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causticgit — The Blindness
Published: 2003-12-13 05:54:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 174; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 12
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Description
The BlindnessWelcome to the morgue of life
Where priorities are nothing but guides.
Nobody knows what’s important to them,
Not to babies or women or men.
It’s crystal clear that no one’s aware;
What they do doesn’t match what they say.
So the substance of life what makes
It all worth every pain
Isn’t there to make them love their small lives.
What more is left but to die?
9/25/03
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Comments: 9
i can say it's good but i think it can be better.
Nobody knows what’s important to them,
Not to babies or women or men.
I hate rhymes, so unintentional ones drive me mad. tehy make me go back and check to make sure I haven't missed all of the other rhymes in the piece.
Also, i think, with the rhythm that I read this, your second line should be longer.
and it just seems less thought out than the others. Like you have a lot of really strong wordchoice, but I don't think this is part of that. Babies, women, men, millstein would tell me lists are formulaic.
sorry to rip into this but i did it because i like it.
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Sorry it's taken me forever to get back to this. Revising my own work usually takes at least a month before I can step back and really look at it.
I keep wavering between rhyming and not rhyming these days; I think I was going for pseudo rhymes in this after that initial them/men. It sounds horribly trite and cliche now.
Yars, it needs work. I'm sort of reluctant to do so, tho, since it was just a 'words- must write down the words before they take over my brain!' spasm.
No offense taken; I do the same.
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We live only for the living,
to do... what we do...
until death comes becomes us,
and our days here are through...
nice work... *bows*
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I was being all cynical and 
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sure is...when sad is true...yet it will change
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