sentence construction in line 7. That pattern repeats - you'll write two good lines with great phrases ("The gruelling, nightmarish ride" for example) and then follow with two mediocre lines that are forced to rhyme. Now, I am not suggesting you stop trying to rhyme - far from it - just that you search a little longer to find a line that will both fulfill your purpose and give you the rhyme you want.
The sonnet is a very demanding form. Keep writing them - they're great to read!
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Thank you for the in depth comment - you're right about the rhyming - I used to do that ALOT when I was younger - I wrote Savage Freedom when I was in high school - since then I've written things like 'Could You' (whcih is also on my DA), which has a better, more solid rhyming structure.
Please comment on more of my poetry - I love and appriciate your comments
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