chucktheslacker [2005-06-10 11:58:29 +0000 UTC]

there was a picture? i dont see it

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NotLikeTheOtherGirls [2005-05-18 09:05:55 +0000 UTC]

this is so butiful.
have you done it?

i have seen it somewhere else, if my memory is corect.

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vampyrdevil [2005-04-27 20:48:10 +0000 UTC]

i love it! it's really well written!

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vampyrdevil [2005-04-27 20:48:09 +0000 UTC]

i love it! it's really well written!

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NekkoChan [2005-04-21 13:37:04 +0000 UTC]

so beautiful...stunned, fucking love it...nice work

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acerbusTragedy [2005-04-06 19:47:42 +0000 UTC]

that is awesome.

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BrandonEscalante [2005-03-20 23:29:38 +0000 UTC]

did you paint that?

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bloodyKiss666 [2005-03-19 09:17:31 +0000 UTC]

*i dont have words*...so ...

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tigerlily007 [2005-03-16 18:58:24 +0000 UTC]

ohhh, I likie... hehehehe

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Gandora [2005-03-16 15:33:49 +0000 UTC]

I love this! It reminds me ohh so much of how I feel. ^_^

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VioletRed [2005-03-16 13:43:30 +0000 UTC]

Really Beautiful. It really is!!! I can't stop looking at it!!

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LongingToBreath [2005-03-16 02:16:45 +0000 UTC]

that is so awesome!

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pendra16 [2005-03-15 06:25:05 +0000 UTC]

i love the poem and i love the picture u found for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*poop happens-sometimes you just have to pick it up and throw it at someone.*

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my-darkest-hour [2005-03-15 03:51:03 +0000 UTC]

Now tell us how you REALLY feel. Great stuff . Hit me back.

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CrimsonRazor [2005-03-14 22:57:14 +0000 UTC]

The poem is beautiful and I love the picture. cheers

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poetofthepast [2005-03-14 19:30:59 +0000 UTC]

Owing to the fact that this says critique welcome,
I am going to tear it apart.
Listen to me if you want to become a better writer.
If not, don’t waste my time with pointless arguments.

Let the games begin.


rivers flowing down
pain seeps out from above
happiness hides what it can
living without your love


The good: happiness hides what it can
The bad: rivers flowing down
The ugly: pain seeps out from above

This stanza was the one out of all of them that I liked the most. Mainly because it is the one stanza that is not in first person and does not come across as a whining journal entry. It comes across more as emo but not personal emo, which makes it more bearable.
The good. "Happiness hides what it can", excellent use of personification. This is my favorite line in the entire piece and despite being emo, is not overly emo. The alliteration of "happiness hides" also works well.
The bad, "rivers flowing down". Ok. Ask a 5 year old what rivers do. Guess what they will tell you? "Rivers flow". Come on babe, the English language has MILLIONS of different words, expand your vocabulary. Open your mind. Get out of the cliché that rivers flow, maybe try a word with feeling in it. For a poem with such pain in it, don’t you think you should use words that equally reflect the pain of the poem? "Rivers trickle", "Rivers cascade", "Rivers run (this one might be a bit cliché but it has alliteration)".
The Ugly, “pain seeps out from above”. Despite the overall Emo-ness of pain seeps out, what really irks me about this line is the whole “from above”. The words you choose are so bland they make a salt-less saltine look like ice cream. Again, there are numerous ways to imply that it's coming from above and give the reader a nice bit of tasty imagery, or at least giving the reader a chance to ponder about your use of words.


One I let go of
and one I pushed away
now I see nothing
losing my soul I pray


The good: You didn’t capitalize the first word of each line as people who use Ms Word so often do in their poetry.
The bad: You used first person, and now it sounds like a journal entry.
The UGLY: A complete lack of punctuation which makes this stanza unreadable/confusing

The Good Ok. Now I suppose, (to keep things remotely positive) I must commend you for overcoming the urge that almost every poet on deviant art succumbs to. Way to go on not capitalizing every word that begins a new line. Seriously. Major props to you for that.
The Bad However, you did succumb to use of first person. First person is usually a poor poetic technique, because it alienates the reader, because the reader can only connect with the writer, not the piece. Also, because of the nature of this piece, your use of first person makes it sound more like a whiney journal entry then a poem.
The Ugly. This might explain the reason why you didn’t capitalize each word of a new sentence. This stanza seriously looks like you just typed it up on the spot and capitalized your “I”’s in a frantic attempt to make it look well thought out. Why do you refuse to use punctuation? With punctuation this stanza might actually be readable. As it is now, the fourth line makes no sense, or it makes two options of sense, because of your lack of a comma after soul, I have no idea if you are praying to lose your soul, or if you are praying while you lose your soul. Punctuation is also a good idea to help readers understand the flow of the poem. You may know how this poem is read, however, I certainly do not.


being taken over by nothing
take me from this shame
away to another place
feeding on misplaced blame


The Good: You rhymed
The Bad: Your use of 3rd grade English
The Ugly: “feeding on misplaced blame”

Another stanza which punctuation would help it make sense.
The Good Rhyming is hard, I suppose I must now give you props for your fixed structure and (in most places) consistent rhyming. Rhyming is a challenge, and I have respect for those who are able to develop a nice rhyme in their poetry, owing to the fact that I cannot rhyme for shit.
The Bad. The words you use are unexpressive. They are bland, and the imagery is week or non existent. This makes the poem boring and uninteresting, owing to the simple fact that the only thing the reader has to keep them interested is your raw emotion, which gets old after the first or second stanza’s. Use a thesaurus to help find words that better express yourself both in meaning and connotation. Use some poetic license and creative imagination and your poetry will be much more enjoyable.
The Ugly. “feeding on misplaced blame” is probably the most creative you get with your words in this poem, and alas! You’ve used it in a place where it makes little to no sense. Please, please, please, PLEASE, I beseech you, USE PUNCTUATION. As the stanza reads now; you are being taken over by nothing (still not sure if that is possible, but I will let that slide), and you want to be taken to another place, ?and that other place feeds on blame misplaced? Or maybe the shame feeds on misplaced blame? Or maybe the nothing feeds on blame misplaced? DO NOT DANGLE YOUR PARTICIPLES! Please! Throw in some punctuation that will enlighten us, and make it so we are able to understand your words as you have written them.


Blue rivers turn red
trails flow down my flesh
pushing down for relief
putting life to the test


The Good: Alliteration, “flow////flesh” “pushing///putting”
The Bad: You use some imagery here, however the words are weak, therefore, this ending is weak
The Ugly: flow, flow, down, down, down.

Your rhyme slips a bit in this verse, “flesh///test” but that is minor enough. This also does not make sense at the last 2 lines without punctuation.
The Good Use of a poetic technique, as long as it is not over used, is usually a good thing. The alliteration used in this last verse combines with the not-so-strong imagery and helps create a nice feel to the 2nd and 3rd lines.
The Bad “blue rivers turn red.” It is imagery, yes, but it's weak because the words are unimaginative. Such undefined terms as “Blue” and “Red” do not help. Neither does the boring verb “Turns”.
The Ugly you use the word “down” twice in this stanza alone, and flow and down both also appear in the first stanza. This makes you sound silly, and apparently incapable of coming up with a word that means the same as down, and another that means the same as flow. This repetition, combined with the overall weakness of the imagery, creates a rather abrupt, uninspiring, ending of the poem, leaving the reader feeling dissatisfied and you with thousand of complaints about how they want their money back.

I cannot for the life of me understand why this reached daily favorites, however, let us hope that after reading my critique, you learned a few things and the over all quality of your poetry increased. I am not a mean person, and I really am trying to help you. That is why I spent an hour and a half critiquing this piece instead of simply saying “This Sucks” and moving on to a new poem. (Now I just hope all this fits into the comment box)

-Ia

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karebear111 [2005-03-13 01:21:12 +0000 UTC]

wow

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stellattl [2005-03-11 16:39:31 +0000 UTC]

It's so beautiful!! so sad ok but it's magical! I love this picture!

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