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Description
Amenii: ‘Eh…heh…heh… No Mr. Nasty Mean Alien… I don’t need impregnating today.’
Mr. Alien:

Amenii: NeeeeerrRRRrraaaaa!!!

Major Alien Covenant Rant:

If you have not seen the latest movie to grace the Alien franchise, Alien Covenant, let me give you a singular piece of advice: Do not waste your money. And time, that latter far more valuable.

Now before you go writing this off as any simple rant by some random person, or, rough AI trying to pass itself off as human, let me be clear that I maintain a strict grading criteria when looking at films.

The first, of these is Jump Scares. As I was strongly lead to believe that this film would be truer to the original Alien film focusing on drama rather than Action. The latter I use in the loosest of terms, as Gore Fest, American Horror (Blood/Sex), and simple Mindless Violence are more apt to describe this film in all its lack of luster.

For a jump scare to be effective, it must come as a surprise, and, in this category the movie failed. Epically.

To offer some insight into how bad these jump scares are, let me offer my own experience. Throughout the film, starting from the Back Buster jumping out of the tall grass, to the flute stabbing, I was able to predict each Jump scare within two to three seconds. This ruined any, suspense, the film was trying to build up in me, and as such I demote it a Star. If you are looking for drama, you will not find it here.

Drama failing, let us move on to the films other issues, namely, the plot. As I have already stated, I had very high expectations of this film, as it was supposed to fill the gap that Prometheus, the films predecessor left. Alas, this film, like any and all other American Horror films, this one too operates on rails. The plot was sadly predictable, in two distinct ways.

One, nearly everyone in the film is high out of their minds on Stupid Gas. This results in stupid decisions, that make things go from bad to worse.

Starting with the crew, with the captain dead, the First Mate, takes over and begins to spout religious text, who, clearly has an ego complex. Demonstrating the later as he complains about the crew honoring the death of their captain with a drink. ‘They don’t respect me! They don’t follow my orders!’

Though I agree with his decision to prioritize ship repairs, this is his one and only good decision, in a long series of very bad, and later fatal decisions. First, he takes a crew down onto an alien planet that has not been screened for any microbes, or surprise, air born spores. This alone should be grounds enough to demonstrate the incompetence of this individual to lead. Later dismissal of the new second in commands objections to going to an alien planet that they know nothing about.

The planet, is alone is a major clue, that is only touched on by one member of the crew and then dismissed. ‘No birds, no animals, no problem.’ That’s perfectly normal, right? And that no one questions this, or is deeply bothered by it paves the ground to the next topic, the general incompetence of the crew.

Moving on to the rest of the crew. Why did no one what to get back into their cryopods? This is completely irrational and unexplained, it would be the simplest matter, as the film demonstrates, to get back into a pod and go to sleep.

Tennyson, the cowboy, is another grate case of specific stupidity. Not only is this individual underqualified for command, he is also reckless and incompetent. Demonstrating his lack of command skills, he wants to first take the ship, the mother ship down to the planet despite the massive storms around the planet. The computer even warns him that taking such an action will destroy the ship, several times over. This transitions nicely to the general incompetence of the crew.

Rather than stop Tennyson’s reckless decision to push the ship, carrying thousands of crew, and embryos, to their new home, one of the nameless morons seconds his override of the computer. This is just after the computer has warned them that the action they are trying to take will destroy the ship.

The crew, oh, so trusting of the Old AI do not even question his motives, or the thousands of bodies that are blocking the path all the way up to his new home. Yet, no one ever poses the question, ‘So what happened to all those bodies we just had to walk past? Know anything about that?’ Or, that the crew never puts together that maybe the storm that damaged their ship in the first place, my not have been natural in organ. That the now stranded crew trust this AI, is general stupidity in and of itself.

While on the note of stupidity, let’s take a moment to examine the command structure that is in place for the crew. The entire command staff is composed of married couples. Anyone, who knows the slightest bit about the chain of command, knows that separation is necessary for that chain to function. That this command was set up, and approved, leads me to question intelligence of those who sent the ship into space.

Overall, this leads to one ultimate conclusion that mission was doomed long before it even left ship yards of Earth. This film is at best, can be considered: Space Noobs Who Don’t Have A Clue. And at worst: Cannon Fodder, Overdoses On Stupid Gas, And Gets Eaten Alive By Bad CGI Aliens – While Having Blood Sex.

Overall film rank: Two out of five stars.

Rewatchable: Meh. Maybe if I just need background noise, and I don’t have Game of Thrones on hand.

Purchasing: Wait for it to appear in the Dollar bin at Walmart.

Description
Amenii: ‘Eh…heh…heh… No Mr. Nasty Mean Alien… I don’t need impregnating today.’
Mr. Alien:

Amenii: NeeeeerrRRRrraaaaa!!!

Major Alien Covenant Rant:

If you have not seen the latest movie to grace the Alien franchise, Alien Covenant, let me give you a singular piece of advice: Do not waste your money. And time, that latter far more valuable.

Now before you go writing this off as any simple rant by some random person, or, rough AI trying to pass itself off as human, let me be clear that I maintain a strict grading criteria when looking at films.

The first, of these is Jump Scares. As I was strongly lead to believe that this film would be truer to the original Alien film focusing on drama rather than Action. The latter I use in the loosest of terms, as Gore Fest, American Horror (Blood/Sex), and simple Mindless Violence are more apt to describe this film in all its lack of luster.

For a jump scare to be effective, it must come as a surprise, and, in this category the movie failed. Epically.

To offer some insight into how bad these jump scares are, let me offer my own experience. Throughout the film, starting from the Back Buster jumping out of the tall grass, to the flute stabbing, I was able to predict each Jump scare within two to three seconds. This ruined any, suspense, the film was trying to build up in me, and as such I demote it a Star. If you are looking for drama, you will not find it here.

Drama failing, let us move on to the films other issues, namely, the plot. As I have already stated, I had very high expectations of this film, as it was supposed to fill the gap that Prometheus, the films predecessor left. Alas, this film, like any and all other American Horror films, this one too operates on rails. The plot was sadly predictable, in two distinct ways.

One, nearly everyone in the film is high out of their minds on Stupid Gas. This results in stupid decisions, that make things go from bad to worse.

Starting with the crew, with the captain dead, the First Mate, takes over and begins to spout religious text, who, clearly has an ego complex. Demonstrating the later as he complains about the crew honoring the death of their captain with a drink. ‘They don’t respect me! They don’t follow my orders!’

Though I agree with his decision to prioritize ship repairs, this is his one and only good decision, in a long series of very bad, and later fatal decisions. First, he takes a crew down onto an alien planet that has not been screened for any microbes, or surprise, air born spores. This alone should be grounds enough to demonstrate the incompetence of this individual to lead. Later dismissal of the new second in commands objections to going to an alien planet that they know nothing about.

The planet, is alone is a major clue, that is only touched on by one member of the crew and then dismissed. ‘No birds, no animals, no problem.’ That’s perfectly normal, right? And that no one questions this, or is deeply bothered by it paves the ground to the next topic, the general incompetence of the crew.

Moving on to the rest of the crew. Why did no one what to get back into their cryopods? This is completely irrational and unexplained, it would be the simplest matter, as the film demonstrates, to get back into a pod and go to sleep.

Tennyson, the cowboy, is another grate case of specific stupidity. Not only is this individual underqualified for command, he is also reckless and incompetent. Demonstrating his lack of command skills, he wants to first take the ship, the mother ship down to the planet despite the massive storms around the planet. The computer even warns him that taking such an action will destroy the ship, several times over. This transitions nicely to the general incompetence of the crew.

Rather than stop Tennyson’s reckless decision to push the ship, carrying thousands of crew, and embryos, to their new home, one of the nameless morons seconds his override of the computer. This is just after the computer has warned them that the action they are trying to take will destroy the ship.

The crew, oh, so trusting of the Old AI do not even question his motives, or the thousands of bodies that are blocking the path all the way up to his new home. Yet, no one ever poses the question, ‘So what happened to all those bodies we just had to walk past? Know anything about that?’ Or, that the crew never puts together that maybe the storm that damaged their ship in the first place, my not have been natural in organ. That the now stranded crew trust this AI, is general stupidity in and of itself.

While on the note of stupidity, let’s take a moment to examine the command structure that is in place for the crew. The entire command staff is composed of married couples. Anyone, who knows the slightest bit about the chain of command, knows that separation is necessary for that chain to function. That this command was set up, and approved, leads me to question intelligence of those who sent the ship into space.

Overall, this leads to one ultimate conclusion that mission was doomed long before it even left ship yards of Earth. This film is at best, can be considered: Space Noobs Who Don’t Have A Clue. And at worst: Cannon Fodder, Overdoses On Stupid Gas, And Gets Eaten Alive By Bad CGI Aliens – While Having Blood Sex.

Overall film rank: Two out of five stars.

Rewatchable: Meh. Maybe if I just need background noise, and I don’t have Game of Thrones on hand.

Purchasing: Wait for it to appear in the Dollar bin at Walmart.