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    Chapter 16: New Missions

Author’s Note: This chapter is formatted just slightly different for some esoteric reason that has to do with Deviantart's text limits. At least I think that's what's happening. Nothing's changed except now the paragraphs aren't indented. I suspect that this will be the norm from now on.

Also, this is the chapter in which I kill off that old, boring ship in favor of a new, cooler one. LOL YOLO

The journal of the alien robot Ɖg@}Nᶌ (or ‘Barney’, as they called him), and the story of his life, love, death and legacy finally concluded. Dipper and Wendy’s scanned past the last words, and they stood up and looked at each other.
“Huh.” Wendy said.
“Oh.” Dipper agreed.
Wendy looked around the interior of the ship/house thing. Back in ancient times, this glass and metal chamber had served as the home of these two bizarre creatures. She found it kind of odd and kind of funny that in the end, they were nothing but farmers. Estranged and alien farmers, castaway from their home and hounded by trouble, but nonetheless their lives seemed oddly human, even ordinary in a way. And their deaths were now no mystery either; he had died in battle, out in the forest or deep beneath the ground. His wife and child had died in this very room; their blood still stained the mattress of the bed.
“So…” Wendy shrugged, and addressed their unseen ghosts out loud. “So… Wow. Rough life, huh? Hey… Hey uh…” She frowned. What do you even say to ghosts? “Like, what’s up? How’s it going…?”
From between and within the walls of the ship, there came echoing a clanking, scraping and banking, like a person stumbling across a room, then easing themselves to a seat. Dipper and Wendy’s eyes darted back and forth, searching for the source that wasn’t there.
The room’s lights began to flicker. Dark then light then dark then light, dancing and changing through the space. In between flashes, Dipper caught something in the corner of his eye; a pale figure reclining against the wall, not 10 feet from them. Wendy noticed it too and they turned suddenly, startled by its appearance. It seemed to flicker in and out of the room with the lights, just on the threshold of their ability to focus on it. Its head turned towards them, and stared with empty eyes.
From what Dipper could tell, the rest of its body was about what you’d expect: a very vaguely humanoid robot, with saws and spines and treads and claws; a wide head, thin arms with gears in the moints. Same layout and design as the lions, but smaller, thinner, upright, and with a piercing, intelligent gaze.
A second, slightly smaller figure could now be distinguished alongside the first, floating in the space above the ancient bed, as if sitting up on it without quite touching. The second figure rested its elbows on its knees, and cocked its head to one side.
The room went totally dark again, and Dipper began to notice noises. He heard the sound of his and Wendy’s agitated breathing. He heard the sound of his walkie-talkie warbling and cooing and clicking, as it responded to the whispered words of some incorporeal radio signal. Dipper thought the signals sounded like voices…
Then, quite apart from the radio, he heard the sound of typing. Invisible fingers at work on an invisible keyboard.
Wendy noticed as words began to appear on Ford’s tablet. She elbowed Dipper to draw his attention to them.
-Hello. The words read. -Now you know our story.
“Ooh.” Wendy said. “Duuuude…” She elbowed him again. “Type something!”
“I don’t know what to type—”
“Just say hi or something! This is, like, the first time in ever that a ghost isn’t actively trying to haunt our butts. I think they’re just saying ‘greetings’ or some alien thing.”
“Oh… Okay…” Dipper bent over and began to type. -Greetings. Hi. We read your story. How’s it going? My name is Dipper. I’m Dipper Pines.
“And this is Wendy.” Wendy added.
-And this is Wendy. Dipper typed.
The invisible hands began to type again. -Hello Dipper. Hello Wendy. I suppose you know me as Betty. And this is Barney. We welcome you to our home… Or what was our home once… It has been an eternity since we’ve had visitors…
-Thanks. Dipper typed, then tried to wipe the sweat from his palms. “Uh… Uh… What should I say now?”
“I got this.” Wendy bent past him, and typed. -We found the directions you left in the main wreck, and came here looking for answers. It’s nice to finally get some, and nice to finally meet you guys.
There was a brief pause. -We’re dead, by the way. Appeared on the screen.
-Yeah. Wendy typed. -We kinda gathered that part. You know, since it’s been a jillion years since you were alive and all.
-A ‘jillion’…? What’s that?
“Uh… Okay… I got this.” Dipper sat back forward, and began typing. -Figure of speech. He said. -And we’re sorry, by the way. We didn’t know this ship thing was haunted when we got here, so we’re sorry for barging in. And… This is the first time we’ve ever talked to a dead alien, so… Sorry if we sound awkward.
The signal from the walkie-talkie sounded almost like laughter.
-You’re good. Appeared on the screen. -This is my first time talking to whatever the you are, so… Sorry if we sound awkward too.
“Huh.” Dipper looked at Wendy. “They’re chill.” He said. “They’re alien robot ghosts, but they’re, like, totally chill…” -Thanks for being chill. He typed.
-So. The typing stopped for a minute, and when it resumed, it was lighter and faster. -This is Barney now. You both have read my journal. You know who we are, and how it came to be that we’re no long here. But now, if you don’t mind me asking, who are YOU? I saw your read blood, Wendy, when you first came in. From it, I knew that you are neither the mimic nor her spawn… So I just have to ask, what the heck are you?
“Oh, us…?” Wendy looked at Dipper.
“Uh…” Dipper looked at Wendy.
-We’re natives. Dipper typed, looking back at the ghosts. -This planet’s dominant intelligent race.
“Yeah.” Wendy agreed. “And we call ourselves humans. Type that.”
-We call ourselves… Humans. Dipper added.
“And the collective noun is ‘humanity’.” Wendy added. “Say that too.”
“Why would they want to know the collective noun?” Dipper shook his head.
-What’s the collective noun? Barney asked.
-Humanity. Dipper hastily typed.
-Wait. Barney typed. -You’re both humans?
“Uh… Yeah…?” Dipper frowned.
“Yeah… Well mostly.” Wendy agreed. “I mean, logically there’s probably some Sasquatch on my dad’s side, but, like, you can’t even tell.”
“Wait… What?”
“Never mind! Okay, just…” Wendy shoved past him and typed. -Yes. We’re both humans. Why do you ask?
-All I meant to say is that you two don’t look much alike, so I wasn’t sure if you were the same species or whatever.
-What do you-- Dipper began.
“Oh, hold on! I think they mean this.” Wendy set down her helmet and took off her backpack, and unbuckled her shoulder pads to show beneath them. -Yeah. She typed. -This is just armor and clothes. Humans always wear clothes, and then we put on armor too when we’re going somewhere dangerous. Our skin is all pinkish brown underneath though.
Dipper hiked up his own armor, to show the similarity.
-Oh… The ghosts said. -Betty thought the armor was your skin.
-Common mistake. Dipper lied.
-And what’s that fuzzy stuff?
-That’s hair.
-Oh.
The four of them sat there in awkward silence for a good minute, while they thought about what to say next. Wendy picked her nose.
-Hi, this is Betty again. So, what brings you here?
-Curiosity. Dipper typed.
-Xenocide. Wendy typed.
Dipper blinked and looked at her worriedly. “Well…” He frowned. “I guess you could say it like that, but…”
-Xenocide? There was a sudden sound like glass shattering, and the ghostly image of Barney appeared before them, with his arms crossed, his eyes blazing, and his head cocked to one side. -Did your machine translate that correctly?
“Look.” Wendy buckled her armor back up, and bent over the computer. -I never expected to say this to alien robot ghosts, especially not ones as scary-looking as you guys, but honestly, you seem like decent people. Really. You do. I think that you did a lot of the right things for the right reasons, you were kind when it counted and you served justice when it counted… Kudos. Seriously kudos. You’ve had a rough time, and by my reckoning, you were the good guys.
Barney shrugged.
-That being said… Wendy continued. -You made some mistakes. Don’t hate on me for this, but look. The think you’ve built here… This overgrown metal farm thing. It shouldn’t be here. It’s bad.
-Why? Barney inquired.
-You know what we call it? Wendy asked. -We call it the ‘Forest of Daggers’. Why? Because every life-form native to this planet gets cut and sliced by it. See my arms? See all the little scratches? That was just from clearing the brush off the top of your house to get inside. And see my man Dipper’s face? Wendy gestured over her shoulder. -He got that when we were swarmed by your little Piranha Spiders about two hours ago.
The ghost of Betty appeared beside Barney, and bent over a computer terminal. -They must have gone wild… She typed. The buttons on the keyboard didn’t move beneath her ghostly fingers, but they sounded like they did. -We raised those for eggs…
-Yeah, well, sucks! Wendy spread her arms in an exasperated way. -The point is that your Piranha Spider Chickens are dangerous! They’re sharp and they’re aggressive and us native wusses are liable to get ATE. And that’s not even to MENTION the giant drilling worms that almost crushed us, and the smaller bugs that nibble us, and of course the lions…
“Yeah…” Dipper nodded. “One of your giant cat things really hurt Wendy’s dad. And hurt my sister too. Those saws are… Saws.”
“Yeah.” Wendy agreed, and stood up from the computer. “Check it out.” She pulled off the glove on her right hand, and then peeled the bandage off her index finger. Then she held up the stitched-up gash to show the ghosts. “See this? A little cub nicked me there the first time I picked it up. Just a touch. Just a tap. Tore me open. This is what your creatures do to our creatures.”
Betty nodded slowly.
-So this place you left behind. Wendy concluded. -It’s getting people hurt. So I’m real sorry. I know how much work you guys put into the place. I know how much it meant to you. Heck, you’re probably still really proud of it, even after you’re dead. But still… I think the best thing to do is destroy every last inch and ounce of it. She glanced at Dipper for support. “Like… You know… Help me out here, Dude.”
“Well…” Dipper shrugged, and began to type. -I think after all that’s happened, and everything we’ve all been through… She’s right.
The two ghosts disappeared. A shower of sparks erupted from the ceiling as the lights went out all through the ship, and the room fell dark again.
Wendy flipped on her headlamp, and sighed. “Welp. Guess they don’t like that.”
Dipper toggled on his flashlight, and unplugged Ford’s tablet. “We tried, huh?”
“Yeah… And besides.” Wendy shrugged helplessly. “What do you expect ghosts to do, huh?”
“I don’t know. Probably weren’t much more than a category 4 anyway…”

Robbie stopped the van in front of an utterly ordinary looking tree. “So… Like, how do you know it’s THIS utterly ordinary looking tree and not some OTHER utterly ordinary looking tree?” He asked.
“Oh, because THIS utterly ordinary looking tree is right where I remember it being.” Mabel opened the door and hopped out of the van. “And it has a weeeeeird little teeny-tiny branch way up there that kind of looks like a lever.”
Robbie got out and surveyed the lever. “Okaaaay…”
“So let’s throw rocks! You’ve thrown rocks at things, right?” Mabel bent down and picked up a rock.
“Well, maybe at people and cars sometimes…” Robbie picked up a stone as well.
“So getcherself a-lever-flippin’ sonny!” Mabel hurled her rock up at the lever, and it fell about 10 feet short.
As Robbie drew his arm back to throw, he got the strangest feeling that he was being watched. His eyes briefly swept the surrounding forest, but he didn’t see anything out of place. He didn’t even see the shadowy figure crouching at the top of a nearby tree, watching them with tired eyes.
Robbie snapped his arm back forward, and his rock contacted only 3 feet short of the lever.
Mabel threw again.
Robbie threw again.
So it continued for about 5 minutes, until their arms were sore, and Robbie was starting to consider whether there might be an easier way to flip an out-of-reach lever.
Finally one of their missiles contacted its target, and the weird branch was knocked upward.
With a click, a creak, and a hydraulic rumbling that seemed to shake the ground, the entire tree began to shift and shake and lower into the Earth. Mabel carelessly stepped up to the edge of the deepening gap as she waited for it to finish, while Robbie hauled the backpack of robotic samples out of his van and shouldered it over to the tree.
Eventually it lowered all the way, a staircase extended from the wall, and a door slid open at the very bottom. The noise stopped, and a deep hiss sounded somewhere far beneath.
Mabel found the entire thing charming yet overly complicated.
Robbie found it pretty sick all around.
“All right come on!” Mabel began to skip down the staircase with ease and carelessness.
Something rang true in the back of Robbie’s brain. Dipper’s words: If I ever again hear that you’ve accompanied my sister into danger, and haven’t protected her… I will find you. And I will beat you up…
“Hey, wait… Look… Hey Girl Dipper, wait up…!” Mabel turned around, but didn’t stop her descent. Robbie growled. “Look, just stop for a minute, okay!”
“Why?”
“’Why’? I mean I don’t know what this is! I want to know why we’re going down here, what’s down there, and… You know. What’s the plan? What are we even doing with these?” He pointed to the metal samples.
“Ah…” Mabel smiled and nodded, seeing that her loftly logic had fallen upon a deaf older brain. “So.” She said. “We’ve got to find a new and better, cooler place to plant the robot forest. We need some place where it will be totally safe, and where it will do a lot of good for humanity and science and bunnies.”
“Okaaay…” Robbie followed.
“But… I kind of realized we don’t have a great place for them yet.” Mabel explained. “We don’t have a place to move them were they can be happy. But since we don’t know what’s going to happen in the near future, and because basically my entire family went all paranoid-poopyhead about them… We need to save as many as we can now.”
“Sure… Okay…” Robbie frowned.
“So we’ll just start ferrying them down here!” Mabel gestured down the stairs. “Great Uncle Ford had a whole abandoned lab down here that he never goes into, and it’s got these really cool stasis tanks that can keep things harmlessly frozen for as long as we want! It’s basically perfect for what we need! Will you promise to keep it a secret, Robbie?”
“Uh… Sure…” Robbie shrugged. “But… I mean, why was it abandoned?”
“Oh… Ha! You know…” She shrugged and smiled, as if reminiscing of fond memories. “Probably just because everybody got sick of having to dodge the mashy-squashy security room that pulps anybody who can’t read alienese while playing hopscotch…” She pulled a paper out of her pocket showing dozens of bizarre hexagonal symbols, 4 of which were circled.
“WHAT.” Robbie said.
“Or maybe it’s because the stasis tanks are kind of prone to breaking down, and one of them holds an immensely powerful shapeshifting monster that’s strong enough to bend steel with its bare hands and hated humans ever since Ford found him as a kid and raised him in a cage feeding him nothing but beans and he also tried to murder us last Summer and made a hideous mockery of my flesh that still haunts me on dark nights when the wind is chill… That might be the other reason it’s abandoned.”
Robbie processed this slowly and steadily. “Um.” He finally said.
“Yeah.” Mabel smiled. “More importantly, I tried to get Wendy and Dipper to kiss by locking them in a closet, but instead they took a shower and fought Shifty. They never did kiss… I would have called it… Dipendy!”
“…Why not Wipper?”
“Ooh, that’s better, isn’t it? Or maybe Dipwenperdy! Just too bad it never worked out. But who knows what they’re doing now, AM I RIGHT? Wink wink!”
“They’re just off in the forest being all platonic and holier-than-thou.” Robbie groaned. “But back to the point: listen Girl Dipper: you seriously want us to go down into that dark, smelly hole there… Hopscotch aliensese or something dumb… And then just HOPE the crazy flesh-mocking monster hasn’t gotten out like it’s been prone to do…”
“Well when you say it like that it sounds like folly!” Mabel laughed. “But don’t worry; it’ll be fine! I think you’ll like Shifty anyway. He’s not so bad if you close your eyes and put caterpillars on your face.” She turned to continue down the stairs.
Robbie grabbed her arm.
She looked at him, confused.
“Uh…” Robbie stuttered. “Well… It’s just… Just no… Just NO! Look, we can’t go down there! It’s dangerous, and we don’t have cool weapons or grenades or dual-wielding rocket launchers or chainsaw whips or anything! What if we die??”
“Pssh! I’ve never died before in all the ones of times I’ve been down here! Trust me!”
“No.” He said. “We’re staying HERE.”
“Why?” She demanded.
“I… I made a promise, okay? To keep you safe.”
“Who made you promise?”
“…Your brother.”
“Oh…” She laughed it off. “He worries waaaaaay too much. And besides, what about all these metal plant and animals! We have to find a good place for them and you said you would help! We need to get them frozen down there.”
Robbie put on a scowl. A mighty scowl. A great, powerful, hideous scowl. A scowl greater than any scowl he’d ever scowled before; a scowl to put lesser scowlers to shame, and scowl itself right into the official scowling archives alongside the other legends of scowling history. Right as this scowl reached its climax, he spat out the word “FINE!”, grabbed the hopscotch code paper out of Mabel’s hand, shoved past her, and continued down the stairs.
She wiped his scowl-smelling spit off her face. “What…?” She frowned.
“I’ll do this!” Robbie explained over his shoulder. “You stay in the van and keep my dad’s shotgun handy! I’ll put all this stupid sci-fi trash into deep freeze and be out in an hour and if I’m not… Throw another rock and close it back up… Okay?”
“Oh…” Mabel frowned slowly. “But then you…?”
“Then get help or something! Your grandpa or that fat guy or Thompson maybe. But don’t you dare come in alone…”
He entered the door at the bottom, and it closed behind him.

Dipper and Wendy poked around the ship for about 5 more minutes, feeling more and more like unwelcome trespassers by the second. Finally Wendy gestured toward the exit hatch. “We should go…”
“Yeah…”
Just as they were about to exit, Dipper’s walkie turned back on, and emitted a single word, in a thick, mechanical accent. “WAIT…!”
They turned around, to see the two ghosts floating near the middle of the ship. Betty pointed back toward the computer console, and nodded toward Ford’s tablet.
Dipper plugged it back in. -S’up?
-We’ve been thinking. Betty responded. -And honestly, for a pair of hostile, heavily-armed aliens sent to destroy us and everything we hold dear… You seem like decent people.
-Oh. Dipper typed. -Thanks.
-And. Betty said. -Anyway, we’ve been thinking, and we’ve come to understand your point. Dipper, I’m sorry your sister got hurt. Wendy, I’m sorry you and your father were hurt. Both of you, we understand now. We didn’t think or plan that the lions would behave like that, and… I agree with you. And we think we may have a way to help.
Barney’s ghost stepped forward to type.
-You remember our journal? He said. -In order to move all the metal from the wreck to the farm, we had to modify the engines on the main wreck.
“Oh, yeah?” Dipper nodded.
“Wait, I was actually confused by that part.” Wendy turned to Dipper. “What exactly did they do? Use simple words for me; I’m not exactly a nerd…”
“Uh… The alien ships’ engines work by manipulating gravity.” Dipper said. “So they modified the ones on the big ship a little bit, and turned them into some kind of tractor beam.”
“A tractor beam… Like in Star Battles.”
“Uh… Yeah. I think so. Basically.”
“Oh.” Wendy nodded, happy that somebody used simple words. “Okay.”
-Yeah. We remember. Dipper typed.
-Those engines are still programmed on the settings we left them. Barney said. -So there is still a massive tractor beam focused on the farm. If you were to reactivate the engines, and turn them up to maximum power, the gravity flux would crush and destroy everything here. The bodies of the creatures here may be tough, but not that tough. The kinetic and potential energy of the implosion, combined with the mass short-circuiting of batteries, would generate enough heat to burn through the internal organs of every creature. Nothing would survive.
“Oooooh… Good plan.” Wendy pondered this new form of carnage. “Like a reverse nuke; crushing instead of exploding.”
“And no radiation; that’s convenient.” Dipper added.
“Yeah. Radiation would be inconvenient.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
-Okay. Dipper typed. -We get it. So we just have to get back to the main wreck, and turn things on?
-Well. Barney shrugged. -Not quite. At the other end of the home, a compartment on the floor opened on its own, tossing aside an ancient carpet and a layer of dust. Dipper and Wendy’s lights rotated to view it. -Obviously, we couldn’t have the shapeshifter using that kind of power against us. So we removed the power control coupling that runs the ship’s last reactor.
Wendy reached in to the open hatch, and removed a small machine; about the size of a motorcycle engine.
-You’ll need to reinstall that before operation, and that may be difficult. Do you know anyone with experience in this type of technology? Probably not…
-Actually, yes. Dipper said. -I think I might know a guy.
-Excellent… I think that’s everything you need…
-Sweet.
Barney paused for a moment in thought. -There is just one last thing I’d like to ask of you, Dipper and Wendy.
-What’s that?
-There was an act I never completed in my life, a mission whose threat has hounded my soul for an eternity now.
-Killing the shapeshifter. Dipper guessed.
-Killing the shapeshifter. Barney nodded. -After Betty died, I went out to face her… Well, she killed me. She’d learned from our first encounter, and figured out exactly how to annihilate me. It was rapid, it was painful, and I was powerless to stop it. The mimic is strong, fast, versatile, intelligent, and merciless… And the last time I saw her, she had an egg with her.
-I understand. Dipper typed.
-So… It’s a silly thing, I know. There’s no way she or her child could possibly have survived this long, seeing how the stasis systems in the main wreck are completely trashed… But… I would very much like some closure for that. For me, for my people, and for humanity too I suppose… I would like to know that she, and her spawn, are most certainly dead.
-Actually. Dipper chuckled to himself as he typed. -I don’t know if the mom survived, but we believe her child did… We have him imprisoned in a bunker.
-Oh. Betty and Barney exchanged a look.
-Kill it. Barney typed. -For your own sakes.
-I understand.
“So what is this stupid thing? It’s heavy.” Wendy said, and she hefted the power control coupling over her shoulder like a solid steel backpack. “Use small words, remember.”
“That’s… That’s the key. The key to start up the tractor beam.” Dipper said. “And we’ll probably need McGucket. And they also want us to find out how the shapeshifter survived for as long as he did, find out what happened to his mom, and to kill him.”
Wendy took this in. “Oh.” She nodded. “Okay.”
She turned and carried the coupling off toward the home’s exit.
-So I guess this is goodbye then? Dipper typed.
-I guess it is. Barney agreed.
-Don’t see a reason to stick around after my haunted house gets smashed. Betty added. -Boooooring.
-Ha ha. Yeah. Dipper laughed (although he had no idea how to relate with a ghost’s problems.)
-I’m glad I met you. Barney said, and gestured to Wendy. -Tell your brother that I think you’re both men of honor.
-Oh, uh… He’s not my brother. He’s a she, and she’s my partner. Just a girl I like. He sat there looking at the words for a second, wondering why on Earth he typed them.
-You old enough to marry?
-What? No! Well, I guess I'm old enough to date maybe, but I don’t want to ask her out. It’s awkward and I’m kinda scared and I don’t think she likes me.
Barney’s ghost leaned over and nudged him in the shoulder with an intangible robotic elbow. -Dude, don’t be a dork! Ask her out!
“Gah!” Dipper jumped, and tried to push the intangible robotic head out of his personal space, though his hand passed right through. “I don’t… Uh… Huh?!? Dude! Shush!” He said out loud.
“Huh?” Wendy looked back at them.
“Nothing!”
-Nothing!
“Ugh.” She turned away.
-Dude, come on. Dipper typed.
-Ha ha. Get out of here, man.

The sanitation airlock finished its cycle, and Robbie stepped hesitantly into the cave.
It was about 10 times scarier than he’d first expected, (which is really saying something because he was expecting a lava floor). But he took a deep breath or two or three, and continued carefully into the chamber. The only sound was the distant dripping of water, and the only light came from little red status indicators, and ancient florescent bulbs.
There were the stasis tubes… Some were intact, some were cracked, and some of them were in such a dirty, overgrown ruin that he couldn’t quite tell. He stepped up to one of the intact ones, opened the hatch, and tossed the pile of Mabel’s samples inside. When he slammed the hatch shut, the freezing process automatically started up. All he had to do was get back out to the control room and make sure everything was still in order. Easy enough…
But then he realized he should probably get eyes on the monster first, just to make sure it was still frozen. He began wandering around the cave, peering into tunnels and crevices, inspecting every tank, looking and listening for any sign of the creature.
Then eventually, he realized that he’d checked all the tanks 3 times already. Even the broken ones. There was nothing in any of them.
He began to feel the first hints of panic creeping up his spine. His breath started to quicken, and his skin began to moisten, and his eyes began to dart ever more rapidly around the walls.
A decrepit florescent light flickered tiredly in his peripheral vision, and he spun to face it with a gasp. Another one flickered to his right, and he spun again. Geez, it’s just the lights. This place is terrible on the nerves.
I shouldn’t have come alone…
I shouldn’t have come alone…
I shouldn’t have come alone!
He turned about in a circle. Was it watching him? Was it stalking him? How big was it? How strong was it? How scary was it really? How many eyes did it have? Was it spidery? He wasn’t good with spiders.
He picked an old steel pipe off the floor, and held it at the ready. Dipper beat it once right? And if that scrawny brat can, how tough can it be?
I can take it…
I can take it…
I can take it!
“SH-SHOW YOURSELF!” Robbie demanded, and silently cursed himself for stuttering.
Much to his surprise and horror, a voice answered him. It was hoarse and angry, and it screamed at him from one of the tunnels. “YEAH?” It said. “Come and get me then, you freak! I’m ready this time!”
Robbie’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest, and he almost fell flat on his behind. But he wasn’t so startled that a voice had answered him; he was surprised that he recognized the voice.
“W… Wendy?” He asked.
“Yeah, it’s me! Woop-dee-FLIPPIN’-doo, you figured out my friggin NAME!” The voice screamed at him. “You tryin’ to scare me with THAT? Not working! Now come on! Come at me! I’m not afraid! Not afraid… I’m… I’M NOT AFRAID!” As if to prove its own point, the voice’s source stepped out into the open.
Robbie stared at what looked to all the world like Wendy. She was missing her jacket and her hat, though there were a few green-flannel bandages on her arms and legs. Her undershirt and jeans were stained and torn and sagging on her body, and as for the rest of her, she just looked terrible. She was emaciated and pale, with bags under her eyes and tangles in her hair, and scratches and scars all over her haggered body. Both her boots were missing, along with one of her socks. Her feet were tied in rags to replace them.
In her hand was clutched some kind of improvised bow, with a bent arrow cocked on the frayed string. A sharpened piece of metal was tucked into her belt, and another was tied to each of her wrists.
“But THIS time it’s DIFFERENT!” Wendy said, and took a few steps toward Robbie. “This time… THIS time I’m walkin’ out of here with your SKULL, you hear me, Shifty? I’m gonna KILL you and I’m gonna rip off your head and spit down your neck and I ain’t gonna be your plaything no more and I’m gonna… I’m gonna… Come on you freak, come on…”
“Woah, woah, woah, hey I’M not the shapeshifter!” Robbie took a few steps back from the feral Wendy. “Like… Like YOU’RE the shapeshifter! Like, they trapped you down here, and now you look like Wen-”
“WHAT THE HECK?!?” Wendy shook her bow threateningly. “The heck kind of game are you playing here? What do you want out of me? What you plannin’ on doing with me this time, huh? And dressed like that?”
“Like… I’m not the shapeshifter!” Robbie brought the pipe up between him and Wendy’s weapon, as if he honestly believed he could block an arrow in midair. “Stop calling me that, it’s me! It’s Robbie! And, like… Wendy’s not even down here so you’re obviously the shapeshifter…! Like, why are we having this convers-”
“WHAT?” Wendy took a few steps closer, and Robbie took a few steps back. Then he tripped on a pipe and fell on his butt, and began crawling backwards away from her. “You…” Wendy frowned, noticing his all-too-human clumsiness and fear. “You…” Her shaking hands slowly lowered the arrow from the bow. “You… Robbie…? You’re… Real?”
“Yeah I’m real, you’re the fake one!” Robbie staggered to his feet, and brought the pipe back up.
“Say…” Wendy’s eyes searched his. “Say something only Robbie would say!”
“Uh… Uh… Like…” Robbie frowned, and hesitantly admitted. “I’m… Sorry for hypnotizing you…”
Wendy shook her head. “Oh… Okay.” She said. “Okay… Okay dude if that’s really you then you need to get out NOW!”
“Wait… What?”
“It’ll be coming back at any time! It could… Okay, who knows you’re down here? Who sent you? Who tricked you? Was it something that looked like someone you trusted? Did it look like me??”
“I kinda came here on my own and there was just Girl Dipper…”
Wendy rushed up to him, grabbed his shoulders, and began shoving him toward the exit. “Then you need to get OUT! It’ll be coming back and…”
“Hold on, hold on!” Robbie put a hand against her chest and pushed her away. He was surprised by how weak and light she was. Wendy was usually kind of strong, wasn’t she? “Like, I think you have some explaining to do!” Robbie said. “You said you’re the real Wendy? Then how’s she up there too? Because last I checked Wendy was fine and wasn’t all… Crazy and sick and whatever and…”
“’She’? ‘She’ is up there? Come on! Come on… It… It took my life too…” Wendy sunk to her knees. “It took my life…”
“It… Oh… Uh… Really?”
“Come on…” Wendy shook her head, and there were tears in her eyes. She tried to wipe them away but instead they just smeared. “It… Nobody could tell? Nobody could tell the difference…?”
“Well…” Robbie shrugged. “I mean, you… Really? The Wendy I’ve been talking to was fake? How long did…?”
“You haven’t noticed anything different about ‘me’ in the past 6 months…?” Wendy sobbed. “REALLY?!? NOTHING?!?”
“Uh…” Robbie thought back. “I guess… You haven’t been spending as much time with us guys… And… You quit your job at the Mystery Shack… And you’ve been getting into a lot of adventures and stuff and… I thought that seemed cool considering all that happened last Summer… But it did kind of seem like you were becoming a dork… I guess…”
“And…” Wendy punched the ground. “AND YOU DIDN’T THINK ANYTHING WAS WRONG?!?”
“Well…” Robbie looked at the woman hunched on the ground in front of him. And it first really, truly dawned on him that this WAS the real Wendy. “Oh… Like, sorry… Uh… I mean, woah… I mean wow, I’m really sorry Wendy! Like, how did this happen? When did it switch? How did you get stuck down here?”
Wendy sniffled through her nose. “Nobody was looking for me… Nobody noticed anything… Robbie, did my parents notice anything?”
“Your parents? No-”
Wendy stood up. “THEN HOW ABOUT DIPPER?!? HE—HE MUST HAVE…”
“No.” Robbie frowned. “That moron didn’t see a thing. I was the first one to find you.”
She buried her face in her hands and walked in a short little circle, before picking up a rock and throwing it against a wall. “Okay…” She said. “Okay, you need to get out of here, Robbie. Get out of here, and play dumb to everyone else until you can talk to Dipper on the down-low. Then you can stage a rescue plan, but until then…”
“Wait, why can’t you come now then? I have the airlock all unlocked, and…”
“BECAUSE!” Wendy pulled up her shirt to show a crooked red scar across her chest. “It put a tracker in me! Believe me, I’ve tried to get out of here alone, and it doesn’t work! It…! It’s not pretty, okay?!? And it promised to do the same thing to my family next time…! So…!”
“What… Wait, what’s it doing to you? Why’s it keeping you alive?”
“Look, I don’t want to talk about it!” Wendy gestured down to the scars and scratches over her body. “Half of it I don’t understand, and the other half I don’t want to talk about! Look, just get Dipper!” She grabbed him again and shoved him toward the airlock. “I can’t have what happened to me happen to you too!”
“Oh… Okay…!” Robbie turned to leave, a little overwhelmed and horrified at the situation.
Before he could properly gather his thoughts, Wendy grabbed him again. “Wait… No… Wait.” She said as she brought him to a stop. Robbie turned back to face her. She met his eyes and held them for a minute. Slowly, her head sunk to his shoulder, and she hugged him. “Robbie…” She mumbled. “It’s… It’s really great to see someone… See you… Again… Thanks for coming… Thanks…”
“Uh… Uh yeah.” He hugged her back. “No problem. I’ll… Like, I’ll spring you from this joint, okay? We’ll kill the monster and then…”
“Like okay, what’s been happening?” She asked.
“Huh?”
“Back on the surface? How’s Dipper doing? How’s Mable doing? And… What’s been going on with you?”
“Oh… Uh… Well the dorks just got back into town like… A week ago… Yeah, a week I think… And Dipper and… The Shifter went off adventuring… Thinking it was you of course… They all thought it was you… And I’m not sure all of what they’ve been doing, but they found this… Like, weird sci-fi robot forest place off in the normal forest place… And there were giant robot cat things that sawed people… Girl Dipper tried to befriend one of them, but it ended up attacking her I guess, and then there was this whole big deal with the…”
Robbie summarized most of his experiences in the past week, relating everything he’d seen and heard of the Forest of Daggers and its denizens, bitterly recalling Dipper’s hostility and jerk-headedness, Mabel’s imaginary romance, his grudging promise to keep her safe, and everything up to the present hour.
Wendy listened, and she memorized every word.
“And how about you?” She asked. “You been holding up okay?”
“Uh… Yeah… Tambry and I are still going steady. I’ve got a part in a band, actually.”
“Oh wow, really? That’s pretty cool! Still playing the same instruments?”
“Yeah, still guitar. Got a pretty sweet new one, though… Man, it’d be cool to show you…”
“Any… Any gigs coming up?”
“Yeah, that’s the funny thing; I was gonna have a concert tonight…”
“Oh woooow… Where at?”
“Over in Boring. A little drive, but not too bad. I was gonna head over there once I helped Girl Dipper with her stupid thing…”
“Yeah… Huh… How’s things with… You know, your parents?”
“UGH don’t get me started…” Robbie shook his head. “You really didn’t miss a thing there; I’ll tell you that much… Still just the same douche-bags as always. Glad to get out of town for a while, really.”
“I feel you…” Wendy laughed half-heartedly. “How’s the…” Her voice got small. “How’s the sun?”
“The sun?” Robbie frowned, thinking that was an awfully weird question. Then he realized how long she’d been trapped here underground, and then he really understood her meaning. “Oh, it’s… It’s still the sun. Nothing changed there. Still hot; still bright. Still… Pretty beautiful, I mean… Okay, don’t worry Wendy. I’ll bust you out of here before too long…”
“Thanks…” Wendy took a breath and nodded. “Hey…” She wiped her nose and pointed to Robbie’s phone. “Maybe you could leave your phone with me…? I mean, you could find another one, and we could communicate…?”
“Uh… Oh sure!” Robbie pulled out his phone and handed it to her.
She turned it on, and began flipping through the apps, trying to familiarize herself with how the gadget worked. “I mean, can’t get wi-fi down here but…” Robbie shrugged. “I think I have like, 1 bar of cell service… Want me to bring down a charger too?”
“Naw, this’ll do for now…” After finding the messenger app with its text history, Wendy pocketed the phone with a little smile.
Then she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Hey… Thanks for everything, Robbie.”
“Uh…” He smiled, and rubbed his cheek, not quite sure whether he should be thinking about Tambry or kissing Wendy back. “Yeah.” He shrugged. “No prob or whatever… If you need anything just call Tambry I guess…”
“Yeah… Hey.” Wendy straightened up. “Speaking of which, did you bring any food? Like, I’ve been living off of rationed beans down here and… I’m just really, really hungry…”
“Oh…” Robbie searched around in his pockets, but his hands found nothing but his wallet and a gothic keychain. “Girl Dipper probably has some candy up in my van, but I didn’t bring any food with me…”
“No food on you?” Wendy tilted her head to one side.
“Naw, sorry…”
“Well…” Wendy smiled. Her teeth were longer than they were a second ago, and razor sharp. She’d also become about a foot taller than normal. “I guess that’s one final time you’re wrong today.”
“Wait… What?” Robbie frowned. Then he noticed the changes coming over Wendy’s body, and his smile disappeared. “WOAH, huh??” Then the truth dawned on him; the full extent of his error. “No… NO HEY! Get away from me!” He stumbled backwards, and turned around to sprint for the bunker’s exit.
The creature was fast enough to spin around in front of him in the time it took him to turn. It was only vaguely humanoid at this point, and morphing rapidly into something worse. Robbie tried once more to turn around, but the creature appeared ahead of him again. He tried to back away, but his backside ran into the wall of the cave. He tried to swing his pipe, but it bounced harmlessly off the creature’s firm, white mucus layer. “GET AWAY!” He pleaded. The last traces of its Wendy form had disappeared, and a strange, sharp mouth smiled down at him.
One of its massive claws gripped the front of Robbie’s hoodie. With one hand, it lifted him in the air. “Set me down!” Robbie yelled.
“You know…” The creature mused, in its true voice. “You came down here alone and unarmed, you accepted my lies, you tossed aside your suspicions, you bought it all up… I told you everything you wanted to hear, and in return, you told me everything I needed to know… I wanted to laugh for most of it, it was so easy… Why the devil did that girl enlist YOUR help? She seemed brighter than that last time she was down here… Heh heh… Get it? ‘Brighter’? Because of her light-up shirt? …Oh, never mind. Dumb pun.”
“SC-SCREW YOU!” Robbie gasped hoarsely.
The shifter chuckled. “Tell you what; since you helped me, I’ll make it fast and painless. Close your eyes.” It opened its mouth and reached for his throat.
“NO! NO PLEASE! PLEASE! HELP!”
Suddenly, the cave was filled with a blinding flash of blue light.
The shifter blinked and shook his head. When his eyes came back into focus, he found that his claw was empty, his prey gone. He frowned, thinking this was a rather unconventional turn of events.
He looked left. He saw nothing. He looked right. He saw nothing. He looked all around. The human was nowhere to be seen.
He expanded his nose and ears now, to scan the cave with all his senses. Just on the threshold of his best hearing, he thought he could make out a steady heartbeat.
And he smelled something. Something out-of-place. Something… Humanoid? Something in the back of his mind registered the smell as vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.
His eyes followed his nose up toward the cave’s rafters, and there he found his target. High above him, cloaked in the shadows of a wide steel beam, there crouched a dark and silent figure. He could see reflections from two eyes.
With another flash of blue light, the figure vanished.
This time, the shifter felt something in his claw. A small slip of paper, that hadn’t been there before.
He unfolded the paper, and looked down at the words written upon it.
-Beware.
-Heroes are watching you intently.
-And you do not deserve their mercy.
“Hmm.” The shifter smiled back up at the empty rafter. “Well met, my new enemy.”
And with that, he turned toward the airlock that Robbie had left unlocked. At long, long last, he was free.

Mabel looked up as Robbie appeared at the top of the stairs from the bunker; still looking super slouchy and gothic, but minus one backpack. With a grumpy mutter, he opened the driver-side door, and settled in.
“Soooooooo…?” Mabel kicked her feet. “How’s Shifty? Still frozenified?”
“Yeah, yeah…” Robbie grumbled, as his eyes cast about the trees, searching and lingering. “Still… Still just sitting in the tube. Didn’t move an inch.”
“Hmm… Nevertheless, it’s time for my… Skepticles…” Mabel put on her skepticles and leaned over into Robbie’s face. “What took you so long down there?”
“Geez, get away from me.” Robbie shrugged her off. “I was watching the monster, waiting for to move, all right? Like… That thing is freaky, and I wanted to make sure it was frozen. Like, what if it was moving every time you looked away, right? Like those stone statue things in Dr. What or something… You know?”
“Yeaaaaah…” Mabel giggled. “I wouldn’t put it past him; he’s a pretty clever guy and…”
Waddles suddenly popped his head up from the back seat, and looked straight at Robbie. His nose wiggled, and he began to make a series of worried little grunting noises.
Mabel looked from Waddles, to Robbie, to Waddles, and finally back to Robbie.
“What’s his problem?” Robbie frowned at the pig with his characteristic distaste.
“Hmm…” Mabel stroked her chin. “I think he thinks you smell weird… Or different…”
“Well yeah, of course I smell weird!” Robbie growled as he held up his shoe, and showed her the bottom. “I was stepping through puddles of weird sci-fi ooze down there! Like, how long was that monster free? And did he ever have, like, a toilet to use…?”
“GROOOOOS! Robbie!” Mabel covered her ears as Waddles snorted, and ducked back down into hiding. “Waaaait…” Mabel glanced at Waddles, then put her skepticles back on. “Hmm…” She said. “Say something that only Robbie would say.”
“Oh GEEZ now I have to deal with THIS…! Look kid: I did what you said, I froze the junk, and now suddenly I’m the bad guy? Lay off me, all right? You know it’s me…”
“Hmm… That was pretty good… But now do something even more Robbie-like…” Mabel skepticified.
“I hope you choke to death on your own puke.” Robbie grumbled, and turned to regard the van’s steering wheel.
“All right all right, you’re Robbie!” Mabel giggled and swung her legs again. “Now… Back to the Mystery Shack, my valiant chauffeur! Yah! Giddyap! Full speed ahead! HARD-A-STARBOARD!”
“Ugh…” Robbie turned back to regarding the steering wheel, as if it slightly confused him. Slowly, a small smile played across the corner of his mouth. “Say…” He finally grunted. “Do you want to drive?”
“Wait… What?” She tilted her head.
“It’s been a crazy day.” Robbie shrugged. “A little more crazy won’t hurt anything. You wanna give it a whirl?”
“What, like a date?” Mabel frowned.
“Uh…” He didn’t really see how that logic connected. “Daaaaaate… Suuuuure…?”
“Then sure!” Mabel unbuckled and jumped up. “Man, this is so cray-cray…! Can I sit on your lap? I’m gonna sit on your lap! I need to sit on your lap because I can’t reach the pedals! That’s why!”
“Uh… Geeeez… Fine. Kay… But since you’re the one driving, you have to tell me ‘leftfoot/rightfoot’…”
“Mabel accepts this mighty challenge!” Mabel said, as she crawled across the center console to sit on Robbie’s lap and accept the mighty challenge. “Attention First Mate Leg Officer! Present to me the keys!” She held out her hand, and Robbie placed the keys in them.
The van started.
“Okaaaay…” Mabel frowned. “Now give me a hint!”
“No hints.” Robbie scoffed. “I’m just the Leg Officer.”
“Okay… Right foot then!” Mabel declared. “That’s the gas, right?”
Robbie hit the gas and the van revved.
“Oops, okay…” Mabel tried to shift it into ‘drive’. “Hmm… The lever doesn’t work… Oh yeah, you have to push the brake to flip the lever! Left foot!”
Robbie pressed the brake and the van shifted into drive.
“Right foot!”
The van revved again.
“Come on Robbie don’t be dumb! Un-foot the left whenever you foot the right!”
“Naturally.” Robbie said.
The van lurched forward.
“And not so hard!”
“Naturally.”
The van slowed to a crawl.
“Harder than that!”
“Naturally.”
The van accelerated down the road with increasing steadiness.
“Now where’s the turn blinker?”
“Well, I don’t know Captain; where IS the turn blinker?”

“You know what, Robbie?” Mabel turned them up the road, and toward the light of the sinking sun. “I was kind of thinking you’re not such a fun guy, but I was wrong! You ARE fun!”

Description

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    Chapter 16: New Missions

Author’s Note: This chapter is formatted just slightly different for some esoteric reason that has to do with Deviantart's text limits. At least I think that's what's happening. Nothing's changed except now the paragraphs aren't indented. I suspect that this will be the norm from now on.

Also, this is the chapter in which I kill off that old, boring ship in favor of a new, cooler one. LOL YOLO

The journal of the alien robot Ɖg@}Nᶌ (or ‘Barney’, as they called him), and the story of his life, love, death and legacy finally concluded. Dipper and Wendy’s scanned past the last words, and they stood up and looked at each other.
“Huh.” Wendy said.
“Oh.” Dipper agreed.
Wendy looked around the interior of the ship/house thing. Back in ancient times, this glass and metal chamber had served as the home of these two bizarre creatures. She found it kind of odd and kind of funny that in the end, they were nothing but farmers. Estranged and alien farmers, castaway from their home and hounded by trouble, but nonetheless their lives seemed oddly human, even ordinary in a way. And their deaths were now no mystery either; he had died in battle, out in the forest or deep beneath the ground. His wife and child had died in this very room; their blood still stained the mattress of the bed.
“So…” Wendy shrugged, and addressed their unseen ghosts out loud. “So… Wow. Rough life, huh? Hey… Hey uh…” She frowned. What do you even say to ghosts? “Like, what’s up? How’s it going…?”
From between and within the walls of the ship, there came echoing a clanking, scraping and banking, like a person stumbling across a room, then easing themselves to a seat. Dipper and Wendy’s eyes darted back and forth, searching for the source that wasn’t there.
The room’s lights began to flicker. Dark then light then dark then light, dancing and changing through the space. In between flashes, Dipper caught something in the corner of his eye; a pale figure reclining against the wall, not 10 feet from them. Wendy noticed it too and they turned suddenly, startled by its appearance. It seemed to flicker in and out of the room with the lights, just on the threshold of their ability to focus on it. Its head turned towards them, and stared with empty eyes.
From what Dipper could tell, the rest of its body was about what you’d expect: a very vaguely humanoid robot, with saws and spines and treads and claws; a wide head, thin arms with gears in the moints. Same layout and design as the lions, but smaller, thinner, upright, and with a piercing, intelligent gaze.
A second, slightly smaller figure could now be distinguished alongside the first, floating in the space above the ancient bed, as if sitting up on it without quite touching. The second figure rested its elbows on its knees, and cocked its head to one side.
The room went totally dark again, and Dipper began to notice noises. He heard the sound of his and Wendy’s agitated breathing. He heard the sound of his walkie-talkie warbling and cooing and clicking, as it responded to the whispered words of some incorporeal radio signal. Dipper thought the signals sounded like voices…
Then, quite apart from the radio, he heard the sound of typing. Invisible fingers at work on an invisible keyboard.
Wendy noticed as words began to appear on Ford’s tablet. She elbowed Dipper to draw his attention to them.
-Hello. The words read. -Now you know our story.
“Ooh.” Wendy said. “Duuuude…” She elbowed him again. “Type something!”
“I don’t know what to type—”
“Just say hi or something! This is, like, the first time in ever that a ghost isn’t actively trying to haunt our butts. I think they’re just saying ‘greetings’ or some alien thing.”
“Oh… Okay…” Dipper bent over and began to type. -Greetings. Hi. We read your story. How’s it going? My name is Dipper. I’m Dipper Pines.
“And this is Wendy.” Wendy added.
-And this is Wendy. Dipper typed.
The invisible hands began to type again. -Hello Dipper. Hello Wendy. I suppose you know me as Betty. And this is Barney. We welcome you to our home… Or what was our home once… It has been an eternity since we’ve had visitors…
-Thanks. Dipper typed, then tried to wipe the sweat from his palms. “Uh… Uh… What should I say now?”
“I got this.” Wendy bent past him, and typed. -We found the directions you left in the main wreck, and came here looking for answers. It’s nice to finally get some, and nice to finally meet you guys.
There was a brief pause. -We’re dead, by the way. Appeared on the screen.
-Yeah. Wendy typed. -We kinda gathered that part. You know, since it’s been a jillion years since you were alive and all.
-A ‘jillion’…? What’s that?
“Uh… Okay… I got this.” Dipper sat back forward, and began typing. -Figure of speech. He said. -And we’re sorry, by the way. We didn’t know this ship thing was haunted when we got here, so we’re sorry for barging in. And… This is the first time we’ve ever talked to a dead alien, so… Sorry if we sound awkward.
The signal from the walkie-talkie sounded almost like laughter.
-You’re good. Appeared on the screen. -This is my first time talking to whatever the you are, so… Sorry if we sound awkward too.
“Huh.” Dipper looked at Wendy. “They’re chill.” He said. “They’re alien robot ghosts, but they’re, like, totally chill…” -Thanks for being chill. He typed.
-So. The typing stopped for a minute, and when it resumed, it was lighter and faster. -This is Barney now. You both have read my journal. You know who we are, and how it came to be that we’re no long here. But now, if you don’t mind me asking, who are YOU? I saw your read blood, Wendy, when you first came in. From it, I knew that you are neither the mimic nor her spawn… So I just have to ask, what the heck are you?
“Oh, us…?” Wendy looked at Dipper.
“Uh…” Dipper looked at Wendy.
-We’re natives. Dipper typed, looking back at the ghosts. -This planet’s dominant intelligent race.
“Yeah.” Wendy agreed. “And we call ourselves humans. Type that.”
-We call ourselves… Humans. Dipper added.
“And the collective noun is ‘humanity’.” Wendy added. “Say that too.”
“Why would they want to know the collective noun?” Dipper shook his head.
-What’s the collective noun? Barney asked.
-Humanity. Dipper hastily typed.
-Wait. Barney typed. -You’re both humans?
“Uh… Yeah…?” Dipper frowned.
“Yeah… Well mostly.” Wendy agreed. “I mean, logically there’s probably some Sasquatch on my dad’s side, but, like, you can’t even tell.”
“Wait… What?”
“Never mind! Okay, just…” Wendy shoved past him and typed. -Yes. We’re both humans. Why do you ask?
-All I meant to say is that you two don’t look much alike, so I wasn’t sure if you were the same species or whatever.
-What do you-- Dipper began.
“Oh, hold on! I think they mean this.” Wendy set down her helmet and took off her backpack, and unbuckled her shoulder pads to show beneath them. -Yeah. She typed. -This is just armor and clothes. Humans always wear clothes, and then we put on armor too when we’re going somewhere dangerous. Our skin is all pinkish brown underneath though.
Dipper hiked up his own armor, to show the similarity.
-Oh… The ghosts said. -Betty thought the armor was your skin.
-Common mistake. Dipper lied.
-And what’s that fuzzy stuff?
-That’s hair.
-Oh.
The four of them sat there in awkward silence for a good minute, while they thought about what to say next. Wendy picked her nose.
-Hi, this is Betty again. So, what brings you here?
-Curiosity. Dipper typed.
-Xenocide. Wendy typed.
Dipper blinked and looked at her worriedly. “Well…” He frowned. “I guess you could say it like that, but…”
-Xenocide? There was a sudden sound like glass shattering, and the ghostly image of Barney appeared before them, with his arms crossed, his eyes blazing, and his head cocked to one side. -Did your machine translate that correctly?
“Look.” Wendy buckled her armor back up, and bent over the computer. -I never expected to say this to alien robot ghosts, especially not ones as scary-looking as you guys, but honestly, you seem like decent people. Really. You do. I think that you did a lot of the right things for the right reasons, you were kind when it counted and you served justice when it counted… Kudos. Seriously kudos. You’ve had a rough time, and by my reckoning, you were the good guys.
Barney shrugged.
-That being said… Wendy continued. -You made some mistakes. Don’t hate on me for this, but look. The think you’ve built here… This overgrown metal farm thing. It shouldn’t be here. It’s bad.
-Why? Barney inquired.
-You know what we call it? Wendy asked. -We call it the ‘Forest of Daggers’. Why? Because every life-form native to this planet gets cut and sliced by it. See my arms? See all the little scratches? That was just from clearing the brush off the top of your house to get inside. And see my man Dipper’s face? Wendy gestured over her shoulder. -He got that when we were swarmed by your little Piranha Spiders about two hours ago.
The ghost of Betty appeared beside Barney, and bent over a computer terminal. -They must have gone wild… She typed. The buttons on the keyboard didn’t move beneath her ghostly fingers, but they sounded like they did. -We raised those for eggs…
-Yeah, well, sucks! Wendy spread her arms in an exasperated way. -The point is that your Piranha Spider Chickens are dangerous! They’re sharp and they’re aggressive and us native wusses are liable to get ATE. And that’s not even to MENTION the giant drilling worms that almost crushed us, and the smaller bugs that nibble us, and of course the lions…
“Yeah…” Dipper nodded. “One of your giant cat things really hurt Wendy’s dad. And hurt my sister too. Those saws are… Saws.”
“Yeah.” Wendy agreed, and stood up from the computer. “Check it out.” She pulled off the glove on her right hand, and then peeled the bandage off her index finger. Then she held up the stitched-up gash to show the ghosts. “See this? A little cub nicked me there the first time I picked it up. Just a touch. Just a tap. Tore me open. This is what your creatures do to our creatures.”
Betty nodded slowly.
-So this place you left behind. Wendy concluded. -It’s getting people hurt. So I’m real sorry. I know how much work you guys put into the place. I know how much it meant to you. Heck, you’re probably still really proud of it, even after you’re dead. But still… I think the best thing to do is destroy every last inch and ounce of it. She glanced at Dipper for support. “Like… You know… Help me out here, Dude.”
“Well…” Dipper shrugged, and began to type. -I think after all that’s happened, and everything we’ve all been through… She’s right.
The two ghosts disappeared. A shower of sparks erupted from the ceiling as the lights went out all through the ship, and the room fell dark again.
Wendy flipped on her headlamp, and sighed. “Welp. Guess they don’t like that.”
Dipper toggled on his flashlight, and unplugged Ford’s tablet. “We tried, huh?”
“Yeah… And besides.” Wendy shrugged helplessly. “What do you expect ghosts to do, huh?”
“I don’t know. Probably weren’t much more than a category 4 anyway…”

Robbie stopped the van in front of an utterly ordinary looking tree. “So… Like, how do you know it’s THIS utterly ordinary looking tree and not some OTHER utterly ordinary looking tree?” He asked.
“Oh, because THIS utterly ordinary looking tree is right where I remember it being.” Mabel opened the door and hopped out of the van. “And it has a weeeeeird little teeny-tiny branch way up there that kind of looks like a lever.”
Robbie got out and surveyed the lever. “Okaaaay…”
“So let’s throw rocks! You’ve thrown rocks at things, right?” Mabel bent down and picked up a rock.
“Well, maybe at people and cars sometimes…” Robbie picked up a stone as well.
“So getcherself a-lever-flippin’ sonny!” Mabel hurled her rock up at the lever, and it fell about 10 feet short.
As Robbie drew his arm back to throw, he got the strangest feeling that he was being watched. His eyes briefly swept the surrounding forest, but he didn’t see anything out of place. He didn’t even see the shadowy figure crouching at the top of a nearby tree, watching them with tired eyes.
Robbie snapped his arm back forward, and his rock contacted only 3 feet short of the lever.
Mabel threw again.
Robbie threw again.
So it continued for about 5 minutes, until their arms were sore, and Robbie was starting to consider whether there might be an easier way to flip an out-of-reach lever.
Finally one of their missiles contacted its target, and the weird branch was knocked upward.
With a click, a creak, and a hydraulic rumbling that seemed to shake the ground, the entire tree began to shift and shake and lower into the Earth. Mabel carelessly stepped up to the edge of the deepening gap as she waited for it to finish, while Robbie hauled the backpack of robotic samples out of his van and shouldered it over to the tree.
Eventually it lowered all the way, a staircase extended from the wall, and a door slid open at the very bottom. The noise stopped, and a deep hiss sounded somewhere far beneath.
Mabel found the entire thing charming yet overly complicated.
Robbie found it pretty sick all around.
“All right come on!” Mabel began to skip down the staircase with ease and carelessness.
Something rang true in the back of Robbie’s brain. Dipper’s words: If I ever again hear that you’ve accompanied my sister into danger, and haven’t protected her… I will find you. And I will beat you up…
“Hey, wait… Look… Hey Girl Dipper, wait up…!” Mabel turned around, but didn’t stop her descent. Robbie growled. “Look, just stop for a minute, okay!”
“Why?”
“’Why’? I mean I don’t know what this is! I want to know why we’re going down here, what’s down there, and… You know. What’s the plan? What are we even doing with these?” He pointed to the metal samples.
“Ah…” Mabel smiled and nodded, seeing that her loftly logic had fallen upon a deaf older brain. “So.” She said. “We’ve got to find a new and better, cooler place to plant the robot forest. We need some place where it will be totally safe, and where it will do a lot of good for humanity and science and bunnies.”
“Okaaay…” Robbie followed.
“But… I kind of realized we don’t have a great place for them yet.” Mabel explained. “We don’t have a place to move them were they can be happy. But since we don’t know what’s going to happen in the near future, and because basically my entire family went all paranoid-poopyhead about them… We need to save as many as we can now.”
“Sure… Okay…” Robbie frowned.
“So we’ll just start ferrying them down here!” Mabel gestured down the stairs. “Great Uncle Ford had a whole abandoned lab down here that he never goes into, and it’s got these really cool stasis tanks that can keep things harmlessly frozen for as long as we want! It’s basically perfect for what we need! Will you promise to keep it a secret, Robbie?”
“Uh… Sure…” Robbie shrugged. “But… I mean, why was it abandoned?”
“Oh… Ha! You know…” She shrugged and smiled, as if reminiscing of fond memories. “Probably just because everybody got sick of having to dodge the mashy-squashy security room that pulps anybody who can’t read alienese while playing hopscotch…” She pulled a paper out of her pocket showing dozens of bizarre hexagonal symbols, 4 of which were circled.
“WHAT.” Robbie said.
“Or maybe it’s because the stasis tanks are kind of prone to breaking down, and one of them holds an immensely powerful shapeshifting monster that’s strong enough to bend steel with its bare hands and hated humans ever since Ford found him as a kid and raised him in a cage feeding him nothing but beans and he also tried to murder us last Summer and made a hideous mockery of my flesh that still haunts me on dark nights when the wind is chill… That might be the other reason it’s abandoned.”
Robbie processed this slowly and steadily. “Um.” He finally said.
“Yeah.” Mabel smiled. “More importantly, I tried to get Wendy and Dipper to kiss by locking them in a closet, but instead they took a shower and fought Shifty. They never did kiss… I would have called it… Dipendy!”
“…Why not Wipper?”
“Ooh, that’s better, isn’t it? Or maybe Dipwenperdy! Just too bad it never worked out. But who knows what they’re doing now, AM I RIGHT? Wink wink!”
“They’re just off in the forest being all platonic and holier-than-thou.” Robbie groaned. “But back to the point: listen Girl Dipper: you seriously want us to go down into that dark, smelly hole there… Hopscotch aliensese or something dumb… And then just HOPE the crazy flesh-mocking monster hasn’t gotten out like it’s been prone to do…”
“Well when you say it like that it sounds like folly!” Mabel laughed. “But don’t worry; it’ll be fine! I think you’ll like Shifty anyway. He’s not so bad if you close your eyes and put caterpillars on your face.” She turned to continue down the stairs.
Robbie grabbed her arm.
She looked at him, confused.
“Uh…” Robbie stuttered. “Well… It’s just… Just no… Just NO! Look, we can’t go down there! It’s dangerous, and we don’t have cool weapons or grenades or dual-wielding rocket launchers or chainsaw whips or anything! What if we die??”
“Pssh! I’ve never died before in all the ones of times I’ve been down here! Trust me!”
“No.” He said. “We’re staying HERE.”
“Why?” She demanded.
“I… I made a promise, okay? To keep you safe.”
“Who made you promise?”
“…Your brother.”
“Oh…” She laughed it off. “He worries waaaaaay too much. And besides, what about all these metal plant and animals! We have to find a good place for them and you said you would help! We need to get them frozen down there.”
Robbie put on a scowl. A mighty scowl. A great, powerful, hideous scowl. A scowl greater than any scowl he’d ever scowled before; a scowl to put lesser scowlers to shame, and scowl itself right into the official scowling archives alongside the other legends of scowling history. Right as this scowl reached its climax, he spat out the word “FINE!”, grabbed the hopscotch code paper out of Mabel’s hand, shoved past her, and continued down the stairs.
She wiped his scowl-smelling spit off her face. “What…?” She frowned.
“I’ll do this!” Robbie explained over his shoulder. “You stay in the van and keep my dad’s shotgun handy! I’ll put all this stupid sci-fi trash into deep freeze and be out in an hour and if I’m not… Throw another rock and close it back up… Okay?”
“Oh…” Mabel frowned slowly. “But then you…?”
“Then get help or something! Your grandpa or that fat guy or Thompson maybe. But don’t you dare come in alone…”
He entered the door at the bottom, and it closed behind him.

Dipper and Wendy poked around the ship for about 5 more minutes, feeling more and more like unwelcome trespassers by the second. Finally Wendy gestured toward the exit hatch. “We should go…”
“Yeah…”
Just as they were about to exit, Dipper’s walkie turned back on, and emitted a single word, in a thick, mechanical accent. “WAIT…!”
They turned around, to see the two ghosts floating near the middle of the ship. Betty pointed back toward the computer console, and nodded toward Ford’s tablet.
Dipper plugged it back in. -S’up?
-We’ve been thinking. Betty responded. -And honestly, for a pair of hostile, heavily-armed aliens sent to destroy us and everything we hold dear… You seem like decent people.
-Oh. Dipper typed. -Thanks.
-And. Betty said. -Anyway, we’ve been thinking, and we’ve come to understand your point. Dipper, I’m sorry your sister got hurt. Wendy, I’m sorry you and your father were hurt. Both of you, we understand now. We didn’t think or plan that the lions would behave like that, and… I agree with you. And we think we may have a way to help.
Barney’s ghost stepped forward to type.
-You remember our journal? He said. -In order to move all the metal from the wreck to the farm, we had to modify the engines on the main wreck.
“Oh, yeah?” Dipper nodded.
“Wait, I was actually confused by that part.” Wendy turned to Dipper. “What exactly did they do? Use simple words for me; I’m not exactly a nerd…”
“Uh… The alien ships’ engines work by manipulating gravity.” Dipper said. “So they modified the ones on the big ship a little bit, and turned them into some kind of tractor beam.”
“A tractor beam… Like in Star Battles.”
“Uh… Yeah. I think so. Basically.”
“Oh.” Wendy nodded, happy that somebody used simple words. “Okay.”
-Yeah. We remember. Dipper typed.
-Those engines are still programmed on the settings we left them. Barney said. -So there is still a massive tractor beam focused on the farm. If you were to reactivate the engines, and turn them up to maximum power, the gravity flux would crush and destroy everything here. The bodies of the creatures here may be tough, but not that tough. The kinetic and potential energy of the implosion, combined with the mass short-circuiting of batteries, would generate enough heat to burn through the internal organs of every creature. Nothing would survive.
“Oooooh… Good plan.” Wendy pondered this new form of carnage. “Like a reverse nuke; crushing instead of exploding.”
“And no radiation; that’s convenient.” Dipper added.
“Yeah. Radiation would be inconvenient.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
-Okay. Dipper typed. -We get it. So we just have to get back to the main wreck, and turn things on?
-Well. Barney shrugged. -Not quite. At the other end of the home, a compartment on the floor opened on its own, tossing aside an ancient carpet and a layer of dust. Dipper and Wendy’s lights rotated to view it. -Obviously, we couldn’t have the shapeshifter using that kind of power against us. So we removed the power control coupling that runs the ship’s last reactor.
Wendy reached in to the open hatch, and removed a small machine; about the size of a motorcycle engine.
-You’ll need to reinstall that before operation, and that may be difficult. Do you know anyone with experience in this type of technology? Probably not…
-Actually, yes. Dipper said. -I think I might know a guy.
-Excellent… I think that’s everything you need…
-Sweet.
Barney paused for a moment in thought. -There is just one last thing I’d like to ask of you, Dipper and Wendy.
-What’s that?
-There was an act I never completed in my life, a mission whose threat has hounded my soul for an eternity now.
-Killing the shapeshifter. Dipper guessed.
-Killing the shapeshifter. Barney nodded. -After Betty died, I went out to face her… Well, she killed me. She’d learned from our first encounter, and figured out exactly how to annihilate me. It was rapid, it was painful, and I was powerless to stop it. The mimic is strong, fast, versatile, intelligent, and merciless… And the last time I saw her, she had an egg with her.
-I understand. Dipper typed.
-So… It’s a silly thing, I know. There’s no way she or her child could possibly have survived this long, seeing how the stasis systems in the main wreck are completely trashed… But… I would very much like some closure for that. For me, for my people, and for humanity too I suppose… I would like to know that she, and her spawn, are most certainly dead.
-Actually. Dipper chuckled to himself as he typed. -I don’t know if the mom survived, but we believe her child did… We have him imprisoned in a bunker.
-Oh. Betty and Barney exchanged a look.
-Kill it. Barney typed. -For your own sakes.
-I understand.
“So what is this stupid thing? It’s heavy.” Wendy said, and she hefted the power control coupling over her shoulder like a solid steel backpack. “Use small words, remember.”
“That’s… That’s the key. The key to start up the tractor beam.” Dipper said. “And we’ll probably need McGucket. And they also want us to find out how the shapeshifter survived for as long as he did, find out what happened to his mom, and to kill him.”
Wendy took this in. “Oh.” She nodded. “Okay.”
She turned and carried the coupling off toward the home’s exit.
-So I guess this is goodbye then? Dipper typed.
-I guess it is. Barney agreed.
-Don’t see a reason to stick around after my haunted house gets smashed. Betty added. -Boooooring.
-Ha ha. Yeah. Dipper laughed (although he had no idea how to relate with a ghost’s problems.)
-I’m glad I met you. Barney said, and gestured to Wendy. -Tell your brother that I think you’re both men of honor.
-Oh, uh… He’s not my brother. He’s a she, and she’s my partner. Just a girl I like. He sat there looking at the words for a second, wondering why on Earth he typed them.
-You old enough to marry?
-What? No! Well, I guess I'm old enough to date maybe, but I don’t want to ask her out. It’s awkward and I’m kinda scared and I don’t think she likes me.
Barney’s ghost leaned over and nudged him in the shoulder with an intangible robotic elbow. -Dude, don’t be a dork! Ask her out!
“Gah!” Dipper jumped, and tried to push the intangible robotic head out of his personal space, though his hand passed right through. “I don’t… Uh… Huh?!? Dude! Shush!” He said out loud.
“Huh?” Wendy looked back at them.
“Nothing!”
-Nothing!
“Ugh.” She turned away.
-Dude, come on. Dipper typed.
-Ha ha. Get out of here, man.

The sanitation airlock finished its cycle, and Robbie stepped hesitantly into the cave.
It was about 10 times scarier than he’d first expected, (which is really saying something because he was expecting a lava floor). But he took a deep breath or two or three, and continued carefully into the chamber. The only sound was the distant dripping of water, and the only light came from little red status indicators, and ancient florescent bulbs.
There were the stasis tubes… Some were intact, some were cracked, and some of them were in such a dirty, overgrown ruin that he couldn’t quite tell. He stepped up to one of the intact ones, opened the hatch, and tossed the pile of Mabel’s samples inside. When he slammed the hatch shut, the freezing process automatically started up. All he had to do was get back out to the control room and make sure everything was still in order. Easy enough…
But then he realized he should probably get eyes on the monster first, just to make sure it was still frozen. He began wandering around the cave, peering into tunnels and crevices, inspecting every tank, looking and listening for any sign of the creature.
Then eventually, he realized that he’d checked all the tanks 3 times already. Even the broken ones. There was nothing in any of them.
He began to feel the first hints of panic creeping up his spine. His breath started to quicken, and his skin began to moisten, and his eyes began to dart ever more rapidly around the walls.
A decrepit florescent light flickered tiredly in his peripheral vision, and he spun to face it with a gasp. Another one flickered to his right, and he spun again. Geez, it’s just the lights. This place is terrible on the nerves.
I shouldn’t have come alone…
I shouldn’t have come alone…
I shouldn’t have come alone!
He turned about in a circle. Was it watching him? Was it stalking him? How big was it? How strong was it? How scary was it really? How many eyes did it have? Was it spidery? He wasn’t good with spiders.
He picked an old steel pipe off the floor, and held it at the ready. Dipper beat it once right? And if that scrawny brat can, how tough can it be?
I can take it…
I can take it…
I can take it!
“SH-SHOW YOURSELF!” Robbie demanded, and silently cursed himself for stuttering.
Much to his surprise and horror, a voice answered him. It was hoarse and angry, and it screamed at him from one of the tunnels. “YEAH?” It said. “Come and get me then, you freak! I’m ready this time!”
Robbie’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest, and he almost fell flat on his behind. But he wasn’t so startled that a voice had answered him; he was surprised that he recognized the voice.
“W… Wendy?” He asked.
“Yeah, it’s me! Woop-dee-FLIPPIN’-doo, you figured out my friggin NAME!” The voice screamed at him. “You tryin’ to scare me with THAT? Not working! Now come on! Come at me! I’m not afraid! Not afraid… I’m… I’M NOT AFRAID!” As if to prove its own point, the voice’s source stepped out into the open.
Robbie stared at what looked to all the world like Wendy. She was missing her jacket and her hat, though there were a few green-flannel bandages on her arms and legs. Her undershirt and jeans were stained and torn and sagging on her body, and as for the rest of her, she just looked terrible. She was emaciated and pale, with bags under her eyes and tangles in her hair, and scratches and scars all over her haggered body. Both her boots were missing, along with one of her socks. Her feet were tied in rags to replace them.
In her hand was clutched some kind of improvised bow, with a bent arrow cocked on the frayed string. A sharpened piece of metal was tucked into her belt, and another was tied to each of her wrists.
“But THIS time it’s DIFFERENT!” Wendy said, and took a few steps toward Robbie. “This time… THIS time I’m walkin’ out of here with your SKULL, you hear me, Shifty? I’m gonna KILL you and I’m gonna rip off your head and spit down your neck and I ain’t gonna be your plaything no more and I’m gonna… I’m gonna… Come on you freak, come on…”
“Woah, woah, woah, hey I’M not the shapeshifter!” Robbie took a few steps back from the feral Wendy. “Like… Like YOU’RE the shapeshifter! Like, they trapped you down here, and now you look like Wen-”
“WHAT THE HECK?!?” Wendy shook her bow threateningly. “The heck kind of game are you playing here? What do you want out of me? What you plannin’ on doing with me this time, huh? And dressed like that?”
“Like… I’m not the shapeshifter!” Robbie brought the pipe up between him and Wendy’s weapon, as if he honestly believed he could block an arrow in midair. “Stop calling me that, it’s me! It’s Robbie! And, like… Wendy’s not even down here so you’re obviously the shapeshifter…! Like, why are we having this convers-”
“WHAT?” Wendy took a few steps closer, and Robbie took a few steps back. Then he tripped on a pipe and fell on his butt, and began crawling backwards away from her. “You…” Wendy frowned, noticing his all-too-human clumsiness and fear. “You…” Her shaking hands slowly lowered the arrow from the bow. “You… Robbie…? You’re… Real?”
“Yeah I’m real, you’re the fake one!” Robbie staggered to his feet, and brought the pipe back up.
“Say…” Wendy’s eyes searched his. “Say something only Robbie would say!”
“Uh… Uh… Like…” Robbie frowned, and hesitantly admitted. “I’m… Sorry for hypnotizing you…”
Wendy shook her head. “Oh… Okay.” She said. “Okay… Okay dude if that’s really you then you need to get out NOW!”
“Wait… What?”
“It’ll be coming back at any time! It could… Okay, who knows you’re down here? Who sent you? Who tricked you? Was it something that looked like someone you trusted? Did it look like me??”
“I kinda came here on my own and there was just Girl Dipper…”
Wendy rushed up to him, grabbed his shoulders, and began shoving him toward the exit. “Then you need to get OUT! It’ll be coming back and…”
“Hold on, hold on!” Robbie put a hand against her chest and pushed her away. He was surprised by how weak and light she was. Wendy was usually kind of strong, wasn’t she? “Like, I think you have some explaining to do!” Robbie said. “You said you’re the real Wendy? Then how’s she up there too? Because last I checked Wendy was fine and wasn’t all… Crazy and sick and whatever and…”
“’She’? ‘She’ is up there? Come on! Come on… It… It took my life too…” Wendy sunk to her knees. “It took my life…”
“It… Oh… Uh… Really?”
“Come on…” Wendy shook her head, and there were tears in her eyes. She tried to wipe them away but instead they just smeared. “It… Nobody could tell? Nobody could tell the difference…?”
“Well…” Robbie shrugged. “I mean, you… Really? The Wendy I’ve been talking to was fake? How long did…?”
“You haven’t noticed anything different about ‘me’ in the past 6 months…?” Wendy sobbed. “REALLY?!? NOTHING?!?”
“Uh…” Robbie thought back. “I guess… You haven’t been spending as much time with us guys… And… You quit your job at the Mystery Shack… And you’ve been getting into a lot of adventures and stuff and… I thought that seemed cool considering all that happened last Summer… But it did kind of seem like you were becoming a dork… I guess…”
“And…” Wendy punched the ground. “AND YOU DIDN’T THINK ANYTHING WAS WRONG?!?”
“Well…” Robbie looked at the woman hunched on the ground in front of him. And it first really, truly dawned on him that this WAS the real Wendy. “Oh… Like, sorry… Uh… I mean, woah… I mean wow, I’m really sorry Wendy! Like, how did this happen? When did it switch? How did you get stuck down here?”
Wendy sniffled through her nose. “Nobody was looking for me… Nobody noticed anything… Robbie, did my parents notice anything?”
“Your parents? No-”
Wendy stood up. “THEN HOW ABOUT DIPPER?!? HE—HE MUST HAVE…”
“No.” Robbie frowned. “That moron didn’t see a thing. I was the first one to find you.”
She buried her face in her hands and walked in a short little circle, before picking up a rock and throwing it against a wall. “Okay…” She said. “Okay, you need to get out of here, Robbie. Get out of here, and play dumb to everyone else until you can talk to Dipper on the down-low. Then you can stage a rescue plan, but until then…”
“Wait, why can’t you come now then? I have the airlock all unlocked, and…”
“BECAUSE!” Wendy pulled up her shirt to show a crooked red scar across her chest. “It put a tracker in me! Believe me, I’ve tried to get out of here alone, and it doesn’t work! It…! It’s not pretty, okay?!? And it promised to do the same thing to my family next time…! So…!”
“What… Wait, what’s it doing to you? Why’s it keeping you alive?”
“Look, I don’t want to talk about it!” Wendy gestured down to the scars and scratches over her body. “Half of it I don’t understand, and the other half I don’t want to talk about! Look, just get Dipper!” She grabbed him again and shoved him toward the airlock. “I can’t have what happened to me happen to you too!”
“Oh… Okay…!” Robbie turned to leave, a little overwhelmed and horrified at the situation.
Before he could properly gather his thoughts, Wendy grabbed him again. “Wait… No… Wait.” She said as she brought him to a stop. Robbie turned back to face her. She met his eyes and held them for a minute. Slowly, her head sunk to his shoulder, and she hugged him. “Robbie…” She mumbled. “It’s… It’s really great to see someone… See you… Again… Thanks for coming… Thanks…”
“Uh… Uh yeah.” He hugged her back. “No problem. I’ll… Like, I’ll spring you from this joint, okay? We’ll kill the monster and then…”
“Like okay, what’s been happening?” She asked.
“Huh?”
“Back on the surface? How’s Dipper doing? How’s Mable doing? And… What’s been going on with you?”
“Oh… Uh… Well the dorks just got back into town like… A week ago… Yeah, a week I think… And Dipper and… The Shifter went off adventuring… Thinking it was you of course… They all thought it was you… And I’m not sure all of what they’ve been doing, but they found this… Like, weird sci-fi robot forest place off in the normal forest place… And there were giant robot cat things that sawed people… Girl Dipper tried to befriend one of them, but it ended up attacking her I guess, and then there was this whole big deal with the…”
Robbie summarized most of his experiences in the past week, relating everything he’d seen and heard of the Forest of Daggers and its denizens, bitterly recalling Dipper’s hostility and jerk-headedness, Mabel’s imaginary romance, his grudging promise to keep her safe, and everything up to the present hour.
Wendy listened, and she memorized every word.
“And how about you?” She asked. “You been holding up okay?”
“Uh… Yeah… Tambry and I are still going steady. I’ve got a part in a band, actually.”
“Oh wow, really? That’s pretty cool! Still playing the same instruments?”
“Yeah, still guitar. Got a pretty sweet new one, though… Man, it’d be cool to show you…”
“Any… Any gigs coming up?”
“Yeah, that’s the funny thing; I was gonna have a concert tonight…”
“Oh woooow… Where at?”
“Over in Boring. A little drive, but not too bad. I was gonna head over there once I helped Girl Dipper with her stupid thing…”
“Yeah… Huh… How’s things with… You know, your parents?”
“UGH don’t get me started…” Robbie shook his head. “You really didn’t miss a thing there; I’ll tell you that much… Still just the same douche-bags as always. Glad to get out of town for a while, really.”
“I feel you…” Wendy laughed half-heartedly. “How’s the…” Her voice got small. “How’s the sun?”
“The sun?” Robbie frowned, thinking that was an awfully weird question. Then he realized how long she’d been trapped here underground, and then he really understood her meaning. “Oh, it’s… It’s still the sun. Nothing changed there. Still hot; still bright. Still… Pretty beautiful, I mean… Okay, don’t worry Wendy. I’ll bust you out of here before too long…”
“Thanks…” Wendy took a breath and nodded. “Hey…” She wiped her nose and pointed to Robbie’s phone. “Maybe you could leave your phone with me…? I mean, you could find another one, and we could communicate…?”
“Uh… Oh sure!” Robbie pulled out his phone and handed it to her.
She turned it on, and began flipping through the apps, trying to familiarize herself with how the gadget worked. “I mean, can’t get wi-fi down here but…” Robbie shrugged. “I think I have like, 1 bar of cell service… Want me to bring down a charger too?”
“Naw, this’ll do for now…” After finding the messenger app with its text history, Wendy pocketed the phone with a little smile.
Then she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Hey… Thanks for everything, Robbie.”
“Uh…” He smiled, and rubbed his cheek, not quite sure whether he should be thinking about Tambry or kissing Wendy back. “Yeah.” He shrugged. “No prob or whatever… If you need anything just call Tambry I guess…”
“Yeah… Hey.” Wendy straightened up. “Speaking of which, did you bring any food? Like, I’ve been living off of rationed beans down here and… I’m just really, really hungry…”
“Oh…” Robbie searched around in his pockets, but his hands found nothing but his wallet and a gothic keychain. “Girl Dipper probably has some candy up in my van, but I didn’t bring any food with me…”
“No food on you?” Wendy tilted her head to one side.
“Naw, sorry…”
“Well…” Wendy smiled. Her teeth were longer than they were a second ago, and razor sharp. She’d also become about a foot taller than normal. “I guess that’s one final time you’re wrong today.”
“Wait… What?” Robbie frowned. Then he noticed the changes coming over Wendy’s body, and his smile disappeared. “WOAH, huh??” Then the truth dawned on him; the full extent of his error. “No… NO HEY! Get away from me!” He stumbled backwards, and turned around to sprint for the bunker’s exit.
The creature was fast enough to spin around in front of him in the time it took him to turn. It was only vaguely humanoid at this point, and morphing rapidly into something worse. Robbie tried once more to turn around, but the creature appeared ahead of him again. He tried to back away, but his backside ran into the wall of the cave. He tried to swing his pipe, but it bounced harmlessly off the creature’s firm, white mucus layer. “GET AWAY!” He pleaded. The last traces of its Wendy form had disappeared, and a strange, sharp mouth smiled down at him.
One of its massive claws gripped the front of Robbie’s hoodie. With one hand, it lifted him in the air. “Set me down!” Robbie yelled.
“You know…” The creature mused, in its true voice. “You came down here alone and unarmed, you accepted my lies, you tossed aside your suspicions, you bought it all up… I told you everything you wanted to hear, and in return, you told me everything I needed to know… I wanted to laugh for most of it, it was so easy… Why the devil did that girl enlist YOUR help? She seemed brighter than that last time she was down here… Heh heh… Get it? ‘Brighter’? Because of her light-up shirt? …Oh, never mind. Dumb pun.”
“SC-SCREW YOU!” Robbie gasped hoarsely.
The shifter chuckled. “Tell you what; since you helped me, I’ll make it fast and painless. Close your eyes.” It opened its mouth and reached for his throat.
“NO! NO PLEASE! PLEASE! HELP!”
Suddenly, the cave was filled with a blinding flash of blue light.
The shifter blinked and shook his head. When his eyes came back into focus, he found that his claw was empty, his prey gone. He frowned, thinking this was a rather unconventional turn of events.
He looked left. He saw nothing. He looked right. He saw nothing. He looked all around. The human was nowhere to be seen.
He expanded his nose and ears now, to scan the cave with all his senses. Just on the threshold of his best hearing, he thought he could make out a steady heartbeat.
And he smelled something. Something out-of-place. Something… Humanoid? Something in the back of his mind registered the smell as vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.
His eyes followed his nose up toward the cave’s rafters, and there he found his target. High above him, cloaked in the shadows of a wide steel beam, there crouched a dark and silent figure. He could see reflections from two eyes.
With another flash of blue light, the figure vanished.
This time, the shifter felt something in his claw. A small slip of paper, that hadn’t been there before.
He unfolded the paper, and looked down at the words written upon it.
-Beware.
-Heroes are watching you intently.
-And you do not deserve their mercy.
“Hmm.” The shifter smiled back up at the empty rafter. “Well met, my new enemy.”
And with that, he turned toward the airlock that Robbie had left unlocked. At long, long last, he was free.

Mabel looked up as Robbie appeared at the top of the stairs from the bunker; still looking super slouchy and gothic, but minus one backpack. With a grumpy mutter, he opened the driver-side door, and settled in.
“Soooooooo…?” Mabel kicked her feet. “How’s Shifty? Still frozenified?”
“Yeah, yeah…” Robbie grumbled, as his eyes cast about the trees, searching and lingering. “Still… Still just sitting in the tube. Didn’t move an inch.”
“Hmm… Nevertheless, it’s time for my… Skepticles…” Mabel put on her skepticles and leaned over into Robbie’s face. “What took you so long down there?”
“Geez, get away from me.” Robbie shrugged her off. “I was watching the monster, waiting for to move, all right? Like… That thing is freaky, and I wanted to make sure it was frozen. Like, what if it was moving every time you looked away, right? Like those stone statue things in Dr. What or something… You know?”
“Yeaaaaah…” Mabel giggled. “I wouldn’t put it past him; he’s a pretty clever guy and…”
Waddles suddenly popped his head up from the back seat, and looked straight at Robbie. His nose wiggled, and he began to make a series of worried little grunting noises.
Mabel looked from Waddles, to Robbie, to Waddles, and finally back to Robbie.
“What’s his problem?” Robbie frowned at the pig with his characteristic distaste.
“Hmm…” Mabel stroked her chin. “I think he thinks you smell weird… Or different…”
“Well yeah, of course I smell weird!” Robbie growled as he held up his shoe, and showed her the bottom. “I was stepping through puddles of weird sci-fi ooze down there! Like, how long was that monster free? And did he ever have, like, a toilet to use…?”
“GROOOOOS! Robbie!” Mabel covered her ears as Waddles snorted, and ducked back down into hiding. “Waaaait…” Mabel glanced at Waddles, then put her skepticles back on. “Hmm…” She said. “Say something that only Robbie would say.”
“Oh GEEZ now I have to deal with THIS…! Look kid: I did what you said, I froze the junk, and now suddenly I’m the bad guy? Lay off me, all right? You know it’s me…”
“Hmm… That was pretty good… But now do something even more Robbie-like…” Mabel skepticified.
“I hope you choke to death on your own puke.” Robbie grumbled, and turned to regard the van’s steering wheel.
“All right all right, you’re Robbie!” Mabel giggled and swung her legs again. “Now… Back to the Mystery Shack, my valiant chauffeur! Yah! Giddyap! Full speed ahead! HARD-A-STARBOARD!”
“Ugh…” Robbie turned back to regarding the steering wheel, as if it slightly confused him. Slowly, a small smile played across the corner of his mouth. “Say…” He finally grunted. “Do you want to drive?”
“Wait… What?” She tilted her head.
“It’s been a crazy day.” Robbie shrugged. “A little more crazy won’t hurt anything. You wanna give it a whirl?”
“What, like a date?” Mabel frowned.
“Uh…” He didn’t really see how that logic connected. “Daaaaaate… Suuuuure…?”
“Then sure!” Mabel unbuckled and jumped up. “Man, this is so cray-cray…! Can I sit on your lap? I’m gonna sit on your lap! I need to sit on your lap because I can’t reach the pedals! That’s why!”
“Uh… Geeeez… Fine. Kay… But since you’re the one driving, you have to tell me ‘leftfoot/rightfoot’…”
“Mabel accepts this mighty challenge!” Mabel said, as she crawled across the center console to sit on Robbie’s lap and accept the mighty challenge. “Attention First Mate Leg Officer! Present to me the keys!” She held out her hand, and Robbie placed the keys in them.
The van started.
“Okaaaay…” Mabel frowned. “Now give me a hint!”
“No hints.” Robbie scoffed. “I’m just the Leg Officer.”
“Okay… Right foot then!” Mabel declared. “That’s the gas, right?”
Robbie hit the gas and the van revved.
“Oops, okay…” Mabel tried to shift it into ‘drive’. “Hmm… The lever doesn’t work… Oh yeah, you have to push the brake to flip the lever! Left foot!”
Robbie pressed the brake and the van shifted into drive.
“Right foot!”
The van revved again.
“Come on Robbie don’t be dumb! Un-foot the left whenever you foot the right!”
“Naturally.” Robbie said.
The van lurched forward.
“And not so hard!”
“Naturally.”
The van slowed to a crawl.
“Harder than that!”
“Naturally.”
The van accelerated down the road with increasing steadiness.
“Now where’s the turn blinker?”
“Well, I don’t know Captain; where IS the turn blinker?”

“You know what, Robbie?” Mabel turned them up the road, and toward the light of the sinking sun. “I was kind of thinking you’re not such a fun guy, but I was wrong! You ARE fun!”