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Aight I really did not know how to title this nor label it in the art don't @ me.

How's it going m8s it's been a while has it? I've been wanting to make this one for a while now, but never really knew how to go about it. Still don't know if the outcome of this upload will be how I want it to be but meh, sit down gather'roun cause here it goes.

For a long time I've always kinda struggled with my identity in relation to gender, because I was never really into things most males were/are into. My earlierst memories relating to this start from preschool I used to wear this skirt thing during freeplay as often as I could. As far as I can remember, no one there cared at all either. Around this time as well I wanted to be a girl. I remember expressing that and trying to become a girl to my parents. I don't think they really cared either. That or they just chalked it up to me being a confused little kid. I didn't know why when it came time to repaint paint my room they wouldn't let me have it be red. I wanted it to be red cause that was the colour I was obsessed with as a kid. They would just say that "red was a girly colour" and in the end painted it green. I'm still salty about that tbh, but hey my character's aesthetic is a red shirt (with a few additions to make it look less like a youtuber's character who also wears a red shirt) and I love it. As a kid I always liked girl characters more than boy characters, and so because I liked them I wanted to he like them. I wanted to look like them, dress like them and act like them. I think my sister being my influence and role model at such a young age played a huge part in this. (Probably the defining part) Secondly there's also my closest cousins who had almost the same amount of influence as my sister. I only had one male cousin to play with as a kid, (who I saw rarely) compared to a larger amount of female cousins. I was and have always been way closer to my mom since she worked way less than my dad did when I was growing up. TMI WARNING: While growing up some of the few things my dad did try to teach me to do was to pee standing up. Plot twist I did learn how to do it, but I hated it and still do so I don't do that standing up. I don't get the point of standing to pee as a male, or why some people make it to be a huge deal to do that. My dad emphasized it heavily at first until it became clear to him that I hated it.

Around my elementary school years I never really focused on the gender roles and expectations at the time. I did end up hanging out with the girls more around 1st-4th grades, until I ended up being seperated from everyone I knew by the school's system that decided who goes into which teacher's class for the year. I started hanging out with more guys in grades 6 and 7, since they were mutual friends of other biys I was friends with. In general in elementary school both boys and girls were generally relatable to each other for me to be able to get along with both, and thoughts over my gender rarely ever came up. A few times they did when it came to favourite colours, colours I used whenever we got to colour things, and some TV show characters I admired at the time. (Nikki and Starr from 6teen easily come to mind) When it comes to certain TV shows (specifically cartoons) I watched, there was always a boys vs girls type episodes where the male and female characters competed, or events in which places like a school, or town got divided by male and female. I always heavily favoured the girls/womens half of the divide whenever I thought which side I'd like. I loved (still do) love the pretty, wholesome vibes that were used to portray the female side of the divides. I know now these were based on exaggerated stereotypes but I still stand by kid me's stance. Then there was that episode of South Park where Butters faked his death and pretended to be a girl.

Reaching high school is where I started having thoughts about wanting to be a girl again. Since grade 8 I never really got along with the boys I met, and the boys who were already my friends since elementary school became more distant since my high school was huge and had over 2000 people. Most of the guys I met in grade 8 were not really reletable in general and I was not a fan of more of their rougher styles of interaction. Don't get me started on the crap that went down in the locker room. Everyone was noisy as hell, slapping each other, and doing weird things in general. I stopped using the locker room to change all together when I saw a bunch of the guys comparing lengths. The majority of the friends I made in grades 9-12 were girls again. I think my lack of male friends also came from some feeling of intimidation because of my lack of experience with male friends and not knowing how to interact or find common interests. I didn't know any other guys who liked Kpop, and the ones who liked anime were not into the kinds that I was into. When I learned about the LGBTQ+ community for the first time in grade 11 I thought about a lot whether or not if I truly identified as female rather than male. I identified as non binary while going by gender neutral pronouns. However I didn't feel very satisfied with having to choose which I identified as, and not identifying with either always sort of felt incomplete to me. Since a few years ago I have felt that I've grown comfortable with identifying as male and I do prefer using the male pronouns. Whole I do identify don't mind being referred to as a "boy" or "guy" I am not that comfortable with being referred to as a "man". I have come to consider myself as a male with more feminine traits/interests since that feels the most accurate to me than identifying as female, or non binary.

For a long time growing up, I have also idealized myself being a homemaker, or the male equivalent to housewife (I know it's called househusband but that sounds like it has a different meaning) rather than being "the breadwinner" of the family. I don't desire fulfilling the "man of the house". I want to be the nuturing one. For a career I would like to be in a position where I can be nuturing, maybe ascending from my volunteer position to full staff position at the community center I work at (atm unable to work because of the pandemic and them only allowing full staff members to work), or work with small animals, like dogs or cats, and then go on from there. In a relationship I prefer not to be the dom or the sub but rather be as equals that share the responsibilities and do things together. However I would like to be the more nurturing one of the two.

Being the one male friend of friends groups I wish I received the same treatment that everyone else gives to each other, while I get sloghtly treated differently. There does tend to be a feeling/sense that because I'm the sole, or one of a few male friends (depending on which friend group) that I'm the one they can be more physically rougher with, which makes me sort of uncomfortable. (Mostly because of feeling singled out) This isn't a complaint at all, and I am aware it's all in good fun and all that I just prefer physical contact toward me from them to be softer, and more like how everyone else is treated. I am also aware I could make that change myself by asking them myself but I feel like they should also kinda tell by how I react. I dunno.

I honestly can't pinpoint where my more masculine traits lie. They do exist and they do come out more prominently more when it comes to humour. When it comes to my current male friends I can switch to more a masculine personality to keep up with them, but I still feel kind of nervous around them even when I can relate to them more and more common interests come up.

I am aware of how badly a lot of this may be worded and could come off. I don't mean to be like that, it's more that I don't know how to put some of these feelings into words, and have to use the closest thing I can to say how I feel and idk. I just know this could all be worded much better and accurately but it's hard to express in English, or any words. This took 5 hours of translating feelings into words for at least the first half of this, and by the second half I admit I got lazy and simplified everything else, cause now my brain's starting to hurt. Also even after completing this I literally don't know any proper way to title this the way I did.

Description
Aight I really did not know how to title this nor label it in the art don't @ me.

How's it going m8s it's been a while has it? I've been wanting to make this one for a while now, but never really knew how to go about it. Still don't know if the outcome of this upload will be how I want it to be but meh, sit down gather'roun cause here it goes.

For a long time I've always kinda struggled with my identity in relation to gender, because I was never really into things most males were/are into. My earlierst memories relating to this start from preschool I used to wear this skirt thing during freeplay as often as I could. As far as I can remember, no one there cared at all either. Around this time as well I wanted to be a girl. I remember expressing that and trying to become a girl to my parents. I don't think they really cared either. That or they just chalked it up to me being a confused little kid. I didn't know why when it came time to repaint paint my room they wouldn't let me have it be red. I wanted it to be red cause that was the colour I was obsessed with as a kid. They would just say that "red was a girly colour" and in the end painted it green. I'm still salty about that tbh, but hey my character's aesthetic is a red shirt (with a few additions to make it look less like a youtuber's character who also wears a red shirt) and I love it. As a kid I always liked girl characters more than boy characters, and so because I liked them I wanted to he like them. I wanted to look like them, dress like them and act like them. I think my sister being my influence and role model at such a young age played a huge part in this. (Probably the defining part) Secondly there's also my closest cousins who had almost the same amount of influence as my sister. I only had one male cousin to play with as a kid, (who I saw rarely) compared to a larger amount of female cousins. I was and have always been way closer to my mom since she worked way less than my dad did when I was growing up. TMI WARNING: While growing up some of the few things my dad did try to teach me to do was to pee standing up. Plot twist I did learn how to do it, but I hated it and still do so I don't do that standing up. I don't get the point of standing to pee as a male, or why some people make it to be a huge deal to do that. My dad emphasized it heavily at first until it became clear to him that I hated it.

Around my elementary school years I never really focused on the gender roles and expectations at the time. I did end up hanging out with the girls more around 1st-4th grades, until I ended up being seperated from everyone I knew by the school's system that decided who goes into which teacher's class for the year. I started hanging out with more guys in grades 6 and 7, since they were mutual friends of other biys I was friends with. In general in elementary school both boys and girls were generally relatable to each other for me to be able to get along with both, and thoughts over my gender rarely ever came up. A few times they did when it came to favourite colours, colours I used whenever we got to colour things, and some TV show characters I admired at the time. (Nikki and Starr from 6teen easily come to mind) When it comes to certain TV shows (specifically cartoons) I watched, there was always a boys vs girls type episodes where the male and female characters competed, or events in which places like a school, or town got divided by male and female. I always heavily favoured the girls/womens half of the divide whenever I thought which side I'd like. I loved (still do) love the pretty, wholesome vibes that were used to portray the female side of the divides. I know now these were based on exaggerated stereotypes but I still stand by kid me's stance. Then there was that episode of South Park where Butters faked his death and pretended to be a girl.

Reaching high school is where I started having thoughts about wanting to be a girl again. Since grade 8 I never really got along with the boys I met, and the boys who were already my friends since elementary school became more distant since my high school was huge and had over 2000 people. Most of the guys I met in grade 8 were not really reletable in general and I was not a fan of more of their rougher styles of interaction. Don't get me started on the crap that went down in the locker room. Everyone was noisy as hell, slapping each other, and doing weird things in general. I stopped using the locker room to change all together when I saw a bunch of the guys comparing lengths. The majority of the friends I made in grades 9-12 were girls again. I think my lack of male friends also came from some feeling of intimidation because of my lack of experience with male friends and not knowing how to interact or find common interests. I didn't know any other guys who liked Kpop, and the ones who liked anime were not into the kinds that I was into. When I learned about the LGBTQ+ community for the first time in grade 11 I thought about a lot whether or not if I truly identified as female rather than male. I identified as non binary while going by gender neutral pronouns. However I didn't feel very satisfied with having to choose which I identified as, and not identifying with either always sort of felt incomplete to me. Since a few years ago I have felt that I've grown comfortable with identifying as male and I do prefer using the male pronouns. Whole I do identify don't mind being referred to as a "boy" or "guy" I am not that comfortable with being referred to as a "man". I have come to consider myself as a male with more feminine traits/interests since that feels the most accurate to me than identifying as female, or non binary.

For a long time growing up, I have also idealized myself being a homemaker, or the male equivalent to housewife (I know it's called househusband but that sounds like it has a different meaning) rather than being "the breadwinner" of the family. I don't desire fulfilling the "man of the house". I want to be the nuturing one. For a career I would like to be in a position where I can be nuturing, maybe ascending from my volunteer position to full staff position at the community center I work at (atm unable to work because of the pandemic and them only allowing full staff members to work), or work with small animals, like dogs or cats, and then go on from there. In a relationship I prefer not to be the dom or the sub but rather be as equals that share the responsibilities and do things together. However I would like to be the more nurturing one of the two.

Being the one male friend of friends groups I wish I received the same treatment that everyone else gives to each other, while I get sloghtly treated differently. There does tend to be a feeling/sense that because I'm the sole, or one of a few male friends (depending on which friend group) that I'm the one they can be more physically rougher with, which makes me sort of uncomfortable. (Mostly because of feeling singled out) This isn't a complaint at all, and I am aware it's all in good fun and all that I just prefer physical contact toward me from them to be softer, and more like how everyone else is treated. I am also aware I could make that change myself by asking them myself but I feel like they should also kinda tell by how I react. I dunno.

I honestly can't pinpoint where my more masculine traits lie. They do exist and they do come out more prominently more when it comes to humour. When it comes to my current male friends I can switch to more a masculine personality to keep up with them, but I still feel kind of nervous around them even when I can relate to them more and more common interests come up.

I am aware of how badly a lot of this may be worded and could come off. I don't mean to be like that, it's more that I don't know how to put some of these feelings into words, and have to use the closest thing I can to say how I feel and idk. I just know this could all be worded much better and accurately but it's hard to express in English, or any words. This took 5 hours of translating feelings into words for at least the first half of this, and by the second half I admit I got lazy and simplified everything else, cause now my brain's starting to hurt. Also even after completing this I literally don't know any proper way to title this the way I did.