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apollo2003 — The Well of Wishes
Published: 2003-09-04 18:51:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 45; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 10
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Description
this poem's not really done yet... Open to comments and criticism!preview pic from here: [link]
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Comments: 9
alright, alright, i'll stop complaining... hey, know any good writing groups? how do they work?
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Is the big one around here. There's also one for mostly dark poetry and writing called . Outside of DA there's a really big site exclusively for writing called open ficton [link]
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I forgot! The LPS also has a message board located here: [link]
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Howcome nobody's responded to this, yet..? o.O Anyway, I feel ike such a rick giving you advice, but there's one line that seems a little out of place...
We wish to live different lives
We wish to be taller, smarter, better-looking
See the second line? I think it's a bit much for, well, the second line... It might work better if there were more build-up to that point. Like:
We wish to live different lives
We wish we had more money
We wish to be taller, smarter, better-looking
We wish there were people
Who wished that they were us.
It'd also match your 4th stanza better, since it would be repetition of the same process:
We wish we were someone else
We wish we didn't hate ourselves
We wish we were content, happy, free
We wish we were satisfied.
Heh. Anyway, opinions are like buttcracks, an' all... 
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aaah... thanks! i'll do that...
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Heh. 
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yeah, if more people visited!
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GAH!! Don't be such a sissy-boy!! :grr: I'll driave all the way to Cali just ta' give you a swift knee to the gut! Heh. People will come. You'v just gotta keep at it.
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