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causticgit — Over a Long Time Ago
Published: 2004-09-09 05:01:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 195; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 7
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Description
My daughter's handprint is on the wall,pale and streaky;
(silhouetted tribute to her childhood,
I haven't had the heart to wipe it away.
She was my child, my love, my toy,
But she has gone so far away,
to meet a man who lives 7,000 stories in the air.
I feel his poison seeping in,)
they are now brown like cocoa stains. We made chocolate cake
last month.
When I wiped her sticky fingerprints from the wall
I never thought I would leave her whole hand behind.
One night, last night, the man descended from heaven
Just to pull her away from me.
(He wanted me to share her, share like schoolkids do.)
My daughter didn't want to go, she never knew God, you see,
But the man took her away with him, and when
They returned she held a gun in her hand, and she was crying.
It dripped down her chin, from her hair, through her skin,
Glueing the shirt to her body,
And electrified, I ran to her. She stumbled to me,
Putting a hand to the wall-- Her own thumb cast that mold--
Tears overflowing, she said,
"Mama,
I'm so sorry!"
And she fell into my arms; no longer my child.
As I stroked her hair, I marveled
At his almost imperceptible, subliminal tactics.
This is why
I don't keep guns in the house. Even when they're water pistols.
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Comments: 7
Very, very vivid. I really like some of your techniques - particularly the thought-brackets. As far as loathing prose-poetry, you do it well. There's a common thread that is easily followed, linking together the death/kidnapping/custody battle concepts together. The pain and confusion comes through very clearly, excellant choice of words.
There's only one line that seems somewhat out of place, but that could be because I'm not understanding something.
"Her own thumb cast that mold--"
I think it could be a very effective line if either moved or changed a little - I'm not sure where or how, this is just an impression I'm getting.
But for that one line, I think this piece is quite well constructed. Its very close to being entirely "done."
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Thank you VERY much. I love getting such thoughtful comments.
The line "Her own thumb cast that mold" refers to the handprint on the wall, which was made by the daughter. It does seem a little out of place, but I wanted to communicate the randomness of thought in a crisis.
Thanks again. I may revise it at a later date.
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I see! Ok. Grammatically speaking, the "her" at the beginning of the phrase refer's to the child's thumb. That's why the confusion.
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This is brillant, at first I thought the girl died, then it turned to a kidnapping..and then to a custody battle. A lot of impressive loops and turns here, and the imagery with the handprints and the 7,000 feet in the air gave such a menacing, bewildering effect
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Thank you muchly. I wanted it to seem like all those things... and, yes, it is a custody battle.
Thank you for a well thought-out comment.
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ooOo this is good! I really don't know what to say because I don't usually comment on poetry.... (too hard XD) but I always know wqhat I like. I felt I should say something anyway, because it deserves it. It reminds me of a book I'm reading now about a woman who's daughter is kiddnapped then a tape is sent to her showing her being burnt to death. Ickky, I know. Good book thou. I wish I could be home reading it now and not stuck at school :\
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Thank ye!
And there I thought it was crap...
Sounds like an fascinating book- even if it is wiggy. O.o
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