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Blanke β Trial 3 first draft
Published: 2009-01-27 02:23:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 78; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 8
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Download to read. it's an RTF, so you should be able to see it no matter what version of Word you've got.I had a lot of fun with this chapter. I'm really starting to get a feel for the direction I want to take with Jason. He'll be more badass than he was in the comic as each battle burns away a larger chunk of that darned inferiority complex.
Any comments or critique would be most appreciated.
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Comments: 3
Well done! A very enjoyable chapter all together.
I thinks it's the first time you break the 'fourth wall' here. Just remember that such resource can drastically change the tone of the paragraph you are writing. Also, I noticed the Perfect K.O. reference 
I also like the way you are giving out the fanservice. It doesn't feel crammed it, and neither it is too subtle.
Just a little note, here: On page 14, in the last paragraph there is a line that bothers me, reading: "He his targetβs entire slimy bulk frozen, starting with one of those dragging arms. " I think you may want to revise that.
Finally, I love the way you are potraying Acheron. So classy.
Um...that's all I have to say for now. Keep up the good work.
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Ah, thanks for pointing that out. I forgot all about that sentence. I must've taken a snack break then moved onto a new paragraph without it. . .
Yes, I love breaking the fourth wall. (I can't remember any other times I did it here besides Terra saying "I promise I won't spoil your experience" thing, though.) When RPG books have been done to death, I can't take myself too seriously if I want to be taken seriously. (If that makes any sense. )
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Yep, it makes sense.
And any time.
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