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So...I don't talk about this much. But in my attempts to be more open and honest and just kind of own things about me that I'm otherwise afraid to talk about, here goes:

I sometimes hallucinate.

As far as the many specialists I've seen over the years, I don't have anything like schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorders, or any kind of psychotic disorder that is normally associated with people having hallucinations. I suffer from a pretty extreme anxiety disorder, however, and I very recently found out that I also suffer from high-functioning ADHD, and...apparently?...hallucinations can occur in people with those conditions, due to high amounts of stress.

I don't have trouble differentiating between these hallucinations and reality. It's part of the reason I was never diagnosed with psychosis. My first specialist told me I was "too lucid." My hallucinations are always really quick, and they're almost always so intensely weird or scary that there's no question what I'm seeing isn't real. So I don't have a problem being able to tell what I'm seeing is real or not.

I also never (or, at least, very rarely) have the same hallucination twice. Except Harvey.

I finally got the courage to draw him and post this here (I think I've posted him elsewhere but I have a horrible memory and can't remember). He's scary looking, but he's actually pretty benign. He's annoying, don't get me wrong, but he's not dangerous or malicious. He's more like having an annoying kid brother who likes to hide around corners and scare you...because that's what he does. But only in extremely particular circumstances: Harvey literally never appears unless I'm getting up late at night to go to the bathroom. That's it. It doesn't even happen every single time, but...when he does show up, it's whenever I'm going back to bed. He jumps out, makes a sound, and then disappears. Occasionally runs away before I can reprimand him.

I am thinking about doing a series of drawings about the things that I have seen in my life. I have a whole menagerie of things I could post probably. It's been difficult talking about mental illness to people, but I feel like if I could channel that into art in a meaningful way, maybe it will be...helpful? If not for me, then for someone? I don't know.

Anyway. Here's Harvey.

You can't tell it from the pic, but Harvey looks like he's made of hard plastic, like an action figure...but that plastic has a slightly glittery quality? And he has some sort of weird sheen to him that is green in some light and purple in others, sometimes simultaneously. I've seen cars sometimes painted in a special paint that makes them look like that, two colors in the paint simultaneously, but never on a toy. Or a monster. I think I have a color version of him somewhere, if I can find it...

Description

So...I don't talk about this much. But in my attempts to be more open and honest and just kind of own things about me that I'm otherwise afraid to talk about, here goes:

I sometimes hallucinate.

As far as the many specialists I've seen over the years, I don't have anything like schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorders, or any kind of psychotic disorder that is normally associated with people having hallucinations. I suffer from a pretty extreme anxiety disorder, however, and I very recently found out that I also suffer from high-functioning ADHD, and...apparently?...hallucinations can occur in people with those conditions, due to high amounts of stress.

I don't have trouble differentiating between these hallucinations and reality. It's part of the reason I was never diagnosed with psychosis. My first specialist told me I was "too lucid." My hallucinations are always really quick, and they're almost always so intensely weird or scary that there's no question what I'm seeing isn't real. So I don't have a problem being able to tell what I'm seeing is real or not.

I also never (or, at least, very rarely) have the same hallucination twice. Except Harvey.

I finally got the courage to draw him and post this here (I think I've posted him elsewhere but I have a horrible memory and can't remember). He's scary looking, but he's actually pretty benign. He's annoying, don't get me wrong, but he's not dangerous or malicious. He's more like having an annoying kid brother who likes to hide around corners and scare you...because that's what he does. But only in extremely particular circumstances: Harvey literally never appears unless I'm getting up late at night to go to the bathroom. That's it. It doesn't even happen every single time, but...when he does show up, it's whenever I'm going back to bed. He jumps out, makes a sound, and then disappears. Occasionally runs away before I can reprimand him.

I am thinking about doing a series of drawings about the things that I have seen in my life. I have a whole menagerie of things I could post probably. It's been difficult talking about mental illness to people, but I feel like if I could channel that into art in a meaningful way, maybe it will be...helpful? If not for me, then for someone? I don't know.

Anyway. Here's Harvey.

You can't tell it from the pic, but Harvey looks like he's made of hard plastic, like an action figure...but that plastic has a slightly glittery quality? And he has some sort of weird sheen to him that is green in some light and purple in others, sometimes simultaneously. I've seen cars sometimes painted in a special paint that makes them look like that, two colors in the paint simultaneously, but never on a toy. Or a monster. I think I have a color version of him somewhere, if I can find it...