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CalamityKangaroo — Invasion! Title Card
Published: 2009-09-16 06:23:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 6728; Favourites: 48; Downloads: 4
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A title card for another cartoon, 'Invasion!'I couldn't link to the script, so I'll just post it all right here...
Invasion!!!
[open with shot of Earth from space]
(alien spacecraft begin to circle the planet)
[cut to inside of a spacecraft]
Fric: Neenie bada badey deip…
Frac: What?! What was that?!
Fric: Well, I thought it would be more realistic if we spoke in some sort of strange alien dialect…
Frac: It’s a cartoon. It’s not supposed to be realistic!
Fric: But I just thought that-
Frac: Does Marvin the Martian speak in a ‘strange alien dialect’?!
Fric: Well… Ummm… No…
Frac: No! Now enough of this nonsense! I don’t want to hear it again… We have a broadcast to prepare.
[cut to war room with large monitor]
General: Mr. Prime Minister… we’re receiving a transmission…
(the aliens appear in the monitor)
Fric: Neebada bap sheeb deebada beeb…
Frac: I thought I told you to stop that!!!
Fric: Sorry…*Ahem* Now presenting; the Grand High Commander of the Gluclevanian Armada…
Frac: Give me that!... Next time, why don’t you try to do it with feeling?!
Frac: Citizens of Earth; no doubt you are all currently debating whether you should shake hands with us or blow us out of the sky. Well, allow me to clear that up for you. We have come to destroy your puny planet, because we are extremely bored and have nothing better to do!! There is no point in resisting, as your primitive weapons are no match for our superior technology. However; do feel free to panic and run about in chaos, because it just isn’t global annihilation without mass hysteria and people getting trampled in the streets… You have precisely one of your Earth hours to make peace with your impending doom. That is all.
(momentary pause)
Frac: Are… are we still broadcasting?... is… does that little light mean it’s still on?... no… look… here, let me do it…
(transmission ends)
General: Sir, I think they’re hostile…
Prime Minister: Really, you think?
General: Sir, we’re going to need someone who’s smart enough to come up with a way to stop them, and dumb enough to actually do it!
Prime Minister: Hmmm… but where to find someone that gullible…
[cut to Professor’s Lab]
(inside, the Prof. is tinkering while Calamity watches television)
Prof.: It’s done! I give you the Hyper-Freqven… hey! You’re not even listening!
Calamity: Sorry, mate… got sucked into this movie…
Prof.: Vhat is it?
Calamity: Oh, just some cheesy sci-fi flick about aliens destroying the Earth… The government’s about to get some poor dumb sap to do their dirty work for ’em…
Prof.: Umm, that’s not a movie, that’s the news…
Calamity: Oh, really?... how can you tell?
Prof.: The annoying little scrolley thing at the bottom of the screen…
Calamity: Ohh… right.
(pause)
Calamity: Wait a second… You mean the news, as in what’s really happening, in reality, for real?!
Prof.: Yes; in general, that’s the idea of the news…
Calamity: That’s what I thought…
(there’s another pause, then both look at each other with a horrified expression)
Calamity: YAAAAAAHH!!!
Prof.: AAAUUUGH!!
(the door suddenly bursts open, and two government agents enter)
Prof.: Vhat do you think you’re doing?! This is a laboratory! You can’t just come barging in here like it’s a public restroom!! There’s dangerous substances and toxic vaste!!... Actually, come to think of it, it is kind of like a public restroom… But that’s not the point!!
Agent 1: Sir, are you Professor Fenius Von Platypus?
Prof.: Last time I checked…
Agent 1: Sir, you need to come with us…
Agent 2: Your country needs you…
Calamity: Woah, woah! Wait! Him?! Are you sure you got the right bloke?!
Agent 2: On special request from the Prime Minister…
Calamity: You must really be desperate… couldn’t you get ahold of any other scientists?
Agent 1: Everyone else was… predisposed…
[flashback to science lecture]
Einstein: So, given zis infomation, it is eazy to schee za flutuations in za schpace-time continuum…
(agents burst in)
Agent 1: Sir, we need your help. It’s urgent!
Einstein: Can’t it vait?
Agent 2: There isn’t time…
Einstein: Ahh… but time is relative.
[flash to creepy castle]
Mad Scientist: It’s alive! It’s alive!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-
(dungeon door swings open with agents behind)
Agent 2: Sir, we need your help…
Mad Scientist: Gaah! You interrupted my evil laughter!! Now I’m going to have to start all over! You found your way in, you can find your way out… Now go!!
Mad Scientist: Now, where was I? Ah, yes… It’s alive!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha…
[flash to ACME Labs America]
(two scientists are putting a pair of lab mice into a maze when the agents enter)
Agent 1: We need your help…
Lab Tech: Can’t you see we’re busy with important research?!
(they plop the two mice in the maze)
Skinny Mouse: Ha-ha! Narf!
Capitose Mouse: Stop it! *konk*
[flash to dance party with beat music]
(agents enter)
Agent 2: Dr. Hawking, we need your help…
Stephen Hawking: Yo, later dawg. Can’t you see I’m getting down with my bad self.
(agents leave)
Stephen Hawking: Hey ladies. Who wants a piece of this.
[cut back to Prof.’s lab]
Agent 2: Besides… uh… you were top of our list.
Agent 1: …Yeah… that’s right…
Prof.: See? I’m important…
(exit Prof. and agents)
Calamity: Hey, wait! I’d better come along to make sure he doesn’t blow up anything important…
(exit Calamity)
[cut back to war room, with agents escorting the Prof. and Calamity in]
Prof.: Wow… nice digs…
Calamity: It’s amazing what you can do with unlimited government funding…
Prime Minister: Professor Fenius Von Platypus…
Calamity: …and Calamity Kangaroo… I’m here too… hi…
Prime Minister: As you are no doubt aware, I am the Prime Minister… this is General Mayhem…
(General salutes)
Prime Minister: We are in dire need of your help… I’ll let the General explain…
General: Today at 0-800 hours we received a transmission from an unidentified group of spacecraft currently in geo-synchronous orbit. In this transmission the extraterrestrial life forms threatened to destroy our entire planet within the hour…
Prof: Vithin the hour? But… if that transmission vas at eight o’clock, then it’s already been an hour… You’re a little late…
Calamity: (aside to Prof.) C’mon… when have you ever known the government to work in a timely manner?
Calamity: Why don’t you just blow ‘em outta the sky?
General: Normally I would be all over that idea like acne on a teenager; However… our weapons appear to be useless against the enemy. That is where you come in. It is your job to come up with a way to stop these interlopers by whatever means necessary. The fate of the world rests in your hands…
Prof: Heh, heh… no pressure…
Calamity: We’re doomed…
(transmission suddenly comes through on large monitor)
Frac: Your time is up! Prepare to meet your DOOM!
General: Oh, no! Mommy!
Prime Minister: Do something!
(they shove the Prof. in front of the monitor)
Prof.: Um… uuh… Hi?
Frac: Who are you?!
Prof.: I’m Professor Fenius Von Platypus, inventor extraordinaire!
Frac: Really?... I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this. I’m blowing up your planet now…
Prof.: No! Vait! You don’t vant to do that… yet…
Frac: I don’t?
Prof.: N-no, no… of course you don’t…
Frac: What, you wanna sell tickets first? Ooh! That’s a good idea! Write that down; next time we destroy a planet, we’ll sell tickets.
Prof.: Y-you vouldn’t vant to destroy the our planet before… before…
(the Prof. notices one of the agents eating a twinkie)
Prof.: …Before you’ve had a chance to try some of our vonderful earth food! Ve’ve got the best cvisine in the galaxy!
Frac: Hmm… very well… I shall come down to your planet and sample your cuisine. And then I’ll blow it up… I will be there in one earth hour.
(transmission ends)
Calamity: What?! That’s your plan? Invite them to dinner?! And what if that doesn’t work? Sundy brunch? Maybe a nice little tea party?!
Prof.: It’s all I could come up vith on such short notice. Besides, it bought us some time…
Calamity: And what are we going to do with that time?
Prof.: I have an idea, but I’ll need my latest invention…
[cut to government lab, much fancier than the Prof.’s, where the agents are wheeling in his invention]
(Prof. removes cloth covering invention to reveal massively large gun)
Prof.: I give you; the Hyper-Freqvency Subatomic Resonance Cannon!!
Calamity: A Hyper-Whatnow?
Prof: It sends out an energy beam that matches the resonant freqvency of the target’s subatomic particles, causing them to vibrate until their molecular bonds degrade, making the target literally fall apart on an atomic level!
Calamity: What?!
Prof.: It’s a gun that makes things go "pifft".
Calamity: You see, now why didn’t you just call it that in the first place?
Prof.: Because I’m the inventor, and I get to name it… Besides, it sounds cool…
Calamity: Yeah, if you wear a pocket protector and have tape on the bridge of your glasses…
Prof.: Scoff all you vant… Vatch this!
(Prof. switches on machine, which shoots a stream of tan goop at a target cylinder)
Calamity: Um… It didn’t go "pifft"…
Prof.: Interesting… some sort of semi-gelatinous compound appears to be materializing vithin the particle stream…
Calamity: *sniff* *sniff* Smells like some sort of meat byproduct… Yick! Tastes like it, too…
Prof.: Tastes like-?… Vha-?… Vhy vould you taste it?!!
Calamity: Well, so much for that plan… And that alien fella’ll be here soon. What’ll we do now, hope he chokes on something?
Prof.: That’s brilliant!
Calamity: It is?
Prof.: You just gave me an idea… vhen their leader gets here, ve’ll poison him! If they lose their leader, they’ll probably go avay!
Calamity: Probably? And if they don’t?
Prof.: Vell, they’re already planning on blowing us all up… It’s not like ve could make it any vorse…
Calamity: True…
[cut to large room with landing pad and a banquet table lain out]
(A small flying saucer lands on the pad. The door opens and a large alien shadow appears in the steam it creates. The shadow then begins shrinking until the diminutive Frac emerges. He continues down the ramp where he is met by a couple of agents.)
Frac: I have come to sample your Earth cuisine… Come now, let’s make this quick… I don’t have all day, you know… I’ve got things to do and planets to destroy…
(the agents escort Frac to the banquet table, where he takes a seat.
Calamity then enters to wait on him)
Calamity: Welcome to Chez Terra Firmer… I’ll be your waiter this evening. We’ll be starting today’s meal with an entrée of meatloaf ala arsenic, some cream of cyanide, a hot bowl of nuclear sewage stew, and a hemlock salad with a nice DDT vinaigrette…
Frac: Mmmm… sounds delicious…
Calamity: Yep… believe me when I tell you, this is a meal to die for…
(Frac begins eating; time-lapse to later and pan across the table full of ravished dishes, stopping on Frac.)
Frac: *Uuurp!* Mm-mmm… your Earth food is exquisite… It’s a shame I have to go blow up your planet now…
Calamity: Wha- whu- Wait!! You can’t go yet… you haven’t had dessert…
Frac: Hmm… very well…
Calamity: S-stay right here. I’ll go get it…
(Calamity runs off to kitchen)
[Cut to inside of kitchen]
(The Prof., wearing a chef’s hat, is busy pouring green goop out of a metal drum marked with a ‘nuclear’ symbol into a mixing bowl while a plume if smoke in a ‘skull and crossbones’ shape rises from the mixture.)
(Calamity enters)
Calamity: It’s not working! What’re we gonna do?!
Prof.: Ve’ve fed him every toxic substance known to man… perhaps his alien physiology is significantly different from our own…
Calamity: Naw… really?!
Prof.: All ve’ve got left are brussel sprouts and spam…
Calamity: Not the brussel sprouts, mate… I wouldn’t do that to me worst enemy…
[cut back to banquet table]
(the Prof. and Calamity enter from the kitchen)
Prof.: Okay… ve’ve saved the best delicacy for last… SPAM! It’s the only meat you can eat… vith a spoon!!
(as he says this, the Prof. takes a spoon and jams it into the can, and then pulls the whole gooey block out with a satisfying *splort.* He then holds the spam, still stuck on the spoon, toward Frac)
Frac: Eeeww… Get that away from me! We Gluclevanians are deathly allergic to meat byproduct! What’re you trying to do, kill me?!... *Gasp* That’s it, isn’t it? This whole ruse was just a clever ploy to feed me this ‘spam’ and knock me off!!...
Prof.: Actually, it vas a clever ploy to feed you poison and knock you off… the spam vas just a fluke…
Frac: And to think, after all that good food I even considered sparing this pathetic rock! Well, you can forget about that now!
(Frac gets up and leaves the table in a huff, returning to his small saucer.)
Frac: I’m going back to my ship… and when I get there… ka-BOOOM!!!
(the saucer door slams closed and the craft jets away.)
Calamity: Way to go, Emeril…
Prof.: Darn spam… that’s it! You said the goop from my Hyper-Freqvency Subatomic Resonance Cannon tasted like meat byproduct! Do you realize vhat that means?!
Calamity: Next you’ll invent a revolver that shoots vienna sausages?
Prof.: No… It’s a SPAM CANNON!!!!
Calamity: There’s two words I never thought I’d hear coupled together… especially that emphatically….
[cut back to war room, where the Prof. is explaining the situation]
Prof.: …so you see, I think ve can use my spam cannon to defeat them… the only problem is how to get it vithin firing range…
General: I do believe we can help with that…
(the General leads them all to a pair of large hangar doors)
General: We got this here on loan from area 51, over in the States…
(the General pulls a lever and the doors open to reveal a large cylindrical spaceship of alien design)
Calamity: I though they were supposed to be flying saucers… looks like a big teacup!
General: The saucer part was damaged beyond repair. This was all that was left…
Calamity: (aside) Oh, I get it… cup and saucer… *heh, heh*… we need new writers…
General: We’ll mount your cannon, and then prep for launch…
Prof.: Do you even know how to fly that thing?
General: We have absolutely no idea… That’s why you’re gonna fly it…
Prof.: Vhat?! Vait… how am I supposed to know how to fly it?!
General: You’re the scientist; you figure it out…
Prof.: But… Vait… I… I don’t… and then you… and I…
(the Prof. and Calamity are reluctantly escorted off by the agents to get ready)
[cut to moments later as the two make their final preparations]
Prof.: I’m not sure I vant to do this…
Calamity: What, you’d rather we all get vaporized?
Prof.: It’s just that… my Hyper-Freqven-… my spam cannon doesn’t do vhat it’s supposed to… It’s a failure… And if I use it to save the vorld, then I’ll go down in history as a failure…
Calamity: I wouldn’t worry about that, mate. You’ve already got that spot reserved…
Prof.: You’re not helping.
Calamity: Look, I’m pretty sure folks’ll overlook that little detail in light of the whole saving the planet thing… Might overshadow it just a bit…
Prof.: Hey, you’re right! I’ll be a hero! They’ll write songs about me… and the ladies-
Calamity: Now, now, let’s not get too carried away…
Prof.: Vhat’s that supposed to mean?...
Agent 1: It’s time…
(the Prof. and Calamity are helped into the ship’s cockpit, and then the General approaches to offer a final word)
General: Good luck out there. We’re all counting on you. And try not to scratch the paint. Remember, it’s a loner.
(countdown begins)
Countdown Voice: 5… 4… 3…
(ship launches off at breakneck speed through the hangar’s roof.)
[cut to cockpit]
Calamity: Yaaaahhh!!!
Prof.: Whaaaaa!!!!
Calamity: You were supposed to wait for ‘one’!!
Prof.: Vell excuse me… It’s not like I’ve ever driven one of these before…
(the ship sputters around some, knocking over a billboard, before it finally takes off into the sky. As they break the atmosphere and emerge into space, they find themselves surrounded by the Gluclevanian Armada)
Calamity: Oh, crud.
[cut to bridge of the alien flagship]
Frac: Fools! Blast them all to itty-bitty free-sample-sized bits!!!
(short pause)
Frac: Do it now…
(an aerial firefight ensues, with Calamity and the Prof. weaving through the alien assailants and blasting spam everywhere. They begin to skim along the flagship’s surface with smaller saucer and cup craft on their tails (ala Death Star scene in Star Wars))
Prof.: Ve have to find a veak point…
Calamity: Look, over there!
(Calamity points to a spot on the flagship’s hull that has a big red ‘X’ on it and is clearly labeled ‘WEAK POINT’ )
Prof.: I’m only gonna get one good shot at this…
Calamity: Just trust your gut…
Prof.: Or, I could use this fancy aiming system…
Calamity: That too…
(They then fire a large glob of spam at the X, and a chain of explosions begins to wrack the flagship)
Calamity: Whadda you know, Spam may not be good for eatin’, but it is good for somethin’!
[cut to inside of flagship]
Computer: Warning; hull breach. Destruction eminent.
Fric: They’ve hit our weak point!
Frac: Darn! I knew I shouldn’t have had that labeled… Wait a second… I didn’t have it labeled!!
[cut to Fric covered in labels, playing with a label maker]
(Frac walks over to him and glares)
Fric: What? So I got a little carried away with the label maker… It’s just so much fun!!
(Frac snatches the label maker away)
Frac: Give me that.
(Frac proceeds to spell something out with the device, and then konks Fric in the head with it, leaving a label on his forehead reading ‘IDIOT’ )
Computer: Critical failure in 3… 2…
Frac: Oh fibblesnork…
(the flagship erupts on a massive explosion, decimating the armada in it’s wake, as the Prof. and Calamity narrowly escape in their flying teacup)
[cut to Professor’s lab, next day]
(the Prof. tinkers about while Calamity watches the television)
Reporter: In our top story, the world was saved today by failed inventor Professor Fenius Von Platypus’ “spam cannon”. The cannon was originally designed to disintegrate things, but instead produced a stream of spam. The military, however, was able to use the Professor’s debacle to stave off the alien armada and save the planet…
Reporter: Here we have the hero responsible for all of this, General Mayhem…
General: Well, I can’t take all the credit… aw, who’m I kiddin’? Of course I can… It was me… It was all me… It was all my idea…
Prof.: Turn that thing off!!!
(Calamity points the remote at the television, turning it off, and then points it at the camera and turns off the screen. Then, against the now black backdrop, Fric pops up with the label maker and plasters a label on the screen reading ‘THE END’ )
Please feel free to comment on the script as well as the picture.
Cartoon and all characters depicted therein copyright © Chris Vanderford, all rights reserved.
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Comments: 47
Just now reading this. Fantastic job on it! Do you have any more?
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Thanks.
I've got another script here: [link] . There's a link to it in the description.
I have many, many more, but those are the only ones I've posted.
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That's great, 'cause that's exactly what I was going for.
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Very jazzy title card, especially with the laser lighting. Absolute corker of a script as well. 
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Thanks!
I was going for a "cheesy '50s movie" look on the title card, and I thought the laser lighting helped with that.
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Dang. I need to start finishing some of my own scripts. 
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Thanks.
And best of luck with your scriptificating.
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hahahaha XDD I had some fun readin' it, mate ^^ hope to see it animated someday!
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Ok I read it and I could easily see the whole cartoon right before my eyes! Sounds like a good blockbuster cartoon Calamity ^^
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Glad to hear that you could visualize the whole thing. The fact that it plays just like a cartoon in people's heads is a good sign...
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Yup =3 You did a great job
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Holy cow! First a nice tittle card and now a whole script?! You've been busy my friend!
I gotta read it ASAP =3
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I originally intended to post the script when I posted the title card, but I had issues, so it took me a while to give up and just put the whole thing in the description. To be honest, I'm glad it let me fit the entire thing in there.
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I agree, and like I replied to my own comment, its a blockbuster =3
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Great script, I certainly thought it was funny!
The picture is very good, too.
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Why, thank you Captain Redundancy!
Why, thank you Captain Redundancy!
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Um... you're welcome, you're welcome? Sorry about the double post.
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That's all right... I was just pokin' fun at you anyhoo...
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Great script, I found it quite funny!
The picture is very good, too.
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its like you're a real cartoonist owo
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What else would I be, a fake cartoonist?
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8DD
>>
<<
x3
boredom has taken over *pokes then runs off* 8D
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"Calamity: Not the brussel sprouts, mate… I wouldn’t do that to me worst enemy…"
XD THAT joke, and many more, my friend, were pure genius. I found myself voicing the Professor and Calamity out loud, haha.... it's fun trying different accents. x3
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Ha, ha... that's great...
I actually voice them aloud as I write these things, to see how it sounds. It is great fun, isn't it?
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I do that whenever someone's using one of my characters in a story too. XD It's usually quite entertaining because my character tends to be rather... ah... short-tempered, to put it bluntly. xP
Melody: Who, me? 
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Oh no! Not the dreaded fish slap!
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It's the worst form of torture known to man—er, toon! 
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Great job on the title card! I like what you did with the blue lighting.
And I was smiling the entire time I read the scrip. It broke into an out loud laugh on to occasions: 1) the comparison between the laboratory and a public restroom, and 2) the label maker bit.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for taking the time both to read it and to tell me about the parts you liked. It's very helpful.
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My pleasure! It was really fun to read.
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That alone makes it all worthwhile.
Thanks.
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Well,I think it is...
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Awsome title card. To upload text, simply choose a title and catagory first, then click on the add text icon and paste in your script. Hope that helps. 
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...Addendum:
I went ahead and just put the whole honkin' thing in the description.
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Yep that would work out too.
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BTW awsome story!. Very amusing.
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What I've done before was link to a blog where I'd posted it, like here [link] , but that's not working for some reason... I may have to upload it your way... we'll see...
Oh, and by the way, thanks for complements.
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